I love her. She loves me. But, she wants to play around.

[Philetus]

Update....

 

Hi. I don't know who, if anyone, is interested in what's happening but some seemed interested so I thought I'd post an update.

 

 

First off, when I posted originally, I was in my lowest point for sure. A low point in what has literally been the worst two weeks of my life. I was extremely confused, scared, and basically an emotional wreck. I thought my marriage was likely over, that my wife was (at best) in an emotional affair, that she had no feelings for me, and that my choice was either accept something that I couldn't live with (some kind of 'open' relationship) or messy divorce/financial ruin/devastation for my children. Not a good place. So, I really appreciate those that were helpful. The rest of you, not so much.

 

I expect those of who who've been where I am can appreciate that. A week has passed, we've been to couples and individual counseling. A word of advice to those who fear counseling - don't. I've never been to one before and it was a great experience - no matter how things turn out.

 

The 'open relationship' idea floated by my wife was, in her words, temporary insanity. Neither of us want it - it's a dead idea. The books she ordered were returned literally unopened. I make no judgments on others who live that way, but it is NOT happening for us.

 

What I want, is obvious. I want my wife back and my family whole. I've made drastic changes to my schedule and my activities so that she and I are spending much more time together - and it's quality time. It's the things we used to love doing together, but got away from us due to the unimportant things in life. We're singing, we're exercising, hell we even wash dishes and fold laundry together and just talk. What I've discovered was how much I had missed these things.

 

My wife is the conflicted one. She is not 'in love' with me anymore. We have a great time together, we laugh and share so much, but that 'spark' that I used to create in her - is gone. Intellectually, she WANTS it to come back and so we're trying. Emotionally, she's not sure. She's grieved the end of our marriage, and convinced herself that I felt the same. She was wrong about that.

 

I screwed up because I didn't fulfill her needs. She screwed up too because she didn't communicate that to me. We both share the guilt over that.

 

The complicating issue is this dance instructor that she started flirting with about a month ago. She felt things developing and didn't say anything. This is the betrayal - she was having an emotional affair. It came to a head when he asked her out and she said, 'yes'. There has been no 'physical affair' yet. (I know some of you won't believe that but it's irrelevant. The emotional affair is almost as hurtful to me as a physical one would have been.)

 

So, where are we?

 

We've given ourselves three months to see if she can fall in love with me. My only real hope is that the person she fell in love with 20 years ago, she hasn't really seen much of lately. He's back now and we'll see what happens. During that time, she will have NO contact with the other man. At the end of three months, we will likely be in therapy strengthening our marriage, or negotiating it's end.

 

Am I hopeful? Not really. I'm trying to be realistic and I'm using this time to search my feelings and see what my needs will be IF this marriage falls apart - do I date immediately, how much contact can I have with my current wife, etc. Mainly though, I'm following the advice of my counselor and just worrying about those things that I CAN control. I'm taking care of myself, eating well, keeping up with exercise, and I'm starting to read books on self-help, spirituality, and marriage advice.

 

The bottom line is I'm doing everything I can to save my marriage without trying too hard - if that makes sense. I'm being myself and if my wife can love me again, I'm on top of the world, if not, we'll hopefully find some way to split that doesn't do untold damage to our children, emotions, and finances.

 

If we do split - I think we'll face a tremendous crisis, unfortunately. I think we're miles apart on what we'd accept and so a divorce may get messy. However, I'm not even thinking about it unless and until it becomes inevitable.

 

I'm not really looking for more advice. I'm pretty clear on what I'm doing and now it's just coming to accept it if things go against me which I'm pretty sure they will. But, I have to live with hope and plan for the day we ARE together again, otherwise, I may as well just give up now.

 

Again.. for all of those who offered helpful advice and didn't project your problems onto my situation - you have my thanks.

 

Philetus

[Philetus]

Actually, there is some advice I'm seeking.

 

I'm looking for books on self help, spirituality, and marriage/relationships.

 

The latter group, marriage books, I'm looking for things that talk about making your relationship stronger, rekindling feelings of love, anything that you think could help with that.

 

Thanks again.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

But I have to say quit beating yourself up.... This is your spouse's problem. She is having a mid-life crisis, and you are left holding the bag and having to make "her fall in love again".....

