How can I bring my wife home for Christmas?

[broken hearted]

Hey Beachbum, I'm from northern VT...about 10 minutes from the Canadian border actually. Supposed to get a huge amount of snow today through Monday morning...should be great for skiing. I hope you have fun on your trip!

[soul searching]

Update:

 

I just got a text message from my W which reads, "Gonna come to the house tomorrow. I need to do scan items in on the computer for work. I will let u know a time tomorrow. Hope ur doing ok...iv been thinkin a lot."

 

Why? Why would my W say that she hopes I'm doing ok? She knows I'm really not. She knows how this has and is affecting me. I've shed 30lbs in three months. I'm withering away. Why does she feel the need to tell me she's been thinking a lot? On Wed Jan 30, she told me she needed me to give her space and time. Each time I give her the space she needs, she tries to suck me back into her world. I'm not falling for it this time. I won't be here tomorrow when she arrives. I'm staying NC! I just don't understand it!

 

 

Right on, Beachbum! Avoid contact until you can do it without the anxiety, clenching feeling in your stomach and heart...(not sure if that happens to you, but it was to me) I am trying to spend as much time out of the house, away from H as possible. She is giving you those details to test out your resolve, I think. If you're there when she gets there, she will feel secure that she still has you... Don't get sucked back in, you're doing great. As for me, I am planning to talk to a lawyer tomorrow. Baby steps forward, not looking back. Happy New Year to us!

[beachbum1974]

Update:

 

Yesterday I left my home because I knew my W was coming over at some point to do some work on the PC. I had no intention of speaking with her at all. I received a telephone call from her and decided to answer. She asked what I was doing and how I've been. She told me she wanted to come to the house so we could hang out together. I explained to her I was out and would be home after spending time with friends. I'm so confused.

 

I didn't want to sound desperate so I asked what time she would be at the house. She got there at 5p. I didn't return home until just after 6p. She packed up some additional items that she needed and we talked. I did not ask her any questions at all. We talked about her friends marriage, which parallels ours. (Her friends husband left her.) My W gave her girlfriend advice to stop being so need, desperate and overbearing. I think she was giving me advice through talking about her friends relationship. I have not pursued my W at all. I could be wrong but I think I need to reverse the rolls here. She needs to be the "seeker" and I need to be "sought."

 

At the end of the night, she asked if I would follow her back to her condo and help her carry some of her belongings inside. I agreed. Before we left our house, my W leaned in, gave me a big hug and a kiss. I did not lean in to the kiss, but gracefully accepted it.

 

We drove to her condo and I walked her inside. She asked me to inspect the condo to make sure it was safe. I never took my jacket off or indicated I was planning on staying. Just as I was leaving she gave me a big hug and a kiss goodbye. She actually gave me three hugs and kisses before I walked out the door. I never initiated the hug or kiss and did not tell my wife I loved her, eventhough I do. I'm going to VT on Thurs. and she asked me to give her the address of where I was staying in case of an emergency. I wonder if she is worried because I will be away for four days with nine guys in another state?

 

My W sent me a text message today that she was taking out some cash from our joint account to pay for a repair at the condo where she is staying. I replied, "ok."

 

I'm not getting my hopes up. I'm very guarded right now and confused. It's amazing but I think when I stop "seeking" she is more receptive to spending time with me. I was not anxious or needy when we spent time together yesterday. I did not ask any questions and told her I wanted her to feel that our home was a safe and comfortable place for her.

 

I'm going to continue to not contact her, but briefly reply to her texts and continue to move forward with my life. If she decides to come back eventually, I'll have to re-evaluate my situation. Until then, I'm taking things day by day!

[PWSX3]

Me & my former W separated for a while with the attentions of working things out but it didn't happen.

 

We were also going to counseling & the one request the former W asked when she moved out that I didn't contact her for three months which I did.

