How can I bring my wife home for Christmas?

[Lostnconfused78]

ok.. I have to post.. I being on the other side of this.. I've been with my H 8 yrs.. married 7.. in my sitituation I really need the space.. its not that I want anyone else.. cause that isnt the case.. but that being said..

 

you need to go with the NC cause.. right now with whats going on with me.. he's still here and always up my butt.. and its not helping buying me things.. flowes ect. and it makes me wanna run farther away. I hope this gives you alittle insight.. there isnt always someone else.. sometimes it is what it is.. if your W feels anything like I do I feel for her.. and you for that matter.. I know it sux.. wish I could get that threw my H head! go with the NC and stick with it, no dinners,texting,nothing.

[Gunny376]

I don't know your story Gunny, but I will research it and try to follow your lead as well.

 

LOL!

 

This made me thing of the movie War Games... Global Thermonuclear War...The only way to win is not to play at all.

 

How about a nice game of chess?

 

 

There's not much to follow ~ I long ago opted for the "War Games" option. The fact of the matter is? Most people are just simply LTR material.

 

Enough people pull it off to make all the rest think they can pull it off. But most people simply aren't LTR material. Be they men? Be they women? Let alone marriage material?

 

One might ~ MIGHT meet one or two people in a lifetime that is the so-called "One"

 

But to me? Its all a socitial ~ cultural myth, fallacey ~ lie!

 

I would like to indulge it? But the fact of the matter is? I simply do not have the life years left to keep going through that crap over and over. To keep going back to WalMart, Sears, JC Penny's buying all that stuff that I'd already bought.

 

For me? The simple truth of the matter is? Its just simpler and easier being single.

 

Learning how to be single and alone can be and was bitoch. But do-able. I'll be damned to Hell if I'm going to sit around the Old Folks home talking about my 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th,............X Wife!

 

You want true, un-conditional, ever lasting, devotion and love? Get a dog.

[beachbum1974]

Update:

 

My W came over today and we exchanged Christmas gifts. It was extremely sad for me. I tried to keep my emotions in check, but I teared up a little when I opened up my last gift.

 

My W said she believes this is the best thing for us right now. She again asked me to go to her parents for brunch and her grandparents for dinner tomorrow night. I gracefully declined.

 

My W told me she needs to be happy with herself and right now, she's not. I told my wife I needed to go NC with her for her own sake. I explained to her that she needs time to figure things out on her own without any emotional interruption from me. We did not put a time table on the NC and she still wants to continue to go to marriage counseling on a one to one right now.

 

She told me last week when we didn't talk that she woke up in the middle of the night and had an overwhelming feeling that she wanted to come home. My W told me she didn't because she felt it was selfish to come home just because she was lonely.

 

I am taking the advice of those in this forum who have experienced the same nightmare as me. I truely appreciate anyone who has taken the time to read and post advice. (Lord knows I need it)

 

LostnConfused: Just curious....What are you going to think about when you are given the space you're requesting? What are the underlying problems in your marriage? How long have you felt this way?

 

I have not bought my W anything other than the Christmas gift...which was just a pair of UGG boots. Also, your right.....I was completely up her butt when this whole thing began. She was running away, and I certainly was chasing her. Now it seems as if I stopped chasing and she stopped running. The problem is we're at a stand still. (Now what?)

 

We are physically separated which has generated a lot of space. I understand being up her butt didn't help things at all. Now I'm realizing the calling and texting was counter-productive for both of us as well. How long does one wait for their spouse to find themselves.

 

Gunny376: How long did it take for you to get to the point of wanting to be single?

 

Again, Merry Christmas to you all.

[Lostnconfused78]

Well.. for me.. I need to figure out where I am going.. with or without him.. I've felt this way for awhile now ( he hasnt ever trusted me from the begining) and its not something I can do with him up my butt.. there are underlying issues.. to do with trust he doesn't trust me after all these years.. and I have a big problem with that. I think I've proved myself over and over again.. he doesn't.. we have the normal marriage problems as well.. and now a few things happened a few weeks ago.. with his accusing me a cheating with a life long friends husband.. that I've known longer than him.. which I let that one slide. well then he got drunk and did the worse thing he could of ever done.. telling this person to butt the F*** out of our lives that he's caused all our problems.. which isnt the case.he told him I was preggers.. which I am not, cant. just stupid stuff.. Anyhow I need to figure out if this is something I can live with.. and space would give me the chance to see if I can.. but with him here all I can do is think about what he did. He not only probably ruined what we had .. he very well could of ruined this person's life and marriage and childrens life. You sitiuation is different I am sure. but thats mine. hope that gives your some insight

Edited December 25, 2009 by Lostnconfused78

[Gunny376]

The fact of the matter is? Most people be they women or be they men? Are simply not cut out for long term relationships ~ let alone marriage.

