d1410 Posted December 16, 2003 Share Posted December 16, 2003 I'm really confused and angry...but maybe this will make sense to others out there. I started dating a guy a few weeks ago. We seemed really compatible, physically attracted to one another and both happy to have met someone new. We went on 3 dates and things heated up pretty fast and we ended up sleeping together on the last date. Yes..last date. It seemed to be wonderful but I didn't hear from him after that. I left him 2 messages this past week, in case he had lost my phone #, etc. Why is it that he doesn't think he should even call to say SOMETHING to me, so that I can understand why he abruptly stopped talking to me. I know, I know...we took it too fast but if he just wanted sex....why did he act like he was interested in a relationship??? Why did he say he would return something of mine after the fact when he doesn't bother to call? How do I trust new people that I meet? there weren't ANY signs to signal that he was a complete user. Any advice would be helpful.. d Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 16, 2003 Share Posted December 16, 2003 How do I trust new people that I meet? Nobody has yet come up with a satisfactory substitute for time as the best guarantor of trust. You cannot trust a person after three dates, unfortunately. There are trustworthy people out there; they understand that people cannot afford to just trust them so they are willing to put enough time into a relationship to allow you to learn to trust them. Anybody who wants anything from you (money, sex, whatever) after a very short acquaintance is suspect. It stinks, but that's life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author d1410 Posted December 16, 2003 Author Share Posted December 16, 2003 You're right Moimeme....trust is important and time tells all. I think I understand that I was manipulated and that it often takes a lot of time before you can really trust someone. I think I just needed him to call me once and say 'sorry it didn't work out' but it was like he fell off the face of the earth or something. this is consuming my daily thoughts and it shouldn't be. I'll just have to think of it as a lesson... Thanks for your thoughts.. d Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 16, 2003 Share Posted December 16, 2003 this is consuming my daily thoughts and it shouldn't be. I'll just have to think of it as a lesson... Yeah, I know. Every now and then, I get the urge to trust someone too soon, too. Lessons like this keep us from doing stupid things more than once. Sigh. Still, you can't help wishing that you could just trust people... Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted December 16, 2003 Share Posted December 16, 2003 I realize that this is hurtful and it might be easier to just think that this guy was deliberately using you, with the formed intention of dumping you once he'd had what he wanted (sex?). But it may well be the case that he got in over his head and realized he was setting things up for a real relationship, when that's not what he wanted. That still makes him thoughtless and cowardly for not explaining himself to you. While there's nothing inherently wrong with starting a physical relationship rather quickly, if you do you run the risk of getting physically involved with someone who may not want a long-term relationship. If you're not comfortable with that possibility, then you should exercise more caution before sleeping with someone. It's not about you being too incautious, or them being dishonest. It's just that if you're looking for some kind of commitment before you sleep with someone you should wait until you've got some kind of commitment before you sleep with them. You're not to blame for this guy's bad behavior. He owes you the courtesy of returning your call, and explaining that he's sorry but he doesn't want to continue to see you. But if he did call you and say that, I don't think you could fairly accuse him of using you (unless he'd been talking like he really wanted a relationship with you and then quickly changed his mind). You cannot equate sex with commitment. There was a recent thread elsewhere on this site about this issue, you might want to check it out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author d1410 Posted December 16, 2003 Author Share Posted December 16, 2003 Yeah, I wish that I could take people at face value and not always question their motives. I just wanted him to like me for who I am, not what he could take from me. *sigh* I guess if we humans didn't take any risks then we wouldn't really be living. we have to choose carefully and go with our gut instincts. I'll think twice next time for sure. Happy holidays Moimeme! d Link to post Share on other sites
WWDDFD Posted December 16, 2003 Share Posted December 16, 2003 Originally posted by d1410 I'm really confused and angry...but maybe this will make sense to others out there. I started dating a guy a few weeks ago. We seemed really compatible, physically attracted to one another and both happy to have met someone new. We went on 3 dates and things heated up pretty fast and we ended up sleeping together on the last date. Yes..last date. It seemed to be wonderful but I didn't hear from him after that. I left him 2 messages this past week, in case he had lost my phone #, etc. Why is it that he doesn't think he should even call to say SOMETHING to me, so that I can understand why he abruptly stopped talking to me. I know, I know...we took it too fast but if he just wanted sex....why did he act like he was interested in a relationship??? Why did he say he would return something of mine after the fact when he doesn't bother to call? How do I trust new people that I meet? there weren't ANY signs to signal that he was a complete user. Any advice would be helpful.. d Madame, as a man, I would have to say that maybe he is a little freaked out, and doesn't know how to handle it yet. Of course, I'm not really sure, since I myself and noone I am friends with would ever do such a thing to a woman, but I know some people who would. Link to post Share on other sites
Author d1410 Posted December 16, 2003 Author Share Posted December 16, 2003 Thanks Midori and WWFD... WWFD...It's good to hear that you or your friends wouldn't think of doing the same to a lady. It's the point of it and Midori..Yes...it's the courtesy thing. I try my best to treat people the way I want to be treated and just don't understand cowards and dishonest people. I have his email address and wanted to write him a note saying that but maybe it's not worth it...what do you think?? d Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 16, 2003 Share Posted December 16, 2003 You cannot equate sex with commitment. Wow! That is a very interesting assumption!!! I am taking it to mean that you think this is general consensus and that it indicates people's attitudes rather than a caution? I think great quantities of us still retain remnants of our early training, meaning that we expect sex and commitment to be the norm. Certainly I consider one-night stands (or third-date stands, as it were) to be unusual rather than the norm. I definitely still think that the majority of couples having sex are doing so because of commitment. This is not to say that there are people seeking uncommitted sex, but IMHO they are still not the majority of people by any means. Like the meaning of 'gay', I wonder how widespread this assumption is; whether nowadays more people subscribe to it than to the assumption that I still hold. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 16, 2003 Share Posted December 16, 2003 Happy holidays Moimeme! Same to you, d! Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted December 16, 2003 Share Posted December 16, 2003 Originally posted by d1410 I have his email address and wanted to write him a note saying that but maybe it's not worth it...what do you think?? d I think it depends on what you're hoping it would accomplish. If you like to walk away from a situation knowing that you've been as honest as you can be (which I do) then you might write an email that says something like "Hey, I'm a little disappointed that you haven't returned my calls, but I just wanted to let you know that I really enjoyed myself on our dates. Thanks a lot. Have a great holiday." But understand that you still may not hear from him, especially if he's a coward. But I wouldn't send him a chastising email -- you've already seen that he doesn't have the wherewithal to deal with you now that he apparently doesn't want to keep seeing you. So pushing him to explain himself or apologize won't get you anywhere, except wondering if you looked desperate and angry and therefore drove him further away. In these things I think it's important for your own sake to keep your dignity. Keeping your dignity is always important, but since you're already wracking your brains trying to figure out what went wrong with this guy, you don't want to add to it by wondering if you came across too fiercely. Link to post Share on other sites
Author d1410 Posted December 16, 2003 Author Share Posted December 16, 2003 my phone message to him last night said exactly that. I said I had a great time with him and I was confused why he hadnt' returned my call. I then wished him a merry Christmas. So, yes...I believe the email would be a bad idea. Thanks for bringing that to my attention midori! I know now that he is a real coward and that it wasn't me but him. d Link to post Share on other sites
Nope Posted December 16, 2003 Share Posted December 16, 2003 Originally posted by d1410 I know, I know...we took it too fast but if he just wanted sex....why did he act like he was interested in a relationship??? Why did he say he would return something of mine after the fact when he doesn't bother to call? How do I trust new people that I meet? there weren't ANY signs to signal that he was a complete user. Any advice would be helpful.. d I don't trust anyone. So be upfront with new people. Tell them you might like to be in a relationship with them, or tell them you just want a physical relationship, or a very short-term companionship. If they run, they run and you can find someone else who will be open to whatever you are looking for. You don't have to trust them. If you think something is changing (3-night stand turning into a relationship) then tell the person that and let them leave. If someone else doesn't offer you the same courtesy, then just let it go - it won't hurt you if you don't trust them to begin with. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted December 16, 2003 Share Posted December 16, 2003 Originally posted by d1410 We went on 3 dates and things heated up pretty fast and we ended up sleeping together on the last date. Yes..last date. It doesn't mean it he was just in it for the sex. However, TIMING is all important when starting a new relationship with someone you really care about. If you want a long term thing.....make him wait awhile. NOT to put him thru agony....but to let him know you value a sexual relationship enough not to share it easily. I KNOW....I sound like your Mother! HAHA! I'm single, I date alot and I know alot of guys. TRUST ME here.....don't ever do the sex thing too early. I don't care what you see on the movies or read in some magazine....the truth is...guys respect you more if you wait. One night stands with a guy you think is hot, but don't want a long term relationship with....by all means...go for it. But be very careful if you really are interested in the guy for a long term. Read some of the posts around the "water cooler" on this forum and see what some men have to say about this issue. Link to post Share on other sites
Vivid_29 Posted December 17, 2003 Share Posted December 17, 2003 Originally posted by d1410 I know, I know...we took it too fast but if he just wanted sex....why did he act like he was interested in a relationship??? Why did he say he would return something of mine after the fact when he doesn't bother to call? d If all this gentleman wanted was just to get into your panties, then I would say him being sincere about a relationship with you, was just a ploy. Next time, you may be a little more wise and make your future partner work for it. I know that you are upset, but I hope you are not heartbroken over this. If you are, just look at it this way. He didn't use you. He was the little bitch and you used him for the nookie! You got what you wanted! Just a thought! Vivid Link to post Share on other sites
Author d1410 Posted December 17, 2003 Author Share Posted December 17, 2003 Vivid, that's a good thought....I wish it were true. I wasn't into him just for sex and I only feel used because he never called at all after the fact. I'm not heartbroken but mad that someone could be so callous with my feelings. thanks for your thoughts tho. :-) Arabess, I know I should have waited to have sex with this guy...but he would have probably wined and dined me until I was ready to jump into the sack with him. Last year, a guy friend of mine pursued me for 9 months...he had a girlfriend at the time, so I stayed far away. When they broke up, we started dating but it soon fell apart (he ended up going back to his ex). I'm starting to question my judgement...why can't I see the signs clearly?? I know it's probably best not to contact this guy again (the one that recently ditched me) but he has my salad bowl...and while I can certainly live without it, it is the principle of it. he should have called me to at least say he'd return my bowl. d Link to post Share on other sites
lipglossboost Posted January 1, 2004 Share Posted January 1, 2004 Originally posted by d1410 I know, I know...we took it too fast but if he just wanted sex....why did he act like he was interested in a relationship??? Um, to get sex, sweetie ... it sucks, but it's true. It's one of the many ways men and women differ. I have a theory on this ... when men have sex, then enter our bodies, they conquer, they take. When women have sex, we allow them to enter us, and it's a whole different ballgame, with a wholely different set of emotions attached to it. He honestly probably thinks nothing of it. He had a bit of fun, and that's it. Most men do not understand how we as women feel about that act, or what we must feel emotionally before we will even allow it to happen. Sorry you got duped, but don't feel bad. It's happened to the best of us, (myself included!) *hugs* Link to post Share on other sites
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