How can I bring my wife home for Christmas?

[Chrome Barracuda]

HI....Beachbum. First of all. Thanks for sharing your story with us and asking for advice, thinking us as your friends. I am through your first post to last post here. There was lot of change in your wife's behavior and yours too. Time only gives answer for this and keep hope on god. Never hurt any woman because her heart is really fragile, if once it is hurted...it will take lot of time regain back the relationship, but never breaks. If it breaks, it is not true love. Your wife's is true love...Don't hurt her again..She will be definitely be with you. Don't worry and take care..

 

 

WTF how the hell did he hurt her???

[cyabye]

WTF how the hell did he hurt her???

 

Yeah I wonder why that was said too. But trying to read between the broken english I think they are trying to quote from the bible.

 

cya

[PWSX3]

I don't think you should stop everything you are doing every time she calls or wants you over, once in a while you need to say; I'm sorry I have plans tonight. Don't tell her what you are doing just say; I have plans.

 

I understand you are trying to keep your marriage together so I feel you do need to get together once in a while, she is trying to see changes in you, so this is the time to listen to what she says.

 

Just talking about her work is all she asked for, you don't need to talk about your relationship every time you are together, just work at getting to know each other again.

 

There is no right or wrong answer & trust me if you think you got it figured out they will change the rules on you. :laugh::laugh:

 

Just keep learning more about yourself, what part you had and how could you become a better person.

 

Her going out with some better friends is a good sign, she is looking for answers & hopefully they can help guide her in a more positive direction.

[beachbum1974]

Thanks again for the advice guys and gals. I have plans set for tomorrow night with friends. I'm not expecting my W to contact me about hanging out tomorrow, but if she does I am not cancelling my plans. I dropped everything the last two occasions she wanted to hang out.

 

I've totally given up on trying to figure my W out. I agree PWSX3, each time I thought I knew what she wanted, she changed the rules.

 

As for hurting my W, I really don't know what I did to hurt her. We traveled all over, went out to expensive dinners, bought her expensive gifts, etc. I honestly know I could have been a better listener, a better husband, and more understanding about our differences, but we did not have a bad marriage in my opinion. If this experience has taught me anything it's not to take time with people who matter for granted.

 

My W sent me a text today and asked if I was sore from my workout yesterday. It actually feels like someone hit me in the legs with baseball bat, but its great . I kindly responded to her text. I continued with my workout program again today. I lifted weights and ran on the treadmill. I ran the first mile in under 7 minutes, which was much better than I had expected.

 

My W has a one-on-one marriage counceling appointment scheduled for Friday. I am not going to concern myself with her appointment or what she will be doing this weekend. I'm starting to feel better and gain more confidence. I think all the advice is starting to finally sink in to my thick skull. I can't control what she does or where she goes, so why worry about it. I'll keep the updates coming and I really do appreciate the posts and advice from everyone. Thanks again.

[sumdude]

As for hurting my W, I really don't know what I did to hurt her. We traveled all over, went out to expensive dinners, bought her expensive gifts, etc. I honestly know I could have been a better listener, a better husband, and more understanding about our differences, but we did not have a bad marriage in my opinion. If this experience has taught me anything it's not to take time with people who matter for granted.

 

 

There's a book called The Five Love Languages and a website too I think. The basic idea is that different people show love and want to receive it in different ways.

 

Words of Affirmation

Quality Time

Receiving Gifts

Acts of Service

Physical Touch

 

Now someone may express love by giving gifts which is great. But what if that isn't quite what your spouse wants? It can be hard to know or guess what someone wants. Especially if they don't tell you in clear words.

 

If your a Gift Giver and she's an Acts of Service type. She'll of course appreciate gifts yet still feel something's missing.

 

Just something to think about.

[tnttim]

It's the little things that kill a relationship. That's why focusing on them never work, look at the big picture. Did you as whole create dissension in your marriage? Listening as you said is very important, reacting to what she said is also huge. She stops talking to you, you better believe she's talking to someone else. Woman use 6,000 words a day, men 3,000. You create the void. She will find someone to fill it, and that's how EA's start, then PA's if the void remains filled by OM.

The lying, sneakiness, careless, heartless, feelings she has are symptoms of the affair, not the cause of it. Honest, open, carefree, prideful people cheat too.