 

Once we did start to contact each other we had a big snow storm so I just asked if she needed help cleaning her drive, which she said; yes that would be nice. We both ran the snow blower, which after wards she told me was nice because I didn't just come over & do it but we did it together.

 

When I was done I was loading up the snow blower & she asked if I wanted a kiss?

I excepted it with a big hug.....I believe our spouses are also just as confused as we are & even though they are the ones that left they still feel the need for some affection.

 

We are wired to give & by loved so I feel those kisses & hugs you are getting are just ways for her to get some type of emotional feeling & they don't mean she is wanting to get back together. I could be wrong but that is kind of how I felt in my situation.

 

I agree with you, she is the one that needs to show she is welling to work for the marriage.

I hope you are still working on you, trying to learn what your part was in the bad marriage & just focus on that. Read books, take classes, join a men's group at a local church, do whatever to educate yourself & use this time for learning.

 

Then you will be in such a better place if & when the time comes when she wants to work on the relationship.

 

Many of us including me worry to much about what the other person is doing or should do & we don't work on what is most important & that is US!!!

 

I would suggest staying with the NC & if she calls let it go to voice mail & then return her call if needed later. Don't just call or text her back, let her think you are busy or you are not just waiting around for her....

 

I really hope things work out & that your marriage does get back together. I still don't believe in divorce & if there is anyway of keeping a marriage together it is worth fighting for..

[beachbum1974]

BB07: Thank you so much. Believe it or not, your support means a lot to me. I really hope things work out too. I've decided to leave the heavy lifting for God at this point. I'm going to continue to give my W her space and time. Hopefully this four day getaway will give her a chance to relax in the comfort of our home and miss me. We'll see. God bless and thanks again.

 

PWSX3: I'm sorry things didn't work out for you and your W. You couldn't be more on point when you said I need to work on me. I do need to focus in on me. I've been reading "Divorce Busting" and "The Two Step: Dance toward intimacy." I've learned a lot so far between reading posts on here and the books. I've also been spending more time with friends and going out at night.

 

I really appreciate your support. I don't believe in divorce either. I think it's too easy these days to get out of a marriage just because you don't want to work at it. God bless and thanks again.

[beachbum1974]

Ok...can someone translate?

 

I received a text from my W tonight which reads, "I was out to dinner with my two girlfriends and i wanted u to know that I appreciate the space ur giving me. I was going to come over but saw u leave....I guess I just wanted u to know that I'm feling a lot of emotions now....not just anger and oppression....because uv backed off. I think about us a lot."

 

I did not respond and received a telephone call from her approximately one hour later. I answered and my W asked what I did tonight. I told her I hung out with friends at the local bar. She asked if I had a crush on one of the bartenders. She was joking but, I'm very confused by her behavior. She told me her girlfriend gave her a book tonight titled, "Love is a Choice." She said tonight was very emotional for her because they talked about our marriage. Our friend who was out to dinner with her also just beat breast cancer and they were celebrating. I'm going to continue down the path less traveled and hope it makes all the difference.

[seibert253]

Continue your distance.

 

Don't reach out to her, let her come to you. But don't be there at her beckon call either.

 

You did good by not answering her text, and making her call you. You may want to consider not answering her every call, let it go to VM.

 

You need to appear distant and that you're moving on. As a matter of fact, you do need to prepare for life without her. You may have to face that reality.

 

I think you are doing extremely well based upon what her conversations about missing you, and really considering your relationship. That is, as long as she's being honest when she tells you this, and not just stringing you along.

 

One bit of advice, take everything she tells you, especially when she talks about "missing you" and things like that, with a grain of salt. Many times the W will string you along, while she "figures out" what she wants. Don't get your hopes up too high.

 

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.

[JLoves]

She told me her girlfriend gave her a book tonight titled, "Love is a Choice."

 

How many LS'ers wish their SO's friend gave their SO a book like that..

