Unloving husband..

[ca]

How do i say this!! As i write this, i am perhaps counting the minutes before which my husband would come home to say goodbye to me, divorce me and get over with my marraige! i am so tired depressed.. and actually numb now!

 

Let me tell you what happend today. We were on our way to my in-laws place ( well my family and me dont get along with them , infact lots of people have deep problems with them ,theyr arrogant, and highly unresonably short-temepered people!). I dont really enjoy going there, but i DO cause it does matter to him and i want to keep him happy, as well as, i dont beleive in cutting off relationships..

 

Now coming back to husband ,. he has SEVERE ADD ofcourse . It was his idea to go at 3 noon and come bak for dinner ( coz both of us thought its better to come home for dinner, need to pack n stuff to go off for vacation) , but he went on procrastinating and, we turned up going out at 7 !! Not good at all! He knws that too, now i just hppend to say that it was a bad idea, and he shouldnt have done this, and Lo' he went WILD and beserk, driving car like a madman, he stopped in the middle of a goddam highway!! and told me to get off!! coz he thought i wasnt prepared to go to visit his parents ,and hence the mood ( i was just a lil upset over the late issue, wht to do !!!! )

 

I told him to cool off, and continue, stating couples do have tiffs and arguments, but what jhe was suggesting isnt the best hting ! but no!!!! He insisted i get off ! and i had to ...... came home walking a longway to get a frikkin cab.... On the way bak, he calls up saying, that i was really happy coz this is what i wanted, NOT to see his parents, i told HE was the one to kick me off!

 

Now outcome is, im bak home, and perhaps he wouldnt come bak!! who knws.... or come bak to talk abt divorce papers.. I am completley helpless and sad and heartbroken,

I feel, i should just go ahead without a fight, coz this man isnt prepared to hear or makeup or even understand whats going on!!

 

This wait is killing me, what do i do, im feeling sick all over.......i am sure he doesnt love me !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[bark]

ca, I'm so sorry to hear your pain. What often happens in a marriage is that the husband and wife have an issue about which they disagree--inlaws, money, sex--and this issue festers for years with no resolution.

 

Then, one day, over the tiniest thing, the issue explodes in the couple's faces and all hell breaks loose. That sounds like what happened, here. I call these "time bomb" issues.

 

Now, what should you do. It depends whether you want to stay married.

It sounds like you do.

 

I would apologize to your husband for any perceived slight to his parents. I might even enlist his mother or father, if posssible, to help you. I would only do this once he calms down.

 

Good luck.

[ca]

He has switched off mobile, and his parents, well they particularly dont like the fact we are married. So definitely theyr not gonna be of help. Now, my husband has once or twice called my parents to complain about me, ( normal couple quarrels would become a major deal for him, and whn he loses it completly he'll end up calling someone and tell them, im being mad , etc which is totalyl unfair, . )

 

See, the probelm is he isnt ready to talk to me, he runs away ( literally). I have already sent him sms's saying that i love him, but it hurt me to hear him tell me to get outta the car, so i couldnt help it ! But , he would hold a point and argue over me , and tell me, if i really wanted to see his parents, i WOULD hav just stayed put!!

Now isnt that a mind game??

 

No amount of lovingly explaining to him that it isnt anything like that, worked for me! It feels awful when u shower so much love and affection on someone, and that someone just throws or spits it off, saying im faking it and its all bull !!

 

How do i talk to him , IF he comes bak home tonite ???? How do i postpone any stupid rash decision he takes?????? Im so scared !

[bark]

How do i talk to him , IF he comes bak home tonite ???? How do i postpone any stupid rash decision he takes?????? Im so scared !

 

If he comes home, let him cool down, first. Don't try to talk about any serious issues if he's still acting unreasonably. I would have a cooling off period of 24 to 48 hours , and then apologize to him. You're the one who has to be the mature adult in this because I suspect you have more to lose.

 

I also would get assistance from your parents and any mutual friends.

[ca]

Yeah, ill do that, and hopefully he will at least not kick me off his life !! Wish I could do something to ease this anxiety.. Went out and bought a lovely bouquet of flowers , kinda sorry and hope note to tell him i love him, thats all. I wonder if i did the right thing, just felt i HAD to!

 

Ive spoken to friends yes, a few said i should probably just leave him and go off to folk's plc tostay for a while, i think NOT. thatll just make me lose him forever! As for parents, they tend to worry too much for me !! And they have health problems I am not comfortable discussing my problems wit them right now! Wont do them any good..

 

So ...... here's to endless waiting.....

[bark]

ca, it sounds like you have things under control. I like the peace offerings.