[floridapad]

Beachbum,

 

It sounds like things are going well, but as I have said before these things do take time. A long time. Settle in for the long haul and you will be stronger for it. Don't let that hope of reconciliation over power your ability to stay center focused. Hope is a great thing sometimes, but it can also be very damaging if you let it rule your emotions and actions. She has her own sh*t she has to work out and you have yours. The reconciliation should be secondary otherwise all the progress you are making on yourself will get sucked right out. Too much focus on reconciliation and not enough on learning about yourself and interactions in relationships, is a sure fire recipe for a train wreck. I've been there.

 

BTW. Never cancel premade plans to be with the W. You will be giving her and the reconciliation too much control.

[beachbum1974]

I'm finally eating well and I've worked out every day this week except Monday. My W called me tonight and we talked for a bit. I had plans with the guys and got off the phone when I got to the pub. Sbe has marriage counseling tomorrow afternoon.

 

I got home and she sent me a couple of texts pertaining to a funny t.v. show that she was watching.

 

sumdude: I'm going to research that book. It definitely sounds interesting and I'm always willing to read something that may help our situation.

 

tnttim: Not sure she is having any type of affair at this point. I think if she is, it will all come out in the wash eventually. I agree....life is more about all the little things than the big ones.

 

floridapad: I'm preparing myself for the long haul. I do have hope, but your right....too much hope will be counter productive. I'm going to continue and focus on myself and things I can change or have control over. Thanks again for the great advice.

 

This weekend should be interesting. As I said before, my W will be spending the weekend with a very good long time girlfriend.

[tnttim]

Keep going out with friends and having fun. Mine helped me get through my separation and I really had fun. The W will get jealous too, but who cares what she thinks right now.

[beachbum1974]

I've been going out with friends on the weekends and letting off some steam. Friday night I had a cute girl ask me if I drove myself to the bar and then told me she was taking me home with her. I flirted a little but never went any further....I drove myself home alone. On Saturday night some girl at the bar told me I was either gay or had a girlfriend. When I told her I was not gay and did not have a girlfriend, she asked me to kiss her and prove it. I didn't kiss her, however through conversation convinced her I was not gay. I sort of took it as a compliment. lol

 

I haven't been out with my single friends in a long time. It was nice to know I still have it! I found it's actually easier now to get a girl in her 30's than it was when I was in my early 20's. I'm still trying to work things out with my W, however I need to continue to work on me and think less about what she is doing.

[beachbum1974]

Update:

 

My W and I had a rough week. I caught her in two seperate lies. One from back in September and one last week. According to cell phone records, my W was not where she said she was. She told me she lies because she doesn't want to argue about stupid issues. Not sure if that's what women do or just my W. I'm a firm believer in honesty is the best policy.

 

We had MC today. We talked about the one issue we have....trust. My W said she doesn't trust me not to look into what she is doing, phone records, e-mail etc.....and I don't trust her not to lie to me. I think we can work out the trust issue, but it's going to take a lot of work. She told the MC she didn't know if she would ever truely trust me. The crazy part of this is I've never cheated and I don't lie. The issue seems to be a cause and effect. I feel like I need to check into what she is doing because she is lying. She said she feels the need to lie because I check up on her. Seems like a simple fix. No lies, no trust issues.

 

After MC, my W came over to the house. I made chicken marsala and we watched tv. I made the mistake of asking her to stay the night. She told me she had to finish up on some things for work and left around midnight. When she got home I got a text thanking me for a good night. I guess we're heading in the right direction again. If she can only be honest with me, I think we can do this.

[Gunny376]

OK IMHO it comes down to this?

 

One is the wife is listening to the "biological clock" ticking and she wants (Needs?) to have a baby. She cannot accept the medical fact that its her body that's keeping her from doing so.

 

So who's to blame? That would be you!

 

This kicks in trust issues, and your big ugly green monster (aka jealousy) raises its head.

 

Jealousy is nothing more than a lack of confidence in oneself to take on any and all comers.

 

Jealousy raises its head, self doubt ensues, self confidence flies out the window, trust is in doubt?

 

Your caught up in a never ending downward spiral. The nightmare and monster is feeding upon itself.

 

The highest at risk divorce groups?

 

Men that marry under the age of 25

 

Men that marry under the age of 25 because the woman became Pregno

 

Couples who have lost a child

 

Couples that cannot become Pregno!

