already separated, but what now?

[physica]

Hi all, this is my first time to post here in LS.

 

My story:

 

I have been married more than 6 years, had been dating 3.5 years prior to the M. My H is a kind, good man and was brought up in a nice family and in the beginning gave me much stability and security. I had a very difficult childhood: physically abusive irresponsible cheating father, emotionally abusive mother, and other traumatic violent experiences.

 

Since 6 months ago, I developed a feeling towards OM and though I tried to brush it aside, it would not go. I find myself changing a lot, I was too much happier, more confident and felt I wanted to be a better person - with or without OM. In the times I was with my H, I felt that I was depressed and gave in to addictions (internet, entertainment news, etc).

 

Around 3 months ago, lines have been crossed and I and OM found ourselves kissing, almost had sex but circumstances did not allow it. We enjoy each other company so much. After going yo-yo about it (NC broken many times) and thinking hard about the status of my marriage, I decided to separate from my husband for good. I am not in a commited relationship with OM right now, I also asked to be NC with him (also in yo-yo) because I don't feel like getting into something serious for now.

 

It has been 2 weeks since my M ended, and due to our present situation - we are expats in a foreign land, H just ended his work contract and stays at home - we are still living in the same house. My family was informed and so some of our close common friends about our situation.

 

Before my marriage, I already had doubts about marrying H because I did not feel that I was in love with him anymore. But I thought well that was just the 'settling' feeling. I find myself drifting farther and farther away from him, and 6 years down the road I decided to let go of him and put a finality of our M.

 

H is devastated of course, and I feel so guilty. He's moving out as soon as he gets a new job or when he decided it's time to go. Any thoughts on this matter?

[floridapad]

I'm not sure what you are hoping to hear. You had an affair! Based upon your past I would definately do some individual counseling. The addictions (entertainment, internet etc.) as you call them may be a sign of boredom and perhaps you are attributing your boredom/unhappiness to not having "feelings" of being "in love". Now you meet OM, the hormone rush chemical reactions of "new" love in the brain wake something up and you see the sun a little brighter the birds chirp a bit more beuatifully you are awakened. Now you KNOW that you were unhappy in your M because you were not "in love" with him. GROW UP!!!!! You have ALOT to learn about yourself and love. You need to make yourself happy. Real hobbies, get nice girl friends, do healthy positive things to cut the boredom. Try to understand what true love in a long term relationship is and GROW UP!!

 

You have a man that loves you, provides the emotional security you always wanted but never got because of your childhood. Now you have a connection with an OM (which creates wonderful chemical reactions in the brain) and all of the sudden you are alive again???? DUH!!! What happens when that begins to subside. Will you look for it somewhere else or will you look back and say OMG WTF I lost a good man that loved me for me and he is GONE.. GROW UP

[physica]

Thank you floridapad. Yes, I had an affair. I am going to do some individual counselling. You're right, I am actually confused now. My H is devastated but is otherwise moving on.

 

And he said, "Should you decide to go back to me, you have to have to WANT to reconcile with me, not because you pity me or you just feel guilty". But at this moment, I DON'T really WANT to.

 

At the beginning stage of this affair, I informed my H about it and he forgave me, then I kept pushing the boundaries again and then there is D-Day 2. I felt our M has only little hope and right now I don't have the desire to work on it, too much history of incompatibility and sorts, that is why I felt it was right to break up with him. We have communication problem as well.

 

After we broke up, he discovered more lies and had also become abusive: verbally (name calling, etc.) and physically (he hit me once and is always making me nervous with threats to the OM - we are co-workers) in this period. He must be paranoid because I have been telling lies.

 

I guess there is no looking back..... I want to move on. Yes, get real hobbies and things like that.

 

OM is hovering around since I broke up with H and hoping to pursue a real R.

Edited December 8, 2009 by physica

[floridapad]

Of course you do not want to work on it. How can you? You are "in love" with an OM plus you see your situation as completely hopeless. Hmmm. what would a person chose, to run to an OM or try to do the hard part and work through things with the H. Well if your a runner then you will run. Dump the OM. A man who wants a relationship with someone he had an affair with is not a good person despite how good they may make you feel right now. This is an opportunity for you to resolve some of your internal issues. Running off to the OM will not resolve ANY of your internal issues. If you want to seperate then seperate but stay away from the OM.

