gah! why?!

[Denamarie]

Gosh I feel so lame. I should know at 25 that if a guy says he doesn't want a relationship that he REALLY doesn't want a relationship.

 

I became friends with this guy about 2 years ago. He is about 32 super nice and has a great job, lives by himself, has goals...ya know all that good stuff that girls like in a guy.

 

I think I was deceived or something though. I mean after everyone saying girl don't be mean to him, don't lead him on. He did it to me!! I feel like I am one of those girls who can make a nice guy mean or something. I have yet to meet a guy that is actually what everyone says he is, ya know? same thing happened with the last guy I dated too. Everyone was telling me how sweet he is and that he would make such a great boyfriend and after about 3 months of dating he dumped me for his ex then tried to get back together with me.

 

So anyways about this current guy. We hung out as just friends for about a year and I knew he liked me because we have a mutual friend and he would always tell me how much this guy liked me. So about January of this year is when we really started to get to know eachother. He was really sweet and supportive during my pity party when I got laid off and then we just started hanging out a lot and joking about marriage and dating. He started holding my hand all the time and just always touching me and then whenever we went out he would always pay for me or ask if I wanted anything. It was really sweet. so around June I told him how much I liked him, I figured it was appropriate since we had been acting that way for about 6 months and he was like whoa! I don't want a relationship. So I said oh?! ok. Well I guess we should probably not date then. So then he went on to tell me how we were never dating, just friends.

 

I was so shocked. What a slap in the face. and how stupid i felt! OMG

so like an idiot I continued to be friends with him. but to be honest with you it just wasn't the same. I would find myself discussing it with him all the time. It was like I was obsessed. I think because i just couldn't believe it. So he ended up getting so mad at me for acting like this that he just completely stopped talking to me and then i felt even more stupid. Eventually he started talking to me (but I wish he had continued to not) because what happened later was even worse.

 

So he decided that he did actually like me, but that we weren't actually dating still. He had also shared with me one day that if I stopped talking to him even if he acted like a jerk that he probably wouldn't care....(I know this should of been a clue for me not to continue).

 

So after this I was (like a bumbling idiot) always setting up things for us to do and one day I told him you know I don't understand why you don't do anything for me...like ask me out on a date especially when you tell me you like me and act like you like me....oh geez then he went off like crazy talking about this one day we spent together where he helped me with my homework, and fixed my computer and stopped watching sports for me....pffft i was sooo offended

 

that day he was talking about....I went out of my way to hang out with him and told him that if I came over to spend time with him that he would have to help me with some research (which he didn't)

 

so I brought him starbucks that day and he hooked me up to the internet (not fixed my computer) then I did my homework by myself and he decided that the football game was not so awesome so it was ok to get lunch...so I offered to pay for lunch (not sure why)

 

but ya so after his little comment about how much he does for me I was so mad. I told him that he was a selfish ass hole and that he just needs to not talk to me anymore.(btw I never curse)

 

All my friends are telling me i should just let it go, but I just can't. I want answers. How can he have those other long term relationships and then with me act like this? I know he wasn't selfish before and that he was a lot nicer. So why with me would he act this way?

 

Maybe there really is something wrong with me. The last guy I dated told me I was too nice once...so maybe I am just way too nice, but then again I am still the same and now he is all mad because I don't talk to him all the time. So I don't know anymore.

 

Also I have school books at this guys house. I haven't talked to him for like 3 weeks now and I am totally afraid to call him and ask him for my books....for one thing I don't want him to think I am just making an excuse to see him and then also I am afraid he is going to be all cold towards me when I go to get them. Maybe i can see if he will just mail them ha!

Edited December 6, 2009 by Denamarie
wrong word

[outofthedark]

You need your schoolbooks and asking him to mail them probably wont work. For yourself, for your own future that has nothing to do with a man, go get them. For YOU. That is all about you alone and has nothing to do with a relationship but only your future.