 

Women that are married to military or para military types, (Police, state troopers, sheriff's deputies, fireman, par-medics, para-rescue)

 

This is the issue ~ she wants and needs a child of her own!

[sumdude]

Update:

 

My W and I had a rough week. I caught her in two seperate lies. One from back in September and one last week. According to cell phone records, my W was not where she said she was. She told me she lies because she doesn't want to argue about stupid issues. Not sure if that's what women do or just my W. I'm a firm believer in honesty is the best policy.

 

 

Why would someone lie about such things?

 

Why do people lie in general? I'm not talking about little white lies.

 

Fear in all of it's forms. Guilt, shame.. low self esteem.

 

I was married to a compulsive liar, have a little experience with it. Not that your wife is one.

 

She's trying to make you responsible for her own actions. The real question is why would she lie about 'stupid issues'? If they are so trivial then there would be no need to cover up.

 

Gunny's right in some of what he just posted. Again I find interesting parallels to your situation and what I went through. My ex & I were trying to conceive and she wasn't able to. She was on hormone therapy which really messed with her emotional and mental state. In fact at one point she had her fertility doc set up a semen analysis for me. My wife then came back to me saying it was low and I needed to stop drinking and do all these other things. I asked to see the report and she was evasive. We argued about it, I felt i was being manipulated. Months after we split I went and got my own copy, my results showed that I was quite virile and everything was normal.

 

Why did she lie? One motivation may have been to try to get me to live a healthier life and that was fine except... Problem was my gut instinct knew that something wasn't right, trust was just not there. Things kept spiraling down from there.

 

In the end she had an affair and left me for a single father. I think she wanted to be a mom or at least a step mom that badly.

Edited January 30, 2010 by sumdude

[seibert253]

If she can't be honest with you, and you cannot trust her, pretty obvious why, why are you being so nice?

 

Maybe you need a more hardcore approach.

 

Pretty simple; "I check up on you because I do not trust you. You will not be honest with me. I cannot trust you if you will not be honest. If you cannot be honest, then we are wasting our time".

 

Just my .02

[beachbum1974]

You guys raise some excellent points. First, I have no idea why someone would lie about things that do not matter. My W says she lies to illiminate any type of verbal conflict. I feel the only disagreements we have are about her lies. The MC said our situation is "very fixable." She believes our issue is soley trust. Again, I have a problem trusting what she says and feel the need to check up to validate her story. If she told the truth, I would gain that trust back and not check into her stories. She claims I ask her too many questions when she goes out or is with friends. I feel like I ask questions to show to her I am truely interestd in her life....not because I'm fishing for information to start an argument. That is absolutely not my goal at all.

 

As for the pregnancy angle. I did go and have my semen checked. I was told I am fine. The MC told my W she believed a child would bring us closer together. The MC told me she has never gave anyone that advice before. The MC said she believes we would be great parents. She told me my W is trying to fill that void by going out with friends and alienating herself from the marriage. I have never made my W feel responsible for us not being able to conceive.

 

My W had plans to go to her girlfriends house tonight. It snowed quite a bit in here in the Northeast so I sent her a text stating, "I hope the snow lets up and you make it out tonight. Have a great time and be careful. love u" She replied, "Thanks, I appreciate that. Have fun tonight too and be careful. Love u 2. Thanks for giving me his time and space."

I replied, "Your welcome. Thank u for having faith in me. Have fun ." She then replied, "Same here....don't say yest to any skanks at the bar. lol."

 

Gunny, you make perfect sense about the jealousy issue. Most of the problem has been my insecurities. I never realized I had insecurities, but I do. I'm dealing with those issues now and believe I can overcome them over time. I do think the lies add to the insecurities and my jealousy issues. My W has always been able to go out with friends, go on business trips etc. I used to ask a lot of questions and I think my W got tired of answering them all. If I just trust her completely, she may be able to let go of her trust issues for me. Sounds simple.

 

I think I should go back to basics and listen to a lot of the advice posted here. I'm going to concentrate on myself and not focus on my W at all. I need to stay on course and make her want me back. She is definitely a little jealous in reference to some of the things I've done lately. Sorry so lengthy.

[Gunny376]

You can't live your life for nor through your spouse nor your children.

 

Just not "do-able" ~ so much like landing an airliner that had a 'bird-crash' over NYNY and that had to land in the Hudson River.