 

Good luck. Hang in there.

[ca]

Its gettin more n more tough! i got a call from a friend who is urgently tryin to reach him, so i sent him an sms to do the needful ( he refuses to answer calls!), and I get a reply " who is this? "!!!!

 

Should i be reading between the lines?

[moimeme]

I hope this one blows over. One thing you absolutely MUST keep in mind henceforth is that when they're stressed, they are already tuned up far too high - anything you do or say will seem that much worse to them. Stress puts them into high states of agitation; they plan and react even less well - as you saw. He started driving erratically and blew his top.

 

In those situations, bite your tongue off before you say a word. You may be angry or frustrated; you may have every right to say something to him, but do NOT. You only add to the problem and he's in no state to process what you say. This is one of the cardinal rules in living with someone with ADD.

 

See if he'll accept a suggestion that you two see a marriage counsellor. Many ADD wives have gotten their husbands diagnosed or into treatment by asking a marriage counsellor to suggest that the husband undergo some testing for ADD, depression, etc. Sometimes, if it comes from a professional, they are more willing to accept that sort of advice.

[cindy0039]

Wait a minute. Am I missing something here? Doesn't this guy owe HER an apology?? He's the one who lost control, drove like a maniac, stopped in the middle of the highway and kicked her out of the car! He put her in physical danger. HELLO!

[cindy0039]

Originally posted by ca

Yeah, ill do that, and hopefully he will at least not kick me off his life !! Wish I could do something to ease this anxiety.. Went out and bought a lovely bouquet of flowers , kinda sorry and hope note to tell him i love him, thats all. I wonder if i did the right thing, just felt i HAD to!

 

Ive spoken to friends yes, a few said i should probably just leave him and go off to folk's plc tostay for a while, i think NOT. thatll just make me lose him forever! As for parents, they tend to worry too much for me !! And they have health problems I am not comfortable discussing my problems wit them right now! Wont do them any good..

 

So ...... here's to endless waiting.....

I tend to agree with your friends. You two had an argument. He treated you terribly. I'm not sure of the whole situation from your side, what was said or whether he had reason to think he was justified in the way he treated you. I don't think there's ANY excuse for treating someone that way myself. But it sounds like you both need to just keep some distance between you until things cool off.

 

I really doubt he's going to leave you over something like this. He should be feeling a little guilty over his own actions. If you give in to him every time he acts like this and fawn all over him, apologizing and not expecting him to apologize, he'll just do it again next time he's upset. Let him know that what happened today is not appropriate and work on better ways to handle your disagreements.

[moimeme]

Wait a minute. Am I missing something here? Doesn't this guy owe HER an apology?? He's the one who lost control, drove like a maniac, stopped in the middle of the highway and kicked her out of the car! He put her in physical danger. HELLO!

 

CA posted this question twice already today, including on her original thread, where we learn that the guy probably has ADD. If that is indeed the case, and it sure sounds like it from her description of his behaviour, the last thing you can do with someone with ADD is to pile stress on them when they are already stressed. The regular 'shoulds' of relationships do not apply in these cases, because of the way the ADD brain works.

[cindy0039]

Well, I disagree. Everybody is responsible for their actions, whether they have a "condition" or not. He needs to have some remorse for what he did and how he treated her. And he needs to get some professional help so that these types of things do not continue.

 

For goodness sakes, you can't drive like a maniac and dump someone out on a highway and think that's okay! I have a "condition" and I would never expect to get away with such a thing. I realize this man is not currently being treated, IF indeed he does have ADD, but telling this woman to apologize to him, etc. is going too far, IMHO. When is this man going to learn that his actions are inappropriate and that he needs to step up and be responsible for what he does?

[moimeme]

Cindy, I don't want to hijack the thread on this, but that is one of the issues that ADD causes. His behaviour resulted from the way ADDers react to stress and he actually would not have been able to prevent his behaviour because the bit that's lacking is the impulse control bit that the 'responsible' person uses to prevent himself from behaving that way. His inability to stop himself is EXACTLY why he needs treatment, but until he's treated, he will not be good at controlling this at all, no matter how much he may wish to.

[HokeyReligions]

"should have's" don't mean diddly if he has the medical condition ADD. A person with ADD does not have control over much of their behavior -- its a lot different than a person who is depressed or angry about something.

 

Has he been diagnosed with ADD? If he has then talk to his doctor and get yourself into a counseling group for spouses of people with ADD. A regular therapist dealing with healthy people with relationship/anger problems isn't equipped to deal with the special needs of an ADD person.

