Very Long Question: how to deal with a strong case of unrequited romantic feelings?

[billyjeffick84]

I would like to ask several questions of advice about how to deal with my feelings of unrequited love.

 

I am currently a 25 year old male who is still in college. Many years ago, when I was in high school, I was one of the best students, especially in Math, Chemistry, and Physics. I was easily able to get into the Chemical Engineering program at my university and I declared myself as a triple major in Chemical Engineering, Chemistry, and Math. In the first two or three years, I was enjoying my studies and a good academic performance. However, I had several strong unrequited obsessive crushes on several women and that destroyed my motivation. I started using the Internet a LOT, I started spending tens of hours on Facebook, Myspace, and eventually, YouTube. My grades began a steady, fast downward plunge and my confidence was broken. Eventually, I got into surfing pornography on the Internet. That completely destroyed my academic record and I was failing all my classes. I was taking less classes just to graduate eventually and I was using pornography and the Internet to waste time. Six years after starting college as a bright smart hard-working student, I flunked out of the university and turned into a porn junkie. My career and academic record were broken completely. This year, the university allowed to take me back for one more semester on probation. At this point, I made a solid decision to completely eliminate porn use and to drastically reduce my Internet time.

 

When I came back to the university this year, in one of my classes, I met one young woman. First of all, she is extremely beautiful and physically attractive, perhaps she is one of the most beautiful women that I ever met in my life. She looks like a model and could easily win any beauty pageant, if only she wanted to participate in one. But most of all, she is extremely smart, intelligent, and intellectual. Even though she is a junior, she takes senior level courses in Math and Chemistry. She is one of the best students in the class. She does research in quantum mechanics in one of the best research groups in the Chemistry department. She can easily solve problems in classical mechanics, thermodynamics, quantum mechanics, and she knows computational chemistry and differential equations very solidly. Being so smart in those areas makes her even more sexy.

She watches many geeky films, and she enjoys science fiction books. She knows films like Stars Wars, Terminator, Matrix, and others by heart.

In addition to that, she participates in many sports, including rowing, track, swimming, and she was winner of multiple chess competitions in her high school. In addition to all of that, she is very mature for her age. At the age of not yet 21, she looks like a woman of 30. Many young girls at age 20 or 21 act like little kids, still watch Disney cartoons or Jonas Brothers or gossip incessantly about shopping and boys. She is not like that at all. She is very serious and rational and she has multiple interests. She looks and acts like a woman, not a girl. This adds even more to her sexiness. I have never yet met anyone more impeccable than her. The only problem is that I am only 5'10" and she is 6'1" and despite my tall appearance, she looks obviously taller than me.

 

I developed feelings for her at first sight. Now, I made a solid resolution to give up porn for good. Also, I tried to get myself more motivated in my classes. I began to "stretch" myself, so I could turn myself into a man worthy of her love. Also, my meeting her opened my eyes on my life in the past several years. I realized that I had wasted very much of my time. I realized that my abuse of porn and the Internet diminished my abilities and my personality. I realized that I lost the strength and the intelligence that I used to have in high school and early college. Also, I realized that I was drifting in my life and not living life to the fullest potential. I regretted that I did not meet someone like her several years earlier. Maybe, if I met her before my academic troubles began, then those troubles could have been avoided. But now, I am an unsuccessful 25 year old loser, who is living at home with his Parents, who is unemployed, who is unmotivated, who has no friends, who is a virgin and was never in any relationship and never even kissed. But worst of all, I am a 25 year old male who does not have fully developed career path. The latter is an enormous shame for a male person who by age should be a grown man! At my age, I have not planned out the structure for my life, because years were wasted on porn. After meeting the woman, my eyes were opened that much of my life was a waste. Heck, if I would have been listening to my Parents when they told me to eat an eating and exercising properly as a child and and an early teen, I could have grown in height to be 6'1" or taller!

 

In my life, I have never admired any woman so much as her. She seems to be the woman that I dreamed about all my life. Before this year, I used to looks at girls everywhere, but now, I have stopped thinking about all other women at all. I cannot imagine being with another woman. Maybe my standards are extremely high, but she is the woman that I want and there is no other young woman like her. At least, I have never met anyone like her. I began to think about her all the time and began to see her in my dreams.

