moimeme Posted December 22, 2003 Share Posted December 22, 2003 At that time , he ws extremely supportive and we hit it off real well, got married and there was heaps of understanding and chemistry between us Oh, to have a couple of bucks for all the stories I read that began exactly that way. IF he's ADD, then what happened is that the chemicals/brain effects caused by love mimicked the effects of stimulant medication. Unfortunately, that only lasts so long before it wears off. While he was in love, he hyperfocused on you - and, doubtless, you felt loved and cherished like you never had before. As for his parents; it is likely one or both are affected. There is a very strong genetic correlation between ADD kids and parents with ADD, depression, or bipolar. He doesn't hate you. He just can't conduct a relationship very well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ca Posted December 22, 2003 Author Share Posted December 22, 2003 I have started feeling he is more arrogant than , having a mental problem. disconnecting calls however important they may be?? thats BAD.. Well, i made a call on his folks today morning, and told him that, he said that was very good, but then when i tried to spk to him about something else, about the vacation , he quickly disconnected his cell and put it to voice mail. Do i deserve this? Tell me is this man really wanting to be with me ? Coz i sure as hell feel NOT Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 22, 2003 Share Posted December 22, 2003 OK. Here's what happens. He does things which ought not be done by a loving partner (that is, one that is not in some way impaired by a disorder). These things bug you. He doesn't accept responsibility or blame for them. Which bugs you more. Then he does more things. And you get much more bugged. This disintegrates into a cycle of perpetual anger burbling below the surface until every single thing he does annoys you. It's a toxic, horrible, dreadful situation to be in. I know. I've been there, and I have read countless stories of spouses who did the same. As it happened, my ex took a vacation and I had a chance to get out of the cycle long enough to comprehend what was happening and how. Once I realized what an inescapable whirlpool this was, I was able to keep myself out of it. But before I managed to extract myself, I turned into somebody I didn't even recognize. I've since been working on my own theory about all this, but suffice it to say that you have to stop this downward spiral you're in however you can for your own sake. To my continued sorrow, I never was fully able to depersonalize his behaviour. I managed to not be upset constantly, but I sure was no semblance of myself. At least I was able to stop the constant state of near-anger. I can't even believe that was me, now I look back on it all! What you have to manage to do is try to understand that he's not doing these things on purpose to hurt you. I'm sure you've heard him say it dozens of times. He just doesn't get it. They just do not get it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ca Posted December 22, 2003 Author Share Posted December 22, 2003 Yes ur right moimeme, by controlling ourselves, at least we feel at peace, and all this stress hav taken a goddam toll on my physical health! i dont want a heart problem before 30! no thanks! I am gonna leave it to him to realise for himself , what he wants out of both of us. Till then, quiet I stay and min my own business. Let go. I hope this vaction of ours helps us to do that. Its gonna be real tough puttin up a happy face in front my family will we are at it though! Because it hurts and knowing him, there would be more reasons for me to hurt, even when it was supposed to be vacation and wind up time! Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 22, 2003 Share Posted December 22, 2003 all this stress hav taken a goddam toll on my physical health I hear that! My blood pressure, which has always been in 'optimum' range, went up 20 points in a year! A lot of spouses end up going on antidepressants, themselves, to be able to cope with their situations. Let go Easier said than done - at least it was for me. I hope, however, that you will succeed where I did not. Link to post Share on other sites
hurtinrealbad Posted December 22, 2003 Share Posted December 22, 2003 I see a lot of me in what you are describing. I treated my wife like that off and on for the last 3 years and I didn't even know what I was doing. I am an alcoholic and I have Type I Bipolar Disorder, but for me that's no excuse. It sounds to me like your husband has a lot of penned up anger, resentment, frustration and stress. I've been there adn I've done what he has done. I can't speak for him, but usually for me I was angry at something that happened at work, then I would come home and drink, then I would start yelling at my wife about nothing at all. Now she is moving out in two weeks for some "time away" to "think and find her feelings" for me. For me that's BS, that's just a nice way to say I'm leaving you for good. I wish she would just say that to me so I can mentally move on instead of being in limbo. Anyway, that's off the subject. The best advice I could give you is to try and talk to your husband and be sincere with him. Try some counseling and see how that goes. He probably doesn't know how to talk to you about the problems he is having. Give him support and let him know that he can talk to you if he wants to. Make him his favorite dinner one day and when you see that he is approachable just tell him your very worried about your marriage and if he could talk about it with you. Don't be afraid to approach him, but if he keeps on yelling and breaking things, it may be time for you to move out for a while. I wish you the best of luck and I hope everything works out for you. Link to post Share on other sites
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