an issue of trust

[Sunshine]

I hope there is someone out there who can help me with this issue.

 

I have been living with my boyfriend for a year. We both have many past relationships, but he knows that I cheated on one of my lovers. He says that he never has cheated, but I only have his word on that.

 

He says that he loves me and wants to spend his life with me, but doesn't trust me. He is constantly checking up on me,questioning me regarding phone calls--like who's number is that on your cell phone bill,etc. The biggest problem is that he thinks I am constantly staring at other men, specifically black men, especially when we are together and this makes him feel cheap, and feels that I don't really love him. By the way, I am white and he is Japanese. I have NEVER had anyone of my past relationships complain to me about this. I am committed to this man but this problem is depressing me to the max!!!

 

He says he has never had a girlfriend that has behaved like I do (with the staring thing). He is the most wonderful man I have ever had in my life and I want our life to continue together, but I don't want it to continue this way.

 

He says that if there was something that I asked him to quit doing, he would stop. So he doesn't understand why I can't stop this staring behaviour.

 

I don't feel that I have a staring problem. I am interested in ALL people and things. I am a social person. We just cannot understand each other's views on this subject.

 

PLEASE HELP!!!!

[magicklady]

Let him go.. I just went through all of that and he will forever be doing that to you. If I were you I would be insulted at the invasion of privacy with him checking up on your cell phone bill, (when that happend to me I went off!) You guys are also from different cultures and if you read up on Japanease woman in the country itself.. they keep their eyes downcast. Stand up for yourself and tell this man that you can't change what your eyes do and that if he is going to continue to have a problem with who you are then he doesn't really love you... If it were me (and it is not) I would be out the door quickly.. it can turn ugly from there.. jealousy is not a good thing in any form... Good luck with all of it..

[Heather]

Hey sunshine,

 

My b/f is very jealous also, but consider this before you decide what approach to take on this. How did his last relationship end? Or what if he was once with someone whom he truly, truly loved with all his heart and they betrayed him. Get to the root of the problem before you pass judgement or just flat out leave. I know that in my case my b/f's ex-wife was caught red handed in bed ( if ya know what I mean) that is not easy to get past and I'll tell you something else I know that my b/f is jealous so therefore, i always try to remember the things that set him off and do my best not to do those things - you would expect the same out of him.

 

Heather.

I hope there is someone out there who can help me with this issue. I have been living with my boyfriend for a year. We both have many past relationships, but he knows that I cheated on one of my lovers. He says that he never has cheated, but I only have his word on that. He says that he loves me and wants to spend his life with me, but doesn't trust me. He is constantly checking up on me,questioning me regarding phone calls--like who's number is that on your cell phone bill,etc. The biggest problem is that he thinks I am constantly staring at other men, specifically black men, especially when we are together and this makes him feel cheap, and feels that I don't really love him. By the way, I am white and he is Japanese. I have NEVER had anyone of my past relationships complain to me about this. I am committed to this man but this problem is depressing me to the max!!! He says he has never had a girlfriend that has behaved like I do (with the staring thing). He is the most wonderful man I have ever had in my life and I want our life to continue together, but I don't want it to continue this way. He says that if there was something that I asked him to quit doing, he would stop. So he doesn't understand why I can't stop this staring behaviour. I don't feel that I have a staring problem. I am interested in ALL people and things. I am a social person. We just cannot understand each other's views on this subject. PLEASE HELP!!!!

[Tony T]

I am very truly sorry but you cannot have a healthy, fulfilling relationship with someone who doesn't trust you. You may be very in love with him now but over time your fondness will wear very thin.

 

If he can't cut you some slack, stop auditing your phone bills, snooping around you life, etc., you have two choices: Stick with him until you can't take it anymore...or dump him right now.

 

Doesn't matter how great it is in all other areas, trust is an essential element of a relationship and he doesn't trust you as far as he can spit.

[magicklady]

Heather how can she not do the things that set him off. All she is doing is looking at other people! I don't think anyone should have to walk softly around someone that they love it makes their life miserable. Maybe you are able to do it, but one day the jealousy will win over the love.. it happened to me about 3 months ago.. you get tired of being accused of things. As far as what has happened in their past.. that is their problem each new relationship should start out just that NEW and if they still have issues from past relationships they need to get some help dealing with them before they destroy the new one... Jealousy is a very dangerous thing that can and has lead to domestic violence and abuse.. these are things to think about as well.

[LT]

It's been my experience that overly jealous people (male or female) are the very same ones who have/would/will cheat. Kind of like if you lie all the time you assume everyone is doing it. Maybe this guy has never actually cheated but I'd bet he's the type who would and who looks when you're not around. Normal people have normal jealous "habits." They may feel twinges now and again but realize it is their own problem to deal with, not their partners'. Then, when there really IS something to be jealous about they'll recognize when to step up and say or do something.

 

Jealousy is one of those weird things...it's not all a bad thing. If my bf told me he enjoying working out every night of the week with some buffed up blond bimbo I *would* voice my concern (or drop in at the gym, unannounced:). To not respond in that manner would send the message to my bf that I didn't care.

