New development... assistance?

[Unistudent]

Hi everyone,

So I am in a LDR and she is an ocean away from me. This is fairly new to both of us (about two months in) and it is extremely hard right now because she is without internet and has been for 22 days. She still goes to the library every day to write to me and chat over gmail so it has been bearable.

 

OK I will get to the point now... She has had this friend that she has known online for around 7 years and they have never hung out or anything... so on Thursday her friend drove 13 hours to come and spend a week with her.. staying at her mom's place with them. We talked about this before he got there and she assured me that there was nothing between them other than friendship and that there had never been anything between them.

 

I originally thought that he was flying down to see her... and then I found out the day that he was going to get there that he was DRIVING down... that kind of set off a gut feeling for me that that wasn't right/normal... but I buried that feeling and chose to just trust her with it. She told me not to worry or anything and that she would still write me an email on Friday and on Saturday to let me know how things were going.

 

So Friday came. No email. No big deal. I assumed that she must have been too busy or something.

 

Today (Sat) came. No email again... a little worried. I have been burned before so I put my detective skills to work and found a posting on a myspace like page where she wrote on his wall that she loved him and missed him so much with lots of xxxxxxxx's and that much of the conversation from her to him resembled a lot of how she writes to me. This was posted over 20 weeks ago... but either way she must have been lying about there not being any history between the two of them right?

 

I am not being crazy am I? I know that I get jealous very easily... soo I am not sure and need an outsiders opinion. Also she knew how I was feeling about her friend staying with her for a week... and to not write to me for two days after promising to... I think that is a little mean.

 

Hmmm... I just read through my post and I sound like a chick... (no offense) but... Yeah I don't know. I just really really like this girl.

 

Thoughts? Suggestions? Comments?

thank you!

[JaggedRoad]

End things now before you get hurt.

[Rollercoasterr]

Okay, having recently witnessed something like this I feel like I can give you some perspective. Now, that doesn't mean you're going to like it.

 

My fiance drove down here in September. One of his friends had a girlfriend(notice the HAD) who played WoW a lot. She meets this guy on there and says that she wants to learn English so she's going to come visit him here in the states. So she hitches a ride with Mathew. The whole time I'm going crazy because I know what's going on. She's Canadian, she's not from some long lost foreign country where they don't speak english at all. She didn't have to come down here for that. She came down here to see that boy because she was cheating on her boyfriend with him. Needless to say, she broke up with her boyfriend after being in the States for about a week and started dating her "friend".

 

When things like this happen, you can be 95% certain there is more to it than what you think/know/want to know. There's that lonely 5% that are actually faithful and honest, but more often than not it spells disaster.

 

I would be very, very cautious if I were you.

[JaggedRoad]

Uni, you really need to listen. I know the new love feeling is great, but you will end up hurt.

[Unistudent]

Thank you two for your advice.

 

I will be ending things next time I talk to her.

 

:/

Thanks again.

[carvidep]

Thank you two for your advice.

 

I will be ending things next time I talk to her.

 

:/

Thanks again.

 

Unistudent, best of luck to you. I agree with the other posters here. All of the information you have along with her breaking her promise to e-mail you under those circumstances point to her being unfaithful to you.

 

Keep your chin up and do what you need to do for yourself. We're all here for you no matter what happens.

[Unistudent]

Thanks.

This was the worst possible weekend for this to happen too... I have a crap load of work due this week along with term papers/presentations that take up a large portion of my final grade.... but I guess I am the only one to blame for getting myself into this mess.

 

Don't flame me for this... but I always try to look for the best in people... so should I give her the benefit of the doubt? By no means am I excusing anything that I have found out or her being insensitive by not emailing... but should I not hear what she has to say about this whole thing before I ultimately decide to break everything off with her?

 

I think I should. I mean it won't really be doing me any harm and if things are how they look than I will know that for sure.

 

I have already written a huge break up email to her... and won't be sending it until I know for sure if what looks to be 90% obvious is actually true.

 

I am thinking realistically and by no means will I be taking in some bs excuse for anything. I will be weighing what she says carefully... and she will be getting a piece of my mind.

I told her before we started any of this that I wasn't playing around or anything, that this was serious for me and I didn't want to be wasting my time... I told her that if there was anything going on with anyone else or that if she liked someone else even remotely... just tell me and that would be that... so I could move on.

 

So really either this girl is very very cold hearted and enjoys stringing guys along... and also a very good actress, she is really F'ed in the head or I am completely wrong in what I have seen.

