The longer you wait, the hard it gets.

[dgiirl]

Oh, pizzaman81, the funny is i honestly think i would be a good boyfriend (Although I am pretty sure that every guy thinks he is a good boyfriend). I can cook, i exercise regularly, am friendly and would go miles out of my way to help someone, and i am a good listener, plus i can even have some mad ironing/laundry skills . Although, again, this is me, a guy hiding behind the anonymity of the internet, so my view of myself could be distorted.

 

It's just i have never been able overcome that first wall to show people that i am a decent guy. Maybe i should start being an arsehole; they allows seem to get the girl

 

Sound's like you have all the qualities that are a real turn on for most women!

 

I have three girl friends who are married or in long term relationships with men who have no prior girl friends. All of them met in their 30's. Even my boyfriend didn't start dating until he was 30. I did not know him then, but 10 years later, he is a fantastic attentive lover!

 

There is nothing wrong with being a virgin. I don't think you have to broadcast it to the world if you are not comfortable with that. It truly is a personal matter, and not everyone in your life needs to know. However, when the time comes, and you do find a girl you want to become intimate with and you are about to take it to the next level, I think you should tell her. First, you both need to know about each others sexual history. Second, if she runs for the hills after you telling her that, then she truly isn't the type of girl you should be sleeping with. You've waited this long, you might as well give your virginity to a loving caring person instead of some superficial selfish chick. Third, and I don't want to scare you, but I don't think anyone's first time is ever the best mind-blowing experience. So she's either going to know anyway, or like most women, she's going to take it really personal and think it's something to do with her. We women tend to internalize everything and blame ourselves much more often than anyone else. So be honest with the one person you want to lose your virginity too. Other than that, noone else needs to know.

[Yukikazi]

First, you both need to know about each others sexual history.

Not hardly

 

Second, if she runs for the hills after you telling her that, then she truly isn't the type of girl you should be sleeping with. You've waited this long, you might as well give your virginity to a loving caring person instead of some superficial selfish chick.

You are assuming his "waiting" is by choice. Sometimes it better to just get it done and move on and get that 800lbs gorilla out of the room.

 

Third, and I don't want to scare you, but I don't think anyone's first time is ever the best mind-blowing experience. So she's either going to know anyway, or like most women, she's going to take it really personal and think it's something to do with her.

This I will agree with.. its gonna suck either way.. all those years of pent up frustration.. expect it to happen quickly... at least the first time..

[LonelyGuy85]

Dazzle22, thank you for your response. That was a nice surprise to find out you're actually a doctor. The fact that you recommend that i should see a doctor is much appreciated, although i am not a fan of taking drugs to control myself i am at least willing to give it a try to see if it helps. Although you mention that it's side affects include increased energy levels and increase libido. Increased energy is good, although i feel that i have way too much at the moment as i have to do a lot of exercise everyday just to tire me out enough to sleep and an increased libido is wasted on me, the same way a wining lottery ticket is to someone trapped- on a desert island. Thanks for the advise, i will take it to heart.

 

Bluestraps, if i am honest, it's not sex that is worrying me, it's the lack of someone i can care about. I am in mid twenties and i have never loved anyone in my life. That's really what i want, i want to finish a day at work and know that afterwards at least i have someone who cares about me and i care about. I suppose i am just tired of being lonely all the time.

 

dgiirl, the truth is that it is my choice, but not as well. I have had plenty of opportunities where i think i could have done it, but i just lack the self esteem to do it, plus i went through a phase where i just stopped trying (I say a phase, it was more than a few years). It's at the point now where i do want to give it to someone i care about, but thats never going to happen because i just can't seem to build those kind of relationships with anyone. Also i am pretty sure that the girl is going to know it's my first time anyway, and i like to think that if i ever got that far with a girl i would tell her to see if she would "run for the hills" but the idea of being close to someone and then them doing really makes me anxious.

[Scottdmw]

LG, there are some good points to being a virgin. A lot of people go out there and have sexual relationships that eventually break up, and those people end up really, really hurt. It can send a person who was normal into depression for a couple years. Other people take it better perhaps, but it's definitely a risk. In that sense you are a clean slate, and would therefore have something extra to offer the right woman.

 

Read the “Breaking Up” section of this page for a while, and see how messed up people can be even months or years after a sexual relationship ends. Maybe it will help you feel better about your own situation.

