The longer you wait, the hard it gets.

[LonelyGuy85]

Ok, so this is the first time i have ever admitted this to anyone, but i am in my mid-twenties and still a virgin.

 

Growing up i had some family issues that resulted in me having no self esteem, and as i got older it started to manifest itself in all areas of my life, but the two areas where i have struggled the most have been from making friends and trying to meet someone. When i was in my late teens i thought life was going to change and when i went to uni i wanted to change myself and come out of my shell, but i didn't do a thing, i was still the same reserved person i have always been. Life just carried on as normal but in a different city.

 

There have been a few opportunities where i could have done it, but through one reason or another it's just never happened. Then when i was around 20 i was tired of trying to make friends or of finding someone, so i stopped trying. A few months ago though, i was thinking about how dissapointing my life is, and i actually had an anxiety attack, but from this experience i have suddenly found a second wind, and i have been furiously trying to find someone, or at least make some friends.

 

The problem is that i have built up these experiences to a point in my head where i panic at the thought of putting myself out there. I know that based on past experiences i will shortly resort back to my reserved self again, unless i do something about it.

 

No one know that i am still a virgin though. Whenever i am in a situation where the topic is raised i either slip out of the room to avoid the conversation or i make up some bs story. I am tired of feeling so inadequate all the time.

 

The biggest issue i have though is that i have missed out on all those experiences that other people have had growing up. The result is my complete lack of experience in attracting someone, such as flirting etc. I just don't know how to do it, and worse still, in my head all the things i read about the subject sound so forced when i say it, which i am sure women can pick up on.

 

I just need some advise. Should i embrace my virginity and admit it to people? Or should i carry on as normal and try and gain these experiences without admitting it? There is a girl i work with, who is 2 years older than me, but i really like her and we get on really well. In the last 2 months i have almost asked her out twice, but i just don't know where to start or how.

 

Can anyone help?

[ladyblondie]

You shouldn't be ashamed that your a virgin. Being 28, I wish I was a virgin. Let things happen, and if sex is ment to be then great, but if not, just keep doing your thing. I used to be shy, and still am to a certain extent. But getting out amongst people, and enjoying life alittle bit is what I used to do, and wanna get to that again. I find myself not having true friends, but if you can just make friends with one person who likes to do the things your into then that is better then nothing. I personaly try not to let life past me by, so getting out is what I have done in the past both by myself and with friends. And that way you experience things you like and might like to do. Don't let life pass you by, and even if you don't have friends yet, get out and enjoy life, experience new things. And when your in a situation with a woman or whoever and they ask you, don't feel ashamed your a virgin. Its honestly something that I admire, and many woman would respect and admire you for it. Just take things slow in when it comes to that, but focus on yourself and enjoying you life.

[Yukikazi]

Read: The Game by Neil Strauss

[Yukikazi]

You shouldn't be ashamed that your a virgin. Being 28, I wish I was a virgin. Let things happen, and if sex is ment to be then great, but if not, just keep doing your thing. I used to be shy, and still am to a certain extent. But getting out amongst people, and enjoying life alittle bit is what I used to do, and wanna get to that again. I find myself not having true friends, but if you can just make friends with one person who likes to do the things your into then that is better then nothing. I personaly try not to let life past me by, so getting out is what I have done in the past both by myself and with friends. And that way you experience things you like and might like to do. Don't let life pass you by, and even if you don't have friends yet, get out and enjoy life, experience new things. And when your in a situation with a woman or whoever and they ask you, don't feel ashamed your a virgin. Its honestly something that I admire, and many woman would respect and admire you for it. Just take things slow in when it comes to that, but focus on yourself and enjoying you life.

 

So you are generically telling him to continue the status quo and be himself?

[Ross PK]

There's really no reason for you to tell people you're still a virgin. It's natural to feel embarrassed about admitting it at the age you are.

 

I think the fact that you're actually admitting that you're a virgin to people, would make you look more daft than the fact that you actually are one. As no normal person in their mid 20's or over would just admit to people that they're a virgin.