 

Should she get the benefit of the doubt from me? Should I hear her out or just hit Send on my email and be done with it?

[JaggedRoad]

Thanks.

This was the worst possible weekend for this to happen too... I have a crap load of work due this week along with term papers/presentations that take up a large portion of my final grade.... but I guess I am the only one to blame for getting myself into this mess.

 

Don't flame me for this... but I always try to look for the best in people... so should I give her the benefit of the doubt? By no means am I excusing anything that I have found out or her being insensitive by not emailing... but should I not hear what she has to say about this whole thing before I ultimately decide to break everything off with her?

 

I think I should. I mean it won't really be doing me any harm and if things are how they look than I will know that for sure.

 

I have already written a huge break up email to her... and won't be sending it until I know for sure if what looks to be 90% obvious is actually true.

 

I am thinking realistically and by no means will I be taking in some bs excuse for anything. I will be weighing what she says carefully... and she will be getting a piece of my mind.

I told her before we started any of this that I wasn't playing around or anything, that this was serious for me and I didn't want to be wasting my time... I told her that if there was anything going on with anyone else or that if she liked someone else even remotely... just tell me and that would be that... so I could move on.

 

So really either this girl is very very cold hearted and enjoys stringing guys along... and also a very good actress, she is really F'ed in the head or I am completely wrong in what I have seen.

 

Should she get the benefit of the doubt from me? Should I hear her out or just hit Send on my email and be done with it?

 

There's no shame in looking for the best in people, but you just have to be careful. I'd say give her the benefit of the doubt, but keep your guard up. Best of luck to you =)

[Rollercoasterr]

Honestly, I would not give her the benefit of anything. You already found evidence that there was once something between them when she told you she wouldn't. He DROVE down to spend a week with her at her parents house(he should have been in a hotel or with someone else since she has a boyfriend), she promised to email for 2 days and didn't. Has she emailed you yet??? If something wasn't going on she wouldn't care to email you and tell you that she's okay and maybe details of what they've been doing. But you've gotten nothing. You can guarantee that even if she wont tell you (and she wont) there is something going on.

 

I would absolutely tear down Mathew's house if something like this were happening. He would tear mine down too. We just don't do that.

 

Any reason why you couldn't have called her to see what the deal was?

[Unistudent]

I am in Canada... just like your SO... but she is in the UK. So the long distance call thing would be quite expensive... and as a student I can't really afford any of that right now. Also it is pretty early in the 'relationship' so I don't want to seem needy or anything like that.

 

I have basically made up my mind now... I don't think I will be continuing anything with her anymore.

 

The fact that she still hasn't emailed me is really bugging me. She normally emails me around noon so I will let you guys know if she does by then or not. I have to leave for school in a few minutes so I can't wait up for her email anymore.

 

The main thing for me now is to just see what she says to me... if anything...

 

It just baffles me how someone can flat out lie to you... and even when you give them a chance to just be like... 'oh this isn't something serious for me'... or anything like that they choose to just tell you that they are in it for the long run.

 

Ugh... I don't know why some people need to be two-faced... it really isn't fair to those of us who are actually looking for something concrete. If this is all as it seems she has basically led me into caring for her more than I should... with knowledge that she actually didn't want anything after all. I

 

Anyways... I am severely bummed out and now have to go to school to do a presentation... :/

 

Oh well this is life.

[Unistudent]

So I did not get an email today (monday).

I forgot that it was Monday and that the library isn't open on mondays in her town.

 

However... I did get a text from her... well a few actually.

One was telling me about how they went to see Paranormal Activity (I told her about it before and how it was a little creepy) she asked how I was... no sorry or anything for not emailing me.

Second one was later on... she thought I didn't respond which I did. I asked her if either of them messed themselves... lol... and I said that 'I am alright I guess'

So in her message she said she was going to get some sleep and that she misses me so much and that she loves me with all of her heart and to have sweet dreams and that I am gorgeous.

I sent one back saying that we need to talk tomorrow and that I did respond.

 

 

SOo... yeah.... I don't really know what to be thinking... hints? please?

 

Also I have already gotten her an xmas present... I dont have any use for it and I can't return it... what should I do? send it anyways?

 

thanks

[Sadgati]

I think you are too eager and too available. I give people the benefit of the doubt too and there is nothing wrong with that. But, you saw her lie to you, you can't trust her. Next time she texts or emails don't reply. If she loves you soooo much, she would be thinking of you and trying to make contact with you every chance she got and you wouldn't be forgotten for days. She lied to you!! You saw the love yous she wrote to him. You saw her telling him the same lines she told you. She is playing both of you. Go find another girl to date, go out with, goof off with, talk to....leave her wondering where you are.