 

As far as the verbal "abuse" goes it can be farely common the beginning as someone releases their anger. You have severely traumatized him. After I discovered my W's affair I vented on her and unleashed my fury verbally. She took it because she knew she deserved it for what she did, but everytime I did it I felt like sh*t after I vented. Eventually I realized it hurt me to vent because it hurt her and I settled down and stopped completely. Was he always abusive the way he is after the affair??

 

As far as physical abuse this is not normal and not acceptable.

[tojaz]

Physica, Welcome to LS. I think it best to warn you that some of the posts on your thread are probably going to be very negative. This board is mostly made up of those left behind and hurt by affairs.

 

That being said, I'm glad you decided to post, it is very rare to get the other side of the story, so i hope you continue and we will help you through this however we can.

 

So Physica what is it your looking for? There is not many details in your story describing the incompatabilites your where struggling with. Theres a lot of knowledge here but we need the details in order to help.

 

Lastly I believe your H has a right to be upset and angry in this, we all are, but he has no right to physically abuse you! Be safe if that becomes a concern.

 

Keep Posting

TOJAZ

[physica]

Thanks TOJAZ for your reply. I have been lurking in your threads for a few days now and I have gained some valuable insights from your posts.

 

First of all, I may have been exaggerating a bit when I said he abused me physically.

 

No, my husband was never abusive in any way before the affair. He is a fair and kind man, selfless innocent soul. Although he had shown a very minor rage problem - when his patience of my stubborness/stupidity/craziness runs out - that's the only time he shows tough love. Otherwise, he always just wants to please me and give in to what I want. So yes, I am a bit controlling and perhaps maybe emotionally abusive to him (doing guilt trips, etc).

 

My reason for splitting up with him is because I betrayed his trust AGAIN and have been seeing OM behind his back after DDay1, and I knew it was wrong, but like many people in A, I could not just stop my addiction. And I just needed to see OM even just for friendly chats, around hallways, coffee corner, etc at the workplace. So at this point, after a lot of thinking, I felt I don't want to go fighting for the marriage anymore. I was thinking of really going alone. But also the prospect of doing the-million-fun-things-we-can do-together-it-does not-matter-where things with OM is very tempting. Then maybe when the affair fog clears and the "in love" feeling is gone, I would still go ALONE afterwards. So I am a scheming manipulative calculating bitch.

 

The hitting (actually slapping and shoving) happens in my workplace at night just last week - a week after we decided to separate. I promised that I would be NC with OM while we're still staying under the same roof while preparing for our physical separation. The thought of me with the OM just drives him mad. When he went to pick me up at my workplace to surprise me, he saw OM outside the building entrance and the sight of OM infuriates him so so much he wanted to get even. And it seemed to appear to him that OM was also working overtime just so we could be together alone in the workplace (circumstantial evidence). It seemed like I was kind of caught in the act of being with OM (not true, I was in my office and locked my door). He did not know that there were also other people in the building sharing same office as OM and that NC was actually in place. I've lied to him so many times - so talk about the boy who cried wolf. He was really really enraged, that when I opened the entrance door - he slapped me and shoved me and motioned to run to OM's office upstairs with the intention of physically hurting him in this fit of rage. Luckily I managed to stop him and locked him out of the building.

 

I drove my H mad. I am sorry for this and that's also one of the reasons why letting go of him is best at this time. Yes, I am a runner. I don't like confrontation and just want to escape from all of this. But I also believe that I have to face my own demons and deal with it and go through the process of healing and self-actualization.

 

For the record, I already 'dumped' OM and told him I dont care if it hurts him that I won't talk to him (ours is mostly an EA, no sex yet). Well I was not giving him any hope in the first place anyway. I knew that in most cases, AP would not make a good lifetime partner.

 

I don't have very specific questions to ask right now, perhaps I am soliciting different views or opinions on these matters and so I could look at the bigger scheme of things and take whatever life's lessons thrown my way.

 

Thank you in advance for your thoughts.

Edited December 9, 2009 by physica

[2.50 a gallon]

What put you on this path of self destruction?

 

You are callously teasing two men, your H and the OM. You have an A with the OM, then flaunt it before your husband. You give the OM the impressions he might be able to have an R with you (sex) and shut him down. You sound as if you are playing a game.

 

As you put it, you kept pushing the boundries. "The thought of me with the OM drives him mad." Your H is making threats against you and the OM. He is enraged because you keep lieing to him

 

You don't care that you hurt the OM

 

You are playing with the reptilian part of the brain of the male animal. The threats are real. People in their shoes can and do get out of control, people are get physically hurt, sometimes murdered. Teasers have been known to get raped, and worse.

