Feeling jealous of her new boyfriend?

[SinCosTan]

About 5 weeks ago, I broke up with my girlfriend. It was kind of a mutual decision, really. The relationship had been falling apart since early last spring, and by midway through July, I knew I didn't want to be with her anymore, but didn't have the nerve to do it.

 

But today, I overheard her talking to a friend on the phone (We work together, and surprisingly enough, it hasn't been awkward!) about some guy taking her out to a fancy restaurant next week, and instantly I felt my heart sink.

 

I thought I was over her. When we broke up, I felt relieved. I was free again. Sure, I kind of sat around for the rest of that day feeling a bit depressed since I was closing a 1 1/2 year long chapter of my life, but it was pretty balanced with the joy of being single again and not having to deal with her anymore.

 

But now, I've got this image in my head of her in her bed having sex with another man, and it makes absolutely sick to my stomach.

 

It just hurts so bad, and I want this pain to end, and the easiest way to do that would be to try to get back together with her, but I know that even if she did take me back, I'd only become unhappy again. But I just absolutely cannot stand the thought of her being with someone else.

 

I talked to my sister today for some support, and she said that she went through something similar with one boyfriend. They were together for about two years, but over a year after they broke up, she stumbled upon a picture of him with his new girlfriend and she felt jealous and depressed for weeks, even though she was relieved to not be in that relationship.

 

I still just don't understand it though...why would I feel such strong jealousy over a woman I didn't want to be with?

[DenverBachelor]

But now, I've got this image in my head of her in her bed having sex with another man, and it makes absolutely sick to my stomach.

 

It's only sex. She had sex plenty of times before you. Just imagine he has a one inch dick and she's faking every orgasm -- you'll get over it.

[SinCosTan]

It's only sex. She had sex plenty of times before you. Just imagine he has a one inch dick and she's faking every orgasm -- you'll get over it.

 

Actually, she lost her virginity to me.

[USMCHokie]

But now, I've got this image in my head of her in her bed having sex with another man, and it makes absolutely sick to my stomach.

 

This used to get to me too...but you know what, like Denver said, it's just sex...I've had sex since the breakup, and she probably has too...it's when she falls in love with another that gets me...but it is what it is...you'll get over it...

[MichiganMan222]

I was in a similar situation as you. I wanted out but didn't have the nerve. She loved me; I didn't love her. Together 2 years. I was never going to love her and I knew it. But I coasted along for the fun and good sex while she was dreaming about weddings. Well she could've take the unbalanced situation anymore and over the course of 5-6 months managed to detach herself from me with the help of some guy she latched on to that melted over her. I had to give her credit because it had to be a tough road for her. I was free....BUT...it still stung to get a glimpse of her talking about her new life (online through incidental exposure on Facebook via mutual friends). I know I never loved her and know she did me a favor, so why did it sting? Because I hated that she was able to move on and not be torn up over me. Selfish, childish as it was, it was nothing more than a blow to my ego rather than lingering romantic feelings. Maybe this is what you're feeling.

[SinCosTan]

I was REALLY tired when I made that post last night, and didn't feel like typing out my whole story behind out relationship, so I'm doing it now. Maybe it will help give more context to my situation. Maybe it'll just make me feel better. In any case, I've got a plan to help me move on, and I'll say it at the end.

 

This starts off in mid April of last year. First off, we work together. Its how we met. She was 17 at the time, I was 25 (Yeah, yeah, I know, statutory rape, etc., different subject) We hooked up at a party a friend was throwing. The first night, all we did was make out. But then a couple days later we hung out at one of her friends's place for awhile, and when I drove her home, we were making out in my car and she just stops and says "We need to ****." I didn't expect it at all. She was a virgin (I doubt she was lying, her friends had told me this after we made out the couple days prior) and told me that she wasn't going to be an easy lay. I ended up taking her back to my place and we did our thing.

 

She went wild. She wanted it constantly after that. I could barely keep up. Her parents went away for a weekend and I stayed over there and had sex five times in one night.

 

Near the end of May, about a month later, I was reconsidering though. She and I had nothing in common. I'm an independent World of Warcraft nerd, I don't drink or smoke, while she always wants to be with friends and smokes weed and cigarettes. But they say opposites attract, so I gave it a chance.

 

She turned 18 at the beginning of June, and in the first weekend, all of her friends and family and I went to a beach house for the weekend. It was this time, about a month and a half into our relationship, that we both had figured out that we had fallen in love. I felt absolutely smitten. I remember the first morning, she took a nap after breakfast. I came up and layed next to her. We didn't have sex, but I didn't care. All I wanted to do was lay next to her. Everyone else was downstairs just chatting or looking at the ocean, but I was happy to just be with her.