 

Fifty percent of all first time marriages end in divorce. Of the other remaining 50% only 13% are so called happily married. The remaining 37% remain married (un-happlily so) because of the status quo, children, finances and such.

 

 

Of those that remained married? One third that have been married for longer than ten years have sex once a month. Sixty percent of such have sex less than once a month. (Ref: Dear Abby and Dear Annie (Ann Landers daughters that took over the column after her death)

 

Decreasingly so the more they age.

 

Testosterone, more prevalent in men than women is the "drive" that drives the sex derive in both men and women. Its less prevalent in women in thier twenties but more so in their thirties.

 

Men "peak" in the teens while women "peak" sexually in their late twenties to early thirties. Which is why you have so many walk-a-wifve in you late twenties and early thirties.

 

Another problem is because women have children in thier twenties and thirties. Once pregno~ a woman's body singles her body to "Store on the pounds!" Why?

 

Because 200,000 or 10,000 years ago it was feast or faminie! Either the woman put on fat and fed or her off spring died!

[beachbum1974]

Update:

 

If anyone wants to sabotage a marriage follow my lead. I'm obviously making every mistake in the book.

 

Christmas Day I woke up early and watched television most of the day. I received multiple telephone calls from family both mine and my W's. In the evening hours, I decided to take a ride to my W's grandparents home where they host a large family party every Christmas. My W invited me and my in-laws called to extend the invitation as well. Eventhough I declined earlier, I took a ride over. I really didn't know if I was going to go inside or not. As I drove by the residence, my W's headlights were on. I drove past her vehicle and I was pretty sure she saw my car. My W pulled away and I decided not to go inside. Instead, you guessed it....I turned around and followed her. She knew I was behind her the entire time and called me out on it later that evening. Initially I lied, but later confessed that I did follow her.

 

Right now she is so pissed. She wants nothing to do with me and I understand. Not only did I follow her, but I lied about it too. Totally out of my character and I'm so bad at it. The crazy part about this all is I had no intention of following her on Christmas night. If I wanted to follow her it would have been on Christmas Eve because she told me she was meeting friends for drinks. I did not attempt to follow her on Christmas eve. I did not believe she would be "up to no good" on Christmas night or that she would be leaving the party so early. I'm such an idiot! I should have just stayed home.

 

In any event, I will be crawling into a hole and making pretend my W died in a plane crash. I think that's the only way I will be able to move on with my life without her. Back to NC again!! I continue to pray for the strength to survive this. I know I let some of you down by not following your advice. I am trying! I've made many mistakes in my life. I really wish I would have made more of them earlier in life.....and learned from them.

 

Gunny: Your last post, although true is very sad. I believe it's too easy to get a divorce in this day. There is also no stigma placed divorce today as there was in the past. I believe people become bored with being married. They look for the excitement or a fire somewhere else. Eventually they discover they will never be eternally happy. They wonder why the fire never stays lit for long. Years from now, they may figure out the problem was within. By that time, they are older, more mature and have an understanding of the true meaning of love. By that time they realize they actually had the life they dreamed about.....and they let it go.

[beachbum1974]

Short Update:

 

I have turned my cellular telephone off for the time being. I have a work phone and a personal cell phone. I keep the work phone on and she does not have that number. I believe this is the correct action at this point. In addition, now I don't have to worry about answering a call or text if she sends one. I hope this is the correct move. It feels like I'm back in control....at least a little. Thanks again for all your support and prayers. - BB

[soul searching]

I am in limbo-land with my H right now... He took off for Christmas to be with his family out-of-state. I guess he doesn't consider me his family anymore...

This has been an extremely painful time for me because I feel like I don't have the "why" answers to all of my questions about his behavior.

But, like your wife, he has been distancing himself from me and looking outside of our marriage for answers to what he wants. He says he isn't pursuing/interested in having another relationship, but he is constantly going out with "friends" that I don't know.

Anyway, what made me think of making my first post here is that I wanted to encourage you to stay strong even though it's difficult. Don't be "available" to her when she wants because that only increases how you can be taken advantage of. Even though it hurts, you have to try to do things for you and only you right now. Ultimately, only time will tell and it sounds like her "me" issues cannot be solved with your input. But I'm sure that having you around when she feels like it makes her feel good.