 

Live your life for yourself, improvise, adapt and over come,

 

Most of all ~ LEARN DAMNIT! LEARN!

 

Don't fall into the trap that everything you ever needed to know you learned in Kindgergarden even though a lot of what you needed to know you did?

 

Knowledge builds upon knowledge.

[beachbum1974]

Great advice again Gunny. This is truely a major learning experience for me, either way.

 

My W told me Sun. night she needs time and space again. She said we have been talking everyday and she thinks its a bad idea right now. She sent me two texts and called me on Mon. night. The conversation was relaxing and we never mentioned the marriage or relationship issues. She asked if I cared if she went to a concert with friends on Fri. Feb. 12th. I told her I want her to go to the concert and have a great time. She asked if I was going to make plans to spend Valentines Day with her on Saturday night. I'm getting the mixed signals again.

 

Sun. night: "we need space."

 

Monday: "She called me, told me she wanted to have dinner on Wed. night and asked if we were doing anything for Valentines Day."

 

 

During our conversation last night she asked me to call her on Tues. morning about information she is seeking. I think I will send her a text with the info. instead. Wed. we have MC appointment and she said she wants to come over our house afterwards for dinner and hang out with the dog. I think my W is very hormonal and has extreme highs and lows. Yesterday must have been a high. Aunt Flo is coming to town this week, so maybe she is the culprit. I don't know, but its exhausting trying to keep up.

 

I still read and re-read a lot of posts on this thread and others. The advice is invaluable and I try to absorb it all like a sponge. "Concentrate on myself, stay busy, workout, NC, learn...." Its all starting to sink in and make more sense now that I stepped away from things. Thanks again.

[sumdude]

It's time to pull away a bit more again. She needs space? Give it to her. You make plans for yourself and go through with them. Right now you're waiting around for her. You are still reacting to her actions rather than acting on your own.

[Gunny376]

“I've had three wives, six children and six grandchildren and I still don't understand women”

 

John Wayne

[beachbum1974]

Update:

 

My W asked to have dinner with me last night. I made chicken cacciatore in the slow cooker, which was pretty tasty if I don't say so myself. She asked me to pick her up at her condo.

 

Once we got to our home, she laid on the sofa and fell asleep for about an hour. We ate dinner and watched t.v. We never talked about the relationship until I was about to drive her home.

 

I noticed my W's eyes were watery and asked her if she was ok. She told me it was hard for her to be at the house. I asked her if it was hard being at our home.....or leaving? She said both. We talked a little about what we need to do to get things back on track. The conversation was not heated and neither of us blamed the other for our situation. I did a lot more listening than talking. I've realized that works really well.

 

I drove my W to her condo and walked her inside. She told me she loved me and gave me a hug and kiss.

 

When I arrived back home, she called me and thanked me for a great night. She said it was the first completely positive night we've had in a long time. My W also told me she believes we can work through our trust issues and get through this together. I think we just need to trust each other and I need to continue to give her space and time. I have not called or text her since last night. I have not received any either.

 

I am cautiously optimistic after last night. I still need to continue to work on myself. I've been working out and spending more time with friends. I'm going out for beers and tacos tonight. This weekend we are scheduled to get a blizzard with up to 2 feet of snow. I may spend the weekend sitting by the fire with my guitar and a couple of beers. Thanks to all for your advice. I appreciate every word.

[citygal16]

ciao beachbum!

I'm in a very similar "limbo" situation with my H of 5 years... he's been "not sure" of wanting to be married for the last few months and I must admit that it's like a rare form of torture. As for you, do you think there is going to be the day when you just don't care what your wife thinks anymore? I feel like the longer she toys with your feelings the closer she'll be getting to you moving on without her.

 

I only say this because I've had this recent revelation myself and it's quite liberating. It literally turned off like switch...for MONTHS I was fighting for us and then POOF, I was done. We're still in an awkward position, but it's like I've taken the power back. I have my life back! And it doesn't mean that we may not end up together, but at least I'm rediscovering who I am as a person...and not the doormat that I've been for the last year.

