autumnlover Posted December 16, 2003 Share Posted December 16, 2003 hey guys....i need some advice. 4 years ago...i cheated on my fiance. when i did the cheating we were almost a year into our realtionship. i held it from him and finally told him back in october. my reasoning for telling him was because i didnt want to start our lives together as mr and mrs with a lie. i am very much inlove with him and he means the world to me. at the time of my cheating...i was having some very personal problems and i was confused. i thought for sure he was going to leave me. i had taken medicine my doctor gave me because he felt i was depressed. the first medicine was ok but it made me very sick. i could eat and i couldnt sleep. i was crying for no reason and after a month...i called my doctor and he told me to stop taking it and he gave me something else. well..the two clashed and i had a really bad reaction. i didnt know what month or year it was and i didnt know who anyone was. i thought my mother was dead and i didnt know what the heck was going on. i had this happen while i was at his house with his whole entire family there. he told me a few days later that his mom and sister were talking about me telling him i was doing it for attention and that he should get out while he could and yada yada yada. o was really hurt and upset about it. the doctors at the hosp. said that i am very sensitive to medicine. certain kinds react differently to me that most other people. SO....i was scared, depressed, and humiliated. i figured he was going to leave so i didnt want to get hurt again with him leaving me because he thought i was crazy. SO..when i finally told him..as anyone can imangine...he was very upset and extremely hurt. he siad he wanted to work things out and all....and i am thankful for that. my problem is...latley he has been getting upset and all about it. i know me and i know that if he did it to me...i dont know if i would stay with him. it just seems weird to me that he would still want to be with me after all this happened. i expected him to leave and i was as prepared for it as best i could be. i dont want him to leave but i dont know how he can live with this for his entire live. i know it will be in the back of his mind forever. even when we have sex..he acts weird. i dont blame him at all...i guess my question is...how do you comfort someone and how do you help them move past. we have been in therapy together. but i want to know how i can re-assure him that it wont and hasnt happened again. how can i help him move on in a healthy way. and how can i forgive myself??? i know these are hard questions but any advice would be helpful...thanks all... autumn Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted December 16, 2003 Share Posted December 16, 2003 Perhaps I'm reading it wrong, but are you totally sure you want the relationship to continue? Link to post Share on other sites
Author autumnlover Posted December 16, 2003 Author Share Posted December 16, 2003 dyermaker: yes i do want this relationship to continue. in my last post...i was more angry than anything. my fiance can be very mean and all but he is so kind hearted and very caring. i know he is hurting inside about this. i dont care about me..i care more about him and his feelings towards this. i know i hurt him and most of the people i have talked to...they all told me but one person that i should not have tolds him after so long. they said that i should have delt with it myself and forgot about it. i am glad i told him. but i am sad that i hurt him. i knew it would but i was more focused about being honest with him. i should have told him right when it happened but i was scared. i know that isnt an excuse but i feel like i can never make him fully happy. i just dont know how after all this, he is still so loving and so kind and focused on my needs. it is like..he is being kind and it is eating me inside. i know that if he did this to me...i would still be questioning if i should marry him. i feel so ashamed that i hurt him like i did and i just dont understand how he would still want to marry me. ...any ideas??? i also wanted to tell you i am sorry for all caps in my last thread..i am used to tryong in all caps at work Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted December 16, 2003 Share Posted December 16, 2003 I understand and regret that there's pain in your relationship, but what I was getting at is, did you try to sabotage it on purpose? You seem to be more uptight about it than he is, like you're expecting him to stop loving you. Man is capapble of forgiveness. By being unfaithful, you changed your relationship, and it can't be forgotten, it's a part of you both. However, you found yourself a man who stands by you and continues to love you, you should be ecstatic. Make the best of what you have, and realize that your partner accepts you for who you are. He wants to marry you because he loves you, and I get the feeling that bothers you because you subconsciously want the relationship to fail. [No! Dyermaker! You're crazy! I love him so much!] <-- In that case, rejoice in your relationship. An additional note, if he continues to guilt you about it, that's a problem, because that's unhealthy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author autumnlover Posted December 16, 2003 Author Share Posted December 16, 2003 i dont think i am trying to sabotage my relationship....i grew up in a horrible way. i lived with my father and grandparents. i was cheated out of my childhood because i was sexually abused as a child and i was "protected" by my family. i didnt have any freinds because i was told i could not play. my mother never accepted me as her daughter. i remember when i was 13...i was spending the summer at my mothers and she was at school. i was watching my brothers and i answered the phone. a lady asked me for my mom and i said she could not come to the phone...and she said..oh is this the babysitter and i replied..no..i am her daughter. and she said...so and so doesnt have a daughter..and i said...yes she does..i am her daughter..and she siad ..well i asked so and so and she told me she only had 2 sons and no other children. i was so hurt. i confronted my mother and she told me to get over it and accept that she has 2 sons. she