 

I don't think, however, in the normal scheme of things, that any form of looking-but-not-touching is something to be jealous over. Being attached or being married is NOT being dead. Every relationship needs outside stimulation. And let's face it...women will always enjoy watching Brad Pitt on the big screen but it is a truly shallow form of entertainment. Might touch my hormones but it does nothing for my heart & soul. Men feel the same way about looking at other women or watching porn. Personally, I wouldn't want a guy who didn't have a minimal or average interest in "looking" at other women. Sounds like a floppy dead fish in bed.

 

LT

 

I hope there is someone out there who can help me with this issue. I have been living with my boyfriend for a year. We both have many past relationships, but he knows that I cheated on one of my lovers. He says that he never has cheated, but I only have his word on that. He says that he loves me and wants to spend his life with me, but doesn't trust me. He is constantly checking up on me,questioning me regarding phone calls--like who's number is that on your cell phone bill,etc. The biggest problem is that he thinks I am constantly staring at other men, specifically black men, especially when we are together and this makes him feel cheap, and feels that I don't really love him. By the way, I am white and he is Japanese. I have NEVER had anyone of my past relationships complain to me about this. I am committed to this man but this problem is depressing me to the max!!! He says he has never had a girlfriend that has behaved like I do (with the staring thing). He is the most wonderful man I have ever had in my life and I want our life to continue together, but I don't want it to continue this way. He says that if there was something that I asked him to quit doing, he would stop. So he doesn't understand why I can't stop this staring behaviour. I don't feel that I have a staring problem. I am interested in ALL people and things. I am a social person. We just cannot understand each other's views on this subject. PLEASE HELP!!!!

[Crazy]

I kind of have the same knid of problem with my boyfriend. He is extremly possessive and sends his mates out to watch me when I go out. However I have found that just by telling him how much he means to you everyday and maybe by doing something special for him once in a while in helps him restore his faith. If deep down he knows you love him this staring thing will not bother him. I used to get accused of that too!

I hope there is someone out there who can help me with this issue. I have been living with my boyfriend for a year. We both have many past relationships, but he knows that I cheated on one of my lovers. He says that he never has cheated, but I only have his word on that. He says that he loves me and wants to spend his life with me, but doesn't trust me. He is constantly checking up on me,questioning me regarding phone calls--like who's number is that on your cell phone bill,etc. The biggest problem is that he thinks I am constantly staring at other men, specifically black men, especially when we are together and this makes him feel cheap, and feels that I don't really love him. By the way, I am white and he is Japanese. I have NEVER had anyone of my past relationships complain to me about this. I am committed to this man but this problem is depressing me to the max!!! He says he has never had a girlfriend that has behaved like I do (with the staring thing). He is the most wonderful man I have ever had in my life and I want our life to continue together, but I don't want it to continue this way. He says that if there was something that I asked him to quit doing, he would stop. So he doesn't understand why I can't stop this staring behaviour. I don't feel that I have a staring problem. I am interested in ALL people and things. I am a social person. We just cannot understand each other's views on this subject. PLEASE HELP!!!!

[Heather]

Well I think we gave her both sides of the coin- didn't we?

Heather how can she not do the things that set him off. All she is doing is looking at other people! I don't think anyone should have to walk softly around someone that they love it makes their life miserable. Maybe you are able to do it, but one day the jealousy will win over the love.. it happened to me about 3 months ago.. you get tired of being accused of things. As far as what has happened in their past.. that is their problem each new relationship should start out just that NEW and if they still have issues from past relationships they need to get some help dealing with them before they destroy the new one... Jealousy is a very dangerous thing that can and has lead to domestic violence and abuse.. these are things to think about as well.

[Heather]

So.... I'm not the only one who says to try and work around things. Get to the real root of the jealousy ask him questions and respond to the answers honestly. Just because someone is jealous doesn't mean they are not worthy of a healthy happy relationship with someone, I can't stand it when people are telling other people to run away as fast as you can - that's a cop out, I'm certainly not saying to stay if all your'e doing is crying over the persons actions all the time, but if relationships were easy.......it wouldn't take so long to perfect one.

I hope there is someone out there who can help me with this issue. I have been living with my boyfriend for a year. We both have many past relationships, but he knows that I cheated on one of my lovers. He says that he never has cheated, but I only have his word on that. He says that he loves me and wants to spend his life with me, but doesn't trust me. He is constantly checking up on me,questioning me regarding phone calls--like who's number is that on your cell phone bill,etc. The biggest problem is that he thinks I am constantly staring at other men, specifically black men, especially when we are together and this makes him feel cheap, and feels that I don't really love him. By the way, I am white and he is Japanese. I have NEVER had anyone of my past relationships complain to me about this. I am committed to this man but this problem is depressing me to the max!!! He says he has never had a girlfriend that has behaved like I do (with the staring thing). He is the most wonderful man I have ever had in my life and I want our life to continue together, but I don't want it to continue this way. He says that if there was something that I asked him to quit doing, he would stop. So he doesn't understand why I can't stop this staring behaviour. I don't feel that I have a staring problem. I am interested in ALL people and things. I am a social person. We just cannot understand each other's views on this subject. PLEASE HELP!!!!