 

Your wife better be doing the intensive individual counselling and the MC I hope is telling her to articulate her expectations and the reasonableness of them.

 

How about her making you fall in love????? Don't keep telling us how perfect she is and everything. We all grow, mature and get somewhat comfortable in marriage. We may work harder in a marriage then we did before, but now they observe every wart we have, each imperfection and us at our worst. Nothing wrong with that, just a fact.

 

I hope she is putting 50% of the effort into this that you are.....

[tnhusband]

Glad to see you guys are communicating but I agree with TooDamn - you really seem to be taking this all on your shoulders to "fix".

 

Might be reading it wrong as we are only getting your side/perspective but a word of warning - don't be too nice, too accomodating - I believe that to most women that is not sexy/attractive behaviour.

 

Do a web seach on "No More Mister Nice Guy" its an interesting website - I don't agree with all that they say but they do make some good points.

 

Good luck.

[SoleMate]

Book: His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley. Practical, reality-based, actionable advice.

[Philetus]

But I have to say quit beating yourself up.... This is your spouse's problem. She is having a mid-life crisis, and you are left holding the bag and having to make "her fall in love again".....

 

Your wife better be doing the intensive individual counselling and the MC I hope is telling her to articulate her expectations and the reasonableness of them.

 

How about her making you fall in love????? Don't keep telling us how perfect she is and everything. We all grow, mature and get somewhat comfortable in marriage. We may work harder in a marriage then we did before, but now they observe every wart we have, each imperfection and us at our worst. Nothing wrong with that, just a fact.

 

I hope she is putting 50% of the effort into this that you are.....

 

I've valued your advice, but I don't see where I'm continuing to beat myself up? Yes, I certainly did that originally. However, I've now come to realize that it was my wife who stepped outside our marriage. No matter how inattentive I may have been - it doesn't excuse her actions. She's the one who fell out of love and didn't say anything. She's the one who developed an emotional attachment to another person and didn't say anything. As for me, I'm a human being and I messed up but I didn't break any vows. She did.

 

To me, that's the truth and reality of the situation. I don't think I'm beating anyone up.

 

Is she committed to reconnecting with me? I don't really know. She says she is and I take her at her word. Seriously, why would she lie? It's not like the 'end game' of this relationship will change, she's not trying to convince me of anything? If she wants out, there is nothing to gain by dragging this on unless it's the hope that we can save our marriage.

 

She says she wants three months to see if we can fall in love again. That's what we're doing. Everything else, is in the past and is forgotten and forgiven. We're looking at the present and the future.

[Philetus]

Book: His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley. Practical, reality-based, actionable advice.

 

Ordered it from my library. Thanks.

[Philetus]

Glad to see you guys are communicating but I agree with TooDamn - you really seem to be taking this all on your shoulders to "fix".

 

Might be reading it wrong as we are only getting your side/perspective but a word of warning - don't be too nice, too accomodating - I believe that to most women that is not sexy/attractive behaviour.

 

Do a web seach on "No More Mister Nice Guy" its an interesting website - I don't agree with all that they say but they do make some good points.

 

Good luck.

 

Thanks.

 

I'm trying to be myself. But, I did say to my wife that I won't 'tiptoe' around her. That if we're going to fight, we're going to fight. If I need to throw something (not at her) I"m going to throw something.

 

I'll check out the website.

[SoleMate]

Book: His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley. Practical, reality-based, actionable advice.

[Sadgati]

IMHO, this is not something you want or would choose or even consider for one moment at all...except for the fact she asked you to do and is pressuring you to do...if you can call it 'asking' you.

 

I would NEVER, NEVER consent to it. It feels as if she thinks what she is about to do will be ethical and moral IF she gets you to agree to it. So DON"T. Don't let her play you like that.

 

I would NEVER let her use me like this. That is what she is doing, trying to get you to agree to be her lap dog. It is degrading to you, disrespectful to you. I think she just wants to get you to agree to it so it can ease her conscience...A TEENY BIT. If she talks you into it, then she can justify her actions somewhat. If family or friends find out, she will be able to USE you and say she isn't hurting you as you agreed to it, and now you will be the one who looks bad and takes the heat.

 

There is NO room for a third person in your marriage.

