Feeling unsure about the whole wedding thing (NOT the marriage!)

[loveisgiven]

Hello, this is my first post here. My fiance and I got engaged about a month ago and I am really excited to be marrying him! We are planning a fall wedding (for next year) because we love that season. We have put down some smallish deposits. I found a dress I loved and put down a deposit with the store, and then at a bridal show I found a photographer and talked to my fiance and then we put down a deposit. With each deposit I felt a tug of regret... is this normal? I am more than 100% sure I want to marry him. And normally I am not "cheap" by any means. But I just start to hate the commercialism and stress and expense that goes into a "wedding." It seems that *everything* associated with a wedding is ridiculouly expensive! I know I would be just as happy running off to the top of a mountain with an officiant and getting married to him -- or even more happy because then we wouldn't have so much stress and wouldn't have to spend so much money.

 

We have a meeting with the venue on Saturday where we are supposed to sign the contract and give our deposit. Today my fiance and I started talking and he said he has been feeling the same way and often fantasizes about a small destination wedding in Mexico with just our family and good friends. We have talked a lot about focusing on buying a new house instead of on a traditional wedding. We each own a rather small "starter house". We plan to start a family and we would like to sell our houses and buy a slightly larger one now that the market is good for buying and there's the homeowner's tax credit, so that we can combine everything into one mortgage payment and into a house that we can own/share together.

 

But it would obviously be hard to do all of that and plan and finance a traditional wedding. (We would be paying for most of it ourselves -- our parents are each contributing small amounts, for which we are grateful!) On the one hand I envision (a less expensive version) of the semi-traditional wedding, excepts ours would be outdoors and not fancy schmancy, more like a big party! This of course costs money and time and means we would have to stay put with our two houses until sometime after the wedding. I don't want to regret not having the "typical" wedding experience. On the other hand I feel like we could have just as much fun at a Mexico wedding and then we could have a reception/ party at our new house when we get back and/or have it.

 

Does anyone know where I'm coming from? Has anyone not had a traditional wedding and regretted it? Or had a totally untraditional wedding and not regretted it one bit? We already told the venue that we are coming on Saturday to give our deposit and I feel locked in but we have't put any money down and this is our last chance to decide what we really want! All I know is that I want to marry him but I am feeling so overwhelmed by the wedding itself and all the decisions that come with it! Please tell me this is normal?!?!

 

My gut feels two things: 1) our money would be better spent buying a house, but 2) I do not want to regret not having a nice wedding. Also, I have a big family, and they are all super psyched about this wedding we have planned. At the last minute we are just feeling like, wait a minute, are we doing what we want to do and what's best for our financial situation, or what everyone else expects us to do?

[Rollercoasterr]

In situations like this, I think it's best to go with your gut. If you dont want the big wedding, don't have one. If you're truly in love then I'm sure you wouldn't mind if you got married in the middle of a rainstorm with your makeup running all down your face.

 

If you think that the money could be better spent then put it back for that house. I'm sure you will both thank each other later, especially in today's economy.

 

Go away, just the two of you or with a small group of friends and family. This is YOUR wedding. Do what YOU want.

 

Above all else, good luck and welcome to LS.

[quankanne]

definitely go with your gut. You're not obliged to do the traditional wedding by any means.

 

answer to your other question, about regretting not doing a traditional wedding? NO! We eloped. My only regrets then were that my mother wasn't there and that we didn't have our marriage blessed by the church: She was gracious about it and we're taking care of the other thing. But as pretty as some weddings I've been have been, I dont regret skipping that part in my particular case. I hate being up in front of people, I hate the idea of sinking money into something I don't want in the first place – though in hindsight, I really do wish we'd have thought about having a big old party to celebrate with friends. That would have been cool ...

 

remember, a wedding, while beautiful, isn't the important part of the marriage, and you can celebrate your nuptials without necessarily going into debt!

[loveisgiven]

Thank you both for the words of wisdom. I keep freaking out, thinking, we've already asked 6 people each to be in our wedding party! What are we going to tell them now, "you can be in our wedding if you come to Mexico?"

