Its finally over - warning this is long, and probably boring

[curiousnycgirl]

He is 53 I am 44.

[Boundary Problem]

Sorry TBF didn't see this response, as always you are 100% correct, I cannot fix him, and he doesn't want to be fixed. In fact he doesn't really see that there is anything wrong with him.

 

Obviously it's all me - as I said earlier, I'm broken

 

 

If you want a more healthy relationship and he doesn't, then it is game over.

 

It doesn't have to do with love. It has to do with behaviour patterns.

 

 

If he isn't willing to make the changes to meet you 1/2 way, then you have no choice but to walk away.

 

Being single is not a bad choice. I'm single and I truly enjoy it. It is a much happier choice than dealing with someone who gives nothing and is indifferent to our needs and feelings.

[curiousnycgirl]

Thanks Boundary - I know I've been single - and I'll be fine, in fact I'll be better than fine but it doesn't make the pain of the break up, the sorrow over what could have been any less.

 

For the past 5.5 years our lives became totally intertwined - disengaging is hard.

[Star Gazer]

I'm so sorry you're going through a tough time.

 

I know this man is capable...

 

GreyClouds has already made some great points, and I'd like to reiterate this:

 

You saw potential in him, but that's not enough. There's nothing wrong with you. HE is not enough. He may be capable, he may have potential, but the fact is he was who he is and he is who he is. It's not going to change, no matter how hard you try or how perfect of a GF you are to him.

 

Too bad I'm so damn old. I knew from the start that he was probably my last chance for love - and I blew it...

 

Don't you DARE say that to yourself. You are not too old to find love, no one is.

 

My grammy met the love of her life when she was 54.

[GrayClouds]

very sweet of you GrayClouds, but alas I am very old, so even if I finally become a great person, there will be no one to appreciate it.

Yes there will be the most important one of all...you.

[curiousnycgirl]

Thanks Star - it's been a while, I've been dealing with this and not been on LS for quite some time. I agree I saw potential - and I saw what I wanted to see.

 

I also agree with some of GrayClouds obervations about ME and that has given me some really good stuff to think about and work on, even though it is a bitter pill to swallow.

 

So bototm line is I am glad I came back to LS and posted my post. Soon enough I will be in the coping section.

 

Meanwhile I also found out that he did NOT tell his son about the break up, which is interesting. I had already resolved that I will remain a part of his son's life as long as it does not interfere with his relationshp with them, but that would be impossible because he doesn't really have one. Very sad for him, the only way he has stayed in touch with them these past 3 out of 5 years has been through me. His granddaughter calls me a couple times a week - never him (unless I asked).

 

oh the tangled web we weave.

[Ariadne]

I was lucky that he was around so much, because when he had money, he would be pursing his passions (skiing scuba diving)

 

Hey,

 

How are you doing this morning?

 

I think the main problem in this situation, is that the guy sees himself as a playboy, not a family man.

 

He hasn't worked for almost 5 years, wants to become a millionaire some day, and then go skiing and scuba diving.

 

He is lazy even to have sex. He can't get bothered.

 

I asked you once a few years ago what were you getting out of this relationship, and you stayed.

 

Not sure if that was because you were happy or because of the potential.

 

See if this is really love and not a fantasy you are creating that resembles the Beethoven letters.

 

That's what you'll find out these days.

[curiousnycgirl]

The more I think about it, the more I recognize it was a facade. An example that occurred to me this morning was our recent vacation - we spent 2 weeks in Israel, a place I've been to many times before, his first trip.

 

Last Friday I pointed out that while I was thrilled he had enjoyed the trip, I did not feel we had really enjoyed it together. He was always walking way ahead of me (with our guide), never checking on me, etc.

 

The next night we had dinner with friends - the minute they asked us to tell about our trip, the first thing he said was well the best thing was sharing it with CNYCG, after that, blah, blah, blah.

 

You think I am stupid enough to have believed stuff just because he said it?! Or because I wanted to? I'm thinking perhaps. But now my eyes are open, that certainly won't happen again!

 

As far as how I am doing, still upset, still crying, still feeling rejected (even though I'm the one who called it quits) and worthless.

 

But this too shall pass.

 

As far as his being a playboy - or whatever, the funny thing is I used to enjoy that type of lifestyle too. We met in June - between the time we met and January I had been to the Carribean to go diving 4 times, had been to Europe a few times, and then took a spontaneous 4 day weekend to El Salvador because my brother was lecturing down there for 2 weeks. In between I was actively involved in various charity and networking events etc.

 

I only stopped doing all that because suddenly I was paying for two! I continued to support charities that were important to me, but I wrote checks vs. attending $2K a plate dinners. Instead of traveling so much, I stocked both houses with food, entertained at our homes, put fuel in his boat, visited his granddaughter in CA, his friends in Seattle (we live in NJ).

