How can I bring my wife home for Christmas?

[citygal16]

wow-- brooke79...it's nice to hear from another woman going through the same thing! I have noticed alot on these boards that it's usually the wife who plays this "back and forth" game. And VERY interesting that your H wants to plan a trip to Rome, because just yesterday, my H said "why don't we go on vacation next week? Turks and Caicos or something?" I was like, a trip isn't going to fix this!

 

It's just SOOOOO hard because the back and forth of it makes me feel like if I leave because I am fed up with it, that I'll be to blame for the breakup of the marriage! And I REALLY don't deserve the blame. The funny thing is, is that when we married, he was actually a REALLY nice guy from a REALLY good family....and he was a bit geeky and shy, too. I'm an outgoing, blond American who had tons of friends, who works in the entertainment business. He did really well for himself and now look what happened! Obviously, it's some sort of power play or something... but I'm done with it. I'm in a coffee shop right now while he's at home packing to go to a hotel. And here's the kicker...it's our 5 year anniversary on Sunday. LOL!

[beachbum1974]

Yesterday my W and I had a very nice lunch. We ordered our favorite sushi rolls and talked. We talked about what we needed to do to get our marriage back on track. Honesty was the theme.

 

Her girlfriend is driving down to hang out with her for the weekend. She is a poor influence on my W. She is going through a seperation with her H at this time, and I believe misery loves company.

 

Last night I hung out with friends at the local pub. It snowed two feet here and my W sent me several text messages last night to see what I was doing. At one point I was in a car with two of my friends and a girl. My W asked who I was with and I told her. She was very jealous about the girl in the car with us. She went so far to check the girls facebook account. She called me at 2:30 am, because she "had a bad dream." I think she called to see if I was home alone.

 

I feel like the backup plan, and it sucks. When my W is around, we have nice conversation, and a great time. When she is with her "friends", she is very selfish and self centered. Tonight, she went out with friends and told me she would call when she got to her destination. That was at 3pm. It's been obvious my W doesn't care about my feelings. She is vague about facts, details and even lies when "necessary" lie. When she asks me what I'm doing, I tell her everything.

 

I know what you guys are saying about the lies and track records of our H/W's. My W seems like a confused child. My problem seems like such an easy fix. I keep telling myself to play hardball, but find myself caving in when she calls. I need to stay the course.

 

Sumdude: I think your right on with the safety net analogy. She knows I'm there for her when she needs me. I need to let her know I'm not a doormat or a safety net. And I need to do it not by saying a word, but by my actions. I just dug my SUV out of the driveway and I'm gearing up to to out with friends.

 

Brook and Citygal: Its nice to get a womans point of view on these issues. Thanks. I think your husbands are in the same boat as my wife. For some reason, my W turned 30 and feels like she's not sure about life in general. I believe eventually, our spouses will realize how bad they screwed up. The issue will then be whether we are prepared to let them back into our hearts.

[tnttim]

My W's is 30 too, mid life crisis maybe. IMO you should make her suffer and quit being her fall guy. I would go NC and leave her the hell alone. Keep having fun with your friends and now she can wonder what your doing, like you do when she is gone. I hate this saying but it's so true, if you love her let her go, if she comes back she's your forever. The last part is BS, but the first part is 100% the truth. If you like being a doormat, then continue on your path.

[RobM]

I've been reading this thread but stayed out of it because it seems like you're so intent on saving your marriage and all my thoughts are just give up. Marriage should be mostly good, this is torture. There are other women out there you could spend your life with, women that will treat you so much better.

 

Do you believe this is the only woman you could ever be happy with? I would stop dating her, stop texting and talking to her all the time, I would move on and start planning a new life without her.

[citygal16]

I totally shouldn't be writing because I've had a few and one of my biggest pet peeves is being inarticulate. Regardless.... bb1974... VERY interesting that your wife was jealous of the girl in your car... because last night, I went out with my friends to an industry party, you know, red carpet, D-list celebs, the whole ridiculously fake nine yards...and I was out till the wee hours.... then, this morning, he emailed me that he had a "dream that I cheated on him" --- now, of course, I didn't cheat on him! I've been fighting through hell and tears for 1.5 years trying to salvage our marriage...obviously I wouldn't cheat... BUT why would he say that?? W.E.I.R.D.