 

Have you told all of this story to your C?

 

Is this for real?

 

If you are not a troll, please tell your C all of the details and how you are playing these men, before you get seriously hurt

Edited December 9, 2009 by 2.50 a gallon

[2.50 a gallon]

What put you on this path of self destruction?

 

You are callously teasing two men, your H and the OM. You have an A with the OM, then flaunt it before your husband. You give the OM the impressions he might be able to have an R with you (sex) and shut him down. You sound as if you are playing a game.

 

As you put it, you kept pushing the boundries. "The thought of me with the OM drives him mad." Your H is making threats against the you and the OM. He is enraged because you keep lieing to him

 

You don't care that you hurt the OM

 

You are playing with the reptilian part of the brain of the male animal. The threats are real. People in their shoes can and do get out of control, people are get physically hurt, sometimes murdered. Teasers have been known to get raped, and worse.

 

Have you told all of this story to your C?

 

Is this for real?

 

If you are not a troll, please tell your C all of the details and how you are playing these men, before you get seriously hurt

[physica]

Hi 2.50 a gallon! Thank you very much for that very honest remark. This is really self-destruction and I am trying to figure out why. I am losing self-control.

 

I had one time IC after dday1 but the C was not very serious (company provided) so I didn't bother making a second appointment. So now I requested for another one. This afternoon I am going to the second C, but I don't have high hopes on this one (again company provided). So if I don't feel comfortable with her, then I will ask her to refer me to other private counselling center.

 

Honestly, I am so scared of myself. I just have to be strong. I am on my own now.

[tojaz]

Thanks TOJAZ for your reply. I have been lurking in your threads for a few days now and I have gained some valuable insights from your posts.

Thank you!

 

First of all, I may have been exaggerating a bit when I said he abused me physically.

 

No, my husband was never abusive in any way before the affair. He is a fair and kind man, selfless innocent soul. Although he had shown a very minor rage problem - when his patience of my stubborness/stupidity/craziness runs out - that's the only time he shows tough love. Otherwise, he always just wants to please me and give in to what I want. So yes, I am a bit controlling and perhaps maybe emotionally abusive to him (doing guilt trips, etc).

Emotional abuse by its strictest definiton (there are a lot of folks here that will fight this with me) implies a deliperate attempt to cause harm. You have admitted things you have done poorly in relation to him and I'm sure he has done the same pre affair.

 

My reason for splitting up with him is because I betrayed his trust AGAIN and have been seeing OM behind his back after DDay1, and I knew it was wrong, but like many people in A, I could not just stop my addiction. And I just needed to see OM even just for friendly chats, around hallways, coffee corner, etc at the workplace. So at this point, after a lot of thinking, I felt I don't want to go fighting for the marriage anymore. I was thinking of really going alone. But also the prospect of doing the-million-fun-things-we-can do-together-it-does not-matter-where things with OM is very tempting. Then maybe when the affair fog clears and the "in love" feeling is gone, I would still go ALONE afterwards. So I am a scheming manipulative calculating bitch.

OK, I get that, but because you found yourself attracted to another is the only reason? Was there a breakdown that drove you to the EA or is the EA the catalyst for all this? If it is and you want to regain control, you need to cut out your OM addiction completely! My exwife had an EA very similar it sounds like. She as well found it impossible to break the addiction and in the end I lost her to it. SHortly there after OM is out of the picture as well. There is a lot of damage being done for something you yourself has described as being wrong.

 

The hitting (actually slapping and shoving) happens in my workplace at night just last week - a week after we decided to separate. I promised that I would be NC with OM while we're still staying under the same roof while preparing for our physical separation. The thought of me with the OM just drives him mad. When he went to pick me up at my workplace to surprise me, he saw OM outside the building entrance and the sight of OM infuriates him so so much he wanted to get even. And it seemed to appear to him that OM was also working overtime just so we could be together alone in the workplace (circumstantial evidence). It seemed like I was kind of caught in the act of being with OM (not true, I was in my office and locked my door). He did not know that there were also other people in the building sharing same office as OM and that NC was actually in place. I've lied to him so many times - so talk about the boy who cried wolf. He was really really enraged, that when I opened the entrance door - he slapped me and shoved me and motioned to run to OM's office upstairs with the intention of physically hurting him in this fit of rage. Luckily I managed to stop him and locked him out of the building.

