I feel like a terrible person, because tonight I wished my father...

[always_searching]

...dead.

 

Granted, it was only for a moment, but I did. I searched for him online, and I wished that I would find an obituary.

 

It's been ten years. I thought I forgave him. I am a Christian--that's what I'm supposed to do. Just because he caused terrible harm to myself, my mother, his various other wives, and two daughters whom I've never met, doesn't mean I'm supposed to wish him ill.

 

But I did.

 

I didn't necessarily wish he were dead because I want him to no longer exist--quite the contrary. I want him to have an eternal existence that is JUST, and for him to be judged for all the evils he has commited--I wished him dead, because clearly justice doesn't happen here on earth. It's f-ed up that people like him get to go on living contented, quaint little lives--people who just screw other people over, leaving lives in ruin, just to have a smug little existence billowing in sadistic amusement at the pain they've caused.

 

SCREW HIM and others like him!

 

I don't forgive him--he's a dick who helped to scar my life in the worst of ways. I hope he and the terrible woman he's married to ROT in all the misfortunes that they've caused others!

 

Retribution. That's what I want: RETRIBUTION!

Edited December 8, 2009 by always_searching

[Angel1111]

I seriously doubt that he's as content as you think he is. People don't plow all over people all their lives and not feel the repercusions from that. It's my guess that he's incredibly miserable because life actually does balance things out.

 

What did your father do to you to make you hate him so much?

[bentnotbroken]

For years I felt just like you. I wanted my father to die as result of his drinking. Either walk out into the path of a truck or drive off the road into the river. The hell he created for me and our family was so bad:mad: Each of his children at some point had to come to blows with him. I hated him. I dreamed of ways to kill him, so did my brother. I carried that crap into my adult relationships.

 

Then he stopped drinking (cold turkey) he said the Holy Spirit came to him and told him he needed to change because he didn't have as much time as he wanted. He did. He apologized for what he did to us and he became a friend. We had so precious few years after that till we lost him.

 

I am also a Christian. I believe forgiveness is a process. It is like grieving. You have to go to stages to get where you need to be. One thing that I found out with forgiving him, was what releasing the past which I could not change and working on my future did for me. He allowed more energy to take care of my wounds, my children and breaking the cycle of what had happened.

 

I know it won't be easy but give it some time. Keep praying. Joyce Meyer has some great stuff on forgiveness. She was molested by her father and she eventually forgave him and helped him to find God before his death. The nuisances of your situation are different but forgiveness is healing for all of us.

[always_searching]

Thank you both for replying. I have to say: as much as he hurt me, looking back on this post, it was wrong of me to think so ill of him. I regret writing it, and I'm not one who normally regrets things.

 

I was angry and hurt--I still am to an extent. However, it's time to let the past go. What is done is done--no reason to dwell on it. Plus, I just found out that my dad is dying of lung/throat/oral cancer. He's doing radiation and chemo, but is apparently in pretty bad shape.

 

I suppose one ought to be careful what he/she wishes for...

[threebyfate]

As they say, what goes around, comes around. He's now paying the price so hopefully, you can let this go.

 

Don't feel obligated to ease his final time on this Earth. You can and should forgive but that doesn't mean you have to be there for him.

[always_searching]

As they say, what goes around, comes around. He's now paying the price so hopefully, you can let this go.

 

Don't feel obligated to ease his final time on this Earth. You can and should forgive but that doesn't mean you have to be there for him.

 

Sadly, if he called me and asked me to be there for him and to help care for him: I would do it. I would drop everything like a dope and go to Florida.

 

Actually, I kind of wish that he would. After all the anger I've felt, I would be glad to do it--it would be a means for me to redeem myself, and I feel that it is my duty as a daughter. However, I doubt that he will--he would be too ashamed, I would think.

[threebyfate]

Sadly, if he called me and asked me to be there for him and to help care for him: I would do it. I would drop everything like a dope and go to Florida.

 

Actually, I kind of wish that he would. After all the anger I've felt, I would be glad to do it--it would be a means for me to redeem myself, and I feel that it is my duty as a daughter. However, I doubt that he will--he would be too ashamed, I would think.

Don't do this to yourself, in that taking the stance of redemption, means you're still trying to earn his love. He forfeited your love by solely being your biological father, rather than being your heart father.

 

Step back from him. He's on his own, by his own making. Save your love and compassion for someone more worthy.

[Sharla]

I have to agree with the others. My dad was not the best "dad" growing up, but he's changed a lot and I would honestly be lost without him now. It took a lot of mending on both our parts, but I'm so glad we did, because anytime I'm scared or upset, he's one of the first people I think of.