 

BUT this brings me along to an interesting thought....when I read about stories like you, bb1974, it seems so obvious that you deserve better than what you're getting and you need to move on...but then, when it's ME and my situation, I feel like, "well, my H is different, he does really care, he really is a nice guy" -- but am I just making excuses??? Why is it so easy to see what to do from the outside? And can I throw away my marriage because I know what is logically the right thing to do? Why are we fighting logic?

[Gunny376]

Me? Pre divorce? Desperate to do anything to save the marriage, up to an including giving up a sixteen year military career with only four freaking years to go until I retire with full medical, dental, commissary, PX, Space A, MWR benefits. (MAN! I'm glad I didn't! My medical and dental premiums via the military TRICARE system are only about $50. Medical insurance premiums where I currently work for a married couple is around $850 a month after tax )

 

Me? Post divorce? There's not a woman on the planet that I can't and not willing to "walk" in a freaking heartbeat.

 

And if she "walks" on me? She will get the following ~ "That's fine, do what you have to do. But understand this and understand it well! Once you walk out that door, there's no coming back! EVER! I don't care if you shut it and immediately do a 180 as you close the door."

 

I've read Divorcebusting, MarriageBuilders, etc, and have been studying divorce since mine went down 20 years ago.

 

There's one thing and on thing that works. Being decisive from the beginning.

 

And fellows, its not a MLC, many women when they get into their late twenties to their onset of their forties go through a hormonal surge. We're talking about progestogen, estrogen, testosterone.

 

And that varies not just year to year, month to month, but literally week to week if not day to day. Your average woman's hormonal cycle during any given month is HELL!

 

Throw in any problems with the thyroid and pituitary glands? Along with PMS, PPMS, (not to mention TPMS ~ "Tired Of Putting UP With Men's S***!" ) And its on.

 

But wait! Lets make "tha' game" even more interesting! Lets throw in that men and women not only "think" differently, "feel" differently about things, communicate differently ~ and there's no freaking wonder things are the way they are between men and women.

 

The best thing you can do BB1974 is to let her know in no uncertain terms that your not her back-up plan, her fall back plan, her Plan "B" her doormat ~ zilch, nothing, Nada.

 

In other words you've got to go DefCon 4 on her, and drop "tha' bomb!"

 

One of two things will happen?

 

One she will come running back begging forgiveness!

 

Two? She'll choose her "New" life and friends over you!

 

Either way? In the mid to short term your better off without her.

 

If she does come begging back? You set the terms of engagement and the conditions for reconciliation.

 

1. IC and MC for both.

 

2. A complete medical and pyschological physical (Just to check to see if there are any medical or pyschological reasons for either of your behavior)

 

3. On going self education about men, women, relationships, seduction, romance, sex, cross gender communication, interpersonal relationships (not just with each other ~ but with in-laws, out-laws, children, relatives, friends etc.)

 

(Sidebar ~ What's the difference between in-laws and out-laws? Out-laws know their wanted!)

 

And your going to have to do all this anyway ~ least you find yourself in the same situation again. One of the definitions of insanity is doing the same thing over and over ~ failing ~ all the while expecting different results.

 

In closing one of the things that I recommend you do is read Helen Hunt's "DebtProof Living" and Dave Ramsey's "Complete Money Makeover" (I personally prefer Helen over Dave's method)

 

Whether you stay with the wife, get back with the wife, or move on with someone else? Your going to have to first get your financial house in order.

 

If you read most personal financial books they speak of the importance of tracking your spending, (If you watch your pennies, you want have to worry about your dollars) budgeting and such.

 

Most speak of budgeting for rent, the mortgage, the electricity, the gas, yada, yada!

 

One of the things that you need to budget for is ~ romance! Once a week dinners out without the kids. Budgeting for a babysitter, going out to dinner. About once a quarter ~ for just a weekend skipping off to a motel, hotel or a B&B. Just for two days.

 

To that I would recommend your reading "Light Her Fire" and for her "Light His Fire" (but don't let her read your book ~ and don't read her book!)

 

And then read together her (Hellen Kreigman) book ~ "How Can We Light A Fire When the Children Are Driving Us Crazy"

 

Finally takes a 'fool's advice' and slow down! Quit trying to be all, have all, "work to live ~ not live to work!"

