Struggling with LDR

[wanderingstar]

Need a little advice.

 

I met my fella last year while he was in my country, we ended up casually dating for six months and then he had to return to his home country where he's been for the past year and a half. During this time, I've traveled over and spent a significant amount of time with him, three months here, two months there - so all in all we've been together almost 2 years, he was here 5 months, I have been traveling over there for 7 months and we've spent a month or two apart. This latest time it's been about 4 months. We've planned a trip with one another over the holidays.

 

My problem is... I'm ready to move forward. I've been ready and in fact have expressed this to him. I'm at a place in my life where it would be easy for me to move to his country and start anew there. I've mentioned it to him it seems every couple of months and he's responded that he doesn't know where his job will send him and he doesn't want me to resent him if I move there and he's away for a long extended period of time.

 

The problem is... I feel I'm starting to resent him now because honestly I feel as if my life is on hold. I'm waiting and I don't want to wait any longer.

 

If I start a new position, get a apartment, get a car - it'll be a lot harder for me to drop all of that. At the moment I have no obligations and nothing keeping me anywhere. I'm free. But I fear I soon won't be. I told him it would be easier and cheaper for me to just start fresh and new there. But he's responded... he'll know more in January.

 

It's true he is waiting for this company to figure their sched out. But while he's waiting I'm also waiting and I feel as if I'm left in limbo. and it's starting to make me have great hesitations. Ive been lately struggling with thoughts of moving on. I just don't want to be hanging on to something that will never happen.

 

We have no end date. And whenever I try to bring up the fact that having one is a good thing, it's always left unanswered. I've read the best ldr have end dates. The successful ones. I don't know. Have any of you ever had to deal with anything like this?

 

Sometimes more lately I've been feeling disconnected. I still love him but I'm starting to wonder if it's ever going to happen. I also want kids and my clock isn't going to be ticking for that much longer... Huge decision. Any advice or thoughts?

[AnnPod]

Hello wanderingstar,

 

I hear you!!

 

I mean not with the having kids things, because I am still quite young, but yes, I am done with school in January and he too, and even though we both agreed we wanna make it work next year and be together, it still freaks me out that we don't have any concrete plans.

 

And just like you - I'm the one saying that I would move and everything, and he is just like 'nice, but I don't know where I'm gonna be, give me some more time.' And I'm also wondering, I have some possibilities here, and if I should start a career now somewhere here, but if I do, I can not leave later on. And I don't wanna just live from bad payed jobs until he finally feels like he has decided what to do - because it's not just about his life, but also about mine.

 

And I am noticing that I am lately kind of depressed and stressed out over this. And I don't know if that has ever been an issue for you, but I've always been a faithful person, but some days ago I almost messed things up, and I think the reason might be that I start to feel disconnected and that I am wondering if this is really going somewhere.

 

I can tell you that some time ago I went to a sort of shrink because of that, and he said we should both make up our minds if we would like to have a future together, i.e. live together and stuff. So I thought about it and asked him too, and we both agreed with that. So I don't know if you have done that too, but yes, this helps. But still I think that as long as nothing is happening all this is words, and I need so much some actions, something concrete happening, because I feel so much I can't go on much longer like this.

 

I think the only advice I can give you now (and this is what I am telling myself as well) is to try to be patient and strong. Think about what makes you want to be with this person in the first place, if he is sincere with you, if you can live some more time like that without sacrificing too much of your own happiness. And also try to find out if he is aware of how much this bothers you. And I always remind myself: It is my decision to be like that, I don't have to if I don't want to.

 

Good luck!

Edited December 4, 2009 by AnnPod

[wanderingstar]

whoa... yes! that is it exactly.

 

Im a bit older though, in my 30s, which is why the concern for children. i'd rather live and enjoy time with my guy for a little while before we go down that route. We've spoken about that as well and he is well aware of this fact.

 

I went back to school to complete a masters and i took the time off so that i could get to there. Now I'm ready to work and ready to get a place, and if I'm staying in the local that I am I'd need a car. I won't be able to spend all this money doing that and then have to do it again six months from now.

 

It is VERY depressing and I am VERY stressed. I haven't strayed but the thought has been it'd just be better to be single lately has flowed through my mind. And is it worth it? Because he's not making up his mind and I'm "waiting" for him and I know well enough that you should not wait for anyone but I find myself here. And luckily it hasn't been too long, as I was busy doing my thing before, but now I'm ready... More than ready. And just not sure he is. He keeps putting things off.

 

sigh

[soulseeker]

It seems silly to put your life on hold for someone who isn't ready to commit to you...after two years? Regardless of your age.

 

Any men here want to comment?

[billy356]

I would say you need to have a more direct conversation with him. I dont know for sure but it sounds like so far the discussion on the topic has been cursory at best. I think now is the time to have the more serious version.

 

You need to say something to the effect of "Listen, I need to know if you want a future with me and if you do then we need to make these steps...." and if he hems and haws at that point you need to let him know that you are ready to walk away for good and find someone who can commit to a plan.

 

It just really feels like a very very direct approach is in order here. Nothing overly emotional or aggressive, just direct and to the point. "If you dont do A then B will happen..."

 

Wishing you the best...