Kantor Posted December 3, 2009 Share Posted December 3, 2009 I'm worried about breaking my NC with my ex. We broke up a month ago after an argument about commitment... I have since found out I likely suffer from CP, as we have had this issue a couple times before. The issue would never come up until the word marriage was put into place. I would panic and run from the situation. I've done a lot of soul searching, and a lot of reading and am "committed" to changing my ways and committed to being with her. Initiated the NC because I felt she needed space, she never asked for space, but I just got the feeling. Now I'm worried that if I don't talk to her and show her that not only I have the tools to change, but am committed to making the changes and learning from my mistakes she'll soon be out of reach. LS, help me, what should I do. I don't want to lose this girl forever. Link to post Share on other sites
Kaya Posted December 3, 2009 Share Posted December 3, 2009 Communicate with her, and tell her this: I've done a lot of soul searching, and a lot of reading and am "committed" to changing my ways and committed to being with her. Initiated the NC because I felt she needed space, she never asked for space, but I just got the feeling. Best of luck! My ex is a CP and I wish he would be willing to change his ways for me, sigh. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kantor Posted December 3, 2009 Author Share Posted December 3, 2009 I'm worried that I may be rushing into things and it may push her away. Should I wait a little longer? She said her feelings changed for me and she couldn't go back. However, this was right after we broke up and the wounds were still so very fresh. How do I get her to reevaluate our situation? We've been together four years and I don't know how someone can truly change her feelings that quickly. Link to post Share on other sites
stace79 Posted December 3, 2009 Share Posted December 3, 2009 I wouldn't wait, but I wouldn't badger her either. I was in a similar situation in April with my ex-fiance, and he tried to let me know he wanted to work things out, but didn't push it. Just told me once, calmly, and then left contact up to me. Asked me to see him about two weeks after our break up which we did, and it was purely platonic at the time. Then we just hung out a few more times after that and I saw he really was making the changes. However be prepared, too, that she may have just decided she couldn't be hurt by you anymore, and she might not give you a chance to prove to her that you're willing to commit to her. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kantor Posted December 3, 2009 Author Share Posted December 3, 2009 Anyone else have thought I'm really afraid of screwing this up. Link to post Share on other sites
kickintheaz Posted December 3, 2009 Share Posted December 3, 2009 Anyone else have thought I'm really afraid of screwing this up. hey Kantor, I was that CP, I was that guy who realised what he wanted and un-cp'd himself (yes, its a word!) and told her, 6 months after the break up.. (yes am still on my own!) anyway, tonight I ended up ringing her!!!! after a short txt exchange based on my accusatory (angry) txt the other night.. she was cold at the start and then opened up and an hour later I know all about whats goin on in her day to day life these last 3 days, she is hurting and she misses talking to me, but I left her with a good impression of me, I can quite happily face NC now (and told her I would be) because I know she now has a pleasant memory of me.. Now, as to breaking NC to tell her how you feel, if its burning you up inside, then having done it I'd say go for it, I've not got the result I want and to be honest I think that my ex is 70/30 in favour of never entering anything again with me bar 'friendship', which i cannot do... but hey, I did it, I got burned (I think), but I know I've to move on. and I've no regret bout doing it either!! Your ex may never regain those feelings, you can never get someone to change their feelings by words alone, but she obviously doesn't have all the information now.. so give it to her.. it may not help the situation, but it will dam sure help you!.. (Nothing like getting it off the chest).. and ya won't be looking back thinking 'why didn't I'.. cos it will haunt you.. when/if ya do it, do it in person, not by phone or mail etc.. in person.. and try not to be as blubbering as me when you do do it!!!.. Life is all about Risks, and so is Love.. just be aware the end result may not see you with the prize ya want... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kantor Posted December 3, 2009 Author Share Posted December 3, 2009 So I text her asking if we could talk tonight. She responded right away and wanted to know what I wanted to talk about. I told her that I had a lot of time to to think about what happened and wanted to talk about it. She said she doesn't think there is any point to talk about it anymore. I asked for a chance for her to hear me out about what I had to say. She asked a chance for what? I told her a chance to talk and then ended by telling her I had to go to worke and asked her to hear me out one last time. She hasn't responded yet, but she's also at work now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kantor Posted December 3, 2009 Author Share Posted December 3, 2009 I should add I sent one more text, and that will be it if she doesn't respond. I was concerned