 

She was nice to me for a long time, but for some reason, she always rejected me when I added her as a friend on Facebook. I added her several times and each time, she would reject me. I think that one has to thoroughly dislike you and even possibly hate you to reject you as a Facebook friend. But still, I swallowed my pride and I gave her multiple signs of attention. She was polite and friendly to me, but yet, she seemed to be somewhat indifferent toward me. One time, I sent her a Facebook gift of a bouquet of roses. She wrote me a short email that she has a boyfriend and feels uncomfortable from my signs of attention. But her Facebook profile says that she is Single! She told me that she still does have a boyfriend, she just doesn't like to talk about him too much, but she apologized for rejecting me.

 

At this point, I know that I should have stopped my pursuit of her. However, as I described earlier, my feelings for her are so strong that it was hard for me to stop. I would continue to try to make casual conversations with her and ask her questions about class. I was also trying to ask her to have lunch with me, but she repeatedly and politely told me that she can't do that. Any rational person would tell me that she is just not interested. Any normal person would have suggested me to just stop. But it was just too hard for me. I decided to tell her plainly and honestly how much of feelings I have for her. I hoped that she would consider me to be a kind and an honest person. Perhaps, it was unnecessary and naive, but I wanted to prove to her that I have absolutely no ill intentions and that my feelings for her greatly transcend a crush or lust. I found her after class and I told her almost all the truth in one long talk. I described how much struggle and trouble I was having in my academic and personal life. I told her that meeting her had given mea ray of hope to rebuild my life. I told her that she is the woman of my dreams. Also, I mentioned that I cannot imagine any other woman. She listened to be very attentively and patiently. Then, with a shocked facial expression, she replied: "Sorry, but I cannot return these feelings. I must go back to my studies."

 

I added her as a friend on Facebook again, but this time, she blocked me!

After getting blocked on Facebook, I cried for the first time in many years. The next day, I wrote her an email, where I apologized and promised to leave her alone completely. In the days since then, I completely lost my appetite. I am having hard time falling asleep each night and I often wake up in the middle of the night. My grades are beginning to slip, because I even think of her in class. My weight went down from 137 lbs to 122 lbs in 3 weeks. Despite the fact that I have not seen her even once after that conversation, I think about her almost all the time and still sometimes see her in my dreams. I feel that I am in love with her. I am willing to work very hard to make up with her and if at all possible, to win her heart. I am willing to wait for her patiently and I am will willing to make important changes in my life for her.

 

Now, I would like to ask you some questions about this situation:

 

1. Why did she block me on Facebook?

 

In my opinion, one person blocks another person on Facebook is the former considers the latter to be their enemy. There has to a great amount of despise and hatred to block someone on Facebook. Does she hate me? Does she consider me to be her enemy? If so, why?

Indeed, I was annoying to her and I might have pestered her a bit too much. But at the same time, I have not betrayed not. I have not threatened her. I have not said anything rude or offensive to her. In no way, shape, or form, did I show her any intention of harming her. My speech to her was an honest, a sincere, and a straightforward confession of love. It was also a thank you to her for restoring my hope and interest in life. Why do I deserve to be blocked on Facebook for that?

 

2. is she scared of me?

 

As I had mentioned earlier, I have absolutely no intention to cause her ill or harm. However, it seems to me that she is afraid of me. There is no reason at all for her to be afraid of me. The thing that breaks my heart the most is not the fact that she is not in love with me. What breaks my heart much more is the fact that she probably scared of me.

What makes me extremely depressed and frustrated is my fear that she think that I am a dangerous stalker and a creep. She might even think that I would go to such length as a rape and murder. She might even think that I am a deranged criminal or a mentally ill violent psychotic. But why do I deserve to be thought of that way?

I have never harmed another being in my life. I have never done anything wrong. I don't see any reason for her to think of me that way. My sincere hopes are that she does not consider me to be harmful and dangerous.

 

I did not see her in class on Wednesday and Friday. Is she cutting class, because of me?!

 

3. How can I prove her that I am an honest and a completely harmless person?

 

I don't want her to be afraid of me at all. What can I do to show her true character?

 

4. Did she believe that my confession was sincere?

 

I am afraid that she thinks that I confessed love to her to manipulate her. maybe this false thought was why she blocked me on Facebook. But this is NOT true at all. But does she think that way?

 

5. What would be the consequences if I start a casual talk with her?

 

I have left her alone completely for 3 weeks. I am afraid to run into her. If see her and say "hi" to her, what would her reaction be? If I attempt a normal, calm, and casual conversation, what would she do? If I ask her how she did on the last test, what would she say? Will she say anything back to me? I am scared that if I approach her and start the most neutral and innocent conversation, she might report me for sexual harassment. Moreover, I am scared that she might impose a restraining order on me even for the most casual conversation. She could even complain to the University officials and I could get kicked out of the University for good.

I want to talk to her and I want to end my status of a persona non-grata with her. But I am afraid of consequences. How long should I wait before I can even say "hi" to her again? Would I face trouble if I initiate a conversation with her?

 

6. What does she think about me?

 

Even in the days before I started to pursue her earnestly, she rejected me on Facebook. Even before I began to pester her, she seemed somewhat indifferent toward me. I am afraid that she thinks that I am a stupid and a shallow person. She might think that I have no real personality and that I am not a real man. She might think of me as a wuss, a loser, and a slacker. She might think that I am a lazy and a selfish person. What was it about my initial behavior and first impression that made her so indifferent toward me?

Does she think that I am not smart enough in Math and Chemistry? Does she think that I am too unsuccessful and unmotivated?

 

7. What can I do to change her mind about me?

 

It is very hard for me to get over such a great woman as her. My admiration for her runs too deeply and my feelings for her are still growing, despite the block on Facebook. I want to transform myself into a smart, strong, confident man, one that will be worthy of her love. I want to become her equal. I have a strong desire to rebuild my academics and my career from scratch. I had given up porn entirely and I use Internet less. I want to develop new hobbies and new interests. I made the decision to start my life anew. With the mess in my academics and career, it will take me at least 2 years to rebuild my life and career. But I am willing to wait for her for 2 years, 5 years, and maybe even 10 years. However, even two years might be too late. If she truly has a boyfriend, then they will probably be engaged within a year and married two years from now. Still, it is possible that she just told me about a boyfriend so I could leave her alone, and it is possible that she and her boyfriend might eventually break up. What can I do transform myself into such a man who will be a Hercules, an Aristotle, a Sir Isaac Newton, a Neo all at the same time? Into the man worthy of the Aphrodite and the Marie Curie that he wants so much!

 

8. What to tell the counselor?

 

After my distress over the woman, I decided to seek professional help on the University campus. If I tell the counselor all the truth, I am afraid that I might get into trouble.

[doushenka]

Now, I would like to ask you some questions about this situation:

 

1. Why did she block me on Facebook?

 

Because you're behaving like a potential stalker. Don't do that stuff. She said "sorry, no" and you still pushed the issue -- what does that say about your ability to actually hear the word "no"?

 

2. is she scared of me?

 

Probably, and more than a little creeped out. A mentally healthy person doesn't fixate on a woman like this, especially after she has rejected him.

 

3. How can I prove her that I am an honest and a completely harmless person?

 

By leaving her the heck ALONE.

 

4. Did she believe that my confession was sincere?

 

It doesn't really matter whether she did or didn't.

 

5. What would be the consequences if I start a casual talk with her?

 

"Hi" between classes, saying nothing else, is reasonable. Anything else and she'll be absolutely convinced you're unhinged, instead of just mostly sure.

 

6. What does she think about me?

 

My best guess? That you're a creep with no life outside of your single-minded pursuit of her. That you're desperate.

 

7. What can I do to change her mind about me?

 

YOU CAN'T. Don't even try. She has a boyfriend! She's happy with him! She's not going to start paying you the kind of attention you want!

 

8. What to tell the counselor?

 

Since you have not (yet) committed a crime, whatever you tell the counselor will be held in confidence. I suggest you tell him/her the whole truth, and listen well when s/he tries to help you.

[billyjeffick84]

I am a completely harmless person. Why did you write that I have (yet!) to commit a crime?!

[Stockalone]

I am a completely harmless person. Why did you write that I have (yet!) to commit a crime?!

 

At some point you have to accept that she is not interested in you. And so far, what you did was not a crime. I think that is what doushenka meant.

 

Do not talk to your crush again. If you run into each other, you can say hi in passing, but that is it. Unless she initiates a conversation, leave her be.

 

Can you take the class you have together at a different time? If possible, do so. Try to avoid her. Constantly seeing her will not be helpful.

 

Go and see that counselor. You could print out what you have written here for the counselor to read. Or you could just tell him/her your thoughts. And try to focus on your education.

[deux ex machina]

You went fixation, to fixation, to fixation. This isn't about her, or anyone/anything else. This is about you.

 

This is not love. This is an obsession, and it must stop.

 

Going to see someone is a great idea. When you see the counselor take a printout of this post with you. I think it would be helpful.

