already separated, but what now?

[2.50 a gallon]

physica

 

What makes the OM so special, besides being a charming good friend who listens and is some one you can talk to on an emotional level?

 

If I may guess he started out as just a friend, some one you could talk to about anything. He is a male friend you can trust. He encourages you in your job. He has an interest in your life, he listens to every word you say, is always asking questions about how you feel about this or that. He notices how you dress, how you changed your hair, "I've never seen you wear that before, where did you get it?" types of questions.

 

And now that it has gone a little deeper than friendship, he is always there with the right words of support. It is almost like he could be a soul mate.

 

Is he older than you? Does he have a higher position in the company?

 

How often does he travel? Is he off on business or a holiday vacation.

 

Convinces us he is the real deal, or are you beginning to suspect a weasel?

[physica]

What makes the OM so special, besides being a charming good friend who listens and is some one you can talk to on an emotional level?

 

If I may guess he started out as just a friend, some one you could talk to about anything. He is a male friend you can trust. He encourages you in your job. He has an interest in your life, he listens to every word you say, is always asking questions about how you feel about this or that. He notices how you dress, how you changed your hair, "I've never seen you wear that before, where did you get it?" types of questions.

 

And now that it has gone a little deeper than friendship, he is always there with the right words of support. It is almost like he could be a soul mate.

 

?

Except fot the last question, every thing else you wrote above applies to my case. He says the right things at the right time. I have low self-esteem and there he is, a person who listens. He also has the tendency be a people pleaser, like me. I have no hint of doubt about his intentions in the beginning, I believe he was really genuine and he cares for a lot of people too, male or female alike. But our interactions became emotionally intense eventually, and I believe I also played a big part in it. We were feeding each other's vulnerabilities. We are similar in so many ways. We might be co-dependent.

 

Is he older than you? Does he have a higher position in the company?

?

 

He is of the same age as me and the same position. I joined the company half a year after he joined - he started as an 'intern'. And I started at this position which he also took up a year later after I joined. We just became close 6 months ago - the first time we went out for drinks after work.

 

How often does he travel? Is he off on business or a holiday vacation.

?

Not often. He is now on work related-travel. He goes out once or twice per year for conference abroad, the same as me. He also goes on vacation abroad once or twice per year as I do with H.

 

Convinces us he is the real deal, or are you beginning to suspect a weasel?

 

I believe he is a real deal. But also as sick as I am.

Edited December 15, 2009 by physica

[nobmagnet]

hey,

 

i see a common thread here?? might just be me!

 

to coin a phrase

 

" sh*it or get off the pot love"

 

stop stinging your loving husband along. It is humiliating for him.

Go find yourself. Move on with or with out this chap.

 

Your self esteam issues are yours to control with help dont look for someone else to make you feel better as a man/ woman who is prepared to break a marriage is not the kind of person who allows you to grow. he wants the challenge of a married woman and when he gets you.............no challenge and he will see you for the broken woman you are. I dont mean to hurt you I really dont.

Please take a good long look at yourself and your husband. Tell him you have low selfesteam and you need help from profecionals to get through it. It takes time and patience and if you loved your husband once rest assured if he sees you through this you will love him more because he will want you to have great self esteam.

 

Blow the OM away its not real. IMO..hehe xx

[physica]

stop stinging your loving husband along. It is humiliating for him.

 

Thanks for your thoughts nobmagnet.

 

I am not stringing my loving husband along. That is why I broke up with him, I know it is unfair and that pains him a lot. But at that moment, for whatever left of my decency and respect for him, I really believed I could not go on with the marriage anymore.

[nobmagnet]

sorry

 

do you still beleive you cant go onwith the marriage?

 

sorry i was harsh. I had selfesteam issues too and it makes you vunerable to situations. it makes you weak when normally you would be strong etc.

I am just a bit concererned you and you husband shouldnt adress the issues together. Once again.......soz x

[physica]

do you still beleive you cant go onwith the marriage?

 

As I mentioned above, I am still in limbo. I am alone now and I think it's helping me take a hard look at myself without much outside influence.