 

Also, as much as you can focus on what you can do today to improve your own life or somebody else's life in whatever small way possible. Keep your mind focused on that kind of thing. Make what efforts you can on a daily basis to do things that seem useful to you. Do things that take a moderate effort--not so much you are exhausted but enough that you feel you've done something. This is a way to generate positive energy in your life. Keep it up and I think you will gradually feel better, whether you find a girlfriend or not. That has certainly been my experience. And, if you do this and get enough good things going on in your life, you may be surprised at how women are gradually more interested in you also.

 

Scott

[LonelyGuy85]

Thanks Scottdmw, Although i understand what your saying about having a blank slate and none of the emotional break up baggage, but the truth is i would rather feel years of pain than are barely feeling anything at all beyond anxious and borderline depressed.

 

Relationships are one of those areas that really annoy me as someone who has never had one. I understand that people can have arguments and relationships can be rocky, but at the end of the day that person must mean something to the other one for them to be that upset, and when people in work moan about their girlfriends and boyfriends it makes me annoyed that they don't appreciate it, especially when i go home alone and just wish i had someone to talk to, someone i could care about. It's also a lot easier to explain to someone that you're upset about a relationship than it is to explain about crippling loneliness. The stigmata have my situation is that it means me feel like an outside looking at other peoples live. So much so that i hate my job but it's far better than the loneliness i feel when i go home.

 

I have, however, started looking at occupying my time with other times and have even started doing one or two things. It's just that, well, you know..

[dgiirl]

First, you both need to know about each others sexual history

Not hardly

 

Well it should be! It's an absolute deal breaker for me. I want to know my partner's history and if there is anything I should be worried about. If my partner is unwilling to share that piece of information, it's a huge red flag.

 

dgiirl, the truth is that it is my choice, but not as well. I have had plenty of opportunities where i think i could have done it, but i just lack the self esteem to do it, plus i went through a phase where i just stopped trying (I say a phase, it was more than a few years). It's at the point now where i do want to give it to someone i care about, but thats never going to happen because i just can't seem to build those kind of relationships with anyone. Also i am pretty sure that the girl is going to know it's my first time anyway, and i like to think that if i ever got that far with a girl i would tell her to see if she would "run for the hills" but the idea of being close to someone and then them doing really makes me anxious.

 

Once you build that relationship up with someone, chances are very high they wont do that to you. If you go for a one night stand or a fling, she might. But if you actually build up a friendship and progress it into a relationship, she'll already like you. Once someone likes you for who you are, this is not going to be a serious issue.

 

It sounds like you have had a relationship experience in the past if you've had the opportunity to progress it into a sexual one. So it doesn't sound like your a complete social outcast. I just think you need to open yourself up to new experiences, doing new hobbies or activities, basically creating opportunities in your life to meet new people. It's a numbers game. The more people you meet, become friends with, the more opportunity you'll have to make bonds, and eventually a relationship. I knew my boyfriend for an entire year before we started dating. I met him through a photography group, had NO clue he liked me, despite us both being single for the entire year. But an opportunity arose where we both got to spend time together alone, and one thing led to another, and voila.

 

 

I have, however, started looking at occupying my time with other times and have even started doing one or two things. It's just that, well, you know..

 

This is exactly what you need to do! But don't go in purely with the intentions of meeting women. Let that be an additional "bonus". Make sure you have a genuine interest in the activity! Having a genuine interest will encourage you to keep at it irregardless of dating prospects, and if/when you do meet someone, you both will have an interest in common.

[Scottdmw]

Thanks Scottdmw, Although i understand what your saying about having a blank slate and none of the emotional break up baggage, but the truth is i would rather feel years of pain than are barely feeling anything at all beyond anxious and borderline depressed. ..

 

I understand how you feel. You would rather have the experience with the good and the bad than not know what it's like at all.

 

Relationships are one of those areas that really annoy me as someone who has never had one. I understand that people can have arguments and relationships can be rocky, but at the end of the day that person must mean something to the other one for them to be that upset, and when people in work moan about their girlfriends and boyfriends it makes me annoyed that they don't appreciate it, especially when i go home alone and just wish i had someone to talk to, someone i could care about. It's also a lot easier to explain to someone that you're upset about a relationship than it is to explain about crippling loneliness. The stigmata have my situation is that it means me feel like an outside looking at other peoples live. So much so that i hate my job but it's far better than the loneliness i feel when i go home. ..