Someone on these boards once told me to put my "big girl panties on" and stand up for myself. I am offering you the same advice.

As far as you pattern with men, sigh I cannot give you advice there. You have read some of my story. You see that I am in no position.. the only stand I have on men right now is that every single one I have ever been involved with has been deceptive in some form or another.

Someone also says here on the threads, we teach others how to treat us. So be kind to yourself and treat yourself how you want another to treat you. Without being mean to a guy but also never ever putting the guy first.

I hope that helps you.

[freestyle]

The previous poster's advice is spot on.

 

I'd like to add, that you'll only drive yourself absolutely crazy trying to

figure out a person who exhibits contradictory behaviors.............

 

...........like when what they say and what they actually do are in two different zip codes.

 

 

Essentially you've been involved with Mixed Message Man. (I've dated him too,and it drove me up a wall).

(I want you.......go away.......Hey, wait come back...........nah, go away)

 

Men (and women) like this will sit on the fence for so long, they'll have a tell-tale dent in their butt.

 

I'd like to believe that people like that aren't being deliberately mean,

I think in some cases it's the 'hot stove' analogy......burned once, or twice, and afraid to get back to cooking again. KWIM?

 

That just means they're not ready to open their hearts again, and unfortunately, a lot of people aren't aware enough to realize how much pain their waffling causes others. (cuz they're still too immersed in their own pain)

 

I once came across a quote that applies here:

 

"Never invest your heart in someone who has not yet triumphed over their past."

 

and another nugget of wisdom:

 

"Never invest your heart in someone who doesn't respect you enough to be direct with you........."

 

Hope this helps..........

[Denamarie]

"You need your schoolbooks and asking him to mail them probably wont work. For yourself, for your own future that has nothing to do with a man, go get them. For YOU. That is all about you alone and has nothing to do with a relationship but only your future.

Someone on these boards once told me to put my "big girl panties on" and stand up for myself. I am offering you the same advice."

 

 

Ha! ya. Well I have already contacted him for the books (last night), but I got scared because I was happy that I would be seeing him again and started having these feelings of hope. I think that is why I don't want to go over there. I am afraid that if he is nice to me I will get back together with him and if he is mean to me I will be upset.

 

I think that is where the whole him thinking I am coming over there just to see him comes into play....or him being cold to me.

 

I think I will just go get them and bring a friend with me so it doesn't give us any opportunity to talk.

[boogieboy]

Ha! ya. Well I have already contacted him for the books (last night), but I got scared because I was happy that I would be seeing him again and started having these feelings of hope.

 

We say the same thing time and time again on this board. Its a cold hard truth.

 

Its not that his heart isnt ready, or hes not ready to be in a relationship,

 

Its that he doesnt want to be in a relationship with YOU.

 

He's not attracted enough to deal with you if he takes it any further. He would never love you, you dont want to deal with that. He likes your attention, its a great ego boost. He needs someone to show him love while he waits for the next gf to come along. You wanna be his limbo company? How many guys did you turn down while you were waiting for this guy for a year?

 

Think about that before you get your books. Maybe you can look at him the way you should knowing that he KNEW you liked him, and he KNEW he would never like you, and he wasted your time anyway.

[WTRanger]

First things first, drop the victim role. He didn't do this to you, you did this to you. You allowed it to happen. So many times in your post you mentioned that you should have stopped, but you didn't. So if you permit it, you persist it. Believe me, I'm right in the middle of going through a similar situation as you are in. But I'm at about the 8 month mark, so I've learned a few things. I just have to remember to put them into practice.

 

Many times in the past I was told by girls that I was "too nice", but was I really? Not really, since deep down my niceness was loaded with heavy handed expectations. I'm now realizing that it is OKAY to rock the boat if something someone does bothers you. It is not okay to just bottle it up and act like nothing is wrong. That behavior is not nice, it is manipulative.

 

This is going to sound brutal, but we "nice guys" hear it all the time. NICE = BORING. Take this time to work on you and you alone. Do not allow him to control your emotions. This won't be a quick fix, as you have time invested in him.