 

Just wait...you'll wake up one day and it'll just be too much! And those nice homecooked meals you're making will be FINITO! LOL! My oven has seen the light of day in weeks

[beachbum1974]

ciao citygal,

 

I agree. This is a very rare form of torture. I'm not sure if there will be a day where I just don't care anymore. I know how I felt in the beginning...I cried a lot, lost 25 pounds, couldn't sleep, or think for that matter. Now I don't cry at all, I've taken advantage of the weight loss by exercising, and I sleep just fine. In the beginning phases of this mess, people at work thought I was ill because I lost so much weight. Just tonight one of my friends said I looked great, like I was gaining some of the weight back.

 

Do you and your husband still live together? How long has it been since he decided he didn't want to be married? What do you mean you have the power back? My W is 31...how old is your H?

 

I think our main issue is trust. She doesn't trust me not to look into what she is doing. Because of all the lies, I don't fully trust her right now. I think if she shows me she will be honest with me, I can learn to trust her again.

 

You may be right, I may wake up one day and not care anymore. I feel a little different everyday. I've tried so hard to keep us together and carry our marriage. I just hope one day she appreciates what I've sacraficed for us. At this point, I'm taking it one day at a time. Slow is fast...and fast is slow.

 

As for my new work in the kitchen, I actually look at recipes online and enjoy playing chef

 

I hope everything works out for you citygal. I'm also glad you've found yourself again...and your well. Keep me posted on your situation and thanks for posting.

[citygal16]

ciao bb--

I totally agree with you on the "I feel a little different everyday" -- everyday is a new story, a new painful element, just when I think it's hit "rock bottom", it actually gets worse! I'm trying to my best to keep a few things in check during this period: my humor, my hope and my self-worth. I feel like as long as I have those, I can move forward, regardless of which way this goes.

 

As for your trust issues...I think it's interesting that it's your W that doesn't trust YOU just because you snooped as little. Isn't she the one that was lying? If I remember right, did she have an EA? I just find this interesting because my H does the same thing, he ACTS in a certain way and then he throws it back in my face, that it's MY fault. He turns it around, so not only do I feel disrespected, but then I feel guilty like it's my fault. If SHE lied to YOU, and is not sure if she wants to be married, shouldn't YOU not be trusting HER? Don't let her convince you that this is YOUR fault. It's not. She's throwing away your marriage.

 

As for my "sitch"-- I am 31 as well, and my husband (who's 35) went to a hotel for a week, which was supposed to buy him time to find a temp apt...but he "couldn't find" anything and now he's back home. But it's suffocating, because talking about this issue isn't going to solve it. I think we both need time to figure out what's going on....aka he needs to live without me for a while and see how crap life is w/o me Which, let me tell you, would be v.bad. I was a REALLY good wife. One of the best.

 

But, alas, being a good, trustworthy wife has gotten me no where in life and marrying for love didn't turn out too good either... not sure where the future is going to go, but I'm trying to live one day at a time at this point...

 

it's just sad that I feel like I've made my vows and I want to follow through on them, but he's making it impossible to do. I NEVER would have thought my life would turn out this way, that's for sure. Everyone in my family is still married, so it's quite a shock for everyone. Anywho, hope the cooking goes well, I, too, love getting my recipes on the net, allrecipes.com is the bomb....these internets can be amazing ))

[sumdude]

bb and citygal:

 

Truth is right now you're probably the backup plan for your respective spouses. They want time or 'space' to see what life without you is like. To see what or who else might be out there. Meanwhile they feed you just enough to keep the seat warm if the current plan A doesn't work out. You're being used as the safety net. If their Plan A starts to take off they'll keep feeding you just enough until they're ready to jump and you'll still be where you are.

 

If you don't take the net away or give the impression that it's going away they will keep using you and not really respecting you. Don't you think it's time for them to know what life is really like without you? Do you want to be the backup plan?

[Brooke79]

Its funny how it seems like, all these types play from the same rulebook. Its almost like there is a twilight internet site out there from which they get advice just like we do here on LS. Citygal my H is the same, he lies and gets caught and somehow I am to blame and I am trying to be controlling for demanding the truth! Its really rather insulting to me, if I must say so. But I am like you, I said the vows, and made the pledge and its upsetting that I am the only one who truly meant it. Like you said, I know I am a good woman, I wish I couldve made my family with a good man and not such a huge lying jerk. Now he wants it all to go away, please look the other way and end the divorce talk, I want to raise the kids together, he pleads everyday. He has even offered after the baby is older to plan for a trip to Rome. Hmmm is that another lie or are you telling the truth right now because your track record stinks right now.