 

I take offense at your chick comment since it was meant to be unflattering to females. You sound like every guy and every gal who is possessed with the one they think they love. Read the forums and you will find all the emotions, doubts, worries are just the same male or female. They ask for suggestions or advice and are given it. Then they choose to take it or ignore it.

 

I suggest you find another girl and go out with her and just ignore this one. Go out with her another girl as a friend if you want. You don't have to mislead her. Don't sit at home worrying while she is out playing around having fun. IF you talk to her again you will be able to talk about all the people you hung out with and all the things you did while she was with her 'friend'. Don't sit home alone!!!!!!!!!!

[Unistudent]

Yes I guess my comment was not appropriate. Sorry.

 

Anyways. So an update on my situation. I talked to her about an hour ago. I explained how I felt and asked her to explain some things to me.

 

She told me that on Friday school was really busy and she didn't have a chance to get on the computer then... understandable. She also reminded me that she got her tattoo Friday night (across her bell at the hip line I think) and on Saturday she said that she was in a lot of pain and couldn't really do much of anything let alone walk to the library. So that made sense to me.

 

As for the way she talked to her friend... she said the he is her best friend and that they have known each other for over 7 years... and that is just how she would talk to him... she said that she understood how it looked and assured me that there was nothing to read into there... and that there never would be/has been anything between the two of them.

 

OK at that point I was thinking... well the not contacting me thing made sense but... but this whole thing just doesn't make any sense. I told her that I have never talked to my friends like that... and asked her how she would feel if she found me talking to someone like that and then found out that they drove all the way to my town to stay with me for a week. She said that she would be furious.

 

There wasn't much else to the conversation. I'm still not sure what I will be doing... I told her that I would have to think about it...

 

I later said that since her friend is her best friend then I should probably befriend him as well... since he is obviously important to her. She said that sounded like a good idea.

 

Hmm... thoughts anyone?

[Rollercoasterr]

I think you're going to become her doormat. She's giving you excuses and you're eating them up like it's the best pie you've ever tasted. I've had guy friends in the past and would never talk to them like that. EVER. Especially not if I was dating someone else.

 

Regardless of what her excuses were, this is a MAN staying with YOUR GIRLFRIEND and she didn't let you know anything for almost a WEEK. What do you think they did? Played scrabble? Riggghhhht. If she loved you and missed you so much then she would have and could have found a way. Does she have no other friends besides her internet one? This is the technology age. Almost everyone has a computer. Heck, my GRANDPARENTS have a computer.

 

The only thing that will come out of you befriending this guy is that they're both going to laugh at you together. You can be 100% sure that something is going on between them. Make no mistake about it. She's lied to you in the past, which was actually your beginning. When you start the beginning of a relationship off with lies what do you think it'll end with? More lies.

 

I'm sorry to be so blunt and honest about it, but I've seen too many people in my own life and on this forum be burnt the exact same way that you're about to be burnt. I'VE been burnt this way. I don't want to see anyone else go through that.

 

Honestly, the fact that you're so eager to believe her troubles me more than anything. You're all gung-ho about ending this, but then when she gives you the slightest notion that she's alive you're back to being her lap-dog. And yeah, that's what you're acting like. She can treat you the way she wants, but once she shows you the slightest attention you're happy as a lark. Remember that this is the beginning of your relationship and you're already having problems. Don't get yourself more invested in her emotionally because it WILL hurt worse in the end.

 

Also, while I'm thinking about it, does any of her family or friends know about you? Does the friend know about you?

Edited December 8, 2009 by Rollercoasterr

[hoping2heal]

Hi everyone,

So I am in a LDR and she is an ocean away from me. This is fairly new to both of us (about two months in) and it is extremely hard right now because she is without internet and has been for 22 days. She still goes to the library every day to write to me and chat over gmail so it has been bearable.

 

OK I will get to the point now... She has had this friend that she has known online for around 7 years and they have never hung out or anything... so on Thursday her friend drove 13 hours to come and spend a week with her..