 

I am just a bit concererned you and you husband shouldnt adress the issues together. Once again.......soz x

 

I want to do it alone for now. And with the help of counselling.

[tnttim]

As I mentioned above, I am still in limbo. I am alone now and I think it's helping me take a hard look at myself without much outside influence.

 

 

 

I want to do it alone for now. And with the help of counselling.

 

That's the best thing to do, good for you. You have to heal also.

[physica]

I think you are running (your words) from the commitment more then your H.

 

I am sitting in my office desk and just thinking. I think and feel that I am traumatized. My hands are so cold, I feel nervous.

 

Now I realize that I am now soooo afraid of commitments. I just want to be alone. Just ALONE at this time.

 

I am so lost, so lost. I can't get my thoughts in order. What shall I do? I can't focus, I can't do anything.

 

I have an appointment with our company doctor on Monday to see if I am eligible for a stress leave or indefinite sick leave.

 

I don't know what to do. I hit rock bottom.

[2.50 a gallon]

physica

 

Here is something to think about while you are maintaining NC

 

If I wanted to get in your panties this is how I would play the game

 

"he is, a person who listens" - First rule of a player pursuing a MW is to become her friend, listen to her and she would tell me how to seduce her. Co-workers are the easiest, as she is relaxed just talking over lunch, the water cooler, her gaurd is down, not like at bar or a party, where she is aware she is swimming with sharks

 

Second rule: Once the friendship is established and she begins to trust me, go out an have a after work drink with her. Alcohol loosens the tongue and gives me more material to work with

 

"He says the right things at the right time" - Yes he has listened, taken notes and knows what you want to hear, all he has to to is wait for the right moment, and parrot back what you have already told him you want to hear.

 

I used to even practice my lines, like an actor does before he goes before a camera. I had several standbys. Here is one "No woman should have to put up with that from her BF / H." She would reply, then I would reply with a line she had told me she wanted to hear. Her reply and I would reply with another she wanted to hear, and the conversation would go on with me feeding her lines she wanted to hear. The clincher, had several closing lines, example "I'm so sorry you have to put up with that, nobody should feel that way," There were others that were similar, and had practised which ever one fit the best, and then I could actually get a little teary eyed. Followed by her giving me a hug, then a kiss, and within a short time it was hang her panties on the headboard

 

"I have low self-esteem" - Emotionaly vulnerable. I didn't know what it was called, but I sure knew it when I saw it. Like a fox can pick out a wounded rabbit.

 

"our interactions became emotionally intense eventually, and I believe I also played a big part in it. We were feeding each other's vulnerabilities. We are similar in so many ways. We might be co-dependent. - Another part of the play book, I made them think that they were seducing me. It was all a setup. I would even play hard to get, "Are you sure we should be doing this" and the funny cliches lines "If loving you is wrong, I don't want to be right" and "If you don't want to be with the one you love, love the one you're with"

 

He is not the real deal, you are being played and will probably be hurt even more, the distrust of men will amplify and then where are you?

 

My guess he is about 30 years of age. Why is he pursuing a married woman, because he is not man enough to go hunting in the singles scene. He is a second class man. If he is the real deal he would wait until you are divorced. It will never happen as at that time you will be back in the singles scene and he will not be able to compete.

[physica]

He is not the real deal, you are being played and will probably be hurt even more, the distrust of men will amplify and then where are you?

 

Thanks 2.5 a gallon! My body is so resisting your post but who knows you're probably right about this guy. I hope not otherwise I will kill him. Of course that is an exaggeration - my H wanted me to slap OM during coffee break in front of everybody! Hmmm I will never do that, after all I am the other pair of this bruhaha. I will get back to this as soon as I found out. I'm glad I am getting a grip of my emotions right now. I notice that slowly the affair fog is lifting but I have to be on my guard always.

 

NC has helped me a lot this time, I will maintain it until after New Year when OM is back at work and even beyond that and I will keep you all posted.

 

My H is also temporarily staying with friends for a few days, but I am sure he will bee back home just before OM is back in town - OM lives just less than 3 km from us.

 

LS has been of great help to me and thank you guys for all your comments/remarks, I badly needed them.

Edited December 16, 2009 by physica