 

When my fiance first started talking about getting married (before he proposed), we were at one of our favorite spots in the whole world -- a campground at a lake and forrest about 3 hours away. He said it would be cool to have a wedding there and I was all for it. (We also talked about having a more traditional reception back home for people who couldn't travel 3 hours for the wedding or who didn't want to camp out.)

 

He gave up talking about this idea after we got engaged, although I asked him several times about it. He said his parents aren't the camping type. I think both of us may be more worried about what other people think/ expect than what we really wanted to do. I keep thinking about this spot and I would like us to just bring alcohol (which our state park system allows) and a bunch of chicken to grill and ask all of our friends at home to bring a camping chair or two (for our out of town guests) to set up for our wedding ceremony at the cliff by the lake and our campfire reception. We could play music from our car like we always do when we camp with friends, and dance. I think that would be lovely. The next morning my fiance-turned-husband could make his famous breakfast burritos and we could swim with our friends in the lake and hike or run with our dogs. We could even have a reception at our new house when we got home for people who couldn't make it to the camping wedding.

 

BUT it's not like we can't afford a traditional wedding/reception... we couldn't afford the Ritz Carlton but we could afford the wedding we have been planning, which is at a historic inn where we can have the wedding, reception, catering, alcohol, all wedding budget items such as music, modest flowers, photography, dress, etc. AND rooms for our out of town guests/ family, for under $20,000, which I guess is a good deal for all of that. It's just that we couldn't afford (money and time/ stress wise) all of that PLUS getting a new house together. Wouldn't it be kind of rude to invite people to a campground 3 hours away to eat grilled chicken and green peppers (or to pay their own way to Mexico and lodging while there) when we could actually afford to throw a nicer event for them?

 

What I can't wrap my head around is how hospitable we are supposed to be to the guests and whether it is wrong to spend the money on ourselves rather on them, yet still invite them to our wedding.

[doushenka]

when we could actually afford to throw a nicer event for them

 

Reread that sentence.

 

It's your wedding. Not your mom's, not your dad's, not your third cousin's (twice removed) -- yours and your fiancé's wedding. If what will make you happy will also save everyone some money, do you think they'll mind?

 

Your guests will be there because they love you, not because they expect fancy food and a DJ. Beyond that, all the rest is icing.

[loveisgiven]

True.

 

Thanks doushenka.

[Stung]

I keep thinking about this spot and I would like us to just bring alcohol (which our state park system allows) and a bunch of chicken to grill and ask all of our friends at home to bring a camping chair or two (for our out of town guests) to set up for our wedding ceremony at the cliff by the lake and our campfire reception. We could play music from our car like we always do when we camp with friends, and dance. I think that would be lovely. The next morning my fiance-turned-husband could make his famous breakfast burritos and we could swim with our friends in the lake and hike or run with our dogs. We could even have a reception at our new house when we got home for people who couldn't make it to the camping wedding.

.

 

This sounds beautiful.

 

Look, you can do the above, and rent a nearby cabin for elderly parents who dislike camping to stay in. Throw the reception later in your new home, as you suggested. Anyone who complains about this is just looking for an excuse to throw their weight around, IMO.

 

If you decide on the Mexican getaway, on the other hand...also a great idea...just expect that not many will be able to afford it, and make it a modified elopement. Again, you can throw a reception later if you're worried about it.

 

It's nice to make some concessions, like the cabin rental/later reception, if it keeps families happy, but remember at the end of the day it is YOUR wedding and should be a happy and meaningful day for you.

 

I got married this past October, and I was determined to try to avoid stressed-out-bride syndrome (*disclaimer: I was only partially successful at this) and to save money for our own personal reasons. Although we too could have afforded a bigger, more formal wedding, and there was some pressure to do so, it wasn't what either of us wanted, and I didn't want the hassle, frankly.