 

(Message boards are different)

Edited December 4, 2009 by Ross PK

[LonelyGuy85]

Ladyblondie, i wish everyone was as open as you are. About 2 years back i came really close to telling one of my friends that i was still a virgin, but a discussion broke out in a group and out of the 4 girls there, all 4 said that they would never go out with a virgin. Since then i have had no notion of telling anyone that i am still a virgin, as it really shook my confidence. Maybe someone would appreciate me for that, but i think that most people i know would ostracise me and not embrace it.

 

I understand that not everyone feels like that, but for me the accumulation of all the scenarios in my head over the years has left me jaded about the possibility of finding someone, and me mentioning i am still a virgin will only do harm, in my head at least. So much so that even the thought of being with someone seems ludicrous.

 

I was watching the movie 40 year old virgin the other day and i was thinking how accurate the movie was in expressing my emotions about still being a virgin, don't get me wrong, i am still a long way off 40, but the social tension and anxiety was spot on.

 

I am at a point now where i really don't want life to pass me by. I have started doing thing i enjoy outside work, on my own, but despite this i am still constantly lonely. I just want someone who i can care about and who genuinely cares about me. I don't want to be on my own all the time.

 

I also can't sleep because of it. I do get about 4 hours sleep, but i am the kind of person i needs a solid 8 hours of sack time. Plus, i constantly dream about his girl in work whom i have grown to really like, then i wake up on my own and the dread and depression sets back in, resulting in my getting up at 6 in the morning, when i only went to sleep at 2.

[Ross PK]

I really wish I could help. I know how it feels.

[LonelyGuy85]

Ross PK, I know how embarrasing it is to admit, but at the same time it's eating me from the inside. I don't think i would ever admit it to someone i know.

 

The simple truth is that people aren't as understanding as in movies and definitely wouldn't embrace it. I have enough problems at the moment just trying to get some decent friends let alone throwing that elephant into the room.

Edited December 4, 2009 by LonelyGuy85

[rateyes]

wow, your lfie story sounds exactly like mine...like period for period. I to am in a situation where i really like this girl, but just cant bring myself to ask her out, because i feel she wont accept me for my introverted feelings. Liek another post said, i/we(?) tend to be introverted and show dif feelings extroverted. And since we are in a cycle of doing this its hard to do otherwise.For some reason i feel not knowing is better than the posibilty of being rejected. I know how you feel, your reserved personality due to family issues isnt something you can just shake(i still have bad family issues that still ruin me mentally as i stay at home for college). Its either bite the bullet or wait til something natural happens.

[dazzle22]

Some people suffer from a condition called "social anxiety" and it is a very real condition, and often the tendency is inherited. Therapy can help, and there are meds that can help get rid of that feeling people get that makes them clam up and want to leave a social scene. But I don't know if you are open to meds. or if that totally applies to you..

 

At any rate, do not admit you are a virgin. Not because it is anything to be ashamed of though. This is a very private thing, and unfortunately, in today's culture nothing is private or too much for general conversation these days. It is like grace, class, sensitivity is extinct. My God, just look at reality TV. Trailer trash goes mainstream. I wish my husband had been more like you! 50 partners before me, and let me tell you, that is a hard thing to overlook. Girls can be funny (I am female). They sense fear or hesitation, and they can bite you like a dog for it. It is like it is programmed in our primitive brains that men should be fearless and mysterious. I guess it is the whole mate selection- can he take care of me- thing.

 

No one can tell that you are a virgin really in a social setting. I have known guys who look shy and geeky, but have quite a repertoire in the sack.

Try to turn your shyness into "mystery". Social confidence is really all about "fake it till you feel it". I was quite a retiring shy person in high school, but you would never guess it now...

[knaveman]

I wouldn't go and tell a bunch of people about the virginity thing. It's a private matter.

 

I would go out and try to meet people. Don't go looking to find "someone" just go have fun. Go to bars alone, have a few beers, and be talkative. Sometimes you will meet people and sometimes you won't. Get out there and socialize and have fun. If it takes a few drinks to loosen up that's not a bad thing. Don't be afraid to make mistakes, look like a fool, or regret something the next day. That's all part of being human.

 

Relax, have fun, and be yourself.