 

And so began the honeymoon phase (Or maybe that began within days after our first time having sex and this was the climax of it, depending on how you define it).

 

After that, we were inseparable. We both just wanted to always be with each other. We were both always so happy.

 

But then around the beginning of the new year, things started going south. The honeymoon phase ended, and it hit kind of hard. We both started being a bit distant. I didn't really want to hang out with her all the time anymore. I started desiring more time for myself. Meanwhile, she didn't want intimacy anymore. We still had sex, but it was less frequent. It became 2-4 times per week. She didn't like being close anymore though. The long make-out sessions and fooling around in her parent's hot tub ended. She often just didn't want to be touched unless we were about to have sex.

 

It slowly got worse. The sex went to once a week. I tried to ask her what was up. Why the loss of interest? If the sex in a relationship goes away, then there's something wrong. Boredom, stress from something outside of the relationship (ie, work), infidelity, something has to cause it. But I could never get a straight answer. At one point I made the leap and just asked if she'd cheated on me, and she was disgusted I'd ever think she'd ever cheat on me. Her exact words were "You don't know how much I love you."

 

Then on my 27th birthday in July, we had a minor argument about me being slow to get up and and out of bed. I felt that it was my birthday, we didn't have any specific plans to be anywhere for anything. We were just going to go swimming in her pool. But after we sorted it all out, and she apologized for being a bitch because it WAS MY day, she said "I'm not going to want to have sex today."

 

No sex on my ****ing BIRTHDAY!? I so badly wanted to just say "**** this then" and dump her right there. But for some reason, I stuck it out and kept with it.

 

After that, the sex was almost gone completely. I went almost an entire month without it. Again, I pushed to find out what was going on. Why the lack of interest? I told her I was feeling rejected. It was just the lack of sex, it was a lack of any closeness at all. She wouldn't even let me hug her or put an arm around her. If I tried to do ANYTHING, she would push me away and tell me I was smothering her. Whenever we DID have sex, she'd only want it for about a minute or so. She'd have her orgasm then tell me to get off. If I complained about wanting go longer she just say "Fine. Hurry up and finish." and give me about another 30 seconds before just rolling over and getting dressed again. Either she cared so little for sex that she just wanted to have her orgasm and be done with it, or she hated it so bad she'd just fake it after a minute just to stop.

 

Then, at the end of October, I decided that I needed to stop putting it off. I had been wanting to break up with her ever since the incident on my birthday. I was supposed to come over to hang out, but I called her up and just said that the relationship had been falling apart for the last couple months, and that we really are just too different for the relationship to work. She fought it at first, claiming that "compatibility isn't important" (Her exact words). I mentioned that my biggest concern is sex drive compatibility. I don't want to be in a relationship where I'm going to be sexually frustrated almost every single day. Yeah, I can masturbate, but its not a replacement. I told her that it wasn't just sex though, it was the lack of closeness and intimacy. I told her "You know what they call two people of opposite sex that just hang out and never kiss, hold hands, or lay with each other? 'Just Friends.'" That's when she finally said that she just didn't find me attractive anymore. I'll tell you what, that HURT. Sure, I'd gained a few pounds since we started dating, but so did she. She gained more weight than I had. But I still loved her. I still found her attactive. I still wanted to able to just lay next to her and watch her sleep like I did during the trip to the beach house.

 

About a week after we broke up, a previous friend with benefits that I had before I started dating came back into town. I thought that I had moved on because I felt relieved to have ended the relationship with my girlfriend, so we hooked up for some casual sex. Over the last 6 weeks since the breakup, I've had sex with this other girl about half a dozen times.

 

Then yesterday, at work, I overheard her talking to her best friend (Who also happens to work with us) about a guy taking her to a fancy restaurant. My heart sank. Blah blah blah, this part is explained in the original post. What I didn't mention though is that now I feel extremely guilty for having sex with the other girl. I thought I moved on, but I hadn't, and I feel like the biggest hypocrit in the world to be so upset that she would be sleeping with someone else while I'm doing the same thing.

 

I know I just need to forget her and move on, but there's just so many unanswered questions. What was the real reason the sex ended? Did she really find me that unattractive that she wouldn't even touch me or let me touch her? Was she cheating on me? Did she really love me as much as she said she did?