 

Right now you can't help the waiting, but talk to people, make some plans for yourself. Figure out how you are going to live if he leaves you. Do you have a job? Can you manage financially right now? Figure out how you are going to do that in the event that you two do split up. You have to be constructive for your own future.

 

Let him have his time and space away from you where he won't hurt you anymore, just don't pin all your hopes and dreams and fears on him. He may get angry over this too, but you HAVE to do it for your own sake.

 

If he has not seen a doctor and been diagnosed, you still have to plan for yourself and hopefully after he has cooled down you can suggest to him that he see a doctor and get a diagnosis. There are meds that can help and therapy too -- if he's diagnosed with ADD the doctor will be able to help get him set up for therapy for himself and for the two of you together.

 

I know you don't want to talk to your parents right now, but you will need their support--they love you and want what is best for you and your happiness. Get some positive things going - talking to counselors, making plans and then talk to them. They will feel better knowing that you are taking care of things and that will give all of you some hope and they will be able to be more supportive of you.

 

I've dealt with something similar and its not an easy road, but you will be surprised at how much better you will feel about yourself and everything around you when you know what you are dealing with and you begin to deal with it in a proactive manner. You can't go back, but you can go forward and it can be even better -- with or without him in your life.

[cindy0039]

Originally posted by moimeme

Cindy, I don't want to hijack the thread on this, but that is one of the issues that ADD causes. His behaviour resulted from the way ADDers react to stress and he actually would not have been able to prevent his behaviour because the bit that's lacking is the impulse control bit that the 'responsible' person uses to prevent himself from behaving that way. His inability to stop himself is EXACTLY why he needs treatment, but until he's treated, he will not be good at controlling this at all, no matter how much he may wish to.

I know this. My son has ADD. But I still would not let him get away with behavior like that. I would not be apologizing to HIM when it is he who did something wrong. Doesn't anybody get what I'm saying here?

[moimeme]

Cindy. To do wrong implies choice. If your brain is in major stress mode, which his would have been, he did not make a choice to behave that way. The way this all works is explained in the E-Book. One of the problems of ADD is precisely that the inhibitory function (one of the executive functions) which is governed by the frontal lobes fails to work. Think of it as a car with the gas pedal stuck down. The very part of his brain which should have said 'do not do this; this is wrong/dangerous' is the bit that was not doing its job.

[cindy0039]

Originally posted by moimeme

Cindy. To do wrong implies choice. If your brain is in major stress mode, which his would have been, he did not make a choice to behave that way. The way this all works is explained in the E-Book. One of the problems of ADD is precisely that the inhibitory function (one of the executive functions) which is governed by the frontal lobes fails to work. Think of it as a car with the gas pedal stuck down. The very part of his brain which should have said 'do not do this; this is wrong/dangerous' is the bit that was not doing its job.

Once again, I will repeat that I understand that. What I don't understand is why would anybody think that this wife owes him an apology? For what?

[moimeme]

There's no point standing on principle if you want to deal with a person with ADD successfully. If she's going to win him over and even get him to agree to treatment, she has to drop most of the 'shoulds' and deal with reality.

 

Reality is that, when they are stressed, anybody telling them off or scolding them stresses them lots more. That was not the time to bring up the fact they left late. He will be sorry and ashamed now that he did what he did. If she admonishes him more, he feels stressed all over again. It's how they work. She needs to start showing him that she understands that stuff like that stresses him out and that she'll try to work with him to prevent him from feeling even worse.

[cindy0039]

I'm glad I didn't raise my son to think that because he has a condition called ADD it gives him license to "act out" in all kinds of dangerous ways and put others' lives in danger and then either blame it on the illness or someone else and not take responsibility for his actions.

 

Maybe I'm confusing a person who knows they have the condition, whose loved one knows they have the condition, and who's getting help for it with someone who's not. If so, my mistake.

 

But either way, I would not want my son's girlfriend to go through a situation similar to what was described and then feel that she owed him an apology. I understand all about not being the same as a "normal" person (I fall into that category myself), but it does not absolve us from taking responsibility for our actions, especially if they are harmful to others. If he truly can't control himself to that extent, he needs to be in a hospital until he is not a danger to himself or others. That's just my opinion.

[moimeme]

Cindy, you're taking this to extremes for nothing. I am not advocating that people with ADD be given 'license' to do whatever, however an untreated person who is unaware that he even HAS ADD is quite different from someone who has been diagnosed, treated, and is aware of ADD and its implications.

 

At this point, that guy is in pain because nothing he does is right. Getting yelled at when he's stressed makes him worse. Make no mistake, right now he'll feel bad about his actions at the time - to the extent that berating him about them won't help either.