 

Chances are she might actually read it. If you gave her the book, or even mentioned the book title there is no way in h*ll she would read it. It's gotta be her decision.

 

Keep it up, you seem to be doing all the right things. Hopefully it will work out in the end.

[beachbum1974]

Seibert: Thanks for the post. I'm going to continue giving her space, but it's tough not to get my hopes up. It feels like a rollercoaster ride. If she is stringing me along, my W is the cruelest person I know. Thanks for the vote of confidence and support. I'm going to hope for the best, but expect the worst....for now.

 

JLoves: Have you read, "Love is a Choice?" I was wondering what the book was all about. I looked it up and it appeared the entire title was, "Love is a Choice: The Definitive Book on Letting Go of Unhealthy Relationships." I was confused about the title. Is the book about letting go of your relationship and moving on? I would not consider our relationship unhealthy, eventhough we are not living together. I think an unhealthy relationship is an abusive relationship. There is not nor was there ever any abuse in our marriage. Thanks for the support JLoves. I appreciate it.

 

As I stated in earlier posts, I'm heading to Killington to ski from Thurs-Sun. My W sent me a text today which read, "Please make sure u remember to text me the info or write it down at the house. I hope u have a great time.....u deserve it:)" She wanted me to text her with the address where I will be staying in VT. Not sure why she want the address so bad. Again......another very confusing text. Maybe I should stop trying to read into these messages so much and just take them for what they say.

 

I also received a text from my mother-in-law who told me she was thinking about me and wanted me to have a nice time in VT. My W's family is incredible. Very supportive and just great people.

 

I'll continue with the updates as this rollercoaster ride continues. Thanks again for all the support. It really does help. Anyone who has read "Love is a Choice" let me know what the book is all about. Thanks.

[JLoves]

JLoves: Have you read, "Love is a Choice?" I was wondering what the book was all about. ......

Thanks for the support JLoves. I appreciate it.

 

Googled it as well as I just took the title to mean 'Deciding to Love Someone'.. Yikes, doesn't seem to be anything like that. Completely the opposite in fact. I'd love to know what its about as well.

 

I had a week away with my family and kids before Christmas.. Was really good to get away from all the BS back here. Didn't want to come back.

 

Take the opportunity to enjoy your holiday. Forget about the W. Just go NC. Deal with the crap when you get back.

 

We are here to support each other. When your up, it's ok, when your down turn to LS.

 

Have a great holiday.

[beachbum1974]

JLoves: Thanks. I'm happy to hear you had a chance to enjoy Christmas with your family. I wish you lots of luck. Keep me updated on your situation. I'm very interested.

 

I'm going to try and enjoy the next four days away from everything. Hopefully it will be a relaxing getaway, where I can do some thinking. I'll keep updates when I return from the trip.

 

Tonight my W sent me a text message asking if I was at home. I was in the shower and never received it. She called about ten minutes later and I was still in the shower. I had my Ipod blasting U2- Joshua Tree while showering. When I exited the shower, "With or Without You" was playing and my wife was standing at the front door inside the house. My W told me she wanted to give me a hug before I went to VT. She also stated, "So are you ready to take your last boys trip?" She gave me another hug and a kiss. In addition she told me she bought a new comforter and sheet set for the bed in one of the spare bedrooms.

 

She stayed at the house for about 30 min. I walked her out and she gave me another hug and kiss. As she was pulling out of the driveway she stopped, put her window down and told me she loved me.

 

I've given her a lot of space and time. I have not spoken about our marriage or situation at all. I do not ask her where she goes or who she spends time with. She is now starting to provide that information without me asking. I think now the emotions and anxiety are gone, we are much more relaxed together.

 

I guess these are all positive signs, but I need to remain guarded. Again...If she is stringing me along, my W is the cruelest person I've ever known. I appreciate all the advice I have received thus far from everyone on here. I'm trying to stay NC, but she continues to contact me frequently. I'm keeping my fingers crossed, my guard up and of course I will continue to pray.