 

We rented a few cabins on a private beach, one for ourselves and others for our parents and kids. We got married on a silvered deck over a bay, wearing jeans (I did have an ivory tunic custom-made for about $250 and got my hair done). My cousin was deputized by the state to be our officiant, and it meant a lot to me to have someone who cared about me personally perform that service. We only invited our closest, closest family members (I admit, one of my friends is still pissed about this, but I maintain that she should grow up and get over it). We had a barbecue and picnicked on the beach with kebabs and various salads and a lot of champagne and cheesecake, and then spent the next five days drinking wine in front of the fire and getting couples massages when alone, and going on hikes and picnics and horseback rides with our kids and family the rest of the time. It was GREAT and I am so glad I have such relaxed, happy, true-to-myself memories of my wedding.

[loveisgiven]

That sounds liike a great wedding to me, Stung!

 

Did you feel like you had to do a lot of the work yourself? The downside to the camping idea is that we would be working a lot during the wedding instead of just enjoying it like we could do if we paid people to take care of us. My fiance would be doing a lot of the work because he is the outdoorsy camping type who insists on setting up his own tent on his own and helping other people set theirs up and cooking for everyone. So I think the Mexico trip appeals to him because we can just be whisked away and have a nice event for lower costs without having to do any of it on our own. I know that at the camping "reception" I would want to make everyone's drinks and make sure they have enough food, etc, so we would both be doing more work than at a traditional or destination wedding, but perhaps we wouldn't mind because it would be fun, and ridiculously inexpensive.

 

And I also think that with my dad and brother and his dad and brother-in-law there, there would be other guys around to do the traditional camping type stuff and the grilling, and that with his and my mom and sisters and girl friends, there would be plenty of other willing "hostesses", so we wouldn't have to do too much.

[loveisgiven]

Maybe I want to have my cake and eat it too, ha ha... I want an inexpensive wedding that we don't have to "host" ourselves! And even though throwing a camping shindig and later a backyard reception would decrease the current stress of wedding planning, it might be more stressful during the actual event, due to us being in charge of set up and cleaning and serving etc. I guess for every negative there is a positive and it all comes down to what our priorities are. Unfortunately our energy and money can't be directed everywhere at once!

[Stung]

There is a trade-off, and I think actually camping would be somewhat more work than what we came up with...but then I'm not big on sleeping on the ground, myself . I think I managed to stumble across the best of both worlds, at least it felt that way to us. We had organizing to do beforehand and food-shopping to do on the day, but had mapped out exactly what we wanted and where to get it, and my dad and new husband handled the grilling...BBQ is pretty low-maintenance. We had few guests, nobody made a big mess, family members were happy to take the baby off our hands (which made everything seem easy-breezy all by itself). We brought up disposable earth-friendly bamboo plates and flatware, and when everything was wrapping up our moms helped pick up, which didn't involve much: shaking out picnic blankets, rinsing out champagne glasses. We were able to retire early back to our cabin with more of the cake and champagne and get busy in front of the fireplace (another thing you might want to consider: tents don't block much noise).

 

 

As for the rest of the little family honeymoon: we paid for cabins which included maid service and had stocked kitchens, so our families could cook for themselves over the next few days or go out to dinner in nearby towns as they chose, but eating out was their own expense. We all met up every morning to coordinate our plans for the day, sometimes we all did something together, sometimes we split up and the others took our kids to give us some privacy (we paid for all of our kids' activities or group outings if there was an associated cost, but most of the activities were outdoorsy and free). Our solution was more expensive than your campground plan, but I still paid far, far less than a more traditional wedding would have cost, and it built up a lot of goodwill and quality time among the inlaws. You could probably achieve something very similar with the Mexico holiday, although it really helped streamline things that we cut out all friends and extended family from the guest list and paid our immediate family's way ourselves.

[knitwit]

Hi LoveIsGiven- I am not sure where you're located, but in most parts of the US, I think its possible to throw a great wedding for about $10k. This would leave some $ for a house, plus you're likely to get some wedding gift money that you could put towards your house.