 

Simply your life, make it as un-complicated as it can be!

 

Go the richest neighborhood in town, "Country Club Drive" or whatever. Then go talk to your banker and he will tell you that those folks that have the 4,000 sq ft homes, the big boat, the Lexus and MB cars? They're about two to three months from being foreclosed on. Most of them are one paycheck away from not having any food in the fridge. They're CC's are maxed out and American Express is calling about your making this month's payment!

 

Now go to the "middle class of town" ~that's where your millionaires are.

 

A lot of where of you and I have been is due to job related ~ and earning a living stress!

 

That is to say ~ "When we initially started out? Before the hostile local Indians, water moccasins, rattlesnakes, scorpions, spiders, mud, bog, suite, mosquitoes, ticks, chiggers, and rising river?

 

Was to drain the swamp!"

 

Its time to "Catch the Bus to Mexico" (Shawshank Redemtion) my friend!

 

It's time to simply your life!

[beachbum1974]

Everyone: Thank you for the posts. I find it very difficult to follow great advice when it comes down to my M. It seems so clear to me when I read your posts. So easy. Why can't I just move on? I'm not the type of guy who is a push over either. I would never allow anyone else to treat me this way. The re-occurring problem seems to be my W sends me mixed messages daily. Gunny, it makes complete sense what you've described in reference to the hormonal changes in a woman. My W has said she feels differently day to day and even hour to hour. She acts like a confused teenager. When we are together she does not exhibit any of those juvenile traits. When she is with her "friends" from work, the child comes out.

 

I know I deserve better. All of my friends, her friends and our families have said the same thing to me. I have a thirteen year investment into my relationship and M. I know my W and have seen her at her best. Unfortunately, I have seen her at her worst now too. I was hoping she would wake up one day and realize the mistakes she has made in regards to our M. I know I wasn't the all-star husband, but I certainly wasn't a bad one either....not even close. My friends can't believe I actually take some blame for us being in this situation. I simply took my W and our M for granted.

 

Rob M: You asked if I believed this is the only woman who could make me happy? I'm really not sure how to answer that question. I was married five years ago. I took my vows very seriously and swore I would never give up on my W or my M no matter what. When the Priest said for richer or poorer....I never thought sure, unless we were poor. In sickness and in health....I never thought absolutely, unless my W becomes sick. I guess there is someone out there who can make me happy, but I didn't marry them....I married my W.

 

citygal: I know excactly what you mean in reference to defying logic. It frustrates my friends, family and I'm sure some of the people who read about my situation on LS. It frustrates me too. I can only reiterate what I said earlier about having a history with your spouse. Nobody else has seen them at their best, except for us.

 

tnttim: I agree with the advice of leaving my W alone. I called her earlier this morning and now want to go NC for a while. A few weeks ago, I went NC and it worked really well. After a few days, she began calling frequently to check up on what I was doing. I need her to get curious or worried again.

 

Gunny: Your advice is spot on as usual. I need to let her know this is unacceptable and I'm not going to be the doormat, backup plan or safety net. I need to just be. I need to simplify my life as you have said.

 

We are already seeing a MC both together and individually. She has provided a lot of very good advice and insight. The complete physical and psychological examination is a great idea. The MC believes my W has pent up anger and is depressed for some reason and actually told her she should be taking a "mood enhancer." My W is completely against it. As for the education, I have read Marriage Busters and We Can Make It. I also believe reading other threads on LS is very educational as well. I have learned so much about maintaining a healthy relationship during this period. I just hope I have an opportunity to apply what I have learned to my M.

 

In closing, last night I went out with friends. I didn't walk in the house until early this morning. I called my W who said she is at a girlfriends home with another of her girlfriends. My W asked numerous questions about who I was with and where I went last night. She has become increasingly jealous over the past few weeks. I need to stop calling her and let her call me. This is something I've struggled with from the beginning.

 

Again, thanks all for reading my posts and for your responses. I do value your advice.

[beachbum1974]

Update:

 

I exposed another lie from my W last week. During a snowstorm, last weekend she had a girlfriend stay over at her condo. On Saturday, they left with another "girlfriend" to hang out. My W stayed the night at another location for an apparent "girls" weekend. On Tuesday, I saw a picture of my W and another guy who she works with on the beach after the snowstorm. She lied and told me he was not there, until I told her I saw a picture of them together. My W verbally attacked me for checking up on her and was adament she is only "friends" with this guy. She told me she has never been physical and there is no emotional connection with him.