[betrayed2]

I would not go to bars alone, you've been a virgin this long you dont want to just sleep with a bar fly. i think some women want a man who knows what their doing in the bedroom so try to find someone who may also be a virgin and is waiting for marriage she would appreciate your celibacy far more than any bar fly. good luck

[knaveman]

I would not go to bars alone, you've been a virgin this long you dont want to just sleep with a bar fly. i think some women want a man who knows what their doing in the bedroom so try to find someone who may also be a virgin and is waiting for marriage she would appreciate your celibacy far more than any bar fly. good luck

 

I didn't say go to the bar to get laid, I said go to the bar to socialize. Big difference. Have fun, be social, make friends, and the getting laid thing will happen in time.

[Awesome Username]

I wouldn't broadcast it to the world simply because it's nobody's business, but I certainly wouldn't hide the fact from a girl. I would WAY more likely drop a guy who has had a "history" than one with a blank slate. Maybe this is a just me personally thing, but I think it's charming; I certainly wouldn't hide it from a girl.

[Pizzaman81]

I wouldn't broadcast it to the world simply because it's nobody's business, but I certainly wouldn't hide the fact from a girl. I would WAY more likely drop a guy who has had a "history" than one with a blank slate. Maybe this is a just me personally thing, but I think it's charming; I certainly wouldn't hide it from a girl.

 

Ya virgin smirgin... I find society the minds of society these days completely skewed into wacko land.

 

Now mind you I came from an Asian background, but I can never understand issues people make fun of you when you're in college carries over into your everyday grown ass adult world...

 

Like... being a virgin or living with your folks. Life as way too many issues to resolve than fearing that you are still a virgin. Trust me it's not the biggest issue and it's the media and fake people out there that make fun of people for being one.

 

How about a person who pays bills, is successful, has a great heart, can do the laundry and make instant noodles! I think those are so much more important than worrying about "oh god i'm still a virgin!"

[FleshNBones]

Ya virgin smirgin... I find society the minds of society these days completely skewed into wacko land.

 

Now mind you I came from an Asian background, but I can never understand issues people make fun of you when you're in college carries over into your everyday grown ass adult world...

 

Like... being a virgin or living with your folks. Life as way too many issues to resolve than fearing that you are still a virgin. Trust me it's not the biggest issue and it's the media and fake people out there that make fun of people for being one.

 

How about a person who pays bills, is successful, has a great heart, can do the laundry and make instant noodles! I think those are so much more important than worrying about "oh god i'm still a virgin!"

I agree.

It really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. Some people who make an issue of it completely lack perspective. Some people are such underachievers that sex is their one and only accomplishment.

[LonelyGuy85]

Wow, thanks for the responses. It's definitely an area that i find easier to get advise on than putting that advise into action. In a way, i know what i need to do, but i simply lack the necessary skills to do it. Personal preference is also an area where i start panicing; Awesome username, i am glad to hear that some people wouldn't start running for the hills if i told them, but at the same time it's very hard to judge how a person is going to respond, so i tend to avoid the issue.

 

Oh, pizzaman81, the funny is i honestly think i would be a good boyfriend (Although I am pretty sure that every guy thinks he is a good boyfriend). I can cook, i exercise regularly, am friendly and would go miles out of my way to help someone, and i am a good listener, plus i can even have some mad ironing/laundry skills . Although, again, this is me, a guy hiding behind the anonymity of the internet, so my view of myself could be distorted.

 

It's just i have never been able overcome that first wall to show people that i am a decent guy. Maybe i should start being an arsehole; they allows seem to get the girl

[Pizzaman81]

...Oh, pizzaman81, the funny is i honestly think i would be a good boyfriend (Although I am pretty sure that every guy thinks he is a good boyfriend). I can cook, i exercise regularly, am friendly and would go miles out of my way to help someone, and i am a good listener, plus i can even have some mad ironing/laundry skills . Although, again, this is me, a guy hiding behind the anonymity of the internet, so my view of myself could be distorted.

 

Ya man, you got what really matters down. Don't get bogged down by all those superficial crap. There's only a subset of people who would look down on you for those things, and those are the people you must avoid if you want a meaningful life partner.

 

It's just i have never been able overcome that first wall to show people that i am a decent guy. Maybe i should start being an arsehole; they allows seem to get the girl

 

Ya don't be an arsehole, it doesn't work. Once you get a truly amazing girl by being the way you are, you will realize that by being an arsehole, you will never get anyone of that quality.