[Gunny376]

Continue your distance.

 

Don't reach out to her, let her come to you. But don't be there at her beckon call either.

 

You did good by not answering her text, and making her call you. You may want to consider not answering her every call, let it go to VM.

 

You need to appear distant and that you're moving on. As a matter of fact, you do need to prepare for life without her. You may have to face that reality.

 

I think you are doing extremely well based upon what her conversations about missing you, and really considering your relationship. That is, as long as she's being honest when she tells you this, and not just stringing you along.

 

One bit of advice, take everything she tells you, especially when she talks about "missing you" and things like that, with a grain of salt. Many times the W will string you along, while she "figures out" what she wants. Don't get your hopes up too high.

 

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.

 

I agreed! And agree again!

[beachbum1974]

Update: I'm on the rollercoaster again....

 

I left for Vermont on Thurs. afternoon. My W stayed at the house while I went on the ski trip. After I left, my W sent me a text that read, "I just stopped at the house 2 bring over my clothes. n I'm crying. It was very sweet of u to stock the cuboard and fridge. I don't know what to say Thank you very much. I love u and want you to have a great time."

 

I received multiple text message pictures sent from my W of her and the dog. She seemed extremely happy. Her girlfiends stayed over night on Friday and Saturday night. One of her girlfriends that stayed is going through a tough divorce right now.

 

When I returned home I walked in the house and she gave me a hug and kiss. She seemed sad. I asked if everything was ok and she told me she thought she was going to have an epiphany and want to come home, but doesn't feel any differently. I don't understand. The day before I left she made an appearance to tell me she loved me before I went on the trip. I leave and she is sending me texts all weekend. I return, and she pulls the rug from underneath me. Why? Why go through the effort if your just going to make me feel horrible again. I'm back in NC for now.

 

I feel like I'm on the verge of just giving up. My emotional rollercoaster may be coming to an end. What is she doing to me?

[soul searching]

Hey BeachBum,

 

I have been following your story, even though I have been off for about a week...

I agree with you - at some point we have to be the ones to get off of the rollercoaster. She definitely sent you some positive signals, but she might be doing it to reassure herself that you're not moving on in the meantime, and keep stringing you along. Not fun to think about, but a definite possibility.

 

 

Maybe you have the right idea, keep up with NC and see what happens. Don't just wait around for her. Continue enjoying your life as much as you can. It makes you start to count your blessings and focus on what your future might be without her... just in case it does come down to that.

 

Have you read the post by a guy called Flight Level 370? He is going thru something very similar. Tons of good advice there. It started around the same time as yours...

Stay strong! Take care of you!

[JaneDoe35]

My husband still gives me the same mixed signals. And he has just moved in with the 21 year old OW. He was here on the weekend visiting our daughter and he made a move on me, told me he loved me and called me all my pet names. I know how hard it is for you. They make us hopeful and then dash all those hopes in a single sentence. I am shutting down as I cant handle it anymore. Take care of you.

[Brooke79]

I feel bad for you. Your wife is stringing you alone and you seem like such a nice guy. You are trying so hard I would only hope that my husband would work half as hard as you have to get me back. I disagree with the ppl who say your wife is cheating BTW, I am not and I've told my H the ILYBINILWY, its just that I feel so unappreciated and unvalued and I am fed up with arguing and begging for understanding. Though I don't think your wife is cheating you are in a bad place because If my hubs did all that I would have a huge smile on my face and be more than willing to put one on his... I think we would all deserve to be happy right

[JLoves]

I feel bad for you. Your wife is stringing you alone and you seem like such a nice guy. You are trying so hard I would only hope that my husband would work half as hard as you have to get me back. I disagree with the ppl who say your wife is cheating BTW, I am not and I've told my H the ILYBINILWY, its just that I feel so unappreciated and unvalued and I am fed up with arguing and begging for understanding. Though I don't think your wife is cheating you are in a bad place because If my hubs did all that I would have a huge smile on my face and be more than willing to put one on his... I think we would all deserve to be happy right

 

I had to go and read your story because something was strange. (Welcome to LS btw..). I was wondering when you actually told your H the ILYBINILWY line since you seem to be on the 'spouse left behind speechless' side. From your story post I think given a few more months of this treatment, a nice OM would turn up and you'd be off having a EA or PA.