 

She stayed at our home with me Tues, Wed, and Thurs. nights. We were actually physical on Tues and Wed night for the first time in 2 1/2 months. We didn't talk about the relationship and things were very relaxed all week for both of us.

 

My W went out with her friends on Friday night to a concert and stayed at a girlfriends house. Last night we went to dinner at a very nice restaurant. We began to talk about her coming home and things just went downhill fast. She told me she still doesn't trust me. She doesn't trust I am not going to check into her actions. My stance is....Don't lie and you have nothing to worry about. Again, our marriage is now faltering on a trust issue. I can't trust her and she can't trust me.

 

This morning we talked and she re-emphaized how she wants me to back off and let her be. I have been doing just that, but she pulls me back into her web. Later in the afternoon, she called and asked if I would be interested in having sushi for dinner with her sometime this week. She is very confusing to me. I'm going to pass on the sushi night and go NC at this point.

 

My W is going on a business trip the first week in March. Yes, the guy I suspected of being a major issue in our marriage is going as well. I just booked a cruise for the first week in March. I will be somewhere in the Carribbean trying to forget about life for a while with a friend.

 

It's something different everyday. Seems like an easy fix to me. Be honest and there will be no problems. I feel if my W is going to cheat on me I can't stop her. I will have to make a decision if I learn there is an affair. I doubt I will be able to forgive her and forget it. I will continue to work on me and think less about my W. I think it's the only way this will ever work.

[Doing it Since '78]

BB74,

 

I have been following your saga, and I just have to say, treat the relationship as if she is actually having an affair. Prepare yourself for the sad truth when her "alter ego" is finally exposed to you. All of the signs point to another dude in the picture, from the newfound jealousy issues she is having, to the anger at you for her lying, she is not to be trusted at this point. All you are doing is falling deeper in, and when (not if, but when) the truth is exposed to you, the hurt is going to be even worse. Go NC, and let her go. she is more than likely already gone, and she might just want to keep you at bay in case something doesn't work out. Ask yourself this one, are you okay with being her back up plan?

 

I realized when my stbxw ran out on me and my family, it had more to do with her not wanting our life (kids, bills, bills, kids and then maybe QT with me) more than her lusting after the janitor.

 

Your wife is no longer the woman you married, and irregardless of what you want, she will never be that person again. She can't even be honest about little things, what makes you think she will be honest about whether she is having an affair or not?

[Chrome Barracuda]

I think you need to just divorce her, she isnt coming back and you need to stop being her friend!!!

 

Stop taking her out and be NC with her!!!!

 

Finish what she started!

[beachbum1974]

I think your both right. She sent me a text a little while ago asking me how the leftovers were from dinner last night. I never responded. We have a MC appointment on Friday. We will have a lot to talk about.

 

She does lie about a lot of things. And I agree, how can I believe her when she says she is not having an affair, when she lies about the little things. I am going to stay in NC and hopefully she gets the picture. I fought really hard for her for a long, long time. I'm emotionally exhausted. I don't think I will ever be able to trust her again.

 

I just don't know where to start now. I have a lot of thinking to do. I know she will try and pull me back into her life and use me as a safety net. Maybe I'm naive about the whole affair saga. She swears there is nothing going on....swears she has never had an affair. Why wouldn't she just want the divorce already if she was so intent on this affair? Why continue to try and work things out with me? Why tell me he is nothing more than an aquaintance? Do they all lie about these things? Do they ever tell you the truth?

[Chrome Barracuda]

they will keep lying until you have point blank proof.

 

But maybe she's not cheating but hell id be damned if I was married and my wife treated me like garbage the way she does you.

 

She needs a fresh persepctive show her what it's like without you in her life. I mean block her number only contact if it's about business or the house. and basically live your own life like she doesnt exist!

 

Ether she'll ask for the divorce or she'll try to get you back for real but why are you so willing to settle for the crumbs!

 

Tell her to shove her pity, you dont need it. You are your own person, you can live without her. just like you did before, These little games she's playing with you is rather sickening.

 

It's downright disgusting.