 

It can be lonely going home to an empty house. I live alone and I feel that way too sometimes.

 

What I try to do is make sure that every single night of the week I have a social option if I feel like it-- I have some group event or meeting that I can go to where I will be around people. I kept signing up for emails lists until my inbox is flooded with invitations. After I did that long enough, I ended up with a large circle of friends. A good place to start is the website meetup.com. It has thousands of different organizations by geographical area, even including some for people specifically with social anxiety disorder (though maybe not in your area). Possibly you could find something there to help with the loneliness at least.

 

I have, however, started looking at occupying my time with other times and have even started doing one or two things. It's just that, well, you know..

 

That's great! Build on it a little bit at a time. With things like this, I tell myself that it is like a long journey on foot. It seems like an amazingly long way, but I feel like if I would just start out on the journey and keep putting one foot in front of the other I'm guaranteed to get to the destination eventually. This doesn't necessarily work for romantic relationships but it absolutely works for having a social circle and friends in general.

 

Best wishes,

 

Scott

[Nightsky]

I was an awkward shy guy for most of my life and I blamed it on my childhood. I never had a gf or even kissed a girl in high school or college.

 

After I graduated from college and was in my twenties and had never even had the courage to kiss a girl I felt defeated. Like every one else in the world had an easy time connecting and I was an alien in my twenties.

 

I had a surge of confidence one day at just the right time and asked a very pretty girl out on a date. While on this date after we had finished eating I suggested we go out to a night club.

 

I did something very out of character for myself and drank alcohol while at the night club and ended up kissing the girl. I really enjoyed the kiss and the next time we went out I drank again and ended up inviting her home with me and we spent the night together. I never told her I was a virgin, I’m ashamed to admit it but I even denied it when she asked.

 

Well things didn’t work out with her and I was devastated. I cried in front of people and felt like a baby.

 

But surprisingly I picked myself back up and have dated numerous women since that first girlfriend. I think once you have one girlfriend the next one comes easier. I am happy to say that I currently have a gf who I’m in love with and life is great in that respect and it doesn’t really matter to me anymore that I was to shy to be romantic for so long. I actually used to have mini panic attacks just watching romantic tension on tv and now here I am in love with a beautiful woman who I get to share my bed with every night.

 

Don’t give up, you’re the same person now that you will be if you find love. It is less lonely but the trick is to be confident and that can be accomplished by enjoying your encounters with women instead of dreading it.

[Peaceful Guy]

..I can never understand issues people make fun of you when you're in college carries over into your everyday grown ass adult world...

 

thank you, pizzaman!

[Peaceful Guy]

Ok, so this is the first time i have ever admitted this to anyone, but i am in my mid-twenties and still a virgin.

 

hey bud, the woman you find that's for you will be at least as supportive as the people here.. i suppose the fear though is that you'll first be with someone that isn't so great.. that isn't sensitive and isn't okay with it. i don't know what else to say other than that's their deficiency.. im sorry man, i struggle with the same thing in a way.. i think it was brave of you to say what was on your mind here.. even though its anonymous or whatever.. ive been trying to work up the courage to say some stuff, but im not ready.. oh well.. just remember, good is good is good is good.. like, by definition, good people will be understanding of your situation.. people that aren't, well they've still got alot to learn.. i guess that sometimes the journey we take to find the people we love and care about can be filled with hurt feelings and disappointment.. but you can't give up, someone out there is counting on you to show. hope this helps.. *eyes well up*

[LonelyGuy85]

My biggest concern is being on my own forever. The idea of being elderly and looking back on my life, always on my own, and thinking how little i have accomplished and all the things i have missed on. I just want to share my love with someone. Sex isn't what cripples me, it's the loneliness, just watching a movie with someone i love, or going for a walk. It's just being with someone that i care for that i desire.

[Yukikazi]

My biggest concern is being on my own forever. The idea of being elderly and looking back on my life, always on my own, and thinking how little i have accomplished and all the things i have missed on. I just want to share my love with someone. Sex isn't what cripples me, it's the loneliness, just watching a movie with someone i love, or going for a walk. It's just being with someone that i care for that i desire.

Then stop crying on a forum board and get out there and start talking to women. Don't be a wuss.. thats why you are having problems.

 

If you don't want to die alone.. then get your ass moving and go meet people.

[LonelyGuy85]

If it was that simple for me then don't you think that's exactly what i would be doing?

