I am trying to win back my best friend - ex-girlfrined...Am I doing the right things?

[scoldingromeo]

Hello everybody,

 

I finally feel like I've found some people who can share my heartache.

 

I am trying my hardest to win back my ex-girlfriend. We started dating 3 years ago on and off. We moved in together when she was 17 and I was 21. It was hard - paying bills and such but we made it. Then we decided that I would go to school full time and get my degrees so I can support us and start a family but in the meantime she would have to pay all the bills. We were madly in love and got tattoos of eachother's name in Chinese characters. That went on for a while but then we broke up after I hurt her so many times: making her cry and feel bad about her body (I am an idiot by the way she is beautiful). But we decided to continue living together since were the closest of friends.

 

SO we moved into a new apartment and she asked if she could be my girlfriend again. I said yes without thinking about it and wasn't really ready yet. I hurt her feelings again and we broke up only 5 days later. Realizing I needed to fix my ways I started changing myself slowly (not bugging her about her body, snacking, stupid stuff). While this is going on I am still going to school while she works hard paying all the bills and it is really stressful on her. Then we started getting along very well and while we were apart on Thanksgiving I called her and told her "Baby, I really appreciate you, I just want you to know that." I guess that really hit her somewhere special and we got back together again. We had a beautiful time again for about 7 months. Around that time I was getting a little bugged by her crankiness everyday, she was not happy. She was a workaholic that came home cranky and didn't know what she was doing with her life. Our rent was about to be increased so we decided to move again. I knew that this would be a really stressful time so I thought it would be a good idea if we took a break. SO we broke up again and it was very mutual. She told me that she wasn't happy either and didn't know what she wanted with her life right now.

 

SO we moved to our new place and it was a beautiful house. I thought it would be nice if I started paying half of all the bills so she wouldn't be so burdened and things were going great. We slept with eachother now and then and had really good sex. Earth stopping sex. I bugged her too much about it though and think I pushed her away with my persistence. I was thinking with my "other head" but I also felt so close to her when we made love, I didn't want to leave that place. While this was going on I started seeing this younger girl and my ex-girlfriend was searching the various Internet Dating sites (Match.com, Americansingles.com, etc) looking for a date. I realized the younger girl was just not for me because she was nowhere near how good my ex is in all aspects.

 

So I tried to win her back again by writing a simple letter. She read it and we talked. She said that she has been getting over me for a while now but every now and then she feels like she could totally fall in love with me again. But she doesn't want to ruin our friendship. SO more time goes by and recently she found an older man on the internet. He's 27 and she's 20. She showed me his profile and he is your typical good American man that wants to settle down soon. This really woke me up and I realized that I could really lose her. Then she started meeting him for small encounters (she says they're taking it really slow). One day I talked to my mom about it and told her I still love her but she's starting to see someone else. My mom ending up calling her and suggested her to move out. I had no idea of this until she came home and told me. Before she came home I spent days writing the most sincere letter to her, expressing my deepest emotions. And I gave her a diamond ring as a symbol that I will always love her and with the belief that one day we would be joined again. When I read her the letter and gave her the ring we were both crying and she asked me "What took you so long?" I said, "I don't know, I think this really woke me up."

 

So she moved out a couple days ago back to her parent’s house. When she left we held eachother and kissed for a while and she said she was so sad to leave. She told me she needs some space for a while and I understand so that's what I've been trying to give her. We talk every other day and I try and avoid asking about the older man she is starting to see. We're getting along very well and she knows how I feel about her. Today I surprised her by talking to the owner of a Theater and reserving the theater for just me and her. I picked her up from work and took her to this theater to sing her a song on guitar I wrote. And then I gave her 2 roses. She was speechless. She said "I don't know what to say...that was so sweet.....thank you." I told her, "you don't have to say anything." We held eachother and she kissed my cheek and I kissed her forehead. When she was walking away we were both blowing kisses and when she was pretty far away I yelled with all my heart "I LOVE YOU!" she said "I know."

 

So here I am....still pining away for my sweet girl. I have learned from all the mistakes I made with her and now feel like I am the man for her. She makes me want to be a better man. I don't think I'll ever meet a person as amazing, loving, and sweet as her. Am I doing the right things to win her back? What else should I do? I know I need to give her space right but how much? Please respond.

