Torn between my parents and my boyfriend.

[koala]

So my situation is very complicated. I am in a relationship with a guy who is very sweet and caring. We love each other a lot and get along great, but like all relationships we have ups and downs. I am currently pregnant, which has caused a lot of stress. My parents never really liked my boyfriend because he is in the Navy instead of college. I tried to explain to them that he is in the Navy so he can go to college because he has no financial help from family like I did. He also has a son from a previous relationship. He tried to do the right thing and marry his ex, but she broke it off the day after wedding dress shopping.

 

They did not like him to begin with, but once I told them I was pregnant their dislike turned to hate. I understand them being angry, but I am almost 22 years old and will graduate college before I have the baby. Early in the pregnancy, my boyfriend and I got in a huge fight and had a week of no communication. I understood this, since we both were at fault for the fight and needed time to sort out our feelings. My family took it as him running away and convinced me he would never talk to me again, but that wasn't true. He wants to be there for me and be a family.

 

Now my family is trying to blackmail me into never being with him. So far, they have threatened me with cutting off my insurance for the duration of my pregnancy, not allowing him in their house, and never speaking to me again. I understand their concern and have listened to them, but I don't see things the way they do. They value success above all. I value a person's heart and kindness. They want me to be with someone who has a college degree and meets other criteria. I want to be with someone who treats me well and it doesn't matter to me what they do for a career.

 

They are very over protective and have done this before for no real reason. They use things like my own car that they put in their name against me to bully me into following their demands. I am an adult and can take care of myself. While their help would make things easier, I am afraid to take it because they may use it against me. I want to make everyone happy, but I can't make them happy and make myself happy at the same time. I really want to make a life with my boyfriend, but I don't want to alienate my family.

 

What should I do? How do I approach things? They continually bring him up and scream at me about it, but all this stress is harmful to me and my baby. I don't know where to go from here.

 

Thanks for the advice!

[Spoiled]

So my situation is very complicated. I am in a relationship with a guy who is very sweet and caring. We love each other a lot and get along great, but like all relationships we have ups and downs. I am currently pregnant, which has caused a lot of stress. My parents never really liked my boyfriend because he is in the Navy instead of college. I tried to explain to them that he is in the Navy so he can go to college because he has no financial help from family like I did. He also has a son from a previous relationship. He tried to do the right thing and marry his ex, but she broke it off the day after wedding dress shopping.

 

They did not like him to begin with, but once I told them I was pregnant their dislike turned to hate. I understand them being angry, but I am almost 22 years old and will graduate college before I have the baby. Early in the pregnancy, my boyfriend and I got in a huge fight and had a week of no communication. I understood this, since we both were at fault for the fight and needed time to sort out our feelings. , buMy family took it as him running away and convinced me he would never talk to me againt that wasn't true. He wants to be there for me and be a family.

Now my family is trying to blackmail me into never being with him. So far, they have threatened me with cutting off my insurance for the duration of my pregnancy, not allowing him in their house, and never speaking to me again. I understand their concern and have listened to them, but I don't see things the way they do. They value success above all. I value a person's heart and kindness. They want me to be with someone who has a college degree and meets other criteria. I want to be with someone who treats me well and it doesn't matter to me what they do for a career.

 

They are very over protective and have done this before for no real reason. They use things like my own car that they put in their name against me to bully me into following their demands. I am an adult and can take care of myself. While their help would make things easier, I am afraid to take it because they may use it against me. I want to make everyone happy, but I can't make them happy and make myself happy at the same time. I really want to make a life with my boyfriend, but I don't want to alienate my family.

 

What should I do? How do I approach things? They continually bring him up and scream at me about it, but all this stress is harmful to me and my baby. I don't know where to go from here.

Thanks for the advice!

 

My first suggestion is that you seek professional counseling.

