already separated, but what now?

[2.50 a gallon]

physica

 

What is the marital status of the OM? Single / Divorced?

 

If I may give you some advice, please consider getting your divorce before proceeding any further with the OM. Do this for yourself. Not only does it help free you of some of your guilt, but also for your emotional health in future loving relationships.

 

By cheating on your spouse you have created this little file in your brain about trust in marriage. I cheated once, shows that I am capable to doing it again.

 

Lets jump ahead a few years and you do find a new man you want to marry and share you life with. But that file is still there. I was capable to cheating, how do I really know that my new man is not going to cheat on me. Do you see what I am getting at, by cheating we leave this little void in our heads when it comes to trust issues.

 

In case you are interested, I was married, and caught my wife kissing another man. Yes I was terribly hurt, but I never tried to reconcile or make the marriage work. The second I caught them, my marriage was over, and I told her to wait a couple of days for me to cool off, then we could make arrangments for her to get her things out of the apartment.

 

A week later she got her things and gave me an earful, It was all my fault, and I never loved you. The last one was strange, as she spent 2 years chasing me and trying to change me from a bad boy player into her H. She was the one who proposed to me.

 

A month later she came a knocking wanting to reconcile, with "I made a mistake" Forgive me, I have always loved you and will always love you. Give us a second chance, etc.

 

I never did divorce her, she kept up hopes of us reconciling for over 3 years.

 

What I am trying to say, is that you might feel that you never loved and do not love your H now. But there was something there that made you to decide to marry him. It might be gone now, with the newness of the feelings with the OM. But in time those feeling will change, and it is possible that you will find that you made a mistake in breaking up with your H. My XW did when she realized that I was already back to chasing other women, and she realized that she did not want to lose me to another woman.

 

For her it was too late, my trust was gone, and she finally filed about 4 years later.

Edited December 10, 2009 by 2.50 a gallon

[physica]

physica

What is the marital status of the OM? Single / Divorced?

 

He is single.

 

Thank you 2.5 a gallon for your insights. Ironic as it is, I share the same sentiment - infidelity is a deal breaker for me too. I did not have self-control and crossed the line. To forgive myself is to do the right thing. Right now, I am figuring that out. But rather difficult. My whole body is resisting.

[physica]

Think about how that sounds when referring to a marriage! best advice i ever got was "what ever you don't resolve in the current relationship, you will carry on to the next one!" Right now by your own words, your running from that. Regardless of the path it takes you on, I would answer these questions first. Your doing a lot of damage to your H right now, I know because i am broken and will be for awhile in some ways forever. You have every right to do what is best for you, but i think it best to not only know if it's best, but why it is. If it's just to free you to pursue the OM, what happens when you happen upon another greener pasture?

TOJAZ

 

Same line. My H said "he is a broken man and that he is shattered into pieces", but I am sure he is picking up and will rise above this.

 

Oh my God, what will I do? I still wanna do things for him and I wanna be there for him, but to continue with the M feels like robbing ourselves the chance of real true happiness. I really could not go on. I feel it is the right decision at the moment.

[TDFYC312]

[

Originally Posted by physica

How can we make it right? They'd say go back to M and fix it. But what if your heart is not in it? What if the split up can do a lot of good than being together?

To paraphrase from "The love Dare"

The problem with followng your heart is that you are chasing after what feels right at the moment regardless of whether it is or not. Feelings and emotions are shallow, fickle, and unreliable and fluctuate with the wind. What feels right in the height of sweet emotion often feels like a sour mistake years later. Many excuse themselves from their commitment because they do not feel "in love" Because your heart is subject to so much change and is ultimately untrustworthy it is your responsilbity to guide your heart with your head. Realize that you do have control over your heart and whether it is on the right path or the wrong path. Guard it from temptation and set it on the sight of what you ultimately know in your head is right. Staying and fighting for your M is the hardest thing to do for some. Its up to you to set your course. If there was enough love there to begin with, enough for the two of you to commit to each other, it can be found and restored with time and effort if you both want it.

[physica]

I had my first IC meeting yesterday. Just getting to know stage but I am also referred to another private counselling center. So I'll do that.

 

OM just sent an email saying he's packed and ready to go, blah blah. I replied briefly by wishing him a nice trip. No drama, nothing. It has always been that way.

 

My H brought me to work today and we are still in amicable terms. He said he's picking up where he left 9.5 years ago before we started dating. He said "you may think my life revolved around you all this time, the truth is, it's because I chose to". Another heart breaking moment.