 

thank you,

Scolding Romeo

[andreautick]

I think you've made some sweet gestures, I really do. But right now, she said she needs space and all you can do is be there for her and wait and keep making it clear to her how you feel...without being too pushy about it. Slow and steady wins the race:)

 

Good luck

[dyermaker]

Slow and steady wins the race:)

 

Or, if they don't win the race, they were moving slow enough to pretend they didn't care about winning all along.

[scoldingromeo]

Originally posted by dyermaker

Or, if they don't win the race, they were moving slow enough to pretend they didn't care about winning all along.

 

so slow and steady is good? I don't understand the last comment

 

thanks

[andreautick]

I think that meant that if you go slow and steady it could appear that you don't really care about getting her back. And, that could be, unless you keep making your intentions clear, as you have been. Keep telling her you care and that you love her...maybe even go right out and say "I love you, and I really want to get back together, but I know you need your space so I am going to back off...but you can know that every minute of that timeI'll be thinking of you and how much I wish I was yours." You get the drift:)

[sarah12]

It sounds like you had a tumultuous relationship with this girl and that you do love her very much. I don't think that she is ready to date the other man, and even though she is seeing him, her heart is still with you. It's best to just give her the space she needs for now..you both need some time apart to think about things and what you really want, and what you are willing and ready to change, since what you guys were doing before did not work. I agree with the others that you should keep telling her you love her and care a lot about her.

 

good luck.

[SoleMate]

Well, I have a different opinion. It seems you haven't treated this girl right for most or all of the time you've been with her. When she was there for you, you weren't there for her. You criticize her appearance and behavior, and let her support you while you're going to school, all while calling her a crank workaholic. I guess it's easy to push her around because she is younger than you.

 

Yet, she gets a whiff of freedom and perhaps a different man who would treat her with respect and love, and all of a sudden you get scared about your sweet one-sided deal ending. So you pull out all the schmaltzy tricks that you know will flip her trigger. Perhaps in your confused head the theater/song/rose stunt actually does make up for months of disdain and disrespect.

 

I have learned from all the mistakes I made with her and now feel like I am the man for her. She makes me want to be a better man.

 

Good, because it's high time. However, I hope the two of you do NOT get back together. She is headed for a lifetime of unhappiness if she is with you.

 

If you really want to be a better man, start treating her with respect. Yes, you'll have to become honest, hardworking, ethical, and mature. Oh, and cut out all the emotional manipulation you use to get your way. It's nauseating.

[scoldingromeo]

It's not like that, seriously. I'm not upset over any one sided deal ending, it was never like that. I tried and summing up everything best I can but you have to try and see the big picture of things.

 

We were always there for eachother, my for her and her for me. That is why we are still best friends, unlike many other situations I have seen on this board. I am basically a guy that realzed he messed up and has already changed my ways. I love her and am not even close to thinking about any emotional manipulations and such. Those statements and hurtful. I just want to have another chance to make everything right and treat her the best that any man possible could.

 

I don't blame you for your opinion because what I wrote is not everything, and how you translated is up to you.

 

Originally posted by SoleMate

Well, I have a different opinion. It seems you haven't treated this girl right for most or all of the time you've been with her. When she was there for you, you weren't there for her. You criticize her appearance and behavior, and let her support you while you're going to school, all while calling her a crank workaholic. I guess it's easy to push her around because she is younger than you.

 

Yet, she gets a whiff of freedom and perhaps a different man who would treat her with respect and love, and all of a sudden you get scared about your sweet one-sided deal ending. So you pull out all the schmaltzy tricks that you know will flip her trigger. Perhaps in your confused head the theater/song/rose stunt actually does make up for months of disdain and disrespect.

 

 

 

Good, because it's high time. However, I hope the two of you do NOT get back together. She is headed for a lifetime of unhappiness if she is with you.

 

If you really want to be a better man, start treating her with respect. Yes, you'll have to become honest, hardworking, ethical, and mature. Oh, and cut out all the emotional manipulation you use to get your way. It's nauseating.