 

Okay, I'm going to stop you right there. What in the HAIL? When is this behavior EVER acceptable? I will tell you what, never! You two are in an LDR, and she has her friend she has known 7 years who is willing to drive.. THIRTEEN HOURS to spend time with her come there? Um, this isn't good. I have been in this situation, and the only reason he would drive that distance is because he had feelings and wanted to date me. Now, true it wasn't mutual- I didn't feel the same way back, but if I have a boyfriend it is so NOT okay to have ANOTHER GUY drive thirteen hours to spend a week with me. Okay, now I will read on.

 

s

taying at her mom's place with them. We talked about this before he got there and she assured me that there was nothing between them other than friendship and that there had never been anything between them.

 

I originally thought that he was flying down to see her... and then I found out the day that he was going to get there that he was DRIVING down... that kind of set off a gut feeling for me that that wasn't right/normal... but I buried that feeling and chose to just trust her with it.

Look honey, If I see my partner coming at me with a chloroform soaked rag, and I already saw the chainsaw, the tarp, and the shallow grave- but he swears he's not going to hurt me- no way in hail am I going to just "trust him with it".

 

She told me not to worry or anything

 

 

Ohhhh yeah, I'm sure she did!

 

and that she would still write me an email on Friday and on Saturday to let me know how things were going.

 

So Friday came. No email. No big deal. I assumed that she must have been too busy or something.

 

Oh yeah, I bet she was busy. Busy being shady.

 

Today (Sat) came. No email again... a little worried. I have been burned before so I put my detective skills to work and found a posting on a myspace like page where she wrote on his wall that she loved him and missed him so much with lots of xxxxxxxx's and that much of the conversation from her to him resembled a lot of how she writes to me. This was posted over 20 weeks ago... but either way she must have been lying about there not being any history between the two of them right?

 

She was allowing another man to drive THIRTEEN hours to stay THE WEEK with her. OF COURSE she was lying. WHO does that??? Oh ****, alright I ALMOST did that once. But believe me, **** son I was f*cked up then big time and hardly suitable to be dating. So hey now, I know what I am talking about here

 

I am not being crazy am I? I know that I get jealous very easily... soo I am not sure and need an outsiders opinion. Also she knew how I was feeling about her friend staying with her for a week... and to not write to me for two days after promising to... I think that is a little mean

 

A little mean? How about, completely disrespectful of you, your feelings, your relationship. How about a straight up ****ty thing to even have this guy come down- forget not writing you- this was effed up from GO, before that point.

 

Hmmm... I just read through my post and I sound like a chick... (no offense) but... Yeah I don't know. I just really really like this girl.

 

Thoughts? Suggestions? Comments?

thank you!

 

Listen son, I know you like her but she doesn't like you. I mean she doesn't like you enough to care about your feelings and have some sensitivity towards them, so this is a lost cause. You are going to get brutalized by her if you don't come to your senses.

[hoping2heal]

Yes I guess my comment was not appropriate. Sorry.

 

Anyways. So an update on my situation. I talked to her about an hour ago. I explained how I felt and asked her to explain some things to me.

 

She told me that on Friday school was really busy and she didn't have a chance to get on the computer then... understandable. She also reminded me that she got her tattoo Friday night (across her bell at the hip line I think) and on Saturday she said that she was in a lot of pain and couldn't really do much of anything let alone walk to the library. So that made sense to me.

 

Okay, sit down and let's have a little chat. I had open surgery last year- the vhentilator tube made my throat so sore I could hardly speak a word. My ass was on the phone with my bf like PRONTO. It hurt like HELL, and my mom had to basically hold the phone up for me. Now TRUE he called me, not the other way around BUT I could of chosen to NOT take the call- considering how much pain I was in EVERYWHERE- this was BEFORE they set up my morphine drip. And this little thing got a tatoo and was too sore to talk to you? Oh please. I also had my wisdom teeth out a few months ago- again sore as hell- you better believe I talked with my boyfriend- it was limited but STILL.

 

I have read your other posts and let me tell you something, okay? First of all, allowing yourself to be in denial when someone is bluntly screwing you over, because you are too damn afraid of what admitting the truth of their actions is does not mean you give someone the benefit of the doubt. That is all you are doing with this girl. Gee, did she blow off her "friend" that she loves and misses xoxoxoxoxo because her little hip hurt? Of course she didn't.

 

As for the way she talked to her friend... she said the he is her best friend and that they have known each other for over 7 years... and that is just how she would talk to him.

 

God, the irony. Okay, so I had a friend I knew strictly online for 7 years before we met too. I NEVER talked to him like "Oh I love you, Oh I miss you" that NEVER happened. Yes, he'd told me at times he loved me, he told me he was in lvoe with me, he'd told me he missed me etc. But I NEVER returned that - secondly, really? I mean, you want a girl who is like this with other men at the same time she is dating you? Come on now.