[2.50 a gallon]

But so scared to go there as well. Will he be right for me? Surely not, otherwise he will not be an OM at all, in the first place.

 

Think about it! What are you saying here other than you already don't trust the OM and he is not right for you

 

So why are you taking yourself down this path? Are you trying to hurt yourself and all future trusting relationships. Which takes me back to my previous post that included you having future trust issues.

[physica]

I think that is a worthy thing to do at this point, workplace affairs can also devastate a career...while you don't really want things to work out with your husband, you have more to lose than just that.

 

My H has been threatening to expose the affair to our bosses, I begged him to spare me of this. He's kind enough not to pursue it any further.

 

The thing is I only have around 5 months before my work ontract ends and I will be gone after that time. But these 5 months are the most crucial ones. It could not really be of helped that OM is at work and also gave me much inspiration in this aspect.

 

So, yes, I'd give it time. That's the answer I'd give to myself for now. But when I see OM around that would be another story, not because he distracts me on what I do, but because then I am betraying myself (because my mind says I NEED to be alone and not chase that happy affair twinke in the eye feelings.)

 

I need to have that full strong-will resolve!

[2.50 a gallon]

Any man that seeks a relationship with a MW is a weakling. He does not have enough manliness to be able to compete with the other SM's for the rights to mate with a SW. Not being man enough to compete for a single woman, he wimps out and pursues an emotionally vulnerable woman who is in a troubled marriage. Real men will not respect him, and in fact despise him for being in the lowest class beta. He is not allowed to run with the lead pack and is looked down upon.

[Woggle]

Any man that seeks a relationship with a MW is a weakling. He does not have enough manliness to be able to compete with the other SM's for the rights to mate with a SW. Not being man enough to compete for a single woman, he wimps out and pursues an emotionally vulnerable woman who is in a troubled marriage. Real men will not respect him, and in fact despise him for being in the lowest class beta. He is not allowed to run with the lead pack and is looked down upon.

 

Actually MW are the easiest lays a man can find. Every player I know tell me they are the easiest to get into bed. Instead of being man at the men for sleeping with a MW why not be mad at the woman for cheating?

[tojaz]

And I really want to be with OM. I find an escape, a place of solitude with him. But so scared to go there as well. Will he be right for me? Surely not, otherwise he will not be an OM at all, in the first place.

 

I am at a crossroad.

 

Right now, I am making excuses, or finding exit routes.

There should be more to the story.

 

 

Oh my God, what will I do? I still wanna do things for him and I wanna be there for him, but to continue with the M feels like robbing ourselves the chance of real true happiness. I really could not go on. I feel it is the right decision at the moment.

 

 

OM just sent an email saying he's packed and ready to go, blah blah. I replied briefly by wishing him a nice trip. No drama, nothing. It has always been that way.

 

My H brought me to work today and we are still in amicable terms. He said he's picking up where he left 9.5 years ago before we started dating. He said "you may think my life revolved around you all this time, the truth is, it's because I chose to". Another heart breaking moment.

 

Physica, in reading this through again, I'm seeing a trend. I think you are running (your words) from the commitment more then your H. I look at this and you describe OM as an escape over and over again, expressing the lack of drama. It is a relationship that is there when you want it and fades to the back ground when you don't while a marriage is a commitment, a place where you have to give as much as you get and not always on your schedule. The thing is, a relationship without commitment, drama or any expectations will always be empty. feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, but I think I'm on to something here that you may want to ask your counselor about.I'd like to suggest a book titled "Hes scared Shes scared" by Steve Carter & Julia Sokol that deals with this very subject.

TOJAZ

[2.50 a gallon]

Woggle

 

It is true. Unlike the singles scene, where the OM has to compete with the other SM's, the only competition that the OM with a MW has, is the H. It is like shooting fish in a barrel.

[tnttim]

Your one and only problem, and listen closely.

 

You are thinking with your heart, and feeling with your brain.

 

That's not how us humans normally do it. Start using your brain to solve lifes problems. Give your heart a break once in a while. You are defintely doing the right thing by being by yourself right now. You are the only one that solve your problems, not even a MC can make you change. I would also live on your own for a while, truley alone, no men. This will give you some self worth, and self esteem. You define yourself by what a man thinks, that's bad. You will continue to jump from man to man if you don't fix that flaw in your character. Lastly, in every single realtionship, love comes, and love goes. Love is a chemical reaction, like doing cocaine, and it lasts 1-2 years. You haven't noticed this 1 to 2 year cycle in your life?