thoguht was making it up and she thoguht i was acting out. i was abused all my life by people telling me at the age of 10 that i was fat, or i was stupid. my dad used to be into drugs really bad and i was around that all the time. when i was in 5th grade....my teacher used to send home folders with our grades for the week. every time i got an "F" i used to get spanked 3 times for every "F" and they were as my father called them..."bare butt" spankings. to me..that is abuse. others would say no..but i havent heard any parent who spanked their children 3 times on their bare butt for every single "F" they got. I love my dad with all my heart and he doesnt hit me anymore becuase i started to hit back when i was 16. now i am over 18 and he knows if he touches me...i will hit back. i suppose that maybe i have a big heart and i take blame for things that arent my fault. i have a hard time saying "no" so someone. wow..i didnt realize that all this has come out and that i had so many "skeltons" in my closet. i dont know if this abuse was why i let people walk all over me or because i was blessed with a big heart. i personally think i am sensitive..overly sensitive at time. i guess i take blame for things that arent my fault because i have sen so many others hurt in my life that i try to take that pain away from them so that they are happy and secure with themselves. i try and please them before myself. to me...i am a fat ugly cow lady and i dont care about myself at all. i have zero self esteem and at times...i feel like someone should shoot me so i can be put out of my misery. in my belief, if you kill yourself...you do not go to heaven and i want to. but from what i understand...if someone else kills you...you go to heaven. so that is the only reason why i havent done it. if i didnt believe that..i would have been dead 10 years ago. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted December 16, 2003 Share Posted December 16, 2003 Bingo. I didn't want to ask, because some part of me feels bad about asking, but since you offered, I'm just going to say it. I know a lot of people who have been abused and hurt, but your story is unbelievably sad. You've been severely hurt, and victimized, truamatized, and dehumanized. No one deserves what you got, but it's definitley a part of you. It is because of this abuse that what happened happens, and it is because of this abuse that you feel the way you do. [color=darkred]It is NOT your fault, and it is NOT untreatable, except that you can't do it alone.[/color] I'm going to assert that you were trying to ruin the relationship with the person who loves you, but that's okay. You need to tell your partner what you just told strangers, and you need to, immediately enter into therapy with a trusted and talented doctor. You can be healed, and then you will be able to be comfortable with yourself, and with your relationship. You already have someone who loves you, and when you love yourself and reconcile your past, you're going to be grateful that you do. Link to post Share on other sites
cindy0039 Posted December 16, 2003 Share Posted December 16, 2003 Autumnlover - I am so sorry to hear what you have been through. I hope that you will speak to a therapist about everything you have told us here, someone who is a professional at helping people deal with problems from childhoods such as yours. Like Dyermaker said, none of this is your fault. As far as what happened four years ago...let it go. It does nobody any good for you to still be feeling guilt for that one mistake. People make mistakes. If you don't feel that the relationship you are in now will ever be healthy (for whatever reasons), then you should get out of it and worry about your own health and mental well-being. That is what should be most important to you right now. I hate to be repetitive, but I REALLY think that a therapist could help you through a lot of this. And if you are as depressed as you sound, you should speak to your doctor/psychiatrist about possibly adjusting your medications. I'm not sure where you live, but there are hotlines with 1-800 numbers that you can call and speak to a live person who can talk to you. My heart goes out to you. Please speak to somebody and come back and let us know how you're doing. Take care! Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 16, 2003 Share Posted December 16, 2003 i am a fat ugly cow lady and i dont care about myself at all. i have zero self esteem and at times...i feel like someone should shoot me so i can be put out of my misery. in my belief, if you kill yourself...you do not go to heaven and i want to. but from what i understand...if someone else kills you...you go to heaven. so that is the only reason why i havent done it. if i didnt believe that..i would have been dead 10 years ago. Autumnlover: Those are the words of a depressed person. Whatever meds you are on are still not working. Depression is a great deceiver, autumnlover. It will make you believe all sorts of lies - like that you are ugly and no good. These things are not true, but depression makes you believe them. You have to fight against these feelings with the help of your doctor. Please call him right away and read him your post - or at least tell him that you still feel horrible. Link to post Share on other sites
Author autumnlover Posted December 17, 2003 Author Share Posted December 17, 2003 Thank you to all who have responded to me. yes, I am very depressed and i feel like there is nothing i can do. i called my doctor this morning and i was told she would get back to me. i dont know when that will be but i guess all i can do is wait. i just wish things would get better soon Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 17, 2003 Share Posted December 17, 2003 By all means, autumnlover, tell her everything you told us. It sounds like your meds are way off and she needs to know how awful you truly feel. Link to post Share on other sites
cindy0039 Posted December 17, 2003 Share Posted December 17, 2003 Originally posted by autumnlover i just wish things would get better soon They WILL get better, I promise you. I put a call in to the "Big Guy." I'll continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Link to post Share on other sites
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