 

.. she said that she understood how it looked and assured me that there was nothing to read into there... and that there never would be/has been anything between the two of them.

 

Yeah? Well, she also said she would communicate to you via email and never did it.

 

OK at that point I was thinking... well the not contacting me thing made sense but... but this whole thing just doesn't make any sense. I told her that I have never talked to my friends like that... and asked her how she would feel if she found me talking to someone like that and then found out that they drove all the way to my town to stay with me for a week. She said that she would be furious.

 

Oh? Really? So, if it would make HER furious- why is she putting YOU through it? It doesn't speak too highly of where HER head is at, that she would do something she wouldn't enjoy being done to her.

 

There wasn't much else to the conversation. I'm still not sure what I will be doing... I told her that I would have to think about it...

 

I later said that since her friend is her best friend then I should probably befriend him as well... since he is obviously important to her. She said that sounded like a good idea.

 

Hmm... thoughts anyone?

 

Son, if you asked her if it would be a good idea to be her bitch, she would say yes, that sounds like a good idea. Come on now. What is going on here?

[Unistudent]

I dont know how to do that quote thing so I am just going to answer/comment on the posts as they come.

 

Doormat? me? lol... maybe. I'm not so sure about that though. I mean I will admit that I am extremely hung up on this girl and it probably isn't too healthy for me... but I can't help it... honestly.

 

I don't think that I am eating up her excuses... I tried to see the logic behind the friday one and the saturday one... and they both make sense to me. The way she talked to her friend a year ago isn't right though.

 

The week that he is there isn't up yet... he is leaving on thursday. Trust me it has been horrible thinking about what MAY be going on... It hasn't been fun for me. She moved recently so she doesn't have many friends close by no. andd yeah I know its another guy staying with her... and it sucks... but she says hes her best friend... :/

 

I really appreciate everyone's honesty on this site. It's what I want to hear and I would hope that others would as well... rather than just an 'everything is fine' talk.

 

I think I am eager to believe her because I care for her so much that it is ridiculous... and I have never cared this much for anyone this fast ever before.

 

I was gung-ho about ending it before... but I wanted to hear what she had to say about it... and most of it made some sense to me.

 

If I decide to stay in this with her there aren't going to be any more strikes... shes had two so far so one more and I will drop it no matter how I feel.

 

Mmmhmm I have talked to her mom before on cam... and I believe that her uncle knows about us... but I am not completely sure. As for her friends I think most of them know... the ones that are close by anyways...

 

lol really? after surgery? wow that is commitment!

Ohh we don't talk on the phone or anything... it would be way to expensive for either of us right now. The thing with the tattoo is that its on her lower belly so... any type of walking movement would prob cause friction and burn like hell (having to walk all the way to the library... I think its like 20 min away). So that's why I was understanding about that.

 

No I wont put up with her talking to anyone but me like that. See these conversations with her friend were like... a year and a half to 2 years before I met her... but I still don't like it and she knows that now. I haven't seen anything of her talking to anyone like that now.... I really hope that she isn't and I feel like she probably isn't but I will explain that later on though.

 

Ugh... whats going on is that I am... infatuated. :/

Sorry if I have been sounding defensive... not meant to sound like that... just posting my thoughts on your posts. Thank you all for you comments... it's helping me work through what I need to do.

 

OK even more new development.

So after like a month the internet got hooked up at her new place. All I can say is that it feels better talking to her now.

Don't flame me right away guys!

lol

Umm... So I would think that if something was going on between her and her friend they would be sleeping in the same room no? Well I talked to her for quite a bit tonight... she is around 5 hours ahead of me so she really left at around 4 am... to go to sleep after falling asleep a few times in bed on cam while talking to me...

 

I don't know guys....

 

Well either way I am going to be trying to tone down my contact with her... because really I agree and think that I am becoming dependent on her.. and that isn't something that I want.

 

Please more comments if there are any... critically looking at this and trying to snap some sense into me is also welcome... if that is what is needed here.

 

Thanks again for the posts.

[Rollercoasterr]

Now hold up. In your original post you said the comments were made 20 WEEKS ago. That's 5 months ago, which would have made it 3 before you. Now which is it?

 

What you choose to do with your own life is your business. Clearly you don't take anything we say into consideration. Why would you? We're only strangers on an internet forum that's involved in LDR's who may or may not have also been in the same situation. Pfft. We might as well be talking about apples and oranges.

