I just need to..

[torranceshipman]

Torrance.. not every OW is miserable.. Some choose to be the OW (like me) after having been in relationship most of their lives..

 

We get the best of both worlds.. we get him under his best behaviour.. the sex is incredible.. we have our own space and our own freedom..

 

I have my circle of friends (and great ones) and my family (that I adore) for special occasions.. my MMs are reserved for sex and other special moments.. this is how I like it..

 

I know many OWs who wouldn't change anything in their lives..

 

I don't want a full time man.. btdt.. no more.. Why would I settle for one.. when I can have soooo many... come on..

 

Lol true! But you have to admit you're probably an exception Lizzie!!!

[moaningmyrtle]

...that things have been a little off-track lately between my H and I.

 

To recap he had a long-standing A (of which I was unaware at the time), lasting 3.5 years that ended about 4 years ago when the OW ended it. Last year her own H died and she contacted my H again and I discovered my H and her attempting to restart the A. There was a massive d-day.

 

I said to my H that he could not continue with me if he was going to continue with her. I had no idea which choice he would make and truly believed my M was over because this OW had been in his mind for at least 7 years. The e-mails he wrote to her, expressing a profound love and deep level of intimacy, were unbearable for me to read. I spent about 6 months in a virtual stupor as every day I wished for a passive death to be visited on me.

 

Anyway my H ended the relationship with her and has literally "devoted" himself to rebuilding our marriage, family and relationship. Unfortunately my healing has not been as marked. I often wake up in a panic with heart palpitations and chest pain, often at about 3 in the morning. Questions pop into my head and I feel a strong urge to wake my H to ask him. At first I always did, but now I resist the urge most times but still every so often I do. He dislikes it but seems to have accepted it as part of my healing.

 

It happened again today and the question I so desperately wanted to ask him was about his own introspection during the past year and what he has discovered about himself. He answered it honestly (as he always tries to answer my questions - it's the "I don't remembers" that really bug me though). One of the things he mentioned is that before he had the A he had never really talked about his own feelings before with me or in previous relationships. However during the A he learned (with her I might add) that he had that capability within him and he practiced it (as I know from reading the e-mails).

 

He said d-day was catastrophic for him too and made him realise exactly what it was he had been risking in having the A. He will never say it was all false feelings with the OW. On the one hand this hurts me, but on the other I suppose I would not believe him if he suddenly said it was all a ruse to get into her pants. He maintains that he never stopped loving me too and that to him it never felt strange that he was in this position (yes I know he was a cake-eater). I'm not a BW who insists that the MM never loved the OW, and it does annoy me that some OW on this forum, level that particular accusation as a generalisation at all BWs.

 

I guess the thing is, is that for the past year he has been telling me of his feelings about all sorts of things and especially for me. This is not what he was like before so I have continually questioned this in my mind as being not the truth and just a ruse to stay married. As time passes I wonder how he keeps it up (in my dark moments).

 

I guess my own breakthrough at 3am was that it is in fact "him" and is real. Admittedly it was the OW that brought it out in him but he says it felt good at the time with her, and now it feels totally right with me.

 

I have decided that instead of doubting what he has repeatedly said (in the past year) about his feelings for me, I will accept them as being "real".

 

Here's a little anecdote for you. On Saturday night we went out to a short film festival. We were sitting at a table with strangers and across from us were 2 very attractive women probably both in their early 30s. We got chatting with them about a blog my H is doing. My H gave one of the women his blog card (these are just cards that look like business cards that I did as a bit of a joke). The other woman immediately asked for a card too and the first one gave him her card in return. I thought they probably both found him attractive.

 

I simply forgot about it until my H gave me the card next morning and I realised he thought I might be worrying about what he might do about this card.

 

One thing I'll say is that my impression is that the OW who do end up with their MM are those who put it bluntly to the MM that he cannot have both. Sure they might choose their W, 9 times out of 10, but if you don't insist that you will not stay with him unless you are chosen then he will continue with both as long as you allow it. If his W finds out she will most likely give him a similar ultimatum. I can assure you that both a BW and an OW honestly have no idea which he will choose, so giving the ultimatum is equally hard for both. I suspect the woman who gets in first with the ultimatum (which is to make a choice) is the one with the upper hand in this but I don't really know.

 

This is just my random thoughts really; hopefully not too far off topic.

 

Good luck with everybody's healing. I truly believe that bringing it out into the open is the best way of resolving affairs. Sure somebody will be hurt, and not all will get the level of closure they would ideally like, but one way or another there will be a resolution.

Edited December 7, 2009 by moaningmyrtle

[Fallen Angel]

Great thread. I have a rant. I'm so upset that I can't go hiking like I planned today because of the weather. I was so looking forward to a lovely picnic in the mountains, but no, now I'm stuck inside. I hate daytime TV. My client is out of town, so I won't hear back from them. So, here I am posting on LS and I'm pissed!!!!!!!!!!!

 

However, I will be all better in 2 hours when I meet my H for lunch.

 

I totally get that, I was stuck inside most of the weekend due to bad weather. UGH! Rain, cold (though much warmer than the midwest winters I moved from.. I have developed a southerners taste for warmer weather). All in all though I can't complain too much about it, at least I don't have to shovel snow this year!

[Fallen Angel]

...that things have been a little off-track lately between my H and I.

 

One of the things he mentioned is that before he had the A he had never really talked about his own feelings before with me or in previous relationships. However during the A he learned (with her I might add) that he had that capability within him and he practiced it (as I know from reading the e-mails).

 

He said d-day was catastrophic for him too and made him realise exactly what it was he had been risking in having the A.

 

I guess the thing is, is that for the past year he has been telling me of his feelings about all sorts of things and especially for me. This is not what he was like before so I have continually questioned this in my mind as being not the truth and just a ruse to stay married. As time passes I wonder how he keeps it up (in my dark moments).

 

I guess my own breakthrough at 3am was that it is in fact "him" and is real. Admittedly it was the OW that brought it out in him but he says it felt good at the time with her, and now it feels totally right with me.

 

I have decided that instead of doubting what he has repeatedly said (in the past year) about his feelings for me, I will accept them as being "real"..

 

I know it is very hard to admit that he learned to open up with someone other than you, and I am sure living through it was horrible. I am sorry that you ever had to experience that. But perhaps you need to remind yourself at times when you question it, that he had a choice, and he chose to spend the rest of his life being open with YOU.

 

I understand how horrible the constant need for reassurance feels. I was a BW myself for years. And I remember constantly comparing my marriage to his affairs. There is no comparison. (In my case he stayed because I was afraid to leave him, and he knew he always had it easy with me to take care of him, that is not how it is in your case. You set an ultimatium, and he chose YOU.) He chooses you every day. Remember that.

 

...I simply forgot about it until my H gave me the card next morning and I realised he thought I might be worrying about what he might do about this card..

 

That is but one proof that he is doing what it takes to try to heal your marriage from his horrible choices, now that he has made the right one, he is continuing to make the right ones. Remember that when you start to wonder. Perhaps you can start a notebook and write down all the little things he does everyday to be open and honest with you, and all the kind things he does and says to please you and prove his love. Then when you are feeling down, rather than question him, which makes you feel bad, you can just re-read some of them, until you feel better.

 

It sounds as though he loves you very much. Healing doesn't come overnight, but it will come, if that is something you both continue to work towards.

 

...This is just my random thoughts really; hopefully not too far off topic.

 

Not off topic at all. It is a random rant thread. I hope you feel better soon, and start to see more of the ways in which he proves his love. If you watch for them, you will see them. Hope you have a great holiday.

[Fallen Angel]

I make my g/f scream, does that count?

 

LMAO.. it sure does!

[Fallen Angel]

FA,

 

Hope you are feeling a bit better now.

 

I'm more of a reader than a poster, but as I can tell you are a good person at heart, felt inclined to post.

 

For myself, I walk alot of stress relief.

Love caring for the elderly, it's humbling to be able to help others.

It also remiinds me that my life isn't nearly as bad, afterall.

 

Go to a fitness room if you have access to one. Does wonders for stress.

Gets alot of good chemicals circulating.

 

If you are religious, just be quiet and in the moment, relax and ask GOD, for anything or just to be with you. We "all" fall short. It's ok.

 

Smile and take care....

 

Thank you for your kind and thoughtful post!

 

I think I will give that a try. I get up early every morning for a cup of coffee and a smoke before I wake the kids for school, perhaps tomorrow I will skip the smoke and take a walk instead! I can stand to shed a few (ok, more than a few) pounds anyway. Thanks again!! ((HUGS))

[Fallen Angel]

There is a lot of need to rant on this forum - OW's have a lonely, stressful life, cause their partner goes home to sleep with another woman and be with his family, in his home that he shares with them, every single night! Imagine your partner doing that-imagine the jealousy/upset. I'd want to rant every night if that's what I had to go through.

 

It is the worst time of year for it too, Thanksgiving and Christmas are real romantic, family times, and the OW has to cope with spending both without her man, and cope with the reality that he is spending it with his W and family. That is a really cold, lonely situation to be in, and must be miserable, no matter how positive a spin anyone tries to put on it.

 

I don't condone it, and I wish people would just move on to a healthier situation and see what a jackazz their MM probably is, but at the same time, I can understand how miserable they feel and appreciate the need for them to rant! Good to get that kind of stuff out of your system.

 

That kind of thing is stressful, and not just OW have stress in affairs.

 

Everyone involved is stressed, I think when I was a BW I was MORE stressed than I am now, even when I didn't know for sure that he was in another A.

 

After the A you find yourself constantly wondering if it will happen again, you question what it is about you that wasn't enough, you are angry at the WS and the tension is horrible both mentally and physically, sometimes for years.

 

Even WSs are stressed, imagine trying to juggle two (or more) partners. Their needs, both emotional and physical. The constant feeling of being pulled in opposite directions.

 

We all need to rant and rave sometimes.

[Fallen Angel]

I find this completely offensive and not at all true. There is no way I have ever acted or implied that any OW on this forum has had an affair with my H. My opinions are the same no matter who or what I am commenting on. It is a generalization to say that BW take their rage out on the OW's here. Truth is, most of us place the majority if not al the blame on our H's where it belongs.

 

HN,

 

I think Alpha was just trying to defend me, and prop me up. I don't think she meant you in particular, and I am sorry that what she said offended you. I value your posts, and your insights. Thanks for posting.

[Fallen Angel]

Fallen - always remember that sharing your happiness as an OW sets off every trigger in a BS reading your post. They view you as the OW in their own personal triangle, and will therefore set their rage on you.

 

Its not personal. Just consider the source(s) and ignore the comments accordingly.

 

Thanks Alpha,

 

I try not to take it personally, but sometimes I have trouble with that, and sometimes other people have trouble not taking what I say personally. But I value the input of everyone who posts, even if I don't agree with it. I am learning to take what I need, and leave the rest, like everything else it is a learning process, one that is taking me a little longer than I like I guess.

 

By the way, how have you been? I have missed you my friend. ((hugs))

[Fallen Angel]

I walk my dogs in the woods when I need to vent stuff and both of them answer to the name "F$"king Bast$&rd" when I shout it out loud (very very loud) in the woods - they come hurtling back to me wagging their tails and looking at me with eyes full of love (a pocketful of biscuits might have something to do with that!) It helps

 

So far I haven't had to confirm to anyone what the dogs are actually called......

 

great idea for a thread BTW

 

HMMM.. the only pet I have is a scraggly stray cat I took in that my kids have named YA-YA ( i have NO CLUE why) .. perhaps I need a dog!

[moaningmyrtle]

I know it is very hard to admit that he learned to open up with someone other than you, and I am sure living through it was horrible. I am sorry that you ever had to experience that. But perhaps you need to remind yourself at times when you question it, that he had a choice, and he chose to spend the rest of his life being open with YOU.

 

I understand how horrible the constant need for reassurance feels. I was a BW myself for years. And I remember constantly comparing my marriage to his affairs. There is no comparison. (In my case he stayed because I was afraid to leave him, and he knew he always had it easy with me to take care of him, that is not how it is in your case. You set an ultimatium, and he chose YOU.) He chooses you every day. Remember that.

 

 

 

That is but one proof that he is doing what it takes to try to heal your marriage from his horrible choices, now that he has made the right one, he is continuing to make the right ones. Remember that when you start to wonder. Perhaps you can start a notebook and write down all the little things he does everyday to be open and honest with you, and all the kind things he does and says to please you and prove his love. Then when you are feeling down, rather than question him, which makes you feel bad, you can just re-read some of them, until you feel better.

 

It sounds as though he loves you very much. Healing doesn't come overnight, but it will come, if that is something you both continue to work towards.

 

 

 

Not off topic at all. It is a random rant thread. I hope you feel better soon, and start to see more of the ways in which he proves his love. If you watch for them, you will see them. Hope you have a great holiday.

 

Thank you FA for your kind words - it's a good idea for me to essentially reflect and note the good things that are happening in our lives now. But it is still hard to overcome the many years of being lied to. We have always said in our family that my H is the eternal optimist whereas I am the eternal pessimist (it's true).

 

Here in Australia we say "Merry Christmas" at this time of year but I notice Americans say "Happy Holidays" instead.

 

My brother lives in the USA and is getting married there next month, so me, my H and our 2 children are going to America!

 

Much excitement in our home as we contemplate a holiday first in Hawaii, then California (Disneyland and San Diego Zoo for the kids) followed by a very cold(?) - I assume - wedding in Washington DC.

[Fallen Angel]

Thank you FA for your kind words - it's a good idea for me to essentially reflect and note the good things that are happening in our lives now. But it is still hard to overcome the many years of being lied to. We have always said in our family that my H is the eternal optimist whereas I am the eternal pessimist (it's true).

 

Here in Australia we say "Merry Christmas" at this time of year but I notice Americans say "Happy Holidays" instead.

 

My brother lives in the USA and is getting married there next month, so me, my H and our 2 children are going to America!

 

Much excitement in our home as we contemplate a holiday first in Hawaii, then California (Disneyland and San Diego Zoo for the kids) followed by a very cold(?) - I assume - wedding in Washington DC.

 

LMAO.. I normally would say Merry Christmas as well, but as I work retail, I have to be "politically correct". Here in the good old US of A people have been taught to take Christ out of Christmas for fear of offending someone whose religious beliefs differ. So Merry Christmas to you and yours!!!

 

I hope you enjoy your holiday, Hawaii makes me jealous!! I have always wanted to visit! And Southern California makes me homesick.. as I grew up there!

 

I would pack for cold though for the D.C. wedding. I live on the east coast now, south of DC, and it has been quite chilly in my area lately and is much colder up north. But maybe you will get some snow!

[bentnotbroken]

Fallen - always remember that sharing your happiness as an OW sets off every trigger in a BS reading your post. They view you as the OW in their own personal triangle, and will therefore set their rage on you.

 

Its not personal. Just consider the source(s) and ignore the comments accordingly.

 

 

 

Such generalizations. I can't speak for anyone but myself. Her posts don't trigger me, she isn't the ow in my situation ( handled that awhile back) and I don't view you or any OW as anything other than what you are....posters on a public board who I sometimes disagree with. There is no rage to be directed. I am sure there other BS and OW here who feel the same way.

[Fallen Angel]

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH.. this insomnia is kicking my booty!! I go through bouts of it periodically.. have for years.. but since i got out of my bad M it has been pretty good. Now the past few days for no reason I can think of, here it is again. It makes me grumpy and short tempered with my kids *sad face and slow at work. My thinking and judgment become cloudy, and I feel ill. I just need a few hours of REAL sleep. I am sleeping a few (2 or 3) hrs a night, but it isn't quality sleep. *sigh* maybe I should go crawl in bed with my girls... maybe then I would sleep better.

[White Flower]

Hey FA

 

I think I could see the veins popping through your virtual head on the threads today. I can tell when you are upset because you definitely "kill them with kindness" better than most.

 

Don't worry so much. When you acknowledge that you are being discounted because of your OW status then they are getting exactly what they want. Your insight, sensitivity, empathy, and intellect are always appreciated by most here. So keep your head up sister. Hopefully there will be some trees left after today. :laugh:

 

As for me...I am training in Muay Thai (kickboxing). Nothing better for getting out some anger and frustration then kicking, punching, throwing elbows, and knees.

Nice post and very true about FA.

 

FA, ever try painting an entire room with a one inch brush? It is very theraputic. I know it sounds crazy, but it's true. I found out one day when I had everything I needed except a roller. Nothing was going to stop me, so I used the one ince brush. When I'm really stressed, I think about painting another room with a small brush.

 

White-hot sex is better, but when that can't be afforded...

[Fallen Angel]

These posts/replies are better than a novel! If you guys have "handled" situations and moved on with your pathetic little lives, then why keep sticking your head back up your butts and eating your "WS" crap over and over again? It makes no sense to me, but keep up the good work. It gives me something "fictional" to read on a daily basis!

 

Well, that certainly was a rant!

 

Why so angry?

 

Care to talk about it?

[bentnotbroken]

Well, that certainly was a rant!

 

Why so angry?

 

Care to talk about it?

 

 

 

:lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao:

[Fallen Angel]

Not angry at all! I'm happier than I've been in ages! You wouldn't EVEN understand!

 

Hmm, you never know, I may understand more than you think.

[moaningmyrtle]

Not angry at all! I'm happier than I've been in ages! You wouldn't EVEN understand!

 

Well why not try to explain - there must be some of us capable of understanding.

 

Are you on these forums for a reason? Maybe you have been affected in some way by infidelity or an affair.

 

I think while many of us deliberately conceal some details for legitimate reasons, that does not make our lives fictional. I know I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for the impact of an affair in my life.

[torranceshipman]

FallenAngel, maybe this MM is contributing to the insomnia problem? He must be a big source of worry.