 

Just in case I sound bitter about this - I am not (other than the boat). I made those choices, he never asked me to, and I did it willingly. To me it was part of the compromises one makes as part of a couple.

 

I think his telling me I'd been lucky was his was of saying he wouldn't compromise, and when he could he would be resuming those activities regardless of my thoughts wants and desires.

 

Hindsight is 20/20

[Ariadne]

oh the tangled web we weave.

 

On another thought.

 

This guy is so pampered, that what if he saw you as the one to entertain him and pay for his fun?

 

For the past five years, you were the one to pay for his vacations, restaurants, etc.

 

This time is important to see what was the truth.

[Ariadne]

The more I think about it, the more I recognize it was a facade. An example that occurred to me this morning was our recent vacation - we spent 2 weeks in Israel, a place I've been to many times before, his first trip.

 

Our messages crossed.

 

That makes a lot of sense.. you were the ticket to Israel.

 

Seems like this guy is incredibly selfish and only cares about himself and having the good life. He doesn't even care much about his son.

 

And I imagine that you enjoy doing all those things. But of course, in your case you work hard for them, in his case, he wants them served.

[curiousnycgirl]

Our messages crossed.

 

That makes a lot of sense.. you were the ticket to Israel.

 

Seems like this guy is incredibly selfish and only cares about himself and having the good life. He doesn't even care much about his son.

 

And I imagine that you enjoy doing all those things. But of course, in your case you work hard for them, in his case, he wants them served.

 

Not sure he was as evil as all that - but that is basically the end result.

 

Funny thing is that the broken relationshp with his son really upsets him, but he won't take any advise on how to fix it - an down't make the effort. That just makes him an idiot!

 

Thanks for your continued support.

[Ariadne]

he feels I am emasculating him - I cried, he told me he loved me, I said I didn't believe him (actions vs. words) and he fell asleep...every time I open my wallet I cut his balls off - I was stunned

 

Still,

 

As life goes... even if he enjoyed all the things you paid for, he will have to see the reality that you were just being noble and that is going to affect him much more.

 

The fact that he was taking, and not so much the fact that he was enjoying.

[Ariadne]

Not sure he was as evil as all that - but that is basically the end result.

 

Funny thing is that the broken relationshp with his son really upsets him, but he won't take any advise on how to fix it - an down't make the effort. That just makes him an idiot!

 

Thanks for your continued support.

 

Yes, the end result.

 

That's why this time is important. A lot of truths will be revealed.

 

Because behind all of that, you paying, his laziness, a lot of feelings may have grown deep.

 

Still to see.

[Ariadne]

we spent 2 weeks in Israel, a place I've been to many times before, his first trip... He was always walking way ahead of me (with our guide), never checking on me, etc.

 

(Btw, even if he acted that way... if he had never been in Israel, he must be worshiping the floor you step on secretly. It must have been an experience of a lifetime. My ex husband is Israeli and I know how it is there).

[curiousnycgirl]

(Btw, even if he acted that way... if he had never been in Israel, he must be worshiping the floor you step on secretly. It must have been an experience of a lifetime. My ex husband is Israeli and I know how it is there).

 

Indeed I don't think he realized just how significant an impact Israel has on people - especially Jerusalem. While Israel was definitely my idea (got a deal on the hotels through a fund raising auction) - I did check with him and he was amenable - but there is no doubt he got more out of it. Not that I have an issue with that - like I said I've been there many times.

 

I don't think he worships the ground I walk on though - apparently the fact that I speak the language and he doesn't put him at an uncomfortable disadvantage. male ego and all.

[Ariadne]

I don't think he worships the ground I walk on though..

 

Well,

 

Good luck with it all. Hope it all works out alright.

 

Hugs. {{{CNYCG}}}

[curiousnycgirl]

thanks Ariadne - I appreciate the support I really do.

[curiousnycgirl]

Ok so here I sit crying my eyes you. With no where to turn but here - I'm sorry guys but you are my lifeline at the moment.

 

How can I have loved someone so completely who essentially ended up hating me? Sure he said he loved me (when I was crying my eyes out Friday night) but his actions over the past 6 months scream otherwise. And how can he just say those words and not even attempt to back them up? Had he tried to say ok I'm sorry I'll behave better - then I would have stayed. All I said was I can't take him hurting me anymore. At no time di dhe say ok I won't.

 

I'm just stunned - how can this be? How can I possibly ever feel worthy? How have I been reduced to this? How can I possibly be so repulsive that the man I love can take such advantage?

 

I'm a mess I need a quick fix to make this go away because I can't take it.

[Ariadne]

I'm a mess I need a quick fix to make this go away because I can't take it.