Well slapping IS a form of physical abuse, so don't think that this was OK. That being said, I have felt the rage that an OM can bring on and did act out rather harshly. Kicked a hole in the side of my car, broke things I was a mess watching this guy destroy my marriage and seeing my wife who I had always been able to trust lie to me to spend time with him. To be fair I did not do half as much as I would have liked to! Had the occasion to come toe to toe with him while she looked on and she was concerned about HIS safety. I let my self control prevail, but barely, driving home I noticed my hands where bleeding, I had clenched my fists so tightly my fingernails had cut my palms open. Not much that hurts a man more then being betrayed by the one he loves especialy repeatedly, even if it was just an EA because a lot of times that is worse!

 

I drove my H mad. I am sorry for this and that's also one of the reasons why letting go of him is best at this time. Yes, I am a runner. I don't like confrontation and just want to escape from all of this. But I also believe that I have to face my own demons and deal with it and go through the process of healing and self-actualization.

 

For the record, I already 'dumped' OM and told him I dont care if it hurts him that I won't talk to him (ours is mostly an EA, no sex yet). Well I was not giving him any hope in the first place anyway. I knew that in most cases, AP would not make a good lifetime partner.

 

I don't have very specific questions to ask right now, perhaps I am soliciting different views or opinions on these matters and so I could look at the bigger scheme of things and take whatever life's lessons thrown my way.

 

Thank you in advance for your thoughts.

 

My take is this, for whatever reason you fell into an EA with this guy. You gave it so much weight that you allowed that to happen that you define that as the breakdown and feel you have to split. My question to you as you describe your husband in such a loving way here, do you want to save your marriage? Does your H?

TOJAZ

[physica]

Dump the OM. A man who wants a relationship with someone he had an affair with is not a good person despite how good they may make you feel right now.

 

I just have a question, is it always the case that OM is "not a good person"? What if he also struggles with his feelings? And that he only responds if I initiate contact and always respects my wishes everytime I asked for NC.

 

I find it hard to let go of OM, but I have to. I want to do some reflections on what have happened to my 30 years of existence, just alone. ALONE. Good luck to me.

[floridapad]

IMHO It is not always the case that the OM is not a good person (although in the moment they are not a good person). People do make mistakes just as you have. But....The OM overstepped your marital boundaries and had no respect for you or the instituion of your vows to your H. Extraordinarily selfish. You may say "but he loves me". Well guess what. He lusts for you. He is waiting around hoping you leave your marriage. If he were a "good" person he would respect you and move on.

Yes you did the same thing as him regarding infidelity. But the real question you might want to ask yourself is how can I overcome my mistakes, repair the damage I have done to my H and to myself?. As they say it's not the mistakes that define us but how we overcome them. You have caused an enormous amount of pain to someone, but the real kicker is down the road when the light buld goes off in your head you will say WTF did I do? and your sense of self worth will go spiraling (if it hasn't already). Running to the OM will only make you feel good NOW. You mentioned you had a tough childhood which always results in self esteem issues or sense of self worth. By you running to an OM and not truly trying to repair the damage you did with the H, your sense of self worth will spiral even further. Don't focus on the the Ahole OM. Focus on teh pain you caused your H and try to repair the damage. Everytime you look at the OM or think of the OM try to remind yourself how selfish you were and how much pain you caused and vow to yourself that you are going to do whatever it takes to repair your msitakes.

 

Your H loves you and still wants to make things work. You are in a very fortunate position beleive it or not. You have the ability to right your wrongs and get some of that sense of self worth back. Being alone is a cop out. Being with the OM is horrible. How can you recover from your mistake so that it doesn't define you. That is the question you should be asking. And BTW if you think you didn't make a mistake by absolutely CRUSHING your H then yes you are not a good person. Sorry!!

[trippi1432]

I just have a question, is it always the case that OM is "not a good person"? What if he also struggles with his feelings? And that he only responds if I initiate contact and always respects my wishes everytime I asked for NC.

 

I find it hard to let go of OM, but I have to. I want to do some reflections on what have happened to my 30 years of existence, just alone. ALONE. Good luck to me.

 

Hello physica - Someone told me about your thread, and after reading it, I can't help to comment on it. Yes, you may find some negativity here, but also a dose of realism.

 

Your story hit close to home as my STBXH has been doing to me exactly what you are doing to your husband for about three weeks now. We are now legally separated and will be divorced in about 10 months...and honestly, after giving him 15 years of my life, 10 months seems like an eternity to remain married to someone like him. My STBXH was not the "nice guy" that you seem to make your H out to be...like you he also had a troubled childhood so he always wanted to be in control but was also very irresponsible with a lot of things, including his marriage.