 

I am in my 30s but experienced much of what you are enduring with my parents. Had a boyfriend they disapproved and gave me total fits about the relationship. I finally ended it, however was a teenager and living in with my parents. Later in life, I regretted my decision to end the relationship because he did not quite "fit" their standards. And also resented them for a long time not solely because of that relationship but those that followed. I kept serious boyfriends away from my family in fear of a repeated situation. And later married someone who "fit" their standards, to make them happy, and now having marital issues.

 

You are 22 and need to be independent. Need to provide for yourself and soon to be child. Your parents cannot use anything against you if you are taking care of yourself. As long as they are assisting you, expect their advice and opinions. I am sure they truly love you and only want what they feel is best for you. Parents want to protect their children from making life changing mistakes and suffering. But, YOU have to live your life. YOU have to make decisions and deal with the consequences.

 

Best luck to you. It will all work out, hang in there.

[Angel1111]

In one sense they're being overly-protective and in another sense, I can see what they're so upset about. First of all, since your bf already screwed up once and got a girl pregnant, you would think this would've been foremost on his mind, and that he'd make sure it didn't happen again. He dodged a bullet the first time, and then it happens again. That's the first thing I see that was a huge error on his part - and on yours.

 

I think he has a lot of potential in terms of being successful - and believe me money will be VERY important to you in the coming years - but now that he has to deal with a gf and child, life has suddenly changed. Finishing up at the navy and then going to college have become a luxury now. Neither of you should've let this happen because it has created tremendous problems for you both. How do you think you're going to get a job right out of college being pregnant? What is your bf going to do - stop everything and begin supporting a family? These are practical matters that are about to take centerstage now. I don't blame your parents for being pissed off.

 

I think the best you can do right now is to get married, get a job, have the baby, and let your bf go through the navy and then finish college. Don't be too hard on your parents because they have reason to be angry. However, by making threats, they're just worsening matters. If I had a kid who did this, I would be pretty bent about it but I wouldn't go to the extent that they are. You're going to need to become independent and not take any support from them. It will probably take a number of years before they cool off.

Edited December 7, 2009 by Angel1111

[koala]

Thanks for your replies! I really like the idea of going to see a therapist to sort this mess out. I feel like someone who is not biased would be helpful to everyone involved, but I think I should let things cool down a bit.

 

I understand that getting pregnant was not the ideal situation, but it happened. We took preventative measures, but unfortunately they failed. I am also completely understanding of my family's anger in regards to the situation. It came as a shock since I have never done anything really wrong or got into any trouble thus far. I am not unrealistic about how hard this is going to be. If I am qualified and talented enough to earn the position, I don't expect employers to discriminate against me for having a child. It is also illegal to discriminate against pregnant woman. I am not worried about my financial future as much as I am worried about my family conflict! I just feel like enough is enough. I would love everyone to move forward in a positive way and try to get along for the baby's sake. After all, he will be the child's father no matter how much they hate him.

[Angel1111]

Thanks for your replies! I really like the idea of going to see a therapist to sort this mess out. I feel like someone who is not biased would be helpful to everyone involved, but I think I should let things cool down a bit.

 

I understand that getting pregnant was not the ideal situation, but it happened. We took preventative measures, but unfortunately they failed. I am also completely understanding of my family's anger in regards to the situation. It came as a shock since I have never done anything really wrong or got into any trouble thus far. I am not unrealistic about how hard this is going to be. If I am qualified and talented enough to earn the position, I don't expect employers to discriminate against me for having a child. It is also illegal to discriminate against pregnant woman. I am not worried about my financial future as much as I am worried about my family conflict! I just feel like enough is enough. I would love everyone to move forward in a positive way and try to get along for the baby's sake. After all, he will be the child's father no matter how much they hate him.

 

It's a bitter pill for your family to swallow right now. It's their choice as to how long they decide to stay pissed off about this.

 

As far as employers are concerned, it may be illegal to discriminate against a pregnant woman but they don't have to tell you why they're not hiring you. They can discriminate all day long as long as they don't say they're doing it. I'm not saying that you won't be able to find a job, but it just got more challenging. You might want to start looking now before it becomes obvious that you're pregnant.