 

You could end up diseased if you go this route, or she could.

 

You will always be playing second to some other guy or whatever route she decides she wants after this.

 

She is asking you to give her permission to break your marriage vows and have an affair.

 

Has she stopped to consider your children at all? You do know that eventually someone will find out, someone will gossip, and someone, likely another kid will make sure they find out and it will be your kids who are hurt most of all.

 

Is this the moral message you want your children to learn from you? Is this the moral message you want to teach your children? If you have kids, like it or not you have a responsibility to them. If the marriage is over, let it be over rather than play these silly games.

 

I would rather live in a smaller house, and have my honor than to have to live a life playing second fiddle to a woman who only cares about herself. If you love her do you really think this is in your best interest to have to deal with all these emotions from now until eternity? Accept that is it over and move on. Get your affairs in order as much as possible so you don't lose it all. Talk to a financial advisor and see how they can help you...and talk to a lawyer. Usually you can find one who gives a first consultation free.

 

Don't let her place all of the guilt for her unhappiness on yourself...

I think she is going through some mid-life crisis and could use some counseling. If she thinks toying with another man is the only key to her happiness, surprise, surprise! How much time will pass before she decides this isn't enough for her and she wants him to move in with you? You definitely are setting yourself up to have to deal with agonizing hurt and humiliation...far better to end the marriage before further suffering happens.

 

Since she is not IN love with you, the marriage is already over. You deserve to be treated a whole lot better than this, and there ARE many women out in the world who would love to have a man who could remain monogamous rather than having a player or a cheater.

 

...and since this isn't a choice you are really being given don't agree to it. She is essentially issuing an ultimatum. You will end up thinking less of yourself and feeling like less of a man if you do.

 

Best of luck to you

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I've valued your advice, but I don't see where I'm continuing to beat myself up? Yes, I certainly did that originally. However, I've now come to realize that it was my wife who stepped outside our marriage. No matter how inattentive I may have been - it doesn't excuse her actions. She's the one who fell out of love and didn't say anything. She's the one who developed an emotional attachment to another person and didn't say anything. As for me, I'm a human being and I messed up but I didn't break any vows. She did.

 

To me, that's the truth and reality of the situation. I don't think I'm beating anyone up.

 

Is she committed to reconnecting with me? I don't really know. She says she is and I take her at her word. Seriously, why would she lie? It's not like the 'end game' of this relationship will change, she's not trying to convince me of anything? If she wants out, there is nothing to gain by dragging this on unless it's the hope that we can save our marriage.

 

She says she wants three months to see if we can fall in love again. That's what we're doing. Everything else, is in the past and is forgotten and forgiven. We're looking at the present and the future.

 

I just hope she is (has been) honest and is committed to the marriage, not where she'll be in 3 months. That is where I am having a problem with this thread. I can't tell what her "end game" is?

[frozensprouts]

Hi

my husband and I went through a very similar thing this past summer ( roles reversed, and it got much more "out of hand'- you can read my other threads for the whole annoying, soap-opera like saga).

 

I am glad that you are feeling better. I am also glad that you found counseling that met your needs. I would like to say, maybe not so much for you, but for anyone who is following your story, that sometimes you have to "shop around" to find a counselor who is a good"fit" with you- we tired several, and finally settled with a counselor for both of us, and an army chaplain for me to talk to ( kind of funny, in a way, as I am agnostic- but it works).

 

I hope things work out for you an your wife, but it sounds like you are laying the groundwork for what you will do if it doesn't. That's great!

 

But I know it's probably hard sometimes... when it gets like that for me, all I find that i can do is just keep putting one foot in front of the other...I don't have the option to just give up and curl up in a ball somewhere, I've got three kids who need me ( two with "special needs",)- it sounds like it's the same for you.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Hi

my husband and I went through a very similar thing this past summer ( roles reversed, and it got much more "out of hand'- you can read my other threads for the whole annoying, soap-opera like saga).

 

I am glad that you are feeling better. I am also glad that you found counseling that met your needs. I would like to say, maybe not so much for you, but for anyone who is following your story, that sometimes you have to "shop around" to find a counselor who is a good"fit" with you- we tired several, and finally settled with a counselor for both of us, and an army chaplain for me to talk to ( kind of funny, in a way, as I am agnostic- but it works).