I agree with the others... she needs to miss you - or I guess decide if she doesn't and wants to move on. Either way - nothing you do can make that decision for her.

 

Take care of yourself!

[beachbum1974]

Soul Seaching,

 

I'm really sorry your going through this nightmare. I agree that the toughest part of this situation is not knowing the "why" answers. I hope the old adage, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" is true for both of our sakes....as well as anyone else who may be heart-broken. Thank you for posting and I will try to stay strong and continue to concentrate on myself. You take care and keep me posted on your situation. God bless. - BB

[Gunny376]

I really wish I could round all of you up in an isolated location, form you into a platoon, and drill you on the seperation/divorce issues that you have.

 

The simple fact of the matter is? People are people. Be they women or be they men.

 

Ivana left Donald ~ Warren Buffet wife left him. So its not about success, fame nor fortune.

 

Its about what you could've, would've and should've done!

 

And its not even about that! Because if you could've, should've and would've? It still wouldn't have been enough. Why? Because of their being who they are and their lifetme experiences, etc .

 

The fact of the matter is?

 

Sometimes you've just got to say WTF!

[soul searching]

Well, I don't think there is much hope for me with the "absence makes the heart grow fonder" thing...

I just discovered pics of my H on the internet, posted on a website of a club he belongs to. They show him with his arm around a large older woman, and another with him posing with her, and another with him holding her hand.

Did i mention he's 38 and thinks he'd be much happier with a "cougar??"

(I'm younger than he is...) I found out he had been searching on "gocougar.com" a few weeks ago.

Not sure what to do about trying to get him out of this house. I certainly don't want to continue supporting him, esp. now that I feel I have some evidence that he's been messing around. Even if he's not sleeping around, this level of flirtation is enough for me!! He's not invested in putting our marriage back together, so I need to move on, right?

Sad, but true...

[beachbum1974]

Soul Seaching - Again, I'm sorry your husband has lost his mind. Why would he want a "large older woman?" Cougar.com? I think your H needs to grow up. I'm sure one day he will realize that cougars are cougars for a reason. How much younger than your H are you?

 

It's tough when they don't want to invest in the marriage. I'm in the same exact situation. I got the "I'm not sure if I want this anymore." I have clues that something is definitely going on between my W and a co-worker, but nothing concrete. Phone calls, victoria secret purchases, lies, and her "change of heart" are what I am dealing with.

 

It certainly seems like you have a handle on your situation. I really hope everthing works out for you either way. Stay strong and pray hard!

 

My W sent me a text today stating she was coming to our home to pick up some items for work. I replied with an "ok" and left the house prior to her arrival. When she departed I received, "I'm gone. The house looks good." The house looks good? In any event, I will continue to stay NC and hope to keep my sanity.

[soul searching]

Hey beachbum,

I'm 5 years younger than my H. I hope I have a handle on this situation. Now, I am just really pissed off about it, and determined to just cut him out of my life. (Easier to survive that way...)

We had a counseling session tonight in which he told me he doesn't see us continuing in the marriage. Doesn't feel comfortable having that level of relationship with me anymore, blah, blah, blah. At least he finally grew a pair to say it, now I can start focusing on grieving (for a little while...) and moving on with my life. We set a timeframe of about 2 weeks for him to find a place to stay and get out. I don't want to have to see him everyday like I have for the past 4 months that we have been going through "problems."

Reading everyone's posts on here really helps me feel some support.

 

Guess what I did in anticipation of the "meeting" tonight... I got my first tattoo!! it looks cool. I love it. So, I made myself a bright spot in this sad, lonely day. You should think about doing something cool for yourself too.

I really hope to stay strong, and I need to get back into praying and having a spiritual life. Thanks for the good advice...

 

And stay strong with the NC... spend more time focused on you than her!

[Gunny376]

Totaly off topic ~ but I thought all of your Flordians could use a "pick me up" and laugh. :bunny:

 

A True Story from the Jacksonville, Fl. Police Dept.

 

A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead

with him to let them take him home. He says no he only lives a mile away.

 

About five blocks from party, the police pull him over for weaving and

ask him to get out of the car and walk the line.

 

Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery

taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the man to

stay put, they will be right back and they hop a fence and run down the

street to the robbery.

 

The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets

there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might

come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.

 

A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. Joe is

there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he

is in bed with the flu and has been so all day.