 

I think your H has silently given you the ILYBINILWY treatment. He may not realise he's doing it. I hope you can both work together to work out why he is not responsive to your needs. Please try and work on him before giving up on your M.

 

I'm not trying to be nasty. I would love it if my W tried to work on my M, really told me what was going on in her mind before she decided that it was over.

 

99% of people who get the ILYBINILWY line freak out. If he's not freaking out, then he's already checked out of the M as well.

 

I hope you two can work it out, especially considering the little one thats on the way.

[beachbum1974]

Today was a rough day for me. I haven't had any communication with my W since Monday afternoon, when she called me. Yesterday, I started wondering how much I have left in the tank. I really don't know. I'm continuing with the NC and know I need to be less accessible to her when she needs me. The struggle is between my heart and my mind. My heart wants my W back and my mind wants me to move on.

 

I continue to believe the people my wife is associating herself with at this point are hurting our marriage. I don't think I can do anything to change who she spends time with right now. I hope soon enough she will realize how they are affecting us.

 

I appreciate everyones responses and advice. I read each of them and try to make the right choices everyday.

 

Brooke: I do think she is stringing me along because my W doesn't believe she is at risk of losing me. I also appreciate the compliment. I really try to be a good guy. I think I just try to be myself. I get a lot of satisfaction from making others happy, especially my wife. I'm trying so hard because I know the juice is worth the squeeze. I agree with you, we all deserve to be enjoy life.

 

JaneDoe: The mixed signals are so frustrating. My W continues to build me up and tear the rug from under me. I thought it was interesting how she acted just before I went on my trip to Vermont. When I returned home, she dashed my hopes. I just don't understand why. If she really wanted the divorce, why would she build me up or make me believe she was thinking about coming back home?

 

SoulSearching: I did read Flight Level 370's posts. It is very similar. He is getting mixed signals also. I think I need put a stop to the mixed signals but not answering my phone when she calls or being available to her when she needs me.

 

I'll continue to pray and stay in NC. I have to remind myself to leave our marriage in God's hands.

[PWSX3]

Phone calls are the best thing, when she calls don't answer it & if it is important she can leave a message.

 

It also will give you an idea of what she is wanting to talk about so if it is something important you can stay on subject.

 

She isn't sure what she wants & she is just keeping you in the same situation so you don't move on with your life until she figures out what she wants.

[beachbum1974]

PWSX3: I agree. I'll let the calls go to voicemail and continue with the NC. Do you think I should just give up? I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. I was actually thinking about meeting with an attorney and getting an idea of what I'm going to need to buy her out. Its sad. I never wanted to do this...ever. I feel like she is forcing me to do this. Maybe she wants me to do this. All I know is this is the absolute lowest point in my life. I'm emotionally drained. Should I throw in the towel?

[PWSX3]

PWSX3: I agree. I'll let the calls go to voicemail and continue with the NC. Do you think I should just give up? I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. I was actually thinking about meeting with an attorney and getting an idea of what I'm going to need to buy her out. Its sad. I never wanted to do this...ever. I feel like she is forcing me to do this. Maybe she wants me to do this. All I know is this is the absolute lowest point in my life. I'm emotionally drained. Should I throw in the towel?

Only you can answer that question & it will be a hard one to answer.

 

I had two friends tell me that she was the one that wanted the divorce so let her file. But they also said; once you feel it is over & the spouse hasn't done anything such as file, that in order for you to move forward you will need to file.....I didn't have to worry about that, my former wife filed. That doesn't mean you are the one that wanted the divorce but you had to do what you needed to move forward with your life.