 

He needs to start learning that his wife understands what's going on with him, even if they don't get to the point of naming the condition yet. Then he'll be feeling slightly more like cooperating with her and may be receptive to even getting diagnosed.

 

But right now, when he's a mess, is no time to impose the 'shoulds' on him that one can expect later, when he's farther along the line.

 

Had I understood the nature of ADD when I was with the ex, it is possible - vaguely because of ALL his issues - that we might have made it. However, I did exactly what this woman has been doing; reacted as one would with a non-ADD person. It does NOT help. It is not what the ADD relationship people (few though they are) would recommend.

[cindy0039]

Originally posted by moimeme

Cindy, you're taking this to extremes for nothing.

I don't feel I'm taking anything to extremes. I will speak for myself in saying that if I were with someone who drove a car in a maniacal and dangerous way and then stopped in the middle of a highway and made me get out of the car and walk home, regardless of the dangers, I would not take it lightly. I'm simply saying that this woman needs to protect herself from a man who evidently can't control himself. He needs help, that's obvious.

[moimeme]

I'm simply saying that this woman needs to protect herself from a man who evidently can't control himself.

 

Totally agree. And the first thing she needs to remember is that if he's stressed, she needs, for her own sake as well as his, to avoid stressing him more. Is it 'fair'? Maybe not but it is what it is. Until he's aware of his issues, it's the only safe thing to do.

[ca]

Hi,

 

Well something on what happened after yesterday's unfortunate event, he did come bak home .. rather late, was okay.

I gave him an hour or so to cool off , we didnt talk for quite a long time, and then i went up to him to ask him if things were fine and if his parents were okay ( ws taking care i do not mention the event that took place n in no way bring about unpleasantries all over again on ourselves!), but then.... .wrong move! He started by saying i was totally stupid to get off car , that he would have eventually taken a turn and picked me up from that place and that my decision to go home on gettin off the car was "rash"

 

I thnk thats again irrational thinking, kept quiet, offered him flowers, ( he said it was bribe and well, HIS money neednt be wasted like this...after all I wasnt working anymore, so i had 'forgotten' the value of money ) This hurt, but still kept cool, put the flowers away, asked him if we could be together that night.

 

He turned his back, but then after about half an hour, seemed normal, and we slept. Period!

Today, before he left for work, i went ahead and tested the waters before asking him if he was fine with me ! He said he was, and left!

 

I thnk the only way we can carry on without disastrous endings at the moment is for me to put up wit all this, and just keep some hope things will get better!

 

I am on the lookout for a job , and things seem promising soon, have some freelancing to do to keep my mind off all this stuff. But its unbeleivable for a guy who seemd like the "perfect cool headed hearty " man to turn into a fire -spitting maniac who just thinks I am a bum who is at fault ALWAYS...

 

I am fine today, but as far as i knw, the man is smart! He would never in a million years agree He has a problem too, and at least begin to acknowledge that he needs to cool down and take a hold of situations too!

 

Today, Ive decided to call on his parents , even though he thinks I "wish " they were better off dead, now thats exagerrated hatred coming off his mind isnt it ??

 

And I , in the long run, hope i dont lose out my mind , hope and happiness trying to run this marraige all by myself

[moimeme]

It's not really about being smart. It's likely much more about being in denial. They spend much of their lives feeling bad, wrong, stupid, and horrible. I don't think psyches stand up well under that for too long; eventually they have to believe it is the rest of the world that is to blame.

 

You really will need support in this. It is a very difficult sort of relationship to maintain, particularly if your spouse is undiagnosed/untreated. The stats on such relationships are dismal. He might not even have ADD; there can be physical conditions that can cause the symptoms and there are other disorders that can resemble it, but in every case, trying to conduct a relationship can be a huge struggle.

 

God knows I tried. And failed

[ca]

Its hysteria! Now tell me if hysteria is inherited? His father is, and the world knows about it! Infact we had a lot of problems during our courtship days, thanks to his parents.

 

If he were an hour late, they would call ME up to blast off and say things like, i was tryin to be the b***h who loves to split families and run off with "innocent" men , etc . At that time , he ws extremely supportive and we hit it off real well, got married and there was heaps of understanding and chemistry between us.

 

I keep asking myself if tat was the initial 'infatuation / attraction' phase for him ? Perhaps all this hatred and spite towards me, is a form of letting off the guilt manisfested inside of him, to have fought with his parents an gone ahead and married me! He absolutely denies this when I ask him if this were true though!

 

Secretive men can be killers.. I am thking private detectives? Hiring another person to find out whats in his mind ! destructive option, but would love to do it ! Who knws.....