 

Playing both sides of the fence like you are doing right now, it's a very hurtful thing to do to anyone, especially those that have their heart or emotions involved in it. I would agree that you need to be alone for awhile to work on you, what happened (by yourself or with a counselor). You say that the OM is a "good person" and respects your NC when you ask for it....have you ever thought that just maybe he doesn't have as much invested and that it is easy for him. I mean, really...up this point, it seems that you have only shared an infatuation for him....I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't dump you once he gets what he wants....but with your "fog"....no one can convince you to see that.

[Tom81]

My wife told me 6 months ago that she wanted to be separated and a divorce and she's been moved out for 5 months. She was having an EA and I found out today from some mutual friends that during thanksgiving she said to them that she was seeing him.

 

I really don't feel sorry for the OM in your case for in my opinion I don't think he is being respectful of your marriage. He knew that you were married and pursued you and if he was a respectful, good person, he would have not done so. I believe that true in my case too...that I don't believe it's right of the OM to go after a married woman.

 

Now that doesn't take the blame off you or in my case my wife. You are still at fault as well.

 

I just wanted to chime in with my opinion on the matter and how I see the OM.

[2.50 a gallon]

The OM can be a good person. That is up to the point that he starts meddling in the MW's R with her H.

 

If he is struggling with his feelings for a MW then he has gone over the line, and must withdraw. If he does not respect that she has taken a vow of "forsaking all others" with another man, he is a low life slimeball.

 

Also be aware there are men who feed off of MW. It can be a game to them to seduce a MW.

 

After the breakup of my marriage, I had a short spell where I pursued a few married women. Married women are easy! It is like shooting fish in a barrel. If the OM was any kind of man, he would stick with pursuing single women. Simply by pursuing a MW he is showing he is less than a man, he doesn't have what it takes to date single women.

 

How long has the OM been NC? Give it time, he will find a reason to contact you

[physica]

How long has the OM been NC? Give it time, he will find a reason to contact you

 

NC is not yet fully in place. It's always been like a week and then a few days and NC is broken again, by for example just starting with casual chats around the workplace.

 

I talked with him yesterday when he said goodbye to all of his co-workers. Hopefully starting today I could start NC as he has left for a trip abroad and I will not probably see him until after New Year. But I doubt if we could really live up to that.

 

To be really honest, I really like to be with OM. But the logical side of me tells me that I have to wait a bit and let the dust settle. I am so afraid to jump to another ship for real. I am enjoying my freedom now.

 

I also have this feeling that I am starting to hate OM for contributing to this mess. But then it takes to tango, so...

 

I still live under the same roof as my stbxH so I see how much pain he is going through. I also feel so much pain for him and wanna be there for him. Oh the high price to pay for my infidelity.

 

But right now, I could not be more sure of my decision to have ended the M.

 

Thanks to all for your replies.

Edited December 10, 2009 by physica

[physica]

My take is this, for whatever reason you fell into an EA with this guy. You gave it so much weight that you allowed that to happen that you define that as the breakdown and feel you have to split. My question to you as you describe your husband in such a loving way here, do you want to save your marriage? Does your H?

TOJAZ

 

I do not really want to save my marriage at this point. My H said he is not closing his doors on me.

[physica]

You say that the OM is a "good person" and respects your NC when you ask for it....have you ever thought that just maybe he doesn't have as much invested and that it is easy for him. I mean, really...up this point, it seems that you have only shared an infatuation for him....I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't dump you once he gets what he wants....but with your "fog"....no one can convince you to see that.

 

I don't necessarily say that the OM is a "good person". I just wanted to point out that he also have struggles to stay away from me, like I do to him.

 

The truth is, the things that we want (NC) are not the things that we do (break NC).

 

The possibility that he will dump me is a "real and present danger". Perhaps that is also the reason that I am still a bit guarded, and do not immediately commit or put our infatuation to a higher level.

 

I want to put things on hold and give myself time so I could think clearly.

 

But then that's not necessarily what I do - as NC is not yet fully in place.

Edited December 10, 2009 by physica

[trippi1432]

I don't necessarily say that the OM is a "good person". I just wanted to point out that he also have struggles to stay away from me, like I do to him.

 

The truth is, the things that we want (NC) are not the things that we do (break NC).

