I need another perspective pleas respond.

[coldfeetmaybe]

I'm a 33 year old man. I'm divorced and have custody of my two sons.

I spent 4 years after my divorce learning to be happy with myself.

 

I started dating a woman about 3 years ago.

We lived separate for about a year until her apartment burned down.

Then she moved in. And things have been great. We set the date to get married in 2010. I have around 10 months to plan the wedding.

 

Our relationship is strong. I love her, she loves me. We are both well balanced adults cause we took the time to learn ourselves and become comfortable with ourselves.

We have a great partnership. We talk, we discuss, we plan, we see eye to eye on parenting. When we differ we work it out. We have alot in common and we also have significant differences that intrigue each other so we appreciate each other on multiple levels.

 

The only problem we have is sex.

I have a high sex drive, she doesn't.

She wants 5 minute quickies.

I want hours long petting making out leading up to sex sessions.

 

Our lives are busy, but not that busy. We have 2-3 hours 4-5 nights a week where we "chill" and read or do our hobbies or just sit and drink wine and talk.

So we have time to spend together the way I want.

 

I get more interested in sex when I have emotions invested in the relationship. So I want her all the time. I know it's unreasonable to expect on demand sex, it's not even healthy. But to want to have a 3-4 night/day whenever a week sex life isn't so crazy is it???

 

Yes we have talked about this.

 

Her response is always that some external stressor makes it impossible for her to "get in the mood" or to stay focused.

Kids

school

finances

projects

pets

ANYTHING in my opinion, takes her out of the mood.

 

I try to be understanding. I don't want to constantly hound her about it. But her response doesn't leave any room for anything other than her point of view alone. So basicly she says NOTHING I can do will help.

Well if I can't help, and I can't complain, what can I do???

 

I will not be a celibate husband. I enjoy sex too much. I want it to be a part of my life. I want it to be a constant, and fun part of my life.

She is a wonderful woman, and I love her deeply, but I have also learned at least ONE thing.

 

There is someone out there, just as wonderful as her, that ALSO enjoys sex as much as I do. I have female friends I have known since highschool and college who have sex drives closer to mine. And they are always complaining that their husbands are the fuddy duddy in the relationship.

So if I know them, and they are great, and like sex as much as I do, then surely I can find someone who is running at my level.

 

I am starting to get resentful that we are planning all of this wedding stuff 10 months in advance but we can't plan for two or three nights a week to have sex....

 

 

So here is my question.

 

Is it selfish to end a great relationship because there isn't enough sex???

 

Does that really make me a giant jerk?

 

My friends say I would be an idiot to break up with her.

My family says I would be an idiot to break up with her.

I worry that it would be a huge mistake to break up with her.

I KNOW it would hurt massively, both myself and my kids if we split up.

 

But I DON'T WANT TO BE CELIBATE!!! lol I DO NOT WANT A SEXLESS RELATIONSHIP!!! I can't take that. I won't.

 

So where does that leave me???

 

Within the last few months she started making the comments about "Not wanting to be a permanent girlfriend.

It's embarassing to explain to teachers and doctors that I'm Just the girlfriend.

People treat me different when they find out we aren't married."

 

I see that as "We are getting married, or I am going to leave".

 

Is it fair to say, "We have more sex, or we aren't getting married"???

 

Please give your opinions and Thanks for reading.

[Denamarie]

see a sex therapist

 

I have a friend like this as well. I feel so bad for her husband because she never puts out because she is just not in the mood. I sometimes wonder if she has just lost her youth...her passion for having that physical contact with someone.

 

It may also be her diet. There are certain foods that will stimulate a woman's sex drive. ummm whatelse.....

 

She could be uncomfortable in her own skin- even if she seems confident and comfortable when she talks with you, she may not be comfortable sexually.

[Sparkling]

I'm a 33 year old man. I'm divorced and have custody of my two sons.

I spent 4 years after my divorce learning to be happy with myself.

 

I started dating a woman about 3 years ago.

We lived separate for about a year until her apartment burned down.

Then she moved in. And things have been great. We set the date to get married in 2010. I have around 10 months to plan the wedding.