 

But learn from this situation. Use it as a study platform to improve your future. Remember, nothing is ever a failure. It is only a failure if you do not learn anything from your experience. Understand, that life works in mysterious ways. Everything that happens is auspicious, meaning that it works for the greater good. You may not understand the good right now, but I assure you that you will see the good in this.

 

Remember, this time is now about you and you alone. You need to take what this guy says at face value. Don't try to make something out of it that this situation is not supposed to be. Take it for what it is and nothing else.

[Denamarie]

We say the same thing time and time again on this board. Its a cold hard truth.

 

Its not that his heart isnt ready, or hes not ready to be in a relationship,

 

Its that he doesnt want to be in a relationship with YOU.

 

He's not attracted enough to deal with you if he takes it any further. He would never love you, you dont want to deal with that. He likes your attention, its a great ego boost. He needs someone to show him love while he waits for the next gf to come along. You wanna be his limbo company? How many guys did you turn down while you were waiting for this guy for a year?

 

Think about that before you get your books. Maybe you can look at him the way you should knowing that he KNEW you liked him, and he KNEW he would never like you, and he wasted your time anyway.

 

hahaha OMg I have to admit when first reading this I was totally mad. like wtf? but ya you are totally right. I originally decided to go out with him because he was so nice and his nerdyness was completely out of the norm for me. I hate admitting this but I think my ego is just really hurt. I mean why doesn't he like me and find me completely desirable? He obviously has his heart set on someone else and was just getting a confidence boost having me around.

 

I know i will get over it I am just venting because I am totally mad about it.

 

Thanks boogieboy:bunny:

[boogieboy]

hahaha OMg I have to admit when first reading this I was totally mad. like wtf? but ya you are totally right. I originally decided to go out with him because he was so nice and his nerdyness was completely out of the norm for me. I hate admitting this but I think my ego is just really hurt. I mean why doesn't he like me and find me completely desirable? He obviously has his heart set on someone else and was just getting a confidence boost having me around.

 

I know i will get over it I am just venting because I am totally mad about it.

 

Thanks boogieboy:bunny:

 

If it makes you feel any better, he was prolly friend zoned by the women he had his heart set on - and she was wasting his time too.

 

Remember its not supposed to be hard to tell if someoone is into you, they will make it known, its supposed to be easy. Youre not supposed to be guessing about anything.

 

There is a way to be able to take rejection with a grain of salt, you just have to keep yourself distanced until you know the scoop.

Edited December 6, 2009 by boogieboy

[Denamarie]

If it makes you feel any better, he was prolly friend zoned by the women he had his heart set on - and she was wasting his time too.

 

Remember its not supposed to be hard to tell if someoone is into you, they will make it known, its supposed to be easy. Youre not supposed to be guessing about anything.

 

oh ya makes sense. I remember him telling me the last girl he dated was for two years. They were both different races and out here the hispanics typically stick to their own race and origin when dating and Because he was black her family flipped out and she decided to end the relationship. I originally thought this was the reason....but what would race have to do with me? I think it would be unfair practice to assume my family is racist as well. I really think, now that I am looking at the whole situation, that he just didn't like me as much as I thought. oh well.

[outofthedark]

I agree that "hope is the cruelest thing pandora ever let out of her box" Hope is what keeps me where I am even though I know deep inside, there is none. Freekin pandora!

[Denamarie]

I agree that "hope is the cruelest thing pandora ever let out of her box" Hope is what keeps me where I am even though I know deep inside, there is none. Freekin pandora!

 

For real....I need to be careful what I am hoping for. I was hoping for a response to an email and he wrote "not answering any more questions you can come get your books"

 

what a jerk...I told him he could have them. I don't need them anyways. Plus, I dont even want to look at his stupid grouchy face anymore it will just make me feel pathetic.

 

on top of that I drive a truck and he is kinda out of my way.