LaureninVA Posted December 16, 2003 Share Posted December 16, 2003 I need some advice badly since I'm always doubting how I feel, or questioning whether I'm overreacting or not....sorry if my post is kinda long. My BF has this female friend, kind of an ex girlfriend even though they never "technically" had a relationship. They've been sexually intimate in the past and I know that he had VERY strong feelings for her for a long time (I dont think that she felt the same way which is why they never had an actual relationship). I actually think he still had a thing for her at the time that he and I met. Anyway, she seems like a nice enough person, although she has some issues pertaining to drinking and drugs. We've all hung out a couple of times and he always complains about her drinking or drug use and constant partying, and he says that he doesnt want to hang out with her anymore. A couple weeks will go by, and then he goes back to talking to her again. Same thing has happened a few times, they talk, they dont talk, then they talk again. Last week it happened again. Something happened (he wouldnt get into it) and he *****ed and moaned and said he wasnt talking to her anymore. This past weekend we were going to go to this bar where a lot of our friends go, and he refused, saying he didnt want to see Megan. There was no guarantee that she was going to be there, and even if she was, she generally spent most of her time getting wasted and talking to people other than us anyway. Finally we went, she wasnt there and that was the end of it until she started calling him repeatedly at 2am. He wouldnt answer her calls. The following nite she started calling again and wanted him to meet her at the same bar. He told her that he was at my house and he wasnt sure if he could go or not. Again, he ranted and raved about how he just couldnt deal with her bull***t and didnt want to be friends with her. He decided to go home at around 11:30 and I went to bed. (now I'm kind of wondering if he did in fact go home). Last nite, and this is the biggie, I went Christmas shopping. He was going over to his friends house for their Monday nite guys nite and he said he would call me when he was on his way to work (he works nites). I got home at about 11 and thought it was strange that he hadnt called me (its pretty routine that he calls when he leaves his friend's at 9ish). I knew he should be on his way to work, so I called him. He was over at Megan's house. I quickly ended the call without asking for an explanation, or waiting for him to give one. I havent spoken to him since because I just dont know what to think. The fact that he gets angry with her, then goes running back all the time seems weird to me. I normally wouldnt be jealous or untrusting, except that I know how he felt about her in the past (or may still). What should I do? Are my feelings justified or am I overreacting? Please help! Thanks for reading, I know this was a long post! Link to post Share on other sites
andreautick Posted December 16, 2003 Share Posted December 16, 2003 Mmm, I smell a RAT! I don't mean to be mean, but he has LIED to you. And, there is a reason he won't tell you what happenned...think about that fact. There is a reason that he had devoted SO much energy to avoiding this girl, and why he is so concerned about her drug and alcohol issues. It's obviously not because he has distain for it, but because he cares about her. You need to have a serious talk with him, and you're not overreacting. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaureninVA Posted December 16, 2003 Author Share Posted December 16, 2003 Well, I'm pretty sure he did go to his Monday nite guys nite thing, but the fact that he left there and went to Megan's makes me wonder. Why wouldnt he have called me to let me know where he was? He called me this morning when he got off of work, but we didnt get into it. He sounded like everything was hunky-dory, totally clueless that I might have been a little peeved. I kept the conversation very short, telling him that i was busy at work. I guess I'll end up seeing him tonite, but I dont know what to do, or how I should act. I kinda feel like i'll seem like some overbearing bi***. I want to tell him its either me or her, but I dont think that would go over too well, plus I dont want to be that kind of girlfriend. But at the same time, I just dont trust him with her. Maybe its my problem? Maybe I just have trust issues? I dont know, I'm soooo confused! Link to post Share on other sites
andreautick Posted December 16, 2003 Share Posted December 16, 2003 No no no, You, as a girlfriend, have certain rights. You deserve to be able to count on him being honest, and to be the only woman he cares for in "that" way. And, if you suspect that these rights are being alienated, you have EVERY right to mention it. You don't have to give him an ultimatum or anything, but you should definitely talk to him. Just tell him how you feel and why and ask for his honesty. If you mask your feelings now, it will only be worse for you and your relationship later. Honestly is the KEY. And, he is not being honest, and you need to talk to him. Maybe call him now and tell him that you want to sit down and have a talk when he gets home. That way he's prepared. If you send him the message that it's ok to not be honest with you and call you when he says he will, he'll keep doing it. And, it makes you feel bad so it is NOT ok. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted December 16, 2003 Share Posted December 16, 2003 Lauren, It really kind of depends on where your relationship with this guy is at. How long your've been together....what is the stage of commitment.....etc. There is a difference between being a B-tchy girlfriend and having some ground rules in the relationship. I'm thinking him hanging out at some girls house who he once had the hots for.....would be a NO NO in the rules. If you haven't gotten to a place where you've set some boundaries and agreed on things....then there isn't much you can say. However, with him doing this.....until he gets over her....it may not be worth fooling it. You mentioned drinking and drugs....and she could have enticed him over with that. You COULD give him the benefit of the doubt this once....then, let him know you care too much about him to 'share' his company with her and if he needs her friendship in his life.....you are going to walk! What goes on between you guys NOW is building the foundation of a possible tomorrow. If the foundation has already absorbed mistrust (which is all HIS fault)....it either needs to be corrected or it will infest itself into your relationship like the plague! If he's committed to you....he needs to stay away from her. That's just my opinion though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaureninVA Posted December 16, 2003 Author Share Posted December 16, 2003 Its only been 4 months, but seems much longer. We are committed in that we are not dating others, and although we have talked about living together, possibly in the summer, we currently live separately. He told me he loved me after about a month and a half, took me a little longer to reciprocate the feeling. He seemed to dive in a lot faster than me, and develop feelings faster than me. We spend probably 5 days out of the week together. Thats the stage of the relationship right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted December 16, 2003 Share Posted December 16, 2003 Originally posted by andreautick No no no, You, as a girlfriend, have certain rights. Maybe call him now and tell him that you want to sit down and have a talk when he gets home. I agree with Andre. If you are commited to each other and have not set the ground rules which you are both comfortable with...then this is a good time to do just that. You don't have to make a big deal over it....just let him know what is and what is not acceptable to you. He can share his thoughts on that as well. This will save you COUNTLESS arguments later!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
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