Mom hates boyfriend for no reason

[Shellz937]

Yes it's the typical mother hates only child who is a daughter's boyfriend. Here's some background, i'm 22 I live with my parents. I'm very grateful that they allow me to live with them rent free. I'm currently enrolled in school full time, I work several jobs.

 

I've been dating this guy for over a year. He is a great guy and has been there for me no matter what. We were friends for a year before we started dating. Before we started dating he wasn't the best kept guy, he was overweight, his hair was litterally a huge red fro, and never shaved. So I can see from my mom's point of view of OMG this slop wants to date my daughter. After beating around the bush for a year I figured well lets try dating for a few weeks, well a few weeks turned into a year and throughout the year he has physically changed from a slop to a very good looking guy. And no i'm not the type of girl to change guys. I fell in love with him for his personality.

 

Now some background on the guy. He works multiple jobs, going to school to earn his degree. Doesn't do drugs, is honest from what I can tell. Everyone else likes him, this includes my friends, co-workers, and father. And personally if he can clean up his appearance without me having to ask or hint that means a great deal to me.

 

For the past year the moment she found out we were dating she's been telling me to drop him and remain friends. I know this sounds corny but I love him. My mother won't give me a reason why she doesn't like him only that she believes i'm not ready for a relationship. For our one year anniversary he gave me a promise ring to tell me he's not going anywhere, and that he'll only be faithful to me, and that in the future when I'm ready this ring will be replaced by a bigger one.

 

So mom and I have been fighting more and more and honestly guys it's starting to get to me because its a never ending battle!

 

Also I know once I get my own place I can do whatever I want. I don't want to move out because I hate my mom. I want to move out when I know i'm financially stable enough, and have my degree. I hate the fact she hates him and yes she has said she hates him.

 

So any suggestions?

[Boundary Problem]

You must have some insight into your mom's reservations.

 

She thinks you aren't ready for a relationship. Maybe she means marriage. If you give back the promise ring, and just be bf/gf would she relax?

 

22 sounds a little young to be getting married in my opinion.

 

Maybe she wants you to put your schooling/career first before you settle down.

[Shellz937]

The thing is we aren't looking for marriage. At the moment, that's the farthest thing from my mind. I want to get my PHD he wants to get his masters first. And she has told me she won't be happy until I get rid of Boozo. That's her nick name for him because he use to have naturally curly hair that was a huge fro. He kinda looked like carrot top.

 

And I do agree with you 22 is way to young to get married. I want my career and so does he the promise ring is just a symbol of commitment.

[Ronni_W]

Maybe she's more afraid that she is going to "lose you" (to ANY guy.) So, you could try doing lots of reassuring about how much you love and appreciate her, value her wisdom, always will need her, are looking forward to the day that you'll be more friend than child to her. Stuff like that. And hopefully you'll mean all of it, of course.

 

Also, find some activities that you two can invite her along - the park, a movie, whatever. Allow her get to know him, find out that he is honourable, respectable, and to see how he well treats you. Find small ways that he can express his genuine appreciation for her fine parenting skills and efforts, and having raised such a kind, loving, considerate, intelligent, well-rounded, mature young lady as yourself.

 

NOT disingenuously...she's likely to see through that. But just gently changing the dynamics so that it is more of three adults, than her in a "mom" role and you two as the "kids".

Best of luck!

[Boundary Problem]

The thing is we aren't looking for marriage. At the moment, that's the farthest thing from my mind. I want to get my PHD he wants to get his masters first. And she has told me she won't be happy until I get rid of Boozo. That's her nick name for him because he use to have naturally curly hair that was a huge fro. He kinda looked like carrot top.

 

And I do agree with you 22 is way to young to get married. I want my career and so does he the promise ring is just a symbol of commitment.

 

 

Ahh I see the problem. Well you unfortunately are going to have to assert yourself.

 

If he is your boyfriend, then he is entitled to respect. And it doesn't reflect well on your mom that she hasn't bothered to get to know him.

 

My dad is the same way. The guys are always guilty until proven innocent. I remember dating the nicest and I mean the nicest guy in my early 20s for three years and when he came to the house my dad always got his name wrong. Like each time he called him a differnt name. It was agony.