 

We had a fairly non-traditional wedding this past July- I don't regret anything about it. It was not "cheap" but it was also not extravagant. It was just very Us. We originally wanted to do a courthouse or private beach ceremony with just the two of us. However, my mom sat me down and expressed how much having a wedding would mean to her and to my very ill father. My parents really never do this kind of thing. My fiance said he'd go with whatever I decided. I knew that once I decided either way, I was going to have to really WANT to do it that way. Ultimately, I decided to go with a low-key wedding and make sure that it really reflected who we were.

 

For us, it was the right call. Although it was insanely stressful (even for low-key), it was all worth it. If you are close to your family, it is really wonderful to have everyone there. I never wanted a wedding, I am not a girly-girl at all, and mostly we thought we would just get the day over with and happily move on to enjoy married life together. It turns out, though, that the day was really magical and for both of us, was one of the favorite days of our lives so far. So if you think that maybe you'd like to have your family and friends there, I would say go with that feeling.

 

I went to http://www.apracticalwedding.com/ and www.indiebride.com a LOT. What I found out is that there are a lot of cool, creative, meaningful things you can do that are also very thrifty. For us, for instance, we didn't bother with a florist. Our families are both excellent gardeners, and as show of joining families, our flowers came from their gardens. We made our own bouquets and corsages the night before, and they were gorgeous and meaningful. We got a great photographer for under $1000, and instead of having him print our pictures, we got a DVD of every photo taken, plus the creative and distribution rights. This was excellent in several ways: 1. we can print whichever photos we want, as frequently as we want, and give or post them as we see fit. 2. We can use/edit every picture taken. 3. The photographer got many excellent pictures of our guests. We were able to send at least one photo to every guest in their Thank You note. These were both thrifty and we feel really added to our wedding- we would have wanted to do this even if they hadn't saved us money.

 

We kept everything really simple. Our bridesmaids just wore their own favorite black dress; the groomsmen wore their own black suits.

 

Our guestbook was a simple sheet of parchment paper that people signed like a yearbook. We have our wedding license in the center of it, and it's framed and hanging on our wall. We can look to see the license, along with everyone's well-wishes, messages of love and happiness. I love it! It is more meaningful for us than a traditional guestbook, and cost next to nothing- just paper, a few nice markers, and a frame.

 

Also, in Pennsylvania, you can get a Self-Uniting license. So we walked down the stone path aisle together, gave the vows that we wrote ourselves, and married each other- no officiant or minister needed. For us, I felt that we really are partners in every way, so writing our vows together, walking down the "aisle" together, and declaring ourselves Husband and Wife was a natural fit.

 

As you can see from this and other threads, many of us who've gone through it really love to talk about our weddings! Whatever you and your fiance decide to do, you are joining together officially, and it will be wonderful. Please let us know what you decide and how it all goes!

[quankanne]

love, the camping scene sounds pretty neat – if you're serious about doing that, how about asking the "six friends each" who've you've invited to be in the wedding to serve as your padrinos (or sponsors, in the Mexican tradition – each couple oversees, even pays for different parts of the wedding, like the band, the cake, the invitations, etc). You could ask each to oversee different parts of the set-up of the event: If it's camping, someone to help secure sites and set up tents; someone to oversee cooking the wedding feast (using a team); someone to ensure the cake and the beverages get there; someone to stand up as witnesses and keep an eye on the rings; etc. People are always happy to help, and you just might be surprised at how willing they are, esp. since it means not having to splurge on an outfit they're never going to wear again

 

seriously, though, look into ideas and sites with your honey, and see what appeals most to y'all. The way I see it, you've got two main concerns: Finding someone to officiate at the place you choose, and then securing a site where you celebrate with your friends. You don't have to go into any kind of serious debt to do either.

 

and while it might be a bit bohemian, I guarantee people are going to be happy to be able to celebrate y'alls big day with you, not how much you invested in the trappings of a wedding.

 

again, it's about YOU and what YOU TWO feel comfortable with; everyone else is just along for the fun ride

[Mary3]

You are a very accomodating person but in the end its your BIG day

 

I like your idea of the type of wedding you want... It does leave more money for your house needs later on.

 

I hope you have every dream come true with your wedding