 

So...the plan. I'm pretty sure today was when she was supposed to have her date. Her best friend is pretty much on my side. She says I can do better and to just forget about her. What I'm going to have her do is very high school drama-ish, but I think it might help me. My ex doesn't know that I've already had sex with someone else, and she's going to be taking her friend to work tomorrow morning. I'm going to have her pretty much ask how the date went, and if it went well, she would say something along the lines of "Its good to see you moving on so well. Your ex-boyfriend has moved on too. He's been having sex with someone else."

 

If she doesn't care at all, then it means either she has indeed moved on far faster than I have, or she just didn't love me like she says she did. It would answer a lot of questions I had on the failing of the relationship. If she responds showing strong signs of jealousy, then it means she DID love me.

 

But don't get me wrong. I don't want her to love me so that we can get back together. I just need the ego boost right now. To me, nothing in the world feels greater than the feeling of knowing that somebody (Other than family) truly loves you. To know that she really did love me lets me know that I can be loved and would give me the confidence I need to move on and find somebody new.

 

Anyways...that's pretty much my story. Quite a novel. Feels good to just type it all out.

[Boundary Problem]

If she responds showing strong signs of jealousy, then it means she DID love me.

 

But don't get me wrong. I don't want her to love me so that we can get back together. I just need the ego boost right now.

 

 

Assumption: Jealousy = Love

 

Why don't you go find another girl and get your ego boost there. I think you have already tilled this soil and found it infertile. She made you feel like crap during the relationship, so why do you think she will make you feel good about yourself now that you are both dating other people?

[SinCosTan]

Yeah, you're right that jealousy doesn't necessarily mean she loved me, but wouldn't it at least mean she cared?

 

But later last night, I was talking to her best friend (Who also works with us) about the whole situation through texts. During the texting conversation, my ex happened to call her, and that's when she told her that I had been having sex with someone else. Apparently she kind of responded with a "...oh...really?" and then told her to lie for her and tell me that she'd already had sex with the other guy. Her friend told me that see seemed pretty jealous, and that more than likely, both me and my ex feel the same way. We both still have strong feelings with each other, but we know that the relationship won't work due to our vast differences.

 

The song "Lips of an Angel" by Hinder comes to mind. We're both seeing someone else, but neither of us have really moved on.

 

I also think of "Ever Fallin' In Love (With Someone You Shouldn't've" by the Buzzcocks.

 

Yeah, yeah, pretty cliche to use songs to describe a relationship.

 

In any case, I'm feeling a little better. To at least know that she's likely to be feeling the same way helps me out. Its still hard, but I know I'll move on eventually. I just need to get out more. I should work out and lose a few pounds to make myself more attractive and clean up my ****hole of an apartment so I wouldn't be embarrassed to bring someone here.

 

Now, would you guys recommend that I go ahead and start seeing my friend with benefits again? Even if I'm still uneasy about my ex seeing new people? The thing is, I never see her except for sex, and I rarely even talk to her except to arrange a time for sex. I have no interest in forming a long term relationship with her (And she knows this), and honestly, I feel guilty sometimes for just using her as backup sex for when I'm not in a relationship, but I've talked to her about it several times and she says she has no problem with it.

[You'reasian]

Yeah, you're right that jealousy doesn't necessarily mean she loved me, but wouldn't it at least mean she cared?

 

But later last night, I was talking to her best friend (Who also works with us) about the whole situation through texts. During the texting conversation, my ex happened to call her, and that's when she told her that I had been having sex with someone else. Apparently she kind of responded with a "...oh...really?" and then told her to lie for her and tell me that she'd already had sex with the other guy. Her friend told me that see seemed pretty jealous, and that more than likely, both me and my ex feel the same way. We both still have strong feelings with each other, but we know that the relationship won't work due to our vast differences.

 

The song "Lips of an Angel" by Hinder comes to mind. We're both seeing someone else, but neither of us have really moved on.

 

I also think of "Ever Fallin' In Love (With Someone You Shouldn't've" by the Buzzcocks.

 

Yeah, yeah, pretty cliche to use songs to describe a relationship.

 

In any case, I'm feeling a little better. To at least know that she's likely to be feeling the same way helps me out. Its still hard, but I know I'll move on eventually. I just need to get out more. I should work out and lose a few pounds to make myself more attractive and clean up my ****hole of an apartment so I wouldn't be embarrassed to bring someone here.

 

Now, would you guys recommend that I go ahead and start seeing my friend with benefits again? Even if I'm still uneasy about my ex seeing new people? The thing is, I never see her except for sex, and I rarely even talk to her except to arrange a time for sex. I have no interest in forming a long term relationship with her (And she knows this), and honestly, I feel guilty sometimes for just using her as backup sex for when I'm not in a relationship, but I've talked to her about it several times and she says she has no problem with it.