 

I hope things work out for you an your wife, but it sounds like you are laying the groundwork for what you will do if it doesn't. That's great!

 

But I know it's probably hard sometimes... when it gets like that for me, all I find that i can do is just keep putting one foot in front of the other...I don't have the option to just give up and curl up in a ball somewhere, I've got three kids who need me ( two with "special needs",)- it sounds like it's the same for you.

 

And not a single one has told you that your husband has a sexual addiction and that he is obsessed with sex??? God 4X's a day!!!!!!!!

[jmargel]

Phil,

 

It's good that you are doing things that are having a positive impact in your life, but remember that you should be doing this for yourself, not for the marriage. She has to take full responsibility in her behavior and the way she treated you.

 

It sort of sounds like she is getting away without any consequences and for the next three months you need to be the superhuman of husbands.

 

Ever notice how alot of women stay with jerks? Wonder why? It's because even though they are 'jerks' they have confidence. They have this confidence in them that no matter who they are with, they will be fine. Now you don't need to be a jerk to have confidence, but confidence itself is something women just adore. They want someone to be show their strength emotionally.

 

Confidence also can work for you alot, use it to get what you want out of life without using fear. Not show it, but live in it. Nothing wrong with spending time with her and having fun, but don't become her whipping boy. Quit taking on the responsibility for what she has done. Let her know that you will live on and have a great life without her if that happens. Let her know that you also have the option of ending this marriage.

 

Don't let another person define who you are or should be.

[Philetus]

Phil,

 

It's good that you are doing things that are having a positive impact in your life, but remember that you should be doing this for yourself, not for the marriage. She has to take full responsibility in her behavior and the way she treated you.

 

It sort of sounds like she is getting away without any consequences and for the next three months you need to be the superhuman of husbands.

 

Ever notice how alot of women stay with jerks? Wonder why? It's because even though they are 'jerks' they have confidence. They have this confidence in them that no matter who they are with, they will be fine. Now you don't need to be a jerk to have confidence, but confidence itself is something women just adore. They want someone to be show their strength emotionally.

 

Confidence also can work for you alot, use it to get what you want out of life without using fear. Not show it, but live in it. Nothing wrong with spending time with her and having fun, but don't become her whipping boy. Quit taking on the responsibility for what she has done. Let her know that you will live on and have a great life without her if that happens. Let her know that you also have the option of ending this marriage.

 

Don't let another person define who you are or should be.

 

Thanks for the post.

[WebEx]

Phil, Buddy, I commend you for being so level headed and rational about this. You must be pretty secure to even let another man take your woman on a date..

 

Listen to me Buddy I was in similiar shoes as you. There is a thread with the whole devastating story, read it. Click my name and look under cheating/jealousy category. We are probably a bit more crazier than you guys it sounds..

 

After being with my wife 9 years and drifting apart, and she came up with this whole hokey idea that she wanted to play around with other men and in return I could mess around with other women, I was completely floored. After the initial shock I found my self compromising with her even, and then eventually she got her wish but all the groundrules were broken and so was my heart.

 

The best way to approach these women with some sort of life crisis is to immediately set them free.. Trust me, the saying "If you love something set it free" is very true in this situation. You need to get some things, find a place, a temporary one at first, tell her that your heart broken she wants others besides you, and that your leaving and she can do whatever she wants. Its only at that moment will she re-evaluate her true feelings for you. You do not know what you have until it is gone..

 

If after a few days she drops the whole idea and is madly in love with you again, re-approach the marriage with counciling, but dont waste ur time counciling on trying to tear apart your exclusiveness..

 

If you leave and she immediately runs out and screws other men, then you can let time heal you, and you know what you will find someone who makes you feel amazing, and doesnt want a husband one day a week, and will be perfectly happy giving you that exclusive bond.

 

Forget being rational, your wife is not being rational.. Dont worry about the house the bankruptcy, any of that.. thats only temporary problems, severely hurting or damaging your self is much worse.. Your credit will repair its self on its own. Bottom line, do all of us men in your shoes a favor, don't negotiate with terrorists. Show her you can move on just like that and can exist without her and I gurantee 20 years of attachment, and old emotions will be re-kindled for you to nuture back to the relationship you miss.