 

The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks

why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage.

She opens the door.

 

There sitting in the garage is the police car, with

all its lights still flashing.

[beachbum1974]

I broke the NC yesterday, however I felt it was necessary to do so in order to address an issue. I didn't know you could check a cell phone record and it would tell you what area you are making calls from. I checked our bill and found several discrepencies from where my wife said she was.....and where she really was at the time phone calls were made.

 

My W told me she was in the southern part of the state during the last snow storm on 12/19- 12/20. A check into the cell records revealed she was not even close to where she said for two days. In fact, the cell phone tower she was using was in the same town as her male co-worker. She told me she went to a bar up that way the night before, but refuses to tell me where she spent the weekend. I exposed this lie and got, "I can't trust you." If you can believe that. I can't be trusted? Someone who has never given his W a reason to think he has cheated and has remained faithful throughout our marriage can't be trusted. I'm at a loss.

 

My W said she doesn't trust me looking into what she has been doing. My wife stated, "Any little information I give, you check into, so I'm not telling you anything anymore." This translates into: Every time I tell you a lie, you find out about it so I'm not telling you anything."

 

I compared the cell bill to my daily journal and found a few more lies as well. I guess it's over at this point. I tried to do everything in my power to make this work.

 

I went to marriage counseling yesterday alone. I'm in a better place now that I know it wasn't me.......it was her. She said some things last night while we were talking that she wants to work things out but she needs time to figure things out. She also told me she knows "if" she comes back she will need to get a new job to illiminate any arguments. She told me she is not happy being out of our home, but coming back now wouldn't make things any easier.

 

At this point, I think I need to figure things out. I know there is something going on, but I don't have the smoking gun. I'm back in NC! She can have as much time and space she needs. I am confident one day she will realize how bad she screwed up a good thing. I guess it's true what they say, "Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive."

 

Soul Seaching: I actually thought about a tattoo. I think a green celtic cross on my back. This grieving process is tough. I kept putting it off with hope and it just hurts even more now. I should have listened to Gunny and Cranial Rupture from the start. Sometimes we don't take the best advice....even when we know its what needs to be done.

 

Gunny: Thanks for the joke. I need anything that cracks a smile on my face at this point.

[sumdude]

Bummer ... you're tale of the cell records sounds all too familiar to me. My ex even had the gall to tell me she was at her sister's father in law's funeral helping out for the weekend. Nuh uh.. she was at the OM's.... the lies that apparently normal people will tell when in an affair.:mad: Heck she even tried to accuse me of cheating when it was her the whole time!

 

Well at least now you know SHE can't be trusted and is done with your marriage. You are free...Time for 2010 to be your New Year for your New Life. Cut all contact, call a lawyer and start living for yourself. Hanging on to hope for this marriage is only going to slow you down and keep dragging your heart through the rocks and mud.

 

I know it's not as easy as it sounds but the sooner you start moving on the sooner you'll make to the other side.

 

All the best...

[beachbum1974]

Sumdude: You've given me a lot of great advice and support through your posts. I really appreciate the time you've spent and the advice you've given me.

 

Your right, it amazes me what lies my W has told. I still don't want to believe what I've uncovered thus far. I just don't understand it. It's very sad.

 

I'll keep up with the updates. I hope you have a happy new year. Thanks again for your help. I need it.

[soul searching]

Hey beachbum,

 

Keep on with NC. She sounds like she just wants to string you along with the not ready right now crap. SHe either wants to be "all in" with your marriage or she doesn't. Problem is facing up to that answer (the one we don't want to hear or accept right now hurts like a b**ch!)

But, ultimately, that is the answer. I was in denial for 4 months trying to do everything I could, but only one person isn't going to fix it. She's looking for solutions to her problems outside your marriage. SOrry, but it sounds like its over to me. (my new-found perspective gained from very recent experience) I am going to talk to a lawyer on Monday...

 

Try to have a happy new year's. Much focus on the NEW YEAR of course!

There will be light at the end of this very dark, dismal-looking tunnel...

[nobmagnet]

is too

xxxx

[bestplayer]

Sumdude: You've given me a lot of great advice and support through your posts. I really appreciate the time you've spent and the advice you've given me.

 

Your right, it amazes me what lies my W has told. I still don't want to believe what I've uncovered thus far. I just don't understand it. It's very sad.

 

I'll keep up with the updates. I hope you have a happy new year. Thanks again for your help. I need it.