 

Can you call him?

 

[curiousnycgirl]

call him for what purpose?

[GrayClouds]

Sorry NCYG it is very difficult.

 

And how can he just say those words and not even attempt to back them up?

Because it is likely he cared but did not have the skills to make change. One of the reason he was attracted to you. You had the ability to make things happen for him, the ability to create change in his life. He become dependent on you to find solutions for him. When it came down to something he had to do himself, he did not know how to do it.

 

I'm just stunned - how can this be? How can I possibly ever feel worthy?

 

You feel worth because you loved deeply, our worth is define not be the end result but by the effort. You are the same person you were 2 years ago the only thing that has change is your perspective.

 

How have I been reduced to this? How can I possibly be so repulsive that the man I love can take such advantage?

Your complicating your perspective by defining yourself by his response. Part of the dynamic of the relationship has been based on this. I suspect as you found solutions to his problems or created good things in his life, it gave you worth. The more you saw your positive influence on his life, the better you felt about yourself. Though you would feel disrespectful if he did not appreciate your effort as much as you felt he should. He begin to feel he owed you everything and became depressed with himself for being impotent in his own life and blaming you for it.

 

Fixer's intent appears good but often there is a unwritten contract that I will fix your problem you will love me for it and do what I say

How I'm a mess I need a quick fix to make this go away because I can't take it.

 

Likely there is not quick fix but I would tell you to focus on yourself, which i suspect has always been that you have work hard to avoid, one of the reason why fixing other peoples problems has been a helpful distraction. I would say the first couple of things to do is start a hard core exercise program and then start shopping for a helpful therapist.

 

If you were your own best friend how would you fix it for her?

 

I suspect first you would say, "be kind to yourself it will be hard but you will be ok"...and that would be true.

Edited December 7, 2009 by GrayClouds

[GrayClouds]

Can you call him?

 

I think she was joking otherwise it is very bad advice

[curiousnycgirl]

GrayClouds -

 

Thank you again, as before you are making really good points. I guess my challenge is if he began to resent me, why didn't he say something? At any point he could have said you know - I don't feel comfortable doing that, or having you pay for that, or whatever.

 

The problem I am having is reconciling the way he has been treating me with his words. I told him that it was now clear that he was carrying a lot of anger towards me, to which he said well it's not at you, and I said regardless you take it out on me and I cannot stand to be hurt by you in this manner anymore - and he didn't say a word!

 

OMG I'm tortured. I just keep wondering what I could have done differently - because reality is I will always be a giving person. I don't even seek reciprocity!

 

BTW we were in therapy until about April 2008 - when I fired the shrink (who I had been seeing for years before even meeting my ex). I agree I need to find a new one.

 

I am at least starting to take care of myself. Been in a lot of pain, which has increased as of late, and apparently I've torn my pec - so will be seeing the physical/sports/rehab medicine dr. this week. Til I resolve that - I cannot do all that much more activity - but I agree exercise would do em a world of good.

[curiousnycgirl]

Forgot to mention - I suffer a number of stress induced problems that have also resolved since this all hit the fan. I've been so upset, for so long, that I didn't even make the connection to him!

 

OY

[GrayClouds]

I guess my challenge is if he began to resent me, why didn't he say something? At any point he could have said you know - I don't feel comfortable doing that, or having you pay for that, or whatever.

 

I suspect he is not a real assertive guy while you have seldom been called shy. Plus on many levels he liked being taking care of but deep down side he know he was abdicating his life.

 

The problem I am having is reconciling the way he has been treating me with his words. I told him that it was now clear that he was carrying a lot of anger towards me, to which he said well it's not at you, and I said regardless you take it out on me and I cannot stand to be hurt by you in this manner anymore - and he didn't say a word!

 

They say depression is anger turn inward. He has been angry for a long time but likely never developed quality skills to deal with it effectively without hurting himself and those around them.

 

OMG I'm tortured. I just keep wondering what I could have done differently - because reality is I will always be a giving person. I don't even seek reciprocity!

 

It no longer matters right now what matter is what you can do now for and about yourself. You are the person that matter now. I know that makes you uncomfortable which may be something to work on when...

 

BTW we were in therapy until about April 2008 - when I fired the shrink (who I had been seeing for years before even meeting my ex). I agree I need to find a new one.

 

Find one that does not make you feel better but pushes you to be better. They are hard to find.

 

I am at least starting to take care of myself. Been in a lot of pain, which has increased as of late, and apparently I've torn my pec - so will be seeing the physical/sports/rehab medicine dr. this week. Til I resolve that - I cannot do all that much more activity - but I agree exercise would do em a world of good.

 

There is always walking, a lot of walking:laugh: If it is a tear, swimming?