she woul fear I was doing this for the wrong reason so I sent something along the lines of: I'm not doing this because I want you back or because I lost you. I'm doing this because I want a chance to apologize in person for the way I treated you. I hope this speaks to her and gives me the chance to apologize and explain why my faults have put us in this situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kantor Posted December 4, 2009 Author Share Posted December 4, 2009 So I can feel my heart shatttering again. She hasn't responded, there is still some hope but I need some more LS advice. If she agrees to talk my guess would be phone only, I really want in person...? If she doesn't respond at all should I call her? If she flat out says no or not right now, do I stomach it and move back to NC without telling her how I feel? As you can tell emotions are running high and I don't want to make the wrong decision. Help me LS, please. Link to post Share on other sites
Pentel Posted December 4, 2009 Share Posted December 4, 2009 im in the same situation, i've changed but she can't see it Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kantor Posted December 4, 2009 Author Share Posted December 4, 2009 (edited) Ugh its horrible, my heart is going to explode I swear it. ** She never responded, and left her a voice mail asking for her to call me, we all know that's not going to happen... I guess its time for me to visit the coping section, I just really wanted to talk to her and show her what progress I've made. I guess it's too late for that, looks like I ripped open the stitches holding my heart together =/ Edited December 4, 2009 by Kantor Link to post Share on other sites
Surfer Girl Posted December 4, 2009 Share Posted December 4, 2009 She most likely doesn't trust your words.... apologizing is one thing.... perhaps you are feeling this way because you miss her want her etc.... What is different this time? That is what she needs to know.... and are you able to back up the words with actions? Link to post Share on other sites
red_cloud Posted December 4, 2009 Share Posted December 4, 2009 Why are you texting???? Pick up the d*mn phone! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kantor Posted December 4, 2009 Author Share Posted December 4, 2009 She most likely doesn't trust your words.... apologizing is one thing.... perhaps you are feeling this way because you miss her want her etc.... What is different this time? That is what she needs to know.... and are you able to back up the words with actions? There is a lot different this time. Not only do I realize the reasoning behind the problems that were caused, I know how to fix them and why they happened. She won't give me another chance is really what it comes down to. Perhaps her feelings can just change that quickly after an event like this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kantor Posted December 4, 2009 Author Share Posted December 4, 2009 Why are you texting???? Pick up the d*mn phone! Tried that, she wouldn't answer or call back. At this point I'm pretty sure she'll go NC with me. Not sure what else to do, if anything, might be time to suck up my pride and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
stace79 Posted December 4, 2009 Share Posted December 4, 2009 Tried that, she wouldn't answer or call back. At this point I'm pretty sure she'll go NC with me. Not sure what else to do, if anything, might be time to suck up my pride and move on. I'm with you -- my ex doesn't want to see my changes and doesn't want another chance with me. Really, when that's the case, all you can do is move on. Really sorry for you -- I know how hard this is and how much it hurts. I know it isn't much but you have to think how much your changes will help you in your NEXT relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kantor Posted December 4, 2009 Author Share Posted December 4, 2009 I'm with you -- my ex doesn't want to see my changes and doesn't want another chance with me. Really, when that's the case, all you can do is move on. Really sorry for you -- I know how hard this is and how much it hurts. I know it isn't much but you have to think how much your changes will help you in your NEXT relationship. Thank you, you're right whether the changes are for her or me they are changes in the right direction. Link to post Share on other sites
red_cloud Posted December 4, 2009 Share Posted December 4, 2009 How long did she has issues with your commitment issues? If this is something that has been bothering her for a long time, one month might not be enough to get over it. Remember that the most heartbreaking thing you can do to a girl is make her feel unappreciated or unworthy of your commitment. Whether or not she still has feelings for you, I think she is doing the right thing. If this has been going on for a while, one month is not enough for a person to change CP and their lifestyle. Surely a month couldn't have made that much difference... maybe you REALIZE that you have this issues now and want to work on them, but that's not the same as changing, and if she's a smart girl, she'll know that. So you calling her and saying "hey, I've changed" isn't going to hold much weight. Many will disagree here and say NC - but I think that if a woman left because she didn't feel that you were committed to her - NC is just going to prove her point right. ONly you know her and you need to find a balance between