 

beachbum1974 following ur posts on this thread I have noticed such a drastic change in ur confidence level & postive attitude that only proves to me that if I truly want I can definately make any postive changes or improvments in my self to become as invincible as I want .

 

u sound so dynamic & vigorous , completely different from ur initial posts

 

Pls maintain this attitude & energy level all the times.

 

best of luck

[seibert253]

She's totally untrustworthy. Be done with her.

1. NC

2. File and have her served.

 

If that doesn't bring her to her senses, nothing will

 

IMO you are better off without her.

[beachbum1974]

Bestplayer: Thank you so much for your post and support. I do feel better and a little more confident, however it remains a struggle every day. I know I have a long, long way to go. The support in this forum has made my life much more managable. I can honestly say I feel like we are all on the same team. We are trying to accomplish the same goal. Survival. Keep your head up bestplayer and remain strong. I've put my future in Gods hands at this point.

 

Nobmagnet and Siebert: Thanks for your posts and support! I appreciate it. I agree. She is completely untrustworthy. I'm leaving for Vermont next Thursday for a four day ski trip. I'm going to use the cold mountain air to do a lot of thinking and soul searching. Hopefully when I return, I'll have some more things figured out.

 

Tonight I went to a New Years Eve party with a good friend who has always been a positive influence on me. As the new year approached, I looked at my phone and wondered if I should send a text to my W. The thought swiftly left my mind, as I knew I would be breaking my NC and take a step backwards. At 12:30 am my W sent me a text message which read, "Happy new year. Please be safe. love u."

 

I drank about four beers all night. In addition to driving, I didn't want to dull my senses at all and want to text her or call. I don't trust myself when I have a few too many.

 

As I drove home a song came into my head and I began to sing the entire song without any background music. If you don't know the words to the song, you may want to read them. Springsteen can be a little hard to understand at times.

 

Happy new year everyone.

[broken hearted]

Beachbum, you better pack your long johns for your trip to VT, it's been freezing here lately! There's supposed to be a Noreaster coming today and should have plenty of fresh powder for your ski trip! If I lived closer to Killington, I'd say we could meet up for a drink or some coffee and share our stories...I have found that it helps me chatting with others going through this so I know I'm not alone. I hope the days away with your friends will help you...it's got to be so much easier without children. I can't get away from this pain bc I see my stbxh 4 days a week bc of his visitation with the kids. My counselor told me that everytime I see or speak to him, it opens up the wounds all over again.

[beachbum1974]

Brokenhearted: I've got my long johns and under armor gear packed and ready for the trip. I checked the 10 day forcast and the highs will be in the teens. Burrr! It's ashame you don't live closer. I would definitely have met you for a beer or coffee. I agree, sharing sad stories with good people who are experiencing the same sorrows is certainly comforting. I'll probably be at the Woobly Barn or Pickle Barrel Thurs, Fri, and Sat night with about nine friends. We ski Fri and Sat. Sunday we usually go to the Long Trail brewery for lunch and relaxation. Monday morning we leave early from the trip back. Where about in VT are you from?

 

Each year I have a great time in VT. I'm excited to see that view again from the top of the mountain. I do think the time away will be good for me.

 

I can't imagine going through this with children. I feel for you. Everytime I see my W, I feel as if I lose strength and confidence. It definitely opens up old wounds. I actually used to look forward to seeing her or speaking with her on a daily basis. Those days are gone I sort of loathe it now because I know the consequences.....pain.

 

Do you have family closeby? Maybe you can have a family member or good friend at the house to help with the visitation process. Not sure what agreement you have but I know I would want to be secluded somewhere in the home while my stbxh was visiting my children. I can't really say for sure what I would do, I don't have children.

 

You are a very strong person soul searching. I get strength just from reading your posts. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Take care of yourself, keep your head up and please keep me updated.

[beachbum1974]

Update:

 

I just got a text message from my W which reads, "Gonna come to the house tomorrow. I need to do scan items in on the computer for work. I will let u know a time tomorrow. Hope ur doing ok...iv been thinkin a lot."

 

Why? Why would my W say that she hopes I'm doing ok? She knows I'm really not. She knows how this has and is affecting me. I've shed 30lbs in three months. I'm withering away. Why does she feel the need to tell me she's been thinking a lot? On Wed Jan 30, she told me she needed me to give her space and time. Each time I give her the space she needs, she tries to suck me back into her world. I'm not falling for it this time. I won't be here tomorrow when she arrives. I'm staying NC! I just don't understand it!