 

I do understand it's not easy....There is really no time limit so you can wait it out. We separated for 7 months before trying to work things out & then she finally moved out for good, but the first time it took her 7 months before she finally decided she wanted to work on things.

 

Your W just might need time to figure things out, but don't let her use you as a back up, she needs to learn what it will be like without you...

[sumdude]

Your W just might need time to figure things out, but don't let her use you as a back up, she needs to learn what it will be like without you...

 

AMEN!

 

beachbum, there was a time in your life before your wife.

 

When you were single or in between and all was well.

When you were free of chains and soulful pains.

You did as you liked and answered to no one.

You didn't really need anyone or bleed for anyone.

You burped, you farted and finished things you never started.

There was no fear but maybe a pint of beer.

 

Cheesy rhymes aside.

Get busy living YOUR life. Time carries on and waiting around for her to make a choice, hanging on her every word and trying to analyze the chaos that she is dealing is in the way. This doesn't mean to throw in the towel but to get your even keel back. Right now she is on the outside of your life by her choice. Go back and find that guy you were and really are. Let her figure out her stuff on her own. Don't let her confusion become your confusion.

Edited January 14, 2010 by sumdude

[beachbum1974]

Thanks guys. I agree there is no time limit. I'm going to take things day by day. I just had such a rough day yesterday thinking about everything. I'm getting mixed advice from friends who tell me she is never coming back and to just file. I think they are just pissed because they know what she is doing to me.

 

The past month I've searched for the old me and I believe I've found him. But, I have those episodes of loneliness and miss my W. I guess that means I'm not on an even keel. I know I need to remain in the positive at all times. I still have trouble believing either way I'll be ok. I'm going to let her figure this out on her own and hopefully she finds her way.

 

Thanks again guys. I came on here this morning before work to gain a little inspiration to make it through my day. I found it in your posts. Today will be a better day than yesterday.

[PWSX3]

Don't feel bad because you still have feelings or you get the ups & downs because that is normal.

 

If you care about someone how can you just shut them out of your life????

 

Work on you & hopefully she will see it. Like they say; actions speak much louder then words.

 

Have you thought of joining a men's group at your local church or take up a hobby that maybe you did or wanted to do at one time????

 

For me getting back to church was the best thing, I have met a lot of good people, the church I go to has lots of activities going on so I get to meet new people, try new things, etc.......I know this isn't for everyone & we all need to find what works best for us, but I just wanted to share to give you ideas.

 

I also believe this time of year is hard with winter & we aren't able to get out as much like in the summer.

 

Hang in there, you will come out a better person no matter what happens because you are trying to fix you, not to worry about her.

[beachbum1974]

I received another punch in the stomach. My W was scheduled to go to marriage counseling today for a one-on-one. I had not talked with her since Monday. She sent me a text yesterday telling me she canceled the appointment fand will go next Friday. When I asked why she told me she is going to hang out with a friend instead. Crazy! I broke the NC by calling her and telling my W, "enough is enough." I told her I was going to the marriage counseling appointment by myself and seeking legal counsel next week in reference to a divorce. If she is going to cancel a marriage counseling appointment to hang out with a friend, she must not want our marriage to work.

 

I still think she is a cruel person. How could she build me up before I left for my trip and now pull the rug from underneath me. All of her good friends and family members think she is crazy or bi-polar. Either way, after I told her about seeking legal counsel she stated, "After only missing one appointment? You do what you feel you have to do." I haven't heard from her since, and don't really expect to at this point. What should I expect while speaking with an attorney? Can I file for abandonment and keep her from taking some of our assets?

 

Her friend told me I should not make this easy on her and if she wants the divorce to let her do the work and file. Not sure what I should do. This is the absolute worst. How can someone I love so much do such harm to me and treat me so poorly?