 

All I can say from here is good luck and you better get some armor for your heart cause you know, we know, and she knows where this is all going. No where. You're going to get hurt, and I can guarantee it'll be from this same guy. But whatever. This is your life, your choices and all we can do is give you an outsiders point of view.

 

But I'll tell you this! 2 months is an extremely short amount of time for her to already have 2 STRIKES. LDR or not. Most of our SO's don't even have ONE. And as far as the comment about hoping2heal being committed, you're damn right she is. To be in a SUCCESSFUL LDR you have to be commited, you have to communicate and you have to be able to trust your partner 20000%. You don't have any of that in your relationship, dear.

 

Oh, and ever heard of a little thing called SKYPE? That works wonders for most of our couples here.

 

As for sleeping with the guy....I wont even touch that one. But seriously...if you can't see the signs and the warning signals, this is all on you.

Edited December 9, 2009 by Rollercoasterr

[Unistudent]

Mmhmm... I meant to write that it went as far back as 2 years.... but I also did forget about how close it was to when we first met.... which is a huge issue for me right now.

 

You can't say that I am not taking anything you guys say into consideration... you have no idea what I am going through in my head right now. I am trying to work out my feelings and make a decision based on those feelings. I know this is all on me and that I am going to have to live with which ever decision I make.

 

I don't see people on here as strangers... more like counselors.

 

:/ I get what your saying though and I do value your experience/opinions.

 

I am going to have to put all of this to rest right now though. I have exams next week and need to be concentrating on those. Need to put this whole thing on hold.

 

Thanks again

 

and when I do make the decision I will pop back in here to let you all know.

 

One question though. I know that trust is gained... how do you go about gaining trust in a LDR?

[torranceshipman]

Hey UniStudent, you sounds like a lovely guy, committed, willing to be in a LTR, willing to see the best in people, etc - just make sure the girl you end up with is just as lovely. Unfortunately, she isn't treating you respectfully. Lets consider for a moment that she is telling the truth about the friend, tattoo, etc...if she respected you, she'd be falling over herself to text you to say in advance why you wouldn't be getting an email. She'd be following up with you how you felt about the male friend visiting the whole time, in case you were worried about it - she'd do all that because she would be really respectful of your feelings. To be fair in many cases I would have expected a girl to decide against such a visit in case it upset her boyfriend.

 

But as it is, she left you with no email for an entire weekend, knowing that you were waiting for one every day, and didn't even explain why, until you expressly asked her. Having a girlfriend that doesn't respect you isn't a good thing. You also have to ask yourself why she is suddenly acting in a disrespectful way.

 

Now, imagine that some of what she told you isn't true (we don't know for sure). It is quite possible that a guy driving 13 hours to visit her and staying in her family house for a whole week, after multiple 'i love you, i miss you xxxx' messages on MySpace...being logical, that sounds like they are a couple. Especially as her mom and dad probably wouldn't let some random 'friend' be their guest all this time if he wasn't someone significant.

 

I know its tough because how can you get the truth when you guys are so far away from each other....? Maybe asking her straight up, and even asking him (can you see his myspace page too?) might be the way forward?

 

Also to answer your question about how you can earn trust in an LDR...easy - acting a way that engenders trust. You are doing this - she is doing the opposite.

Edited December 9, 2009 by torranceshipman
typo

[hoping2heal]

I dont know how to do that quote thing so I am just going to answer/comment on the posts as they come.

 

Doormat? me? lol... maybe. I'm not so sure about that though. I mean I will admit that I am extremely hung up on this girl and it probably isn't too healthy for me... but I can't help it... honestly.

 

I will agree that anytime you are so "hung up" on a person, you will throw all common sense and caution to the wind when they are in the midst of being shady to you, because you simply would rather be in denial. That isn't healthy.

 

I don't think that I am eating up her excuses... I tried to see the logic behind the friday one and the saturday one... and they both make sense to me. The way she talked to her friend a year ago isn't right though.

 

I think you are definately eating up her excuses. You are doing everything in your power to rationalise her behavior to the best of your ability, the biggest problem you have right now is you don't know HOW to possibly rationalise things with this other man who is in her life, but if there was a convinient way to do it- you'd have done that.