[LonelyGuy85]

lol. I was only joking about being an arsehole. The truth is that i couldn't be even if i wanted to. It just isn't in my nature. I think the best thing for me is to stay the course and every time i see an opportunity to develop myself then i should take it.

[dazzle22]

I wonder if you may be falling into a depression. Very poor sleep, and waking up with a feeling of depression falling on you. When this occurs, things seem like mountains and insurmountable?

 

I agree with the other poster that this world is horribly skewed right now. People should be ashamed of being whores, instead they wear it like a badge of honor, and make other people feel bad about themselves. I would not give a second thought to women who talk like that. They are tramps.

[LonelyGuy85]

Dazzle, i often wonder if i could be falling into depression. Like you said, i don't sleep a lot, i take very little enjoyment out of eating and only really eat when i need to, plus i don't like doing things i used to enjoy. The only good consistent thing is that i still dream almost every night, which is something good at least. However most of my dreams are about poor areas in my life but are exaggerated, which then results in me feeling really anxious as soon as i wake up, and that usually lasts until i go to sleep.

 

At the moment i do feel like i am meant to do more with my life, although i suspect a lot of people feel inadequate. It's just that any normal goals that people have seem like impossible feats for me; getting a girlfriend/friends or getting a job where i can use my degree. It just seems like they are unobtainable goals.

 

I have been tempted to go see a doctor about it, but i always redraw from booked an appointment at the last minute. I am usually the type of person who will only go to see a doctor in extreme circumstances. Plus, I do not know a lot about the medical field and am unsure whether local GP are able to help me. I think i really need to speak to a therapist or a counsellor, but I simply don't have the means to afford it.

[bbf]

Wow, thanks for the responses. It's definitely an area that i find easier to get advise on than putting that advise into action. In a way, i know what i need to do, but i simply lack the necessary skills to do it. Personal preference is also an area where i start panicing; Awesome username, i am glad to hear that some people wouldn't start running for the hills if i told them, but at the same time it's very hard to judge how a person is going to respond, so i tend to avoid the issue.

 

Oh, pizzaman81, the funny is i honestly think i would be a good boyfriend (Although I am pretty sure that every guy thinks he is a good boyfriend). I can cook, i exercise regularly, am friendly and would go miles out of my way to help someone, and i am a good listener, plus i can even have some mad ironing/laundry skills . Although, again, this is me, a guy hiding behind the anonymity of the internet, so my view of myself could be distorted.

 

It's just i have never been able overcome that first wall to show people that i am a decent guy. Maybe i should start being an arsehole; they allows seem to get the girl

 

You don't have to be an "arsehole" but you might want to reconsider your priorities if that's what you think a good boyfriend is. Girls don't want a guy that's going to be a maid or one of the girls. Try being fun, funny, confident, cool, popular, ambitious, exciting, romantic, passionate, whatever. "I can cook, do laundry, and exercise regularly"? I don't think even girls think that's what they want.

Edited December 6, 2009 by bbf

[dazzle22]

Well, here is some free medical advice then. I have been a doctor for 18 years so I think I have about seen everything. You do sound like you are sinking into a depression. You should see a primary care doctor, a good family practice doctor or internist and see if you can try an antidepressant called Wellbutrin. It increases energy and does not inhibit libido, infact improves it. When you are depressed, everything seems insurmountable, but if you get on the correct antidepressant, you come out of it and you will think, why did I see that as such a huge mountain, looks more like a mole hill. Wellbutrin may not be the right one for you, but from my many years of experience that is the one I would recommend.

 

BTW, it is very important to treat depression and not let it become prolonged. We know now from PET and MRI scans that the brain downregulated neurotransmitters which cause permanent shrinking in the hypocampus and other areas, and once these have "died back" you will never get back to your baseline mood, so time is of some essence.

[bluestraps]

I was 27. I had fooled around but never went all the way. Then I met my girlfriend of 10 years, she recently broke up with me. I realize now that when we first started having sex, I didnt love her, not yet. I fell in lov with her and realized that sex doesnt mean much unless you find someone you have deep feelings for. So dontr worry so much, First find someone you want to persue a future with .

[bluestraps]

I wonder if you may be falling into a depression. Very poor sleep, and waking up with a feeling of depression falling on you. When this occurs, things seem like mountains and insurmountable?

 

Is sleeeping for a long time anger and mood swings also a sign of Depression