 

I don't know what to advise you. Just that it is a constant struggle with my dad to get him to respect my choices. Don't expect her support. But if she can just stop with the name-calling and the negative comments then it would be a big accomplishment.

 

It has gotten to the point where I pretty much don't bring anybody around. Why should someone I care about be subjected to that abuse?

[Shellz937]

Thank you both for your advise. She rather not be in the same room as him, as she has told me countless time. She won't call him boozo to his face. His family is so kind towards me and I feel slightly ashamed to know that my own mother can't be curtious towards him. She just ignores him which is better then calling him names. My dad doesn't mind him, of course my dad took the time to get to know him.

 

My mother says he'll never be able to provide for me and that he's only going to drag me down and I'll just end up being his slut. Not that it's anyones business but we both have decided to wait till marriage and even if we don't get married it's not a big pressure. So I know my mom is afraid to loose me, but letting me grow up and enjoy a committed relationship is something she's not willing to do.

[Boundary Problem]

My mother says he'll never be able to provide for me and that he's only going to drag me down and I'll just end up being his slut. Not that it's anyones business but we both have decided to wait till marriage and even if we don't get married it's not a big pressure. So I know my mom is afraid to loose me, but letting me grow up and enjoy a committed relationship is something she's not willing to do.

 

 

As spectacularly difficult as some of our parents are, they do have their infrequent moments of insight.

 

My dad is the only one who warned me not to marry by exH because "he's gay". Well guess what.....yup. He's gay.

 

So as much as my dad is such a pain in the a--, he does have a chilling grasp of the human psyche and I wish I had listened to him before marrying my exH. But of course it was my dad who could never get people's names right, so I ignored him.

 

So I guess, take your mom's concerns: ie your bf won't be able to support you, and critically analyze whether or not she has a point.

 

I hate to say it, but my dad was right. So if I ever settle down again, unfortunately for my SO, they are going to have to deal with my dad.

 

If you are just at the dating stage I wouldn't worry about mom's opinion too much - just go have fun.

 

But if you go to settle down (move in together, get married), then you are going to have to deal with mom's concerns. Maybe they aren't phantom concerns.

[Shellz937]

Well...I'm pretty sure he isn't gay, but I do see what you mean. The thing is I would be more incline to listen if she would stop with the name calling and childish behavior. Mind you he is going to be a network engineer and has people lined up to hire him. And this isn't at his word I've seen the amount of people that wants to hire him. I think this is all the result of she doesn't want to loose her little girl.

 

I figure all I can do is bare and grin it until something changes. Either she accepts him, or she doesn't. Either way I'm being disowned by her so it doesn't make much difference.

 

Thank you all for your support!

[Ronni_W]

His family is so kind towards me and I feel slightly ashamed to know that my own mother can't be curtious towards him.

Shellz, tell her that. Exactly like that. In that same 'tone' that I'm interpreting (it sounds more sad and hurt than angry...is it?)

You could also ask her what is preventing her from trusting YOUR judgment; ASK if she has heard something about him or his family that has led to her concerns and contempt.

 

It does appear that there is something much deeper going on inside of her but, as already mentioned, you are of an age where you need to start putting your assertive communication skills into practice.

 

Our parents do need to hear from us if, when and how their attitudes and actions negatively impact us. I mean, we ought to offer lots of positive feedback, too, but it's not very 'adult' to hold back on expressing our feelings of hurt, upset, sadness, confusion, etc.

 

At the beginning, it may not be easy for her to have this type of adult conversation with you...but it's as good a time as any for you to start the transition. Keep your cool, be kind and loving, use lots of "I statements"...and that ought to help minimize any 'melt down' on her part.

 

It's tricky to navigate the path when a parent isn't ready to let go, and wants to keep control over their kids' decisions and desires. But you do have the power and skills to help her with that, yes?

Again. Best of luck.

 

EDIT: Also tell her, "The thing is I would be more incline to listen if she would stop with the name calling and childish behavior." (Help her to understand what SHE is doing that isn't too positive and 'functional'.)

Edited December 7, 2009 by Ronni_W