Secondly, her friend drove to see her right? Yep, he wouldn't want his wounded friend walking to the library right? No, so he would just drive her, right? If they were just friends he would be HAPPY to take her so she could KEEP HER WORD to her boyfriend, didn't happen though did it? So, now that "excuse" doesn't seem so plausible, huh? Make no bones about it - anyone in their right mind, okay so anyone IMHO in their right mind wouldn't do this ANYWAY- but let's propose they DID, they would care about their partner and KNOW how important it was to get that communication across to them.

 

 

 

The week that he is there isn't up yet... he is leaving on thursday. Trust me it has been horrible thinking about what MAY be going on... It hasn't been fun for me. She moved recently so she doesn't have many friends close by no. andd yeah I know its another guy staying with her... and it sucks... but she says hes her best friend... :/

 

You shouldn't even be in this position at all. You seem perfectly willing to tolerate someone treading all over your heart. Do you think it earns you brownie points? No. Respect goes right out the door when you let someone cross all over your boundaries and they don't "love and appreciate" you more for it,either. Don't delude yourself.

 

I really appreciate everyone's honesty on this site. It's what I want to hear and I would hope that others would as well... rather than just an 'everything is fine' talk.

 

I think I am eager to believe her because I care for her so much that it is ridiculous... and I have never cared this much for anyone this fast ever before.

 

Well, you are a down right fool if you don't believe you deserve someone caring about you BACK. What this girl is doing and putting you through is NOT respectful or caring. Again; in your last post she said she would hate this being done to her- but yet, she does it to you?? That doesn't set any red flags off for you??

 

I was gung-ho about ending it before... but I wanted to hear what she had to say about it... and most of it made some sense to me.

 

If I decide to stay in this with her there aren't going to be any more strikes... shes had two so far so one more and I will drop it no matter how I feel.

 

I don't know about that one cochise, she has already invited a man down to stay with her for a week, and she never bothered to keep in communication with you and KEEP HER WORD, and you are still here rationalising away at her behavior, I'm pretty sure she could slice and dice you at this point- and you'd find a way to "accept" it. If you can't walk away now with what is already OVER THE LINE, like WAY over the line of acceptable behavior- what makes you believe it will be any different at her next transgression?

 

 

lol really? after surgery? wow that is commitment!

 

Yes really, and commitment or not- the point is if you REALLY want to get something done, a damn tatoo doesn't stop you.

 

Ohh we don't talk on the phone or anything... it would be way to expensive for either of us right now. The thing with the tattoo is that its on her lower belly so... any type of walking movement would prob cause friction and burn like hell (having to walk all the way to the library... I think its like 20 min away). So that's why I was understanding about that.

 

Again, her friend was there, he had a car - he could of taken her. I can visualise every friend I have - and if they got tatoos and needed a ride to the library or WHEREVER, to write some communications with their boyfriend I would WANT to make sure they were able to do that.

 

No I wont put up with her talking to anyone but me like that. See these conversations with her friend were like... a year and a half to 2 years before I met her... but I still don't like it and she knows that now. I haven't seen anything of her talking to anyone like that now.... I really hope that she isn't and I feel like she probably isn't but I will explain that later on though.

 

Uhm, newsflash? She let a man drive THIRTEEN HOURS for HER. Let him STAY A WEEK WITH HER. Puh-lease! Talking to other guys is CHILDSPLAY compares to these ACTIONS.

 

Ugh... whats going on is that I am... infatuated. :/

Sorry if I have been sounding defensive... not meant to sound like that... just posting my thoughts on your posts. Thank you all for you comments... it's helping me work through what I need to do.

 

You may be infatuated, but it won't stop you from getting hurt. There was a poster with the U/N lovenoob awhile back. Different situation- but similiar sentiment- he was CLEARLY being lied too by his girlfriend and refused to believe it- even though many people pointed out the OBVIOUS contradictions she was always making and the obvious things that made no sense. He didn't want the truth so he up and left. You don't sound defensive- you sound like someone that doesn't want to believe what is going on.

 

OK even more new development.

So after like a month the internet got hooked up at her new place. All I can say is that it feels better talking to her now.

Don't flame me right away guys!

lol

Umm... So I would think that if something was going on between her and her friend they would be sleeping in the same room no? Well I talked to her for quite a bit tonight... she is around 5 hours ahead of me so she really left at around 4 am... to go to sleep after falling asleep a few times in bed on cam while talking to me...

 

Okay, the broad isn't dumb. Of COURSE she ISN'T going to hop in bed with the guy while camming with you simultaneously. That's like saying "so, the bank robber knew the security camera was on him, you wouldn't believe it..but! GASP he NEVER robbed the bank during those hours, isn't that just..mind boggling!!"