[Nightsky]

If it was that simple for me then don't you think that's exactly what i would be doing?

 

We make our own prisons in this life and it is the obstacles placed by ourselves that are hardest to overcome. What you want is very easy if you choose to make it easy.

[LonelyGuy85]

I know exactly what you're saying. My problem is that i lack self esteem, but getting self esteem isn't as simple as flicking a switch and waking up with it. I know that i have built 'this prison' for myself. I am not quite capable enough to break free of it though. I need some assistance, but i also lack that.

[dazzle22]

Do you have any guy friends, perhaps a bit older, who could mentor you in how to act to be attractive to women? Or even a woman friend who is platonic? When I was young I was very shy too. Then in my career I came across several people whose personalities I really liked and I studied them carefully, and gradually started "practicing" things I admired in them.

 

I still do that. I am a doctor, and we all learn to be doctors through mentoring and observing other doctors with patients. Throughout my life, whenever I have a friend, I ask myself what I really really like about them, and try to incorporate some of the great things about their personalities into my own life. For example, I had a colleague who was so good at dispelling tension with humor - now I do that. I had some friends who were very big on donating to charities - now I do that. I have some friends who are very cool under pressure - I try to do that. You see what I mean. You need someone to help pull you out of the doldrums because you are having a hard time digging yourself out of this hole.

[dazzle22]

I wonder if you may be falling into a depression. Very poor sleep, and waking up with a feeling of depression falling on you. When this occurs, things seem like mountains and insurmountable?

 

Is sleeeping for a long time anger and mood swings also a sign of Depression

 

 

Just noticed your post. YES, very much so, totally part and parcel of a depression..

[eric1234]

man, i know how you feel. i'm in exactly the same boat. your story is EXACTLY the same as mine, but instead of a 2 year older girl, a 3 year older girl! haha. im past the point of caring. it just is.

[robaday]

Hey,

 

first off I'm sorry you are going through this, I know from personal experience how frustrating and depressing losing the "V" is. I, like you had next to no experience with women up to 22-23. I used to drink a great deal to overcome social anxiety, and even slept with quite a few women but never managed to lose my virginity because I was so nervous I had erectile dysfunction-this made the whole thing really distressing for me until I just gave up-I was so scared that I put up walls to prevent it happening again.

 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a virgin at your age. I wouldn't be surprised if it was far more common than is made out.

 

I lost mine finally at 23-it wasn't great, but I learned a lot from it-it was with someone I'd known for quite awhile, felt comfortable with and who I knew liked me a lot.

 

What I learned and I hope you remember is that everyone is self conscious-women in particular, and everyone is human. What's helped me immensely is realizing that women are not to be placed on a high high pedestal they are just the same as you. Once a woman likes you and knows you, I'm not even sure they would be able to tell if you were a virgin.

 

What helped me immensely, was getting involved in new things-volunteering, writing, essentially a life outside of work. Once you have a social network and interests women will see you are popular AND interesting they will WANT to know you-once women want to know you thats half your problems solved.

 

For me I made friends with a lot of women-I was very socially awkward two years ago. I did not persue anything with those women but spent a long time around them, drinking with them, listening to them and just learning how to be calm around really attractive women. This has stood me in really good stead now-new women I meet and am interested in can immediately tell Im comfortable around them. I am also far more cheeky and cocky to them because I feel comfortable in myself, and am not scared of them running away like I was in the past. Christ if they saw me two years ago they wouldn't believe Im the same person.

 

So it's never too late, you are not alone, consider building up good solid friendships with women to start off with and work on your self esteem through getting a busy social life-once you stop focusing on losing the "v" as the be all and end all the rest will follow. Best of luck.

[reflecting zen]

Hi lonelyguy. Yeah I'm pretty lonely too, but I live in a hole of a city with no women, so I'm looking at moving out of here. I've been to this website set up by a group of Australians, www.themodernman.com and downloaded a document called 'The Flow'. It will cost you, but this is a pretty practical guide on how to approach and attract women. They have other resources that expand on various elements introduced in The Flow. I've found this very useful and after reading it I pretty much know what I need to work on, and now it comes down to practice. The main thing you need (and you've heard this thousands of times before) is confidence. Good luck.

[Shy_Chris85]

Hi, Ive just signed up to "join in" on this topic.

 

SG, what you are going through is virtually identical to my situation, so much so that it is sending a chill down my spine thinking that there are others like myself. Mid-twenties, family problems (albeit at the end of my teens) and also a virgin. Mind you, Ive never had a girlfriend either.