[Doing it Since '78]

BB74,

 

Let her go brother. She is having an identity crisis, meaning that she may not be sure what she wants, but guess what she is pretty sure what she DOESN'T want, and sorry my dude, but it is not you.

 

The thing you both had is done, finished, over. She gets it, but because you don't, why not be careless, and insensitive to your feelings. She is treating you worse than you ever would do her, and that should tell you something. You would never treat her this way because you love and care for her feelings, emotions and well being. If she can treat you this way, well guess what, she does not think of you the same way.

 

Allow her to self-destruct on her own terms, and allow her to understand this is a game that she began, and you just played chess, while she played checkers. It should be over from your standpoint, whether she can make her mind up or not, make your mind up and declare enough. Why should you settle for half a woman who decided she will take you as a silver medal. Don't you think if you are giving a gold performance, shouldn't you win the game? In her mind you don't deserve gold, and no matter what you do you will always be second place because the joker who can not give her anything but being different from what she had (which wasn't bad, but also not perfect), is better than you, WTF can you do?

 

If this was an old college buddy who treated you like $hit, would you stand for it? Hell no. So what makes her any different, besides the obvious. But if you look at her for a second in the same light, you will get it. She is in a transition phase and doing something about it. Dude do the same. Enough is enough, but only you can make that call, she has but only you can avoid being her personal joke and doormat.

[Brooke79]

Yea beachbum, I think gunny said it best, learn.....as much as I am rooting for you because clearly love your wife, it doesn't sound like she is at that same place. You deserve better. I am sure its hard, but clearly you have tried your method and yet you are still in limbo. These things do take time, but I just don't get the feeling that your wife is on the path to getting back together from what you write. Not saying give up, but let go I guess and move on.

[beachbum1974]

Barracuda: It is downright disgusting....Your right, if she wants to come back she will....if not she's already gone.

 

Doing it since 78: I think she is having an identity crisis. If an old college buddy treated me this way, I would have written him off. But it's my wife, not my college drinking buddy. I agree, I continue to be her doormat and I need to change. I do need to let her go. Your right.

 

 

ulfat343: I wish it were that simple. If it only took a hug to change my life. I would actually give up every material possession for eternal happiness with my W.

 

Brook: I'm trying to move on but I continue to get tangled in her web. I'm going on a cruise the first week of March. She believes it will help us decompress a bit. I think it's an excuse for me to self medicate with strong alcoholic beverages and sunshine for an entire week. I will also be incommunicado. I believe this cruise is a step in the right direction.

 

We talked today after a little bump in the road. My W told me she wants to be home and happily coexist, but she's not ready yet. Sounds like she has her cake and is eating it. Last time I went NC, she came running back after about a week. She's been very jealous as of late contacting girls who have expressed interest in me and letting them have it verbally.

 

I am exhausted. Both physically and emotionally. I don't know how much more I can take. I feel like the doormat in a busy NYC hotel. I have learned a lot from this experience, more than I had hoped. I can barely remember back when my life was so simple. Thanks for the replies and support.

[PWSX3]

I would not let her back into the house until you start doing MC & she needs to show you signs or prove that she is working on the marriage, not just wanting back in the house so she can still have her cake & desert someone else....

 

When m former W moved out the counselor I was seeing said if she was to come back he didn't want us moving back for at least 6 months & in that six months we would do counseling & some type of marriage classes......

[beachbum1974]

Update:

 

My W and I spent last weekend together. We had dinner out on Friday night and a movie at home. She spent the night. Saturday we hung out and went shopping all afternoon. We had dinner out again Saturday night with another couple we have been friends with for a long time. It was a nice relaxing weekend.

 

This week she called and told me she feels we are moving in the right direction. She told me yesterday she wants to have children and quit her job. Things are moving in the right direction, but I'm still not getting my hopes up. I am scheduled to go away on a cruise on Monday and I'm hoping this isn't a ploy to reel me in, just to let me down when I get home. She told me tonight she is not far off from coming home. Only time will tell.

 

The advice and support I've received on here has been incredible. I am now living my life and doing what I need to do to survive on my own. I have basically let everything else figure itself out and stopped being so needy. I am independant now. I am confident. It really works when you actually step away from the marriage and let things work themselves out. Hopefully, things will continue to get better....if not.....I'm in a good place.