 

I don't know guys....

 

Well either way I am going to be trying to tone down my contact with her... because really I agree and think that I am becoming dependent on her.. and that isn't something that I want.

 

Please more comments if there are any... critically looking at this and trying to snap some sense into me is also welcome... if that is what is needed here.

 

Thanks again for the posts.

 

Sugar, I could try to snap sense into people on this site all day long, it rarely works. It has nothing to do with me at all, people will and are allowed to do whatever they please. It doesn't matter that the logic and common sense is pointed out clearly for them and everyone else to see. You will make whichever decision you want, but know this - it won't save you from getting hurt. It won't, when you choose to go down a bad road and ignore all obvious signs of danger- okay- do that- but you're still going to get hurt. There's no way aorund that- you already are going to be hurt to end things with her, but you're going to prolong and become more hurt- if you let yourself fall deeper into things.

[Miad's Princess]

The thing that also bothers me is that she left you with no email and when she did contact she didn't explain herself or apologise till you asked about it.

 

You say usually she emails everyday, this was a time she should have been making extra effort to get online to talk to you, since she had this other dude staying with her.

 

As others have said respect is important in a relationship. It is also a form of trust building, that and being reliable (as well as many more). But it seems from what you have wrote she lacks these traits.

[Unistudent]

Yeah I told her that it was pretty upsetting that she didn't make the effort to email me no matter what.... she said that she was really really sorry.... :/

 

So far yeah she hasn't been respectful to me in that manner...

 

Again this may just be my jaded view of things... but it seemed different yesterday. We were talking on cam and her friend was sitting on the couch by her on his laptop... and for every night after she got the internet she would stay up talking to me for hours while I did work on my end... So I really don't think anythings going on. Umm.. shes talked to me for 3 of 5 days that she would have been able to... so that isn't all that bad right? (friday and sat were the days that she didn't talk to me because of her reasons... I didn't think about him having a car... I don't know why I didnt think about that either... hrmmm I will be asking her about that tonight)

 

I haven't been able to fully look at this situation yet... like really analyze everything that has been doing on... because of all my school work. I will be done basically right before Xmas so... I will have a week after that to really pull everything together and figure out wth is going on.

 

I've told her that I don't trust her.... and that made her really sad.... but I also asked her if she could really blame me for not trusting her and she said no and that she understood it.

She knows that my friends think that things have been slightly sketchy (off) and that I am thinking the same thing... and that if anything else comes up that is odd than the relationship is done.

 

I really do think she cares about me a lot...

 

But again I am just going to wait for things to calm down a little bit so I can organize my thoughts and figure this all out.... who knows I may be unconsciously reassuring myself so that I don't break down during exams... we will see.

 

Well off to write up a presentation.

 

Thanks again for the advice you guys/gals.

[Unistudent]

Alright!

I've had enough!

 

Another friend came down to go see a concert with her.... again didn't come online/text me the night before she was going to go there with him... and to make matters even worse... they were going to be staying in a hotel... and again just a friend...

WOW.... I really know how to pick em huh?

 

So yeah this was the last straw for me.

 

Thank you all for you advice and sorry that I didn't take it sooner. Everything is clear and obvious to me now.

 

I just wish I could have found someone that was worth my time and effort... and maybe my love.... oh well.

 

Hopefully the road to healing from this isn't too long... but either way I should be concentrating on my studies... not my happiness!

 

Thanks again.

:/

[hoping2heal]

Alright!

I've had enough!

 

Another friend came down to go see a concert with her.... again didn't come online/text me the night before she was going to go there with him... and to make matters even worse... they were going to be staying in a hotel... and again just a friend...

WOW.... I really know how to pick em huh?

 

So yeah this was the last straw for me.

 

Thank you all for you advice and sorry that I didn't take it sooner. Everything is clear and obvious to me now.

 

I just wish I could have found someone that was worth my time and effort... and maybe my love.... oh well.

 

Hopefully the road to healing from this isn't too long... but either way I should be concentrating on my studies... not my happiness!

 

Thanks again.

:/

 

 

I am proud of you for really holding your ground and sticking to it! It may hurt but, you are lucky! You found out EARLY on, not after a year, or 5 years, or 10 like SOME people really, trully do! Now, most of them have PLENTY of red flags during that time but choose to ignore them until something doubley major happens and they no they just can't anymore..they could be years in by that point depending. You see now what's in store and it isn't pretty!