 

Our relationship is strong. I love her, she loves me. We are both well balanced adults cause we took the time to learn ourselves and become comfortable with ourselves.

We have a great partnership. We talk, we discuss, we plan, we see eye to eye on parenting. When we differ we work it out. We have alot in common and we also have significant differences that intrigue each other so we appreciate each other on multiple levels.

 

The only problem we have is sex.

I have a high sex drive, she doesn't.

She wants 5 minute quickies.

I want hours long petting making out leading up to sex sessions.

 

Our lives are busy, but not that busy. We have 2-3 hours 4-5 nights a week where we "chill" and read or do our hobbies or just sit and drink wine and talk.

So we have time to spend together the way I want.

 

I get more interested in sex when I have emotions invested in the relationship. So I want her all the time. I know it's unreasonable to expect on demand sex, it's not even healthy. But to want to have a 3-4 night/day whenever a week sex life isn't so crazy is it???

 

Yes we have talked about this.

 

Her response is always that some external stressor makes it impossible for her to "get in the mood" or to stay focused.

Kids

school

finances

projects

pets

ANYTHING in my opinion, takes her out of the mood.

 

I try to be understanding. I don't want to constantly hound her about it. But her response doesn't leave any room for anything other than her point of view alone. So basicly she says NOTHING I can do will help.

Well if I can't help, and I can't complain, what can I do???

 

I will not be a celibate husband. I enjoy sex too much. I want it to be a part of my life. I want it to be a constant, and fun part of my life.

She is a wonderful woman, and I love her deeply, but I have also learned at least ONE thing.

 

There is someone out there, just as wonderful as her, that ALSO enjoys sex as much as I do. I have female friends I have known since highschool and college who have sex drives closer to mine. And they are always complaining that their husbands are the fuddy duddy in the relationship.

So if I know them, and they are great, and like sex as much as I do, then surely I can find someone who is running at my level.

 

I am starting to get resentful that we are planning all of this wedding stuff 10 months in advance but we can't plan for two or three nights a week to have sex....

 

 

So here is my question.

 

Is it selfish to end a great relationship because there isn't enough sex???

 

Does that really make me a giant jerk?

 

My friends say I would be an idiot to break up with her.

My family says I would be an idiot to break up with her.

I worry that it would be a huge mistake to break up with her.

I KNOW it would hurt massively, both myself and my kids if we split up.

 

But I DON'T WANT TO BE CELIBATE!!! lol I DO NOT WANT A SEXLESS RELATIONSHIP!!! I can't take that. I won't.

 

So where does that leave me???

 

Within the last few months she started making the comments about "Not wanting to be a permanent girlfriend.

It's embarassing to explain to teachers and doctors that I'm Just the girlfriend.

People treat me different when they find out we aren't married."

 

I see that as "We are getting married, or I am going to leave".

 

Is it fair to say, "We have more sex, or we aren't getting married"???

 

Please give your opinions and Thanks for reading.

 

You say you talk, discuss, work it out if you disagree, BUT... you don't. This is a big issue between you which has spread out into other areas such as moving on or not having a wedding at all. You mentioned how being married and not being a just a permanent gf is important to her, so she might have some resentments of her own gnawing away at her. I would tell her what you said here and how it is important to you just as being married is important to her. You deserve to know BEFORE you get married.

 

Here are some suggestions which may not apply to you but I will throw them out there.

 

Some men think they have all the right moves and caresses during sex but they don't. If you haven't, make sure you check with her to see what she likes, what feels good to her and also what she doesn't enjoy.

 

Do things to entice her without the expectation of sex... make sex something she wants to do and not a job she has to do to please you. Draw a bubble bath and have candles lit or wine to drink...and leave her to soak in it alone. Massage her without getting sexual....get her relaxed and leave her alone. Cuddle without groping or grabbing, snuggle without groping or grabbing. Wait until she reaches for you so she has some choice in the timing.