showing consistency and dedication and not becoming annoying.. I dont know how you can do that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kantor Posted December 4, 2009 Author Share Posted December 4, 2009 Id say the issue came up once yearly over the four years. That was really our only major arugments that usually led to minor breakups based on the CP and me making rash decisions in a panic trying to run. I didn't understand commitment, I lived in that fantasy world. Plus my childhood examples of how wrong a marriage can go has left me with some stymga I wasn't aware of until I look back at our history. As much as I want this girl back in my life, I can't keep giving myself hope if all the signs she sends are not in my favor. This is the second time she would initially respond then go silent. (I think one of her friends is advising this) So for me, I have to move on. How can you keep hope if this person claims she's already over it. I know she's hurt and I know she's angry but she won't give me an opportuntiy to even apologize. It's sad, because I do really love her. I guess I love her enough to let her go if that's what she wants. What else can I do? Link to post Share on other sites
Kic Posted December 5, 2009 Share Posted December 5, 2009 You've made the last-ditch appeal, so NC is probably the only option. You may have heard that your level of attention in her doesn't really matter - only her attention level matters at this point, and the only way for that to raise up is by her realizing that she misses you. So no more texts, emails, calls, etc. from you. Get some exercise and focus on yourself for awhile. Hang out with some old friends. Find a new reason to smile. Allow this lonely period to remind yourself that you may be the type of person that does indeed need to eventually commit, whether with this girl or the next one, in order to be happier than you are right now. Link to post Share on other sites
muse08 Posted December 5, 2009 Share Posted December 5, 2009 Tried that, she wouldn't answer or call back. At this point I'm pretty sure she'll go NC with me. Not sure what else to do, if anything, might be time to suck up my pride and move on. Am I the only person who sees your last text to her as "lame" and clearly a way to make YOURSELF feel better, not her. She may still care for you sincerely, but you just don't know how to let your guard down. You ended things so you should be able to be more open about how you feel. You can't just "sense" that someone wants to break up w/ you,lol...shucks. If a guy who broke up with me texted me with something like this in it "...I'm NOT doing this because I want to get back together with you..." I would completely ignore it. You are contradicting yourself first of all. You said you didn't want to lose her so why are you faking like getting her back is not a priority for you? You will feel better if you get off your chest how much you really care for her. You brief "ego saving text moment" may be short lived, but being honest about your feelings can give you know regret in the long run. You will come out on top. What did you expect to achieve by breaking up with her? Trust me on this one, if you don't say how you really feel (like: I really don't want to lose you and I'm sorry) then she will most likely continue to ignore you... Link to post Share on other sites
muse08 Posted December 5, 2009 Share Posted December 5, 2009 I'm not doing this because I want you back or because I lost you. I'm not trying to badger you, but what were you thinking as you typed this? This is where I think you may have missed the mark... Link to post Share on other sites
Kaya Posted December 5, 2009 Share Posted December 5, 2009 I agree with Muse 100%. That text didn't communicate what you mentioned in your original post. If a guy who broke up with me texted me with something like this in it "...I'm NOT doing this because I want to get back together with you..." I would completely ignore it. You are contradicting yourself first of all. You said you didn't want to lose her so why are you faking like getting her back is not a priority for you? You will feel better if you get off your chest how much you really care for her. You brief "ego saving text moment" may be short lived, but being honest about your feelings can give you know regret in the long run. You will come out on top. You need to be completely honest with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kantor Posted December 5, 2009 Author Share Posted December 5, 2009 I'm not trying to badger you, but what were you thinking as you typed this? This is where I think you may have missed the mark... Thinking, not a whole lot of that going on. Getting advice by a ton of different people and trying and hoping for the best. I think you're right though, when I look back at this without being full of emotion it was lame of me to do, and probably why she didn't respond. So what do I do how, I don't want to "badger" her, should I give it a couple days and try again? I really only think text is the option as she wont call me or see me. Link to post Share on other sites
sean1970 Posted December 5, 2009 Share Posted December 5, 2009 So what do I do how, I don't want to "badger" her, should I give it a couple days and try again? I really only think text is the option as she wont call me or see me. Leave her alone. Link to post Share on other sites
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