[ADF]

OP, what strikes me about your story is the nimble way you evade responsibility for your own actions.

 

You always describe your actions in a passive voice. You didn't didn't cross any lines with this man; instead, you say "lines have been crossed." You didn't kiss this other man; instead, you say you "found yourselves kissing."

 

Give me a f___ing break!

 

You paint a picture of your husband as a kind, devoted man. Yet, you had an affair and left him. I think the real problem here is that you want to keep believing you are good person, even though your behavior might suggest otherwise. If you owned up to your actions and actually took responsibilities for them (imagine that!), you'd have to face the fact you're so good after all.

[LisaUk]

OP, what strikes me about your story is the nimble way you evade responsibility for your own actions.

 

You always describe your actions in a passive voice. You didn't didn't cross any lines with this man; instead, you say "lines have been crossed." You didn't kiss this other man; instead, you say you "found yourselves kissing."

 

Give me a f___ing break!

 

You paint a picture of your husband as a kind, devoted man. Yet, you had an affair and left him. I think the real problem here is that you want to keep believing you are good person, even though your behavior might suggest otherwise. If you owned up to your actions and actually took responsibilities for them (imagine that!), you'd have to face the fact you're so good after all.

 

Well said! But I fear you are wasting your breath. I have avoided posting on this thread b/c firstly I will upset her with my words and secondly this women is not here trying to find solutions to her marriage problems, she says "I don't want to work on my marriage, it's the right decision", she's here b/c she is looking for validation for what she has done. Yet she does not question why she needs that validation. If she were truely at peace with her decision, she wouldn't be here. The level of selfisheness she displays boggles my mind. Don't waste your energy trying to help someone who will not help themself by looking at themself.

 

See, that's why I didn't post before and I even bit my tongue.

Edited December 13, 2009 by LisaUk

[physica]

Well said! But I fear you are wasting your breath. I have avoided posting on this thread b/c firstly I will upset her with my words and secondly this women is not here trying to find solutions to her marriage problems, she says "I don't want to work on my marriage, it's the right decision", she's here b/c she is looking for validation for what she has done. Yet she does not question why she needs that validation. If she were truely at peace with her decision, she wouldn't be here. The level of selfisheness she displays boggles my mind. Don't waste your energy trying to help someone who will not help themself by looking at themself.

 

See, that's why I didn't post before and I even bit my tongue.

 

LisaUk, thanks for posting in this thread, despite the rather harsh but probably right on the money remark.

 

Perhaps, I need validation for my actions. But perhaps not. I am doing some thinking and have been looking at my myself more closely now.

 

So I stick to my gun to give myself time. It sucks to be in limboland but right now, I really don't have the desire to work on my marriage, that may not be right answer at this point, but that is honest, to say the least.

[physica]

The thing is, a relationship without commitment, drama or any expectations will always be empty. feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, but I think I'm on to something here that you may want to ask your counselor about.I'd like to suggest a book titled "Hes scared Shes scared" by Steve Carter & Julia Sokol that deals with this very subject.

TOJAZ

 

hi tojaz, thanks for your insights on this. my initial question when i decided to go on my first IC session was why did i loose commitment? why did i run from my responsibilities? those are left yet unanswered.

 

have been NC with OM for 3 days now, and i still live with my H in the same house and spent a lot of time together. in both cases, the reasons are circumstantial.

 

it's been a rollercoaster ride.

[physica]

Lastly, in every single realtionship, love comes, and love goes. Love is a chemical reaction, like doing cocaine, and it lasts 1-2 years. You haven't noticed this 1 to 2 year cycle in your life?

 

thanks tnttim.

 

affair fog perhaps talking here: when i look back, i could not remember really falling deeply in love with my H at the beginning. it was rather a 'settling feeling' after dating a month or two. i remember though it started as a physical relationship and our communication did not pick up... accurate recollection or not, not rewriting marriage history here. it seems all this time i was searching for answers... for questions i have yet to formulate?

 

my posts are very incoherent at this point. i am rather confused again.

[physica]

Woggle

 

It is true. Unlike the singles scene, where the OM has to compete with the other SM's, the only competition that the OM with a MW has, is the H. It is like shooting fish in a barrel.