 

Don't think about her. Think about you.

 

Think about the kind of love you are cultivating and ready to give to some special woman, whose just out there waiting for you.

[SinCosTan]

While on the way to work, she texted me and asked if we could talk. I said we definitely needed to, and that I'd call her after work.

 

The conversation didn't go as I had hoped. I was hoping she at least felt the same way I do, that we both wanted to get back together, but we'd mutually decide that it wouldn't work. She didn't completely agree. She agreed that if we got back together it would probably fail again, but just kept emphasizing that she's with someone else. I told her that I know I made mistakes, but so did she.

 

I know I know. I need to move on, forget her, find someone else, etc. But right now the pain is just unbearable. I try to do things to take my mind off of her, but it just seems to make it worse. I go for a walk, and all I can think of is her. I try to play some games, and she's just stuck in my head.

 

Knowing what I need to do and doing it are completely different things. In time, I know I'll move on, but for now, I'm just struggling.

[SinCosTan]

More and more though I'm thinking I shouldn't be having sex with my **** buddy any more. I want a long term relationship, but not from her, for various reasons. I've been using her as just a backup source of sex when I'm not in a relationship, and I feel guilty about it. I've discussed this with her on more than one occasion, but she says she's OK with it. I can't help but feel like she's just saying that because she's desperate. She's my age (27) and lives with her parents, doesn't go to college, doesn't work, doesn't have a driver's license, and her only real friend lives on the other side of town so they don't hang out much. I think she really wants a relationship with me, but knows I'm not interested but will take what she can get.

[Toki]

First, you made one of the biggest mistakes in the books. NEVER GET INTO A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP WITH A TEENAGER!!!!

 

contemptuous, haughty, irritable, envious, sneaky, selfish, lazy, flighty, timid, liars and hypocrites, quick to laugh and cry, extreme in expressing joy and sorrow, especially about trifles, they'll do anything to avoid pain but they enjoy inflicting it.

 

If you wanted a real relationship, let them get through at least a few years of college or real life (meaning they have a job, and no longer live with parents).

 

Second, so what? You saw a problem and you fixed it. You've probably obsessed about the could've beens, and then when you heard that she was dating, you got jealous because you still feel in a way responsible for her because you essentially taught her most of the things she knows. It happens, but it does no good to dwell. If you're not talking, you've made the best bet for getting on with it.

[SinCosTan]

So later on that night (The night I made my last post), she sent me a text asking how I was doing. I told her that I felt terrible, and that I had hoped talking to her would make me feel better, but it only made it worse. She told me that she wasn't doing too well and that she hated seeing me feel so bad. I told her that I know that she's with someone else now and that I just need to move on, and not end up being the clingy ex-boyfriend, but that I felt that I'd never loved anyone as much as her, and I know that I just messed it all up. I then asked if she felt the same way I did, in that I want to get back together to give things another try, but are afraid of it failing again. She said she wasn't sure and was feeling confused. I said that I wasn't sure either. I didn't know if I really did want her back or if I was just simply being crushed by jealousy.

 

She called me later that night and asked if she could come over, just for one final time. She admitted that she did feel the same way I did, hurt with jealousy that the other person was having relations with someone else. She even admitted that she hadn't had sex with the new guy yet. All they did was make out, and that he was a bad kisser and wasn't really interested in him. She went on a date to a fancy restaurant with him to give him a chance, but all he did was ask about me and talk about his own ex-girlfriend.

 

We ended up deciding to get back together, to give us another chance. We stayed up until 4 AM talking, figuring out what ACTUALLY went wrong the first time. I didn't give her the time she deserved. I didn't think of the fact that when I told her "I'd rather play WoW than watch TV" I was really saying "I'd rather play WoW than hang out with you." Her sex drive went through the floor because she gained weight, and while I kind of knew this, I handled it poorly. Rather than being supportive of her losing the weight, all I did was tell her that I still loved her and still found her attractive without giving much consideration to her own thoughts. She just didn't feel sexy.

 

We're both very happy now. Of course, we may just be in a new honeymoon stage, and it may all turn south again, but doesn't it at least deserve a second chance?

[Thebob]

You dumped her, so she moved on. So some guy is ramming the **** out of her now and a lot of people have to go through this. I had to deal with this, and it's some of the worst thoughts knowing that she is groaning, seepin wetness all over his d*ck while enjoying it. Looking in to his eyes as if he is the only guy she will ever F*ck, it sucks. Stay strong my friend, hopefully this wasn't to graphic.

 

Thebob