 

I'm not quite understanding why you think being honest would get you into trouble?

[confusedfude]

Hey Billy,

I completely sympathize with you; you must be feeling really bad, because this girl didnt reciprocate. But think about it; did she really love you in the first place? Did you love her or was it a fleeting feeling of infatuation? Dont make the fatal mistake of mixing these up. Infatuation is the downfall of one too many men. Remember, think about the men to women ratio in the world, and remember that there are millions of other women out there who would die for a shot with you. Just go to Russia for example, or India. I guarantee you that you would find more than enough hot women there to satisfy your lust. But will that really cure your obsession with lust? No. I think what has happened is that these six or so years of porn have really twisted your perception of women, and you now view them as sex vixens. I know that pornography is one thing that can seriously put a damper on one's self esteem as well- because unconsciously, you feel bad about watching such a disgusting act in action. Its basically prostitution captured on video. Do you think those women wanted to act in those movies? Absolutely not! The media glamorizes porn, and parents pass it off as a stage in a childs life. This is absolutely horrifying and should not be a culturally accepted practice. Try to think of women as more than just pure flesh. I mean not only is it superficial to just look at beauty (she is going to get old and look ugly one day) but it is also reprehensible. I think what is attracting you to her is more physical lust rather than intellectual compatibility. I really feel for you when you say that your academic performance was hurt by watching porn; this is a heartbreaking story and I pray to god that you recover from this and clear your mind from this devastating cancer of a thing. If you want to start life anew, embrace spirituality, read the Bhagavad Gita, or just some books. Take new classes, join a local sports club/gym and work out. Travel, eat good food and watch good movies. But above all, dont miss out on your education. It is the one thing that will always provide you with satisfaction. I guarantee it. As for women, forget about her; you never loved her anyway; it was merely a lustful infatuation. I promise in another two weeks you will have forgotten about her completely. Remember, you're still young and eventually you will find the person for you. Dont give up hope.

[billyjeffick84]

First of all, when I used to watch pornography, I have never watched the sexual act on video. I have only watched pictures of naked women.

Second, my infatuation with that woman was primarily based on her great intellect and great achievements. It was by no means firstly sexual. I have never objectified her and I have never viewed her as pure flesh for sex! My feelings for her are first and foremost the monumental admiration that she can set such a leading example for me. If I would have thought of her only in sexual terms, then I wouldn't have wanted to reconsider my old way and I wouldn't have wanted to change my life so much for her.

Third, I am wondering about you, doushenka. Your reply to me was so passionately angry and enthusiastic that it's beginning to seem to me that you might by some stroke of chance be THAT woman.

[doushenka]

It was passionately angry and enthusiastic because you're treating a woman like you have a right to her affections. I've been there. I've hated every second of it. I call people on it when I see it.

 

I repeat: you need serious help.

[dazzle22]

My heart goes out to you because I can tell you are a sweet guy, but you need to listen very carefully to what has been said, and what I am going to tell you. I have been a doctor for 18 years, and you need some help so that you do not ruin your life.

 

You are obviously very intelligent, but as with so many intelligent people in the maths and sciences, you are having difficulty in the less logical concrete area of life, that of the right brain, "social sciences" if you will...

 

You are experiencing problems with obsession, this can go along with compulsive behavior. You became obsessed with porn, then it became a compulsion. What is happening now, is you have merely REPLACED your problem with another obsession-this time a girl- and now you are experiencing compulsive behavior to get through to her. And you are starting to look like a stalker. Seriously. You obviously don't see it that way, but that is the way it FEELS to other people. And you have difficulty sensing the "cues" that others are giving you.

 

You really need, and I mean need medication to get this "short circuit" in your brain to stop. Please heed this advice and get medical help as soon as possible. You are obviously brilliant, but as we all know, brilliant people can sometimes have spectacularly "trainwreck" lives.

[LucreziaBorgia]

The questions you are asking are like a crack addict asking how to still smoke crack but not be an addict anymore.

 

The only way out is to purge it out of your life, walk away and never look back. There is nothing you can say or do that will make this woman love or even like you. The only solution is to force yourself into 'no contact' and to block yourself from any and all ways to contact her including just looking at pictures of her.

 

You need to detox this person from your system. Trust me, after getting over my own unrequited situation this summer, I know now that ONLY way out is to cut that person out physically, emotionally and mentally.

 

It can and will get better the longer you go without seeing her, hearing from her, or looking for her. You may need some therapy and medication for your problems in general, and that will only help matters.