[PWSX3]

Without counseling or some type of outside help if she moves back in I'm afraid it won't be long & you will be back to the old place. I hate to say that but I've been there & did that.......

[nowomanocry]

Most of the previous advice has been pretty on.

Right now every time you try to get her to come back you are actually pushing her away.

 

Ever had a cat as a pet?

 

Ever really wanted it to sit on your lap and every time you picked it up and put it there it left right away?

 

But then you ignored it for a long time, didn't think about it and went about your life. Suddenly it's in your lap all the time?

 

You need to take the same approach with your wife right now.

 

You did it some and it worked but then you slipped back into appearing needy.

 

There may or may not be someone else. BUT there is at least the possibility in her head of someone else if not now in the near future.

 

DO NOT FREAK OUT!

 

You need to go against your instincts and play hard to get.

 

 

However you may feel on the inside, when you interact with her..

 

-Stay calm.

-Act happy a bit distant and OK with how things are.

-Do not chase.

-Do not beg.

-Do not talk about love or the future.

-Do not buy fancy gifts, trips etc.

-Do not make plans.

-Do not spend time together like you're 'just friends'.

-Do not be too available to her! By phone, text or otherwise.

 

-Get out in life on your own and find ways to have fun.

-Hang out with your buddies or find new people to hang out with.

-Flirt with other women, don't get emotionally or physically involved but enjoy their company. Get used to the idea that other women are interested in you.

-Stay busy so you're not just waiting around for her to call or text.

 

You need her to be attracted to you again but she needs to work to come back to you.

People always seem to be attracted to what they can't get..

 

Which is how you must feel right now.

SO

You must turn the tables on her.

 

Good luck, I hope it works out.

 

Sumdude has summed it all up and I see you are still insisting on your own way which I respect but your way unfortunately has proven wrong obviously when we see the reality that this thread is on since 9th of Dec 2009 and no improvement whatsoever.

 

When I got dumped despite all that I did carrying the whole relationship myself financially in the end it came to a point where she said "it's over" and I had to approve. I said why and she said "THINGS CAN CHANGE" When I asked what all those sms'es were for (you know the typical crap like "u r mine 4eva" "thanks for loving me" "live in a dustbin with you" etc etc all friggin lies ) her answer to that was "I do not know" and she saw the situation was in favor for her and was "FOR HER BENEFIT" bla bla bla

 

There is a simple rule to dealing with women: If you chase she will run away. If you give she will ask for more. So if you give her a vacation as a present she will ask you to buy the island you went for her lol. So it goes...

 

Believe me life is too short, I really regret all the time, money, energy for the woman whom I loved. But now it was good that she said all that to me made me wake up from a fake dream. Not trying to be funny or no offences to any lovely ladies who might be here on this site but I seriously think now that it is not worth wasting your time devoted to one single woman. Go out, have fun, socialise, go clubbing, meet your old schoomates, there are loads of 'em out there spend your money & time on those who are worth and do not forget - no more romance and if a woman says she is "in love with you" after a fling than run away and never look back lol

 

I look around me and out of 10 of me mates who got married (I am single) 9 of them have divorced and they come from very different social backgrounds. So money is not a guarantee either to save your marriage. The reasons for these divorces are so funny you would not believe it. ,

 

Why make life difficult for yourself while there is a great life waiting for you out there (without her)

 

Good luck and hope to hear good news from you mate

 

PS SUMDUDE: We had cats because she loved 'em and now I am very glad that I kicked 'em all around the house - at least sum relief that I was & can be a bad guy too (an a.....e like her ex who gave her 4 kids)

[Gunny376]

nowomanocry

 

Damnned near had to dial 911 I was laughing so hard ~ couldn't catrch my breath! :lmao:

[nowomanocry]

Good to read I can cheer-up sum mates on here lol

[Brooke79]

Well beachbum sounds promising. I hope it all works out. Good luck to, remember every situation is unique, what might be for some might not be for you. You sound like you are ready either way it goes, here's to hoping its positive.

[beachbum1974]

Life is funny.....histerical actually when you think about it. Last night my W called and asked what I was doing. I told her I had no plans, but was definitely going out somewhere. She seemed very insecure on the phone asking my 50 questions. I told her I refused to sit home and wait for her to come back. She asked if we could go to dinner and talk. I agreed.

