Partner/Parent conflict at holidays

[abd]

My SO and I went to my parents' home for Thanksgiving. She was not really looking forward to it; we went last year, and it was awkward and boring - just the four of us, we had to travel and stay there for three nights, they live in the middle of nowhere. This year we planned to only stay two nights and to do some black Friday shopping to get us out of their house.

 

I thought things were going relatively well; my dad, who didn't talk to her much at all last year, was much pleasanter, actually having conversations and not just going off and doing his own thing all the time (this is pretty unusual for him). She and my mom also seemed to be getting along. However, the day after, we were having leftovers for dinner, and my SO went to heat up another piece of stuffing, at which point my mom said something like, "It's good, isn't it? But you gotta watch those carbs..."

 

This pissed off my SO, who gave me a look... I mouthed something like, "I'm sorry," and she tried to forget about it. A few minutes later my mom asked why she wasn't sitting down at the table anymore (she ate the stuffing over near the microwave), and said "You're not over there because of what I said, right?". SO says, "Actually, yes... it was kind of rude." My mom replies "Oh, I'm sorry! It wasn't rude!". Back and forth ensues, my SO leaves the room and spends the rest of the evening in the bedroom.

 

I was doing some dishes and said something to my mother about the whole incident... trying to explain to her why what she said could be construed as rude, etc. She didn't really seem to get it. I also tried to explain that it's not really an apology when you say "I'm sorry, but it wasn't rude!". She said to me, "I think it was rude for her to say it was rude."

 

Next morning I get up early, SO is still asleep, my mom comes over to me and is crying, saying "I just wanted everyone to have a good Thanksgiving, I'm sorry." I try to tell her it's not that big a deal, everything was great, it was just one thing that got blown out of proportion, etc.

 

Later in the day, before we are set to leave, apparently my mom went and talked to my SO to try to offer a real apology. From what SO tells me (I wasn't around), my mom was trying to explain why she made the comment, but my SO's feelings are that my mom just wants everything to be OK, and doesn't really want to deal with the hurt feelings, etc.

 

Anyway, to put this in a larger context, my mom brought up to me a comment SO had made literally six months ago, indicating that she thinks SO is rude, and says "I hope you would never say something like that to her mother."

 

We come back home and I'm trying to parse all this. Went out two nights ago with a friend of mine, was talking to him, and his take on it was the same as mine - sure, what my mom said was rude, but if it had been me, I would have just tried to brush it off, not called her out on it. I wouldn't have reacted that way to her mother.

 

My SO is not one to remain silent when she is upset about something, which can be a good quality, but I also think there's something to be said for just keeping our complaints to ourselves until we leave. She's told me, "I'm not like you - I'm not going to just sit there and not say anything to your mom when it bothers me." I don't know if it's just the way she went about it, or what. Anyway, both of my parents have contacted me individually and indicated that they "want to talk to me" (which I can only imagine will be negative comments about my SO).

 

How do you all handle conflict with your SO's parents/family? Do you call people out? If so, how? Or, do you try to keep things civil, maybe at the expense of honesty? Is the difference just one of personality, or is there more to it?

[IfWishesWereHorses]

May I offer a little different perspective that both your parents and SO might want to consider?

 

We are able to talk to family memebers and very dear friends in a way that we don't talk to other people. Unconditional love and acceptance is understood so we can say what we feel rather than always making nice. My daughter comes down and has died her beautiful hair pitch black/blue and before I can get the words out of my mouth she says I know you don't like it. I think it looks terrible! We can have this conversation without hurt feelings because we know we love each other.

 

Possibly as your family gets more comfortable with your so and visa versa then that type of honesty, banter might mean that they are moving to a different type of relationship.

 

I do think your SO overreacted but maybe if they can come through this then they will be closer afterwards.

 

I remember the first disagreement I had with my future MIL over wedding details, she hurt my feelings then I was a complete snit. The outcome of us talking it out brought us closer and 25 years later we can disagree and be honest without the hurt feelings because we have an unconditional love and respect for each other while still having a "I respect your opinion but this is how I'm handling it" attitude.

 

Good luck.

[Eve]

How do you all handle conflict with your SO's parents/family? Do you call people out? If so, how? Or, do you try to keep things civil, maybe at the expense of honesty? Is the difference just one of personality, or is there more to it?

 

I havent ever directly dealt with things which my mother in law has done that I havent liked. Hubby is the intermediary. Due to 'tensions' that can arise we have a routine over Christmas where we see them on particular days but never on Christmas Day because they would spoil it. This has happened in the past and they have even tried to pressure us into inviting people over to our home who really we could do without! My adopted parents are just as bad on some things and we deal with them by meeting up with them at interesting places and time limit stays at the family home. Never more than a day works fine.

