4givrnt4gtr Posted December 4, 2009 Share Posted December 4, 2009 so my long time friend and I got drunk a while back and hooked up. I regreted it cuz well, I dont usually do that. Long story short...... Ive always felt he's had some sort of feelings for me, and actually last year we got drunk and made out. That bassically proved to me i was right all along. Still he denied it and said that he just thought i was attractive and he trusted me so why not. Anyway i decided to believe that and nothing happened again til last week since we were both in relationships...still i kept my distance cuz he just gives me this vibe and I didnt want anything to jeopardize my relationship then. So now that we are both broken up with our respective exs, we went out to have a few drinks as payment for a bet i lost and then we hooked up. I wasnt so surprised this time, but still made me wonder what in the world does it all mean....and the fact that i was kind of expecting it made me even more nervous. we talked about it as he wanted to make sure I wouldnt cut off our friendship like i did last time. I said i was fine but if we wanted to keep being friends this would never happen again. He then asked me why....and that i had said that last time. I told him i was ashamed of it, as I dont do random hook ups. He acted hurt saying he wasnt a random hook up, that I was his best friend and what could be better than doing that with your best friend. (We are very close....which is why the first time freaked me out). In any case, when he said the best friend bit all kinds of alarms rang in my head....a few days before that happened he told me he wanted to end up marrying his best friend, and before that he told me he would marry the next girl he kissed. SO there i am freaking out in my head while he keeps trying to convince me that FWB is a great idea. Now...i know this guy like the back of my hand and I KNOW he cannot do FWB. Just as a friend he gets jealous about guys i date and tells me to make sure they are good enough for me or they are going to have problems. I know he gets attached like a leech....he cannot do that and come out unscathed. THat and I am not dumb enough/ strong enough/ or whatever you need to be to do the whole FWB thing... So I kept telling him that its not even an option while he kept trying to convince me we should try it, as we both would be missing out in a lot if we dont. Ofcourse, all this played off as a joke. He then tells me "you just used me didnt you". I was taken aback. I asked him to explain and he tells me that both times I allowed for anything to happen between us was after I was dumped. He then tells me he is fine with that, but in that case to hurry up and get in another relationship, and break up so I can come back to him. Anyway all that ended up in him saying he was kidding and he knew i wouldnt go for it but it was "fun" to rile me up Then today he sends me a message on facebook. First thing he says is "that guy is hitting on you". I was kinda shocked and asked him what guy...apparently one of my old friends from high school posted somethign on my page....well the guy is gay...so no he wasnt hitting on me....but here we go... What do you guys think??? what in the world is this guy doing?!?! and most imkportantly...what in the world do i do about it???? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 4, 2009 Share Posted December 4, 2009 IMO, the way he played this, he's not your friend. He's not being honest either. Any more strikes you need to retire this guy? Link to post Share on other sites
ADF Posted December 4, 2009 Share Posted December 4, 2009 You have to understand many guys--maybe even most guys--prefer FWB to having a GF. FWB gets them everything having a girlfriend gets them, but with no strings attached--for the guy, it is the ultimate win/win situation. It sounds to me like he is trying to guilt you into a FWB. Don't do it, especially if you really like him. Once he gets you in a FWB, the relationship will go no further. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted December 4, 2009 Author Share Posted December 4, 2009 (edited) You have to understand many guys--maybe even most guys--prefer FWB to having a GF. FWB gets them everything having a girlfriend gets them, but with no strings attached--for the guy, it is the ultimate win/win situation. It sounds to me like he is trying to guilt you into a FWB. Don't do it, especially if you really like him. Once he gets you in a FWB, the relationship will go no further. Well, i know that....only i also know him and he's NEVER had a FWB...he's always had gfs. He loves to be in relationships because he likes the intimacy of it (directly from the horses mouth). Im sensing this whole FWB issues has more to do with the fact that since we started being really close Ive always told him I could never date him. That and that one of his best friend is one of my exes and I dont think the whole deal would go well with the ex either. In any case, I wouldnt date him. I love him to pieces, he's always had my back, and we've been friends for 5 years, but i would not date him. Actually last year after the first incident i thought about it and even convinced myself I did like him and would love to be with him. Fortunately this was at the time when we were not speaking because right before that I told him i couldnt talk to him anymore since a he kept bringing the incident up and b, my then bf, given out history, wasnt comfortable with it. After I broke up with my then boyfriend i thought i liked him for a bit...but he refused to talk to me after I threw a 4 year friendship over a guy who wasnt worth it. Since he didnt budge i moved on and I ended up meeting an amazing guy that made me see very clearly that I could never ever really be with my friend. He is just not what i want in a man. (The guy i met is my current ex....the reason Im acting so foolishly right now....hooking up with my friend..what the heck). Eventually my friend and I reconnected but I still felt something lurking underneath it all so I kept him at arms lenght while I was in my relationship. In any case, despite all that I am aware im physically attracted to him...and I feel bad that it sounds like Ive been leading him on....bassically it sounds to me that im in a lot deeper ish than I thought...but then again, maybe its just me???? Edited December 4, 2009 by 4givrnt4gtr Link to post Share on other sites
dazzle22 Posted December 4, 2009 Share Posted December 4, 2009 Well, there is a "mosh pit" of emotions going on here, so it is a bit hard to figure out but this is my guess.. -he likes you and would like to be your boyfriend, but knows you have told him you don't want that, so he is hoping that FWB might be a segue into something more and he's trying to play it cool here -whenever you sleep with someone, the relationship goes to a different level, and now both of you are trying to get your bearings again. Personally I think that is why hookups are dangerous - unless you have two cold hearted lizards involved, someone usually gets hurt. -you might want to look at this: you may be leading on your best friend and end up hurting him. Do you want that? Link to post Share on other sites
Boundary Problem Posted December 4, 2009 Share Posted December 4, 2009 You have to understand many guys--maybe even most guys--prefer FWB to having a GF. FWB gets them everything having a girlfriend gets them, but with no strings attached--for the guy, it is the ultimate win/win situation. It sounds to me like he is trying to guilt you into a FWB. Don't do it, especially if you really like him. Once he gets you in a FWB, the relationship will go no further. Their words will be something different, but their actions are often consistent with wanting FWB. Learning to say 'no' is essential. It means they lose out and you get to find a new boyfriend who will treat you properly. Whether or not the friendship remains depends on whether the feelings can be compartmentalized and whether each show each other respect. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted December 4, 2009 Author Share Posted December 4, 2009 Learning to say 'no' is essential. It means they lose out and you get to find a new boyfriend who will treat you properly. . Yeah I definitely will not do the whole FWB, with him or anyone else. Its just not me and Ive seen how bad that ends. Another thing is that Im leaving town in a few months so even if i wanted to nothing could happen anyway. Dazzle22, I kind of sense what you said, that he was using the FWB to segue into something else. I dont want to hurt him, so im trying to figure out how to handle it. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts