How can I bring my wife home for Christmas?

[beachbum1974]

I have never utilized the internet for advice prior to this post. I am a desperate man looking for advice from anyone who believes they can help.

 

I am a 35 year old married man who has been married to a beautiful 31 year old wife for the past five years. We have been together and best friends for 13 years. We have a wonderful home, great jobs, money, and an incredible dog. My wife walked out to think about things on Nov. 27th.

 

Througout my marriage, we have experienced many minor problems that I believe most marriages endure. We have handled these problems gracefully and learned from our mistakes. There has not been infidelity or abuse of any kind in our marriage. I have never even called my wife an inappropriate name....ever.

 

My wife and I have tried to conceive, however we have been unsuccessful to date. We found out about a year ago she has an ovarian cyst, which is creating the problem. My wife took an infertility drug(clomid) in April 2009 and we continued to try and conceive, still with the same negative result.

 

During the month of September 2009, my wife told me she loves me but is no longer in love with me. She told me the romantic part of our marriage was gone and she didn't know if she could get it back. We went to Jamaica the following week. I secretly paid for a secuded candle lite dinner on the beach for the two of us. I had flower pedals spread on the floor of our room and a hot bath ready for her. We swam with the dolphins, climbed the Dunns River Falls and snorkled every day. I tried everything in the book to show her how much I love her.

 

When we returned, I booked a trip to NYC to see a broadway play and bought her another beautiful diamond ring for her other hand.

 

When we returned home, I made dinner one night, bought two dozen roses and placed flower pedals on the floor with candles leading up to the dining room table. I also covered our bed with rose pedals.

 

In October 2009, we began marriage counseling and attended about four meetings. My wife told me she can't explain the feeling, but she believes something feels wrong. We do not have any issues with our marriage, other than this feeling she has lost.

 

My wife walked out on Nov 27, because she said she needed to figure things out. She called me the second night she was gone and said she is trying to work on herself. I received text messages from her daily. I try and only respond briefly to the texts. Friday night (12-04), she asked to come home and spend time together. I cooked dinner and we watched t.v. We talked about our situation and she told me she is working on things so she can be a better partner. My wife spent the night, we slept in the same bed, but we did not make love. When she woke up, we talked and she said she was not ready to move back because her feelings have clearly not changed.

 

When my wife left, I received a text message thanking me for a great night. She also thanked me for understanding and giving her the time and space she needed. She also tells me and text me that she loves me.

 

Today, (12-06), she has again sent several text messages. The first one asked, "How are you?" I responded, "good...u?" There were several in between but the last one stated, "I ordered some Christmas gifts from Macy's tonight....Do not open the box that comes to the house! :)"

 

I bought tickets to see anther play in NYC in early Nov. The show is this Friday. She sent me a text telling me she thinks this trip will give us a chance to reconnect and she was really looking forward to going.

 

I am so confused. This is so difficult. I want to call her...text her....tell her how much I love her....but the less I text her...the more she contacts me. Seeing her last Friday was incredible. When she left, it crushed me again. I appreciate anyone reading this...I truely do. The questions I have are: Can someone get that "feeling" back once it's gone? What can I do to make her want me again? Has anyone ever experienced this before with a positive outcome? How do I survive this ordeal?

 

Thanks for reading,

 

- beachbum1974

[Cranialrupture]

tricky situation, but spending money and buying stuff will not change anything!!!! Telling her you love her and so on and so forth will not change anything. The problem is inside of her. Wether it be hormones, not being able to get pregnant which might make her feel like she's worthless, pre mid-life crisis, etc. There could be alot. Searching for it without education will get her no where. She is missing that chemical excitment in the relationship. That is not love, just a chemical stimulus our bodies do. Sounds like your trying to re ignite it which is more than most people do, but unforntunately its not going to have an effect on her. She has grown complacent.

 

She is looking for you to reignite her own excitment. She needs to do that herself. It does not have to be done outside the marriage, but most people think that it does. Hence the common place seperations/divorces. Most times after the affair or time has gone by that excitment will naturally start to reappear because of the time apart.

 

Its like playing a game over and over and over. Exciting at first, but looses its interest after awhile. Come back to it later and its all of the sudden exciting again. That is not love.

 

I see the problem she is not independant but is co-dependant. She is relying on you to fix it when it needs to be her.

 

I would shop around and try out a few different marriage councilers. You have to find the right one.

 

Quit working on her and work on yourself. I wouldn't give her the cold shoulder, but I would minimze contact with her and quit wasting money on her, it won't change anything. Love is not from what you do or how much you spend. Sometimes simple appreciation, admiration and a little time to just listen to her can go along ways.

[imagine]

Firstly, whenever a spouse says ILYBIDLY there is usually someone else. PI her. Get proof and expose everything on one day.

 

Why does she need space? Usually space is for an affair to develop.

 

Secondly, find out what her language of love is about: Is it gifts, works of service, touch or communication. Ask her or figure it out.

 

A general tip here is that women will NOT respond to one act of kindness. They respond to continued action. These folk need 15 hours quality contact time per week. She should need more right now. How did you do?

[FeelingLonely98]

1st - I'm sorry you are going through this.

 

I agree with imagine beachbum. There is almost guaranteed someone else. Research other threads on LS like yours and you will see that almost always an affair partner is eventually exposed.

 

I would check emails, texting records, ... whatever. If there is someone else and it is exposed she may leave him and begin to focus on you. As long as the affair secretly continues she will NEVER focus on the marriage.

 

GOOD LUCK.

[floridapad]

ILYBILWY.....someone else??? Perhaps but I find it odd that she would look at your trip to NY as a great way to reconnect almost as though she wants to. Perhaps she had a small EA, but realizes she doesn't want the EA. Now she is confused and tryiung to figure out how to get the feelings back for her H. If that is the case she has to be the one to find the feelings. How do you help her. WOW thats the million dollar question. Don't know for sure but I can tell you what won't work... Avoid doing these at all costs and let her figure out things on her own,

 

1) NO RELATIONSHIP TALK. If she wants to initiate it just LISTEN. Don't give your point of view. LISTEN. Try to see her point of view and don't be selfish in your responses

2) Don't try too hard. The more you try the farther she'll run. She needs to come to you. Don't be overly passive but don't be overly attentive. Be cool. She needs to know it is natureal and not forced on your part. If you force it she will "feel" it.

 

These are just a couple of things.

 

3)

[citygal16]

I'm going through a very similar situation....except I'm the wife and it's my husband who thinks "he doesn't love me as he used to..." -- we're around the same age as you guys, been married for 5 years, no kids.... we got married because we were totally in love and have lived a pretty idyllic life up to now... Europe trips, fancy hotels, living all over the world... yet here we are, he "doesn't love me like he used to..." -- But I think in your case that your wife IS NOT cheating...I'm sure the trouble you both have had with conceiving is part of her need for discovery. Sometimes people blame inability to conceive on "fate" saying that maybe it means they shouldn't be together. That being said, what she is doing to you is mean and hurtful. How does she thinks it feels to be in your shoes while "she figures things out"? I think the best thing for you to do is give her some space...no more wining and dining --- it may just end up making her feel smothered. And also, maybe if she thinks you don't care as much, she'll start to realize what she may lose. Because maybe it hasn't dawned on her that while she's "finding herself", you may be moving on.

 

Sometimes indecision is a decision.

[drnick]

I am in a very similar situation. I have been with my wife for 15 years (married for 12) 2 kids, we went to undergraduate school together, we went to graduate school together, we work together (aka own and run 3 businesses). We are immeshed. Our friendship is extraordinary. However, our marriage got to be routine. I have died a slow slow death and so has she. WE are having the oh Sh!! moment - Oh Sh!! I have been with this person for so long and will be for much much longer. Which naturally leads to question, "is this it?" In believing that we can have and deserve extraordinary lives, we asked ourselves if we died tomorrow would we have any regrets. The answer is unclear since both of our experience (especially mine) was so limited prior to marriage. My wife has been having a mild affair with an old boyfriend. Not really an affair since we both agreed to see other people.

 

Ultimately, we both need space to rediscover who we are both in and out of this marriage. Thus, I left today and am staying at friends house while he is out of town. I really believe that we have the parts for a life of joy and happiness and a truly amazing life. I love her deeply and and I know she loves me deeply. But, I do not think space and experience are a bad thing. You want to be in a relationship where both parties are in it because they want to be in and not because life long marriage is institutionalized. Give her time and space and if it is right she will be with you for the right reasons (she really wants to be with you). Take the time to understand where she is at.

 

Here is the thing. I LOVE my wife. Next to our kids her happiness is my first priority. I think most married people will say this. But, investigate if that is true. In reality, if you truly love someone and you want them to be be happy and fulfilled no matter what, then if they are not happy in the marriage you will be okay with letting them go no matter how much it hurts you. I am.

[beachbum1974]

Last night I received several text messages and decided to call her instead. We went round and round about her feelings. I decided to drive over to the condo where she is staying. She opened the door, greeted me with a big hug and thanked me for coming. We slept side by side but no sexual contact. I woke up in the morning and she walked me out, again thanking me for stopping over.

 

Today I contacted her and she invited me over to the condo for dinner. When I arrived, we spoke about the relationship again. At first, everthing was fine. We spoke about our situation and she told me she really missed me. The conversation spun when she asked, "What happens if I never get to the point where I want to come home?" I told her I did not understand how she could give up on us. She told me she loves me and that I'm her best friend. I just don't understand this mindset.

 

After we spoke negatively about her feelings, I gave her a back massage and we talked more calmly about the situation. My wife told me that she carried our marriage for so long. She told me she did the house work and I pretended my job was more important because I made more money. She told me that she noticed I have made a 180 degree change in my attitude and work ethic around the home. I now do all of the house work and have been for the past two months. My wife told me she is mad that I did not make these changes two or three years ago. I understand my shortcomings and I honestly have made a concious effort to change for the better and be a more compassionate partner. I never believed my job was more important but I was working 50 hours a week to my wife 30 hours a week.

 

I told her that I understood how she felt after she explained everything. She withdrew emotionally and physically because she was maintaining the marriage and I was absent. I have learned from my mistakes. I just hope it's not too late.

 

As for another man, I had explored that completely. I had her followed, checked e-mail, facebook and phone records. Nothing indicates an affair of any kind.

 

I will refrain from any contact until our trip to NYC on Friday. She told me again tonight as I was leaving that she is looking forward to the trip. My wife also mentioned we have a family Christmas party to attend on Saturday night. I feel like her emotions go from one extreme to the other in a matter of minutes and it leaves me so confused. In any event, thank you all again. I will keep you updated on my situation as I continue to pray for the return of my wife.

[ann09]

Stop trying so hard. The worst thing you can do right now is buy her things and act like she's fragile. Man up a bit and tell her you can't live like this anymore. She's either staying or leaving. She'll have more respect for you - trust me.

[LisaUk]

Hi, sounds like you have been doing a great job on your own as I think your w is open to reconciling and you have realised what the problem is, ie she withdrew. Google divorce busting, there is information there about why women eventually withdrew, when a women stops "nagging" it's b/c she has had enough, she's given up. When she is "nagging" it means she is emotionally invested in the realtionship and is trying to make it work. However, your wife has indicated by her actions that ahe has a desire still to work things out with you, but she needs to see and know it is not going to go back to the way it was before and she also needs time for her feelings to gravitate back to you.

 

That's what i think it sounds like anyway, just my take. I would continue with what it is that you have been doing already (as well as reading the divorce busting), it seems to be working. I think the space you are giving her and the attention when she has agreed to see you are helping.

 

Good luck, I hope the two of you manage to get it worked out. As for you surviving it, patience is key I think, the hare and the tortoise, don't go rushing in demanding answers, you might just blow it.

[beachbum1974]

Thanks for the support and advice Lisa and Ann.

 

My W stopped over tonight and we ordered sushi. We ate dinner and watched a television show that we watch each week together. After the show, my W took a two more pairs of shoes from her closet and some Midol. (Aunt Flo is in town)

 

As she was leaving I made the mistake of asking her to move back. I explained that I believe we are ready to start moving in the right direction again. My W told me again that she doesn't know what she wants. She doesn't know if she wants to put the work into our marriage and she needs to think things over. It's been a week. How long do I give her to make this decision? I don't want to rush things, but how long does someone need to make up their mind? This is frustrating.

 

After she left, I called and apologized for putting pressure on her to move back. I told her that I would refrain from any additional relationship talk unless she initiates it. I'm not very good at this. I miss her.

[Midnight Rider]

Hello beachbum, you sound like a great man and a standup guy. The problem here (IMO), is that your wife is a weirdo and having an affair with another man.

[CBIIS1]

If I've learned anything from my breakup is that being an absolute ******* is the only way to go with the modern woman. I'm a nice guy according to psychological profile testing but, acting like one tends to put me in last place. When I act like I've got the world by the kiwis, I get everything I want. Don't get me wrong, I cried like a little bitch when she left me but I needed to get her out of my life so I could breathe again. She was a friggin cancer that I learned to live with. I hope I get to bang her again one day but that's all I want from her, otherwise so long. The kids want to be with me, the new women keep calling and the ex is getting awfully lonely and depressed. I didn't start it but I may end it. Get over yours and get another. The old one has issues and you don't. Don't waste your life trying to fix hers.

[LisaUk]

Thanks for the support and advice Lisa and Ann.

 

My W stopped over tonight and we ordered sushi. We ate dinner and watched a television show that we watch each week together. After the show, my W took a two more pairs of shoes from her closet and some Midol. (Aunt Flo is in town)

 

As she was leaving I made the mistake of asking her to move back. I explained that I believe we are ready to start moving in the right direction again. My W told me again that she doesn't know what she wants. She doesn't know if she wants to put the work into our marriage and she needs to think things over. It's been a week. How long do I give her to make this decision? I don't want to rush things, but how long does someone need to make up their mind? This is frustrating.

 

After she left, I called and apologized for putting pressure on her to move back. I told her that I would refrain from any additional relationship talk unless she initiates it. I'm not very good at this. I miss her.

 

I know it's tough, but if you push, you will push her further away. I think you said you were certain she is not involved in an affair? As long as you are 100% sure about that then I think she is showing positive signs of wnating to work this out with you, but it is going to take time. Don't blow it by rushing, what would you rather, rush and lose her completely or wait and be back with her eventually? Are you in MC also?

[sumdude]

Most of the previous advice has been pretty on.

Right now every time you try to get her to come back you are actually pushing her away.

 

Ever had a cat as a pet?

 

Ever really wanted it to sit on your lap and every time you picked it up and put it there it left right away?

 

But then you ignored it for a long time, didn't think about it and went about your life. Suddenly it's in your lap all the time?

 

You need to take the same approach with your wife right now.

 

You did it some and it worked but then you slipped back into appearing needy.

 

There may or may not be someone else. BUT there is at least the possibility in her head of someone else if not now in the near future.

 

DO NOT FREAK OUT!

 

You need to go against your instincts and play hard to get.

 

 

However you may feel on the inside, when you interact with her..

 

-Stay calm.

-Act happy a bit distant and OK with how things are.

-Do not chase.

-Do not beg.

-Do not talk about love or the future.

-Do not buy fancy gifts, trips etc.

-Do not make plans.

-Do not spend time together like you're 'just friends'.

-Do not be too available to her! By phone, text or otherwise.

 

-Get out in life on your own and find ways to have fun.

-Hang out with your buddies or find new people to hang out with.

-Flirt with other women, don't get emotionally or physically involved but enjoy their company. Get used to the idea that other women are interested in you.

-Stay busy so you're not just waiting around for her to call or text.

 

You need her to be attracted to you again but she needs to work to come back to you.

People always seem to be attracted to what they can't get..

 

Which is how you must feel right now.

SO

You must turn the tables on her.

 

Good luck, I hope it works out.

Edited December 9, 2009 by sumdude

[QueenVictoria]

Sleeping side by side with no sexual contact is not a good sign

[beachbum1974]

Again, thank you all for your assistance and posts. This is an update as of Sunday 12-13.

 

12-11-09

 

My W and I went to NYC for a play on Friday night. The conversation seems strained because all I want to talk about is our marriage. We watched the play, got some take out, and went back to the hotel. Once in the hotel, she asked me for a massage. (My W has a very bad back as a result of an ovarian cyst pressuring her spine) I have her a 45 minute massage and we went to bed. I laid next to her, close to her all night. In the morning, I attempted to make a sexual move but was told, "I don't think thats a good idea." Again, my W tells me she is not emotionally connected and therefore cannot be physical at the time.

 

My W told me she feels so distant right now, she can honestly tell me she will not be home by Christmas. She told me she doesn't know if she wants the marriage and is "on the fence." She said she wants to take one day at a time and try and figure things out.

 

12-12-09

 

On Saturday, her girlfriend came over to hang out for a while before going to a family Christmas party. My W showed our home to her friend and told her about different home improvements she plans on us doing in the future. This good friend of my W knows our situation. I was confused to hear her speak of changes she wanted us to make in our home if she is planning on leaving me.

 

We went to a family Christmas party together with her girlfriend. My W drank heavily with her girlfriend and I drove them back home after the party. My W slept in the same bed, however again no physical contact other than laying together. My W acts differently towards me around this friend. She acts even more distant when her friend is around.

 

On Sunday, my W stayed at our home throughout the day. I made breakfast for her in the morning. In the afternoon, I went to the grocery store and left my W to relax at our home. She is now sleeping on the couch. Prior to my W falling asleep, she told me she wanted to watch a T.V. show together tonight. I'm about to begin preparing a nice dinner for two, Chef Ramsay's sticky lemon chicken recipe.

 

I recently purchased two books from Amazon and started reading both. Divorce Busters and We Can Make It Work. I think I need to start following some of the advice on this board and give her distance. I need to keep busy and not contact her for any reason. This is going to be very difficult, especially this time of year. I'm afraid she will begin to get comfortable not speaking with me and being alone.

 

- Has anyone ever been in this situation and had the marriage work out? Or has anyone ever heard of this situation working out? I just want to know if I should think positive or prepare for the worst. I think by thinking positive, I may exhibit a different vibe to my W and begin to be more desirable. I don't mean to sound conceited, but I've been told (and not just by my mother lol) I'm a good looking guy, I have a very good job, and I would like to think that I have a great sense of humor. My self esteem has dwindled so low, I don't think much about myself anymore. I just don't know how much longer I can hold on.

 

Sorry to ramble on and on. I thank you again for reading and any advice or information you may have to offer.

[hopesndreams]

Stop coddling her. Stop going to plays, giving massages, watching tv shows together and cooking her chicken. Don't be a chicken. Show her you can live life without her and quite happily. Believe it or not, it draws them closer to you by doing this.

 

Yes, you love her. Keep in mind, she no longer loves you. Is that what you want for your life?

 

I wouldn't waste another day on someone like this. She's done and she is using you and just biding her time.

 

As for the house talk and the plans, she may be keeping you on friendly terms so she gets the house in the end, without you in it.

Edited December 14, 2009 by hopesndreams

[HeavenOrHell]

Wrong. ILYBNILWY does not necessarily mean there is someone else, my ex did not leave me for someone else, he left 5 months ago and is still not ready to meet someone else.

PI her! You mean private investigate?! Bloody hell, a bit extreme maybe!

Space does not necessarily = affair.

And please don't generalise about women. Women are not all the same, no more than men are all the same! "These folk need 15 hours quality contact time per week." ??????!!!!!!

 

Firstly, whenever a spouse says ILYBIDLY there is usually someone else. PI her. Get proof and expose everything on one day.

 

Why does she need space? Usually space is for an affair to develop.

 

Secondly, find out what her language of love is about: Is it gifts, works of service, touch or communication. Ask her or figure it out.

 

A general tip here is that women will NOT respond to one act of kindness. They respond to continued action. These folk need 15 hours quality contact time per week. She should need more right now. How did you do?

[HeavenOrHell]

Please don't rush her or ask for answers, it can take weeks or months, sometimes even years, but you may not be waiting for her by that time! A friend of mine left her partner for 3 years, she went back to him in the end and they are happily married now.

I would limit contact, don't make yourself so available, make it clear how you feel about her but get out there and make new friends, show her you are getting on with your life and not sitting around waiting for her decision.

 

 

Thanks for the support and advice Lisa and Ann.

 

My W stopped over tonight and we ordered sushi. We ate dinner and watched a television show that we watch each week together. After the show, my W took a two more pairs of shoes from her closet and some Midol. (Aunt Flo is in town)

 

As she was leaving I made the mistake of asking her to move back. I explained that I believe we are ready to start moving in the right direction again. My W told me again that she doesn't know what she wants. She doesn't know if she wants to put the work into our marriage and she needs to think things over. It's been a week. How long do I give her to make this decision? I don't want to rush things, but how long does someone need to make up their mind? This is frustrating.

 

After she left, I called and apologized for putting pressure on her to move back. I told her that I would refrain from any additional relationship talk unless she initiates it. I'm not very good at this. I miss her.

[beachbum1974]

Thanks for the advice HeavenorHell. It's very hard to limit the contact when you love someone this deeply. I know my W spoke with a friend recently and told her I was a nice guy.....but being a nice guy isn't everything. I see so many marriages and relationships where the man is a complete jerk to his significant other.

 

Tonight we had dinner, watched our show together and she left. I gave her a kiss goodnight and told her to continue to think about us and come back home soon. With the holidays so close, it will be even more difficult to limit the communication. I read the last resort chapter in Divorce Busting about not seeming needy or desperate. I will try to abide by your advise and the book. Hopefully this is some sort of mid-life crisis or phase and she will snap out of it and come home. I will continue to pray for the strength to get me through the most trying time in my life. Thanks again.

[Cranialrupture]

Thanks for the advice HeavenorHell. It's very hard to limit the contact when you love someone this deeply. I know my W spoke with a friend recently and told her I was a nice guy.....but being a nice guy isn't everything. I see so many marriages and relationships where the man is a complete jerk to his significant other.

 

Tonight we had dinner, watched our show together and she left. I gave her a kiss goodnight and told her to continue to think about us and come back home soon. With the holidays so close, it will be even more difficult to limit the communication. I read the last resort chapter in Divorce Busting about not seeming needy or desperate. I will try to abide by your advise and the book. Hopefully this is some sort of mid-life crisis or phase and she will snap out of it and come home. I will continue to pray for the strength to get me through the most trying time in my life. Thanks again.

 

DOORMAT!!!! Hate to be rude, but you honestly need to wake up. She is having her cake and eating it too. Women say they like nice guys, which they do but they are not attracted to them. She is not attracted to you anymore. She likes you but is not attracted to you. I don't mean you need to be an a$$ or a jerk but she walks all over you. Did she take your balls when you got married. Hell, whats your number I want a good night out on the town. Who wouldn't want a free ride.

 

All these things your doing are nice..congratulations..but they are doing NOTHING for attraction to you. Its going to get even harder for you in the near future. I can't emphasize enough about the need for you to untie that lead weight you call a wife off from around your neck. It isn't going to happen over night but you need to change lanes and head off in a different direction. The only way she will get that attraction back is space from you, and for you to become independant, confident and no longer a doormat.

 

My ex just today came begging me back with the whole ball of wacks. Crying, pleading, begging..everything. The exact same thing I did to her when she first left me. I bought her gifts, apologized, begged etc. It did nothing. The only thing that brought her around was when I made a final decision to move on and to quit being walked over. She saw my happyness without her, my confidence level and she saw I wasn't going to be walked over and now the tables are turned. I showed her the door.

 

Quit being so **** nice. Its getting you nowhere. Go NC!!!! If you do talk to her, only talk about the weather or the mail you got. You have two choices here A: get on the path to self recovery and healing or B: stay were your at, get the **** kicked out you emotionally and end up on path A about a million miles down the road and your wallet quite a bit lighter.

 

Please believe me when I say what you are doing now is only pushing her away more. get on path A, it will result in one of two things. either she will come running back or you will realize you can be happy without her. Either way it seems to have a happier ending then the other way. Your choice though, good luck.

[beachbum1974]

Cranialrupture, After I read your post, I got a sense of confidence back. I appreciate your honesty and advice. I am successful! I am independent! I want to be happy! Your absolutely right. I have been a doormat since she broke the news. It seems like I do everything and get nothing in return. Since I received the ILYBINILWY speech, I have taken her to Jamaica, NYC twice to see a show, purchased another diamond ring, an expensive necklace, cooked dinners, cleaned the house, laundry etc. The seesaw is definitely favoring one side right now, but I need to change that ASAP.

 

I was asked to go on a four day vacation to Vermont in January with about ten friends. Initially, I was unsure because I wanted to work on my marriage. After I read your post, I made the phone call to reserve my spot on the trip. I've actually thought about calling an ex girlfriend (13 years removed) to take her out to dinner.

 

I am now going NC as you suggested. I am getting on the same path you traveled to self recovery and healing. I do think I am pushing her further away by my behavior. I'm worried about the marriage, which means she doesn't have to. I need her to think about what life will be like without me to lean on. This is going to be very difficult.

 

Did your wife give you the ILYBINILWY speech, or did you seperate for another reason? What did you do to keep your mind off things when you went NC? Right now, if my W came back I would take her in a second.......I want to be in a position where I can make the decision on the totality of the circumstances and not my just emotions. Thank you cranialrupture. I will keep updating and appreciate the support!

[seibert253]

She wants distance, give it to her.

Dont' call, text, nothing.

 

If she calls, don't answer. If you do have conversation, keep it short sweet and to the point. When you feel it's dragging on, tell her your right in the middle of something and you have to go.

 

She needs to see and feel two things:

1. She needs to see you're moving on

2. She needs to realize this and miss you.

 

Unless these happen, your marriage is done. You need to prepare for this and live life like this will be the outcome, no matter how difficult.

 

If she comes back, wonderful, if she doesn't then that's fine too. Over time the pain will diminish and soon enough you won't really care anymore.

[beachbum1974]

Thanks Siebert253.

 

I think your right on about the no contact. Tonight I went to the bar and drank several beers to ease the pain. I'm extremely depressed right now. I've slipped into a deep dark place. I have always been upbeat and happy. I never thought I would have these polluted thoughts running through my head.

 

I need to find something constructive to keep me busy, but drinking isn't the answer. I am going to try and make the transition from doormat to the new me. I have not called her or sent her a text message all day. I have not received any either. I hope your right and the pain will subside soon. I really don't know if I'll ever get to the point where I don't care anymore. I have spent 13 years of my life with my wife. I find it hard to forget about all the good times we've had and move on any time soon. Thanks for the advice and support! I need all I can get right now.