 

I dont tackle my Hubbys Mum out of a respect for her age and vise versa with my Hubby and my parents. In many respects a lot of the things they say are actually correct but they are too brash with their comments. I think its to do with their age. So we tend to smile through it and keep in touch by the phone where they will do their thing but the sting is less noticable. Mainly we just laugh at them and sometimes we get to laugh with them. They are mellowing a lot now though and one day soon I expect we may have them in our home to contend with as they become less able.

 

Parents are a pain in the bum and then you become your parents. I know we get on our childrens nerves..

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[abd]

Possibly as your family gets more comfortable with your so and visa versa then that type of honesty, banter might mean that they are moving to a different type of relationship.

 

I do think your SO overreacted but maybe if they can come through this then they will be closer afterwards.

 

I think my concern is that I don't see signs that things will get better, either from my SO or my parents. My dad told me over the summer that he basically decided that he didn't like her the day he met her, and though he was polite over Thanksgiving (which is an improvement in a way), I don't think he's really changed his opinion.

 

My SO complains that she doesn't feel like my parents have given her a fair shot (which is probably true), but she also doesn't go out of her way to avoid conflict, and she's made it clear that she doesn't plan to in the future.

 

I havent ever directly dealt with things which my mother in law has done that I havent liked. Hubby is the intermediary. Due to 'tensions' that can arise we have a routine over Christmas where we see them on particular days but never on Christmas Day because they would spoil it. This has happened in the past and they have even tried to pressure us into inviting people over to our home who really we could do without! My adopted parents are just as bad on some things and we deal with them by meeting up with them at interesting places and time limit stays at the family home. Never more than a day works fine.

 

I think the approach of not exposing ourselves to them for too long at once is a good idea... we don't live that far away, so it's feasible to make day trips instead of having to spend the night. We also see my mom at least every few months.

 

Thanks to both of you for your replies.

[TaraMaiden]

You write them both an identical letter (and tell each party you've sent one to the other) and you say:

 

"I love you all, but your constant bickering and scoring points is doing my head in. I get stuck in the middle, and get pulled both ways.

If you can't all act like mature, decent adults and just get along for a few days, then that's your problem.

Don't make it mine.

I don't want it.

I've tried liaising with you all, and seeing all sides, but to keep behaving in this way towards one another is unfair, immature and frankly, tiresome.

Deal with it, because I don't want to, and don't see why I should have to."

 

This is the exact same advice I gave to my elder brother when my parents and his GF at the time, were in uneasy conflict.

 

In his case, it worked like a charm, because there';s an element of "whose side are you on? To whom are you going to be loyal?" in this. Just as there was with him....

They're playing you off, because you're the common denominator.

Your mother is pulling at your heartstrings, and expects you to mediate.

Your GF is - honestly - being a bit of a Prima Donna and telling you that she refuses to back down or change her attitude....So whatcha gonna do about it, huh?'

She's basically establishing where your loyalties lie....

And you - in trying to pour oil on troubled waters - are helping nobody, and being tugged in two directions, which makes you uncomfortable, apprehensive and ill-at-ease.

 

This is your family, fer chrissakes.

your GF needs to be more mature and compromise.

And your mother needs to back off and stop emotionally yanking your chain.

 

And you - you need to step out and tell them to get on with it.

This is their issue, not yours.

[Eve]

I think my concern is that I don't see signs that things will get better, either from my SO or my parents. My dad told me over the summer that he basically decided that he didn't like her the day he met her, and though he was polite over Thanksgiving (which is an improvement in a way), I don't think he's really changed his opinion.

 

My SO complains that she doesn't feel like my parents have given her a fair shot (which is probably true), but she also doesn't go out of her way to avoid conflict, and she's made it clear that she doesn't plan to in the future.

 

Your parents really are taking a massive risk here because things could get bad for them if children come into the picture. My Hubbys parents love me so its not hard for me to spend time limited time with them but I do know that they didnt like my Hubbys first wife on sight and she turned out to be the bitch from hell as soon as the children came along. So I dont know.. be careful. Overall the situation which you outlined at the beginning could (I think) have been easily avoided by both parties.

 

Dont be in the middle.

 

If things dont improve I say go to see your parents on our own. It may end up that you will be bringing any Grandchildren to them on your own too if this becomes an unresolvable issue. It doesnt sound as though your parents are abusive, just stuck in their ways.

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[streetlamp]

Some questions:

 

How do you get along with SO's family? Better or worse--and why?

 

Where are you in the birth order?

 

Is this kind of thing that happens most of the times you all are together?

 

Sounds like things did get out of hand, but I don't think it has to be this way forever. I do think there is a difference between avoiding conflict and creating it. Do you feel like SO is creating it? Or that your parents are?