 

The possibility that he will dump me is a "real and present danger". Perhaps that is also the reason that I am still a bit guarded, and do not immediately commit or put our infatuation to a higher level.

 

I want to put things on hold and give myself time so I could think clearly.

 

But then that's not necessarily what I do - as NC is not yet fully in place.

 

I think that is a worthy thing to do at this point, workplace affairs can also devastate a career...while you don't really want things to work out with your husband, you have more to lose than just that.

 

I've seen this happen so many times at my company, which is why I have a strict rule on not dating or getting involved with anyone that I work with. Sustainability is worth more than something that may or may not ever work out.

[tojaz]

I do not really want to save my marriage at this point. My H said he is not closing his doors on me.

 

Fair enough, but you see that in your entire thread, the only "problem" you have mentioned in your marriage is your continued emotional infidelity and addiction to the affair! You said yourself that you cannot stop seeing OM and are forsaking your marriage to a committed husband because of that............

 

 

.....Unless theres more to the story.

TOJAZ

[physica]

My wife told me 6 months ago that she wanted to be separated and a divorce and she's been moved out for 5 months. She was having an EA and I found out today from some mutual friends that during thanksgiving she said to them that she was seeing him.

 

How did you handle the break up? How did you cope? Did your wife told you she was in love with someone else when she asked for divorce? What was the status of your marriage at that time?

 

My H knew my struggles since the beginning of the EA and knew that I "have fallen for OM hard" (affair fog here talking).

 

However way we look at it, the two people in A disrespected the M BIG time. And are mindless, heartless and reckless in inflicting enormous pain to the BS.

 

How much fraction the APs contribute to the destruction to the M, that's something to be found out (or not bother at all).

 

I wished the circumstances were different in this split up - but that already happened, so this statement is rather futile.

 

How can we make it right? They'd say go back to M and fix it. But what if your heart is not in it? What if the split up can do a lot of good than being together?

Edited December 10, 2009 by physica

[physica]

Fair enough, but you see that in your entire thread, the only "problem" you have mentioned in your marriage is your continued emotional infidelity and addiction to the affair! You said yourself that you cannot stop seeing OM and are forsaking your marriage to a committed husband because of that............

.....Unless theres more to the story.

TOJAZ

 

The immediate reason for the break up is infidelity. If I go back and scrutinize my marriage to look for some more reasons, I can and surely I will find some fundamental M issues unresolved. Communication problem, emotional disconnection, dishonesty and some doubts, wrong reasons for M, to name a few.

 

If I look into myself I find much more.

 

And I really want to be with OM. I find an escape, a place of solitude with him. But so scared to go there as well. Will he be right for me? Surely not, otherwise he will not be an OM at all, in the first place.

 

I am at a crossroad.

 

Right now, I am making excuses, or finding exit routes.

 

There should be more to the story.

[tojaz]

How can we make it right? They'd say go back to M and fix it. But what if your heart is not in it? What if the split up can do a lot of good than being together?

 

That line just ruined my day. Ex said that to me repeatedly, of course her heart wasn't in it, she had OM firmly in place before I was ever let in on the joke. She shut off what I needed (emotional closeness) and gave it to him!

 

You asked Tom how his went, well you can read the play by play of mine right here. Like I said it is very similar except from the others eyes. Maybe a little insight of how he is seeing things.

Here are my threads.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/search.php?searchid=11973668

TOJAZ

[physica]

That line just ruined my day. Ex said that to me repeatedly, of course her heart wasn't in it, she had OM firmly in place before I was ever let in on the joke. She shut off what I needed (emotional closeness) and gave it to him!

TOJAZ

 

Same sentiment as my H. He said "You just gave up on me without letting me know.". How can a WS be more stubborn and selfish?

 

I feel and think that at this point, there is no returning to the M. A lot of things have been said and done in the course of his mess and I also shut off (my fault to begin with).

[tojaz]

Right now, I am making excuses, or finding exit routes.

 

There should be more to the story.

 

Think about how that sounds when referring to a marriage! best advice i ever got was "what ever you don't resolve in the current relationship, you will carry on to the next one!" Right now by your own words, your running from that. Regardless of the path it takes you on, I would answer these questions first. Your doing a lot of damage to your H right now, I know because i am broken and will be for awhile in some ways forever. You have every right to do what is best for you, but i think it best to not only know if it's best, but why it is. If it's just to free you to pursue the OM, what happens when you happen upon another greener pasture?

 

TOJAZ