 

We had a really nice dinner at our favorite Italian restaurant. During the conversation, she told me she almost ready to come home. She again brought up having children together and moving forward. I continue to let her know I want her to come home, but I'm moving forward either way. She definitely feels she may be losing me. I have stopped chasing completely. Any contact, either telephone calls or text are initiated by her. I have been going to the gym and spending a lot of time with friends.

 

Tomorrow she is going on a business trip for the week, and I leave for my cruise on Monday. She asked to come over and hang out this afternoon. We ate lunch and she told me she loved me about ten times. After she left, I received a text message about an hour later again telling me she loved me.

 

I'm cautiously optimistic. We are still attending marriage counseling once a week. The last session we had, things went well. The MC told us she sees real promise and progress. My W is now looking forward to going to MC, unlike she did in the beginning of the separation.

 

There have been so many great posts on here. I have learned so many valuable lessons. I learned it's very difficult to follow advice when you are so emotionally attached. Once I was able to detach myself a little, I made better decisions. What helped me detach was working on myself, going to the gym, spending time with friends, eating right, and accepting things I couldn't change. I learned my relatioinship was no different than many relationships. They're games. You chase...they run. You walk away....they chase you. There is a seeker and a sought! I was a seeker and needed to be sought. Things seem to be moving in the right direction. I am in a better place now, either way. Thanks again to everyone who posted and supported me through this ordeal. I will continue to post updates when I return from my trip. Thanks again!

[2sunny]

what the heck is she pushing so hard for quitting her work and having kids for?

 

isn't she putting the cart before the horse? i think so!

 

i'd tell her IF she shows by her actions that she is worthy of a place in your life and has done the hard work to sustain a healthy happy environment for two years after you get back together - you can discuss it then. to jump to such a huge commitment as kids are - in an unpredictable, unstable relationship is not wise at all. do not agree to such a leap until she has proven that she will honor what marriage entails... the kids should only be a consideration down the road.

 

i still can't believe she would ask you for this when she's not even "all in" as far as the marriage goes. come on = proper order of things makes life so much easier... is she being delusional? this isn't even realistic thinking.

[linwood]

Beachbum,

 

I`ve read this whole thread and I`ve gotta tell you it`s even painful to read.

 

Here`s what you`ve got to do and should have done a month ago.

 

1>Get hard evidence that your wife is cheating(Because she is and you are the only rational person who knows this story who thinks she might not be.)

Confront her with it.

Her habit of accusing you of being untrustworthy only comes up when you`ve busted her being untrustworthy.

It`s a lot easier for her to defend herself by going offensive.

This is a classic liars habit absolutely a classic move.

They all do it.

I guarantee you just from reading this thread your wife will snap and start an angry tirade about how YOU are wrong for not trusting her.

 

2>Empty your bank accounts and open new ones.

Change the locks.

 

3>Buy your wife a scanner and drop it off at her condo with every other material item she owns and most of those you own.

 

4>Don`t call her, don`t text her, don`t answer any call she makes.

 

5>File for divorce ASAP!!

 

The next move depends upon how she reacts to being served.

If she has any other reaction than crawling,pleading,sobbing,and begging for your forgiveness then go through with the divorce and protect yourself as best you can.

 

If she does come back crying,begging, sobbing, and pleading for your forgiveness...

 

1>Right then and there tell her to use the house phone(with you on the another line) to call the OM and right in front of you tell him she will never see him or speak to him again and any communication from him will be ignored.

She does this right there in front of you so you can hear everything.

This is a dealbreaker, she will do this with no weaseling or bull**** or it`s done.

 

2>You own her.

She must earn your trust back and show you she truly knows she ****ed up and is invested in the marriage.

You can regain this trust but it takes a very very long time and the time is only lessened by her willingness to have her every move scrutinized for however long it takes.

 

3>Keep being the good loving husband you`ve always been and don`t torture her over her affair if she is truly doing what she needs to do to fix it.

 

This can be done if the two of you are strong enough and want the marraige enough.

 

But beachbum you`ve got to stop letting her string you along.

 

Total NC, file for divorce, see what she does.

 

The affair needs to be exposed and evidenced immediately as nothing can be based on any solid foundation until it is.

 

Just my thoughts.

Edited February 28, 2010 by linwood