 

Kids take a lot of your energy during the day and sometimes up until the late evenings or all night long. Sitting and being quiet at the end of the day is sometimes all the energy you have left in you and often the only truly calm, peaceful moment of the day. It may sound strange but if she is tired and you start to kiss on her or grab on her, she is probably getting tense because to her it feels like you don't care about her needs and you just want her to satisfy your own. I guess I am saying it may seem to her that you are wanting it for yourself and not for her.

 

You said you don't want to constantly hound her about it, which means you hound her about it a lot. Like I said, if you make it a job she has to do you are taking the fun and excitement right out of it and making her less likely to want to do it. Nobody wants to be pressured to perform.

 

Sex is part of a well-rounded marriage, and if you aren't happy about the way things are your resentment will only grow worse over time.

[Calendula]

If this is an issue now, it will be an even bigger issue after you get married and could lead to even bigger problems that will cause whatever else you have with her to fall apart, given time.

 

Like the first poster, I would also advise going to see a sex therapist. With a wedding still 10 months off, I don't think it would be unreasonable for you to make it a requirement to seek counseling on this issue before you two continue your wedding plans.

 

While she gives you all these mundane reasons for why she might not be in the mood, what are the chances that there is actually something else from her past that has completely turned her off to having sex on a regular basis? I don't think that wanting sex at least once a week is unreasonable, and the length of time that she's been giving you excuses makes me think that there is more to it than just the excuses. A sex therapist could help you and her figure out what this might be. It could be something really big, like sexual abuse in her past or a medical or physical problem, or it could be something really small like her simply not having enough sexual self-awareness to know what she likes and be able to communicate it to you effectively. Perhaps all she needs is to find some way of clearing her mind of all those external stressors; her response to such external stressors, after all, is only in her mind. Either way, if the problem isn't addressed and resolved, it isn't going to go away. The fact that you've gotten to the point where you are seeking perspective on an online forum after being with her for three years, already tells me that the problem is a growing one, especially for you.

 

Try a therapist, see where it takes you, see what issues come up. I don't think you're being ridiculous. If you can get her to understand how much of an issue this is for you, perhaps you can come to mutually satisfactory resolution, even if it is something unconventional such as you staying with her and even marrying her, but openly finding another woman to satisify your sex drive. I know it would be frowned upon by most of society, but who cares what society thinks. If it works for you and both women involved, that is all that should really matter. It might be an interesting and tricky dynamic to manage, but doing it openly now may avert potential problems in the future, such as accusations of 'cheating,' etc.

 

Resentment is an insidious thing that can destroy a relationship just as quickly as anything else. Despite how crazy everyone else in your life may think you are for doing it, if this is as big a problem as it seems for you, I would say that it would be better to end things neatly sooner rather than messily later, after everything else good you have with her has been destroyed. Ultimately, it is your choice, and your feelings are what matter in this (not the feelings of the rest of your family or your friends). You only have to put up with what you are willing to tolerate, and you get to choose what you will tolerate.

[silverplanets]

I was in your position and got married ... BIGGEST mistake of my life ...

 

Being honest that a relationship is not satisfying your needs is not wrong .. it's being assertive and looking after your self and your kids (think how your role as a father will suffer as you become more and more frustrated and isolated)

 

At the very least you definately need to talk about it with her .. in detail ... and if she offers to change then you need to understand that she might say anything now with the marriage booked ...

 

I hope it works out for you ....

[TaraMaiden]

I have to say, 3/4 times a week seems excessive to me, and I have an ok sex drive...if she doesn't, then 3/4 times a week to her, is going to be a nightmare.

 

There is no 'normal' sex drive. if couples enjoy twice a month, and are fine with that, then that is as normal a a couple who likes it twice a day....

 

The only problem arises, when there is a disparity in the sex desires...

 

When the sex is wonderful, it's 5% of the relationship.

When the sex isn't wonderful, it's 95% of the relationship.

 

Sort it now, or as others have said, it will only get worse and become the big issue that dirives you apart.

[Calendula]

Sorry for bringing this thread back up to the top. After posting, I realized that the thread was a month old and the OP hasn't posted since. I do hope he comes back to read the advice that has been left for him, but if he doesn't, perhaps someone else can benefit. Either way, just thought I would add this note in case anyone else misses the OP date.