Those "family problems" were losing my mum to cancer, which not only knocked me for 6, but has changed my entire life. To deal with bereavement, I turned to gaming (I did already play, but I took it a good few steps further) because it was the only place I could go that I could get away from the real-world.

Although I stopped grieving a while ago, Im happy to report that I have cut back on gaming, but not enough. Its still on-going. I suppose thats step #1.

 

I have, for my entire life, been shy and set-back from the world itself. Losing a parent has really done a lot to this, more so than what I was before. Although this is my fault for not dealing with it, it is not my choosing. I just struggle to find any possible way of overcoming it.

 

Similarly, there is a girl who I have almost asked out a few times, however, with her being at Uni (which is a 4hour drive away) for another 1.5years, I just dont see it happening until then. Which is a long wait, but I swear there is something there.

 

Before I even get to the stage where I can even address this, I need to overcome my general social anxiety, lack of being a conversationalist (even with my friends I struggle).

Although I have come out of my shell in the past year or so, I feel as if I should be a lot further on, and I know that Im dragging myself back into that shell, something I desperately do not want to happen.

I also find it extremely difficult to talk to girls, but only in person. On the phone Im OK, but in person, I completely change and go stone-dead quiet and literally "speak only when spoken to". This applies whether Im sober or majorly drunk. I hate myself for it.

 

Strangely, it varies for me, depending on who is around. I dont know, perhaps I just dont want to come across as an idiot to some people. I think Im too self-aware, which is linked back to the above. I dont like change, especially social change. I take a very long time to adapt.

 

Unfortunately, I have an Uncle who is pretty much like this, is nearly 60 and has been alone his entire life. I just know Im going to end up like him, which I really do NOT want to happen. Problem is that I just dont seem to have any motivation to change myself or my life, despite wanting to so very badly.

 

Good luck with your situation, I hope you overcome it. Reading through some of your posts, I think you've got a much better chance than myself.

[amagordos]

i don't think you should be ashamed about being a virgin, what that means is that you weren't ready and that you are waiting for the right time and the right girl. That is actually really sweet and if you tell a girl that she will not laugh, she might find it sweet, if she laughs well she's a jerk. I feel like most guys always want to have sex and don't take girls seriously, but it seems like you aren't like that at all and many girls would really appreciate that. Telling a girl something like that would actually make her feel closer to you and thus more special. Sharing secrets like those bring close bonds. I know you are a guy and that it might be embarrasing and all, but i can't stand double standards, why is it only girls who should stay virgins till matrimony?

[LonelyGuy85]

Shy_Crisis85, i am so sorry to hear about your problems. I definitely can relate to a lot of what your saying, especially your issues with social anxiety, which i get really bad to. I also have a similar situation to you regarding feelings for a girl which is sadly lack the selt esteem to ask out. I am also a very aware person when i comes to people around me, so i restrict my habits because of this. Change is also something i find hard to deal with, but at the same time it's something i want to be comfortable with. I want to do so much with my life but this girl has become someone i really like and the idea of not seeing her kills me, so much so that i don't want to try for another job as i am afraid that my previous experience of friendships will result in me losing contact with her.

[Miko]

I would pick a girl, date her, if it comes up tell her you're NOT going to have sex with her yet b/c "I don't even know you, what're you trying to take advantage of me(jokingly)" THEN, IF you like her and trust her, one day tell her and she'll probably 'take it easy' on you and maybe 'show you how it's done'.

 

My first was like that, I was younger but still, was one of the last virgins among my friends. She was a nice girl but she knew what she was doing and made sure to tell me how 'awesome' I was, even though i probably wasn't LOL. She WON'T do that if she doesn't know you are a virgin though so once you trust her, tell her.

[Shy_Chris85]

Shy_Crisis85

Chris Although Crisis is probably more suitable!

 

I am also a very aware person when i comes to people around me, so i restrict my habits because of this.

 

Spot on, same here. I tend not to be as much so in the past few months, but it does come back every now and then.

 

I did come across this website yesterday, some of which Ive been having a read over (theres a LOT there).

I actually put some in practise today with a friend, which kept us talking literally all day - a rarity for myself. I was quite impressed with myself, so hopefully I can build on it. In reality, its the tip of the iceberg, but a start. Hopefully it might be of some use to you