 

 

I am really now starting to hate OMs!

[physica]

You always describe your actions in a passive voice. You didn't didn't cross any lines with this man; instead, you say "lines have been crossed." You didn't kiss this other man; instead, you say you "found yourselves kissing."

 

If you owned up to your actions and actually took responsibilities for them (imagine that!), you'd have to face the fact you're so good after all.

 

thanks adf, good point there.

 

i have been talking with H again and to some of our closest common friends. i actually own up to my indiscretions. they want an honest answer, i gave them honest answer. and in passive way saying, yes, i would like to be with OM. Damn OMs. Damn MW. Damn As!

[physica]

Any man that seeks a relationship with a MW is a weakling.

 

what is it about me, am i starting to defog?

hayyy...

[tnttim]

The OM is doing a great job of luring you in. He's doing the rubber band, when you pull away, he pulls away. It then draws you 2 together. You pull away again and he does the same, boom your back again. Your H needs to start doing that if he hopes to get you back.

[tojaz]

The excitement, newness, and butterflies of OM and the affair will always seem better in comparison to the same old same old. Thats what creats the affair fog in the first place! The reality to think about is that any man that would pursue a relationship with a married woman has no respect for any type of long term commitment or future(maybe what seems so attractive to you right now, the safety of zero commitment=zero drama).

 

You say you "really want to be with OM" what happens when A.fog lifts and too much damage has been done to your marriage for you to return or B. fog lifts and your in love with OM but he withdraws to avoid commitment. Neither is a given, but both are very possible and likely outcomes

 

You speak quite highly of your H and have stated that the issue with the breakup has mainly been the Affair. Wouldn't you want to be sure your marriage is over "fog free" before pulling the plug? If not for you then for the sanity of your H that you seem to still at least respect?

 

I speak a little harshly due to my own experiences. My ex only gave me about a week of honest working on the marriage before she decided to cut bait and move on, it took me a month just to get my head right enough tosee things clearly, let alone deal with any deep emotional issueds....panic!

TOJAZ

Edited December 14, 2009 by tojaz

[physica]

You say you "really want to be with OM" what happens when A.fog lifts and too much damage has been done to your marriage for you to return or B. fog lifts and your in love with OM but he withdraws to avoid commitment. Neither is a given, but both are very possible and likely outcomes

 

At first glance, without thinking:

If A. happens then I would still have to go alone.

If B. happens then I move on and go alone.

 

I am fighting very hard to stay NC with OM for now, so I could do some reflections about my life so far, clearly. Perhaps NC with H is also necessary. So I would really have time alone.

 

You speak quite highly of your H and have stated that the issue with the breakup has mainly been the Affair. Wouldn't you want to be sure your marriage is over "fog free" before pulling the plug? If not for you then for the sanity of your H that you seem to still at least respect?

 

I would like to be "fog free", who wouldn't. I realized and also learned that people in A would like to believe their case is unique, that there is more to it, that the A is so special, it can turn to a real R or to an eventual M. I am not in that kind of illusion and though emotional, I am still in a way realistic.

 

It is just at present I think that my marriage has reached its finality. If ever we do reconcile in the future (provided my H wants me back), we really would need to start from scratch.

 

Sometimes things happen for a reason. I am now facing a personal crisis and these are issues I really have to deal with, head on. I am taking responsibility of my life and trying to find answers to lingering questions.

 

What a ride!

[physica]

You have every right to do what is best for you, but i think it best to not only know if it's best, but why it is. If it's just to free you to pursue the OM, what happens when you happen upon another greener pasture?

TOJAZ

 

I think the immediate reason would be that this: If I am single again, I would be free to pursue the OM or other guys for that matter. I would want to be able to decide for myself, and deliberate what I really want, without having to deal a marriage.

 

Right now, it is a tug of war between pursuing OM and going alone for sometime. Or this possibility of going back to H (hmm, how come it's like this now?)?

 

I am still very very very confused. NC with OM and H should be started/reinforced/maintained. And focus on myself. And on work.

 

Tomorrow I will have to call my doctor to ask for a new C appointment.

Edited December 15, 2009 by physica

[physica]

It is so difficult to be in deep limbo. One time I want one thing, the other time I want something else. I go back and forth, back and forth.

 

This is a bit scary. Knowing what it is that I really really want... So so confused...

 

Can I switch off my mind for a time and just start living for real?