 

The bottom in my eyes is that both your parents and your SO care about you, and you care about them. It's unfortunate that it's not enough for them to care for each other just yet, but hopefully they can be civil for your sake. I'm not a fan of confrontation, but sometimes it's better than letting things build up and blow up later on.

 

As for what started this incident, I struggled with anorexia and bulimia in high school and college, so I know that I might be extra hurt by a comment like that too. We all have our buttons so maybe in time both sides will learn not to push the other's.

[abd]

I get along fine with her mother, who came to visit us a few weeks ago and stayed with us for three nights. Her mom is pretty laid back, so it was fine.

 

I am an only child. (I'm sure this accounts for some of my parents' behavior)

 

I feel like any extended interaction between her and my parents creates stress for her and me - her because she feels like she has to bite her tongue a lot, etc., and me, because I don't want anyone to get upset.

 

I think that my mom doesn't think before she speaks, and that causes problems, but it's not as if she is intentionally saying things. I think that my girlfriend has in the past tried to avoid saying anything when things bother her, but that over the holiday, she stopped trying.

 

Thanks for the questions.

[streetlamp]

Only child--that can be hard for both sides. I've dated a few of them! It's never easy with the mother.

 

Well, then I think what you said earlier about shorter visits makes the most sense. Everyone can be on their best behavior for a bit. Before things get to tense, you can make an escape.

 

Hope it gets better.

[2sure]

Your SO needs to learn to deal with being a house guest and in laws. Its fine to speak your mind in some situations but in others, like this one....you dont. Since you dont visit that often...whats the big deal?

[streetlamp]

There's more going on under the surface than just this one situation. It sounds like each side took this as an opportunity to express pent up frustration or tension. I think both sides can learn to deal with the other. But, I also don't agree with 2sure. Just shutting up when there's real tension never helps anyone, especially for on-going relationships.

[2sure]

I just feel that sometimes, especially with in laws...its best to pick your battles. Also, the whole if you dont have anything nice to say, etc etc. is good advice when one is an invited guest in someone else's home. Its called taking the high road. Basic manners, self control , and maturity.

[streetlamp]

This is not simply about manners IMO. When something hurtful is said, it is best that it be acknowledged. When I say something that hurts someone else, even if unintentionally, I apologize. Then we can move forward. Too many relationships go sour b/c of things left unsaid.

[abd]

As for what started this incident, I struggled with anorexia and bulimia in high school and college, so I know that I might be extra hurt by a comment like that too. We all have our buttons so maybe in time both sides will learn not to push the other's.

 

This was something my SO brought up... she was raised in a household where her father was constantly making comments about weight and appearance to her mother, so the comment about food was particularly bothersome for her. Combine that with the fact that my mother is obsessive about counting calories, often used to comment on my own diet/weight, etc., and there's a clash.

 

I just feel that sometimes, especially with in laws...its best to pick your battles. Also, the whole if you dont have anything nice to say, etc etc. is good advice when one is an invited guest in someone else's home. Its called taking the high road. Basic manners, self control , and maturity.

 

This is basically what my friend told me when I saw him last week... in his opinion, it's a matter of being a guest, holding your tongue, and waiting until you're out of there to complain.

 

Anyway, thanks to everyone who has replied to this thread. We are definitely planning on spending fewer consecutive days there, probably just limiting it to day trips from now on. But if it remains a problem, I like the idea of writing a letter to both my parents and SO.

[D-Lish]

I experienced the same strife with my ex-mother-in-law. She liked to make weight related comments that used to really hurt my feelings. It got so bad for me that I stopped going to his parents house.

 

What happened to me is that I never said anything to her and my ex-husband was so afraid of confrontation that he was too scared to talk to his mother about it. That actually made things a whole lot worse - for all of us.

 

By the time we split I was so self conscious of my weight that I dropped down to 105lbs. I was emaciated and she still made comments about watching what I ate!

 

I think you did the best thing by talking to your mother and getting it all out in the open. Dealing with it head on may cause some initial prickliness for all involved, but it's better to sort it out now rather than let it fester.

 

I would have appreciated it if my husband would have intervened and tried to sort things out- I think it's admirable that you tried to do that.

 

Women are very sensitive about their weight. I am betting your gf took the comment as an observation of her being over-weight. I can understand how she would have been negatively impacted by that. On the other hand, I am sure your mother didn't mean to hurt your gf's feelings.

 

Now that your mother has apologized, I think it's up to your gf to accept the apology and get over it. It took a lot for your mother to approach your gf and try and make amends.

 

The problem with letting things slide is that it will build resentment. At least a confrontation leaves things open for a resolution.