Not a relationship, not FWB

[stace79]

My fiance and I broke up in October, less than two months ago. Long story short, I was pregnant, had a miscarriage, but the strain of our situation (he lived six hours from me for a new job) caused me to snap... bad bad breakup.

 

My very good friend that I've known since high school was one person I turned to -- he's a single dad and I thought I could rely on him. He gave me advice, checked in with me via text some times, etc.

 

Four years ago or so he and I were "seeing each other" for lack of better words. We had sex, hung out, but he always said he wasn't ready for a relationship. So I moved on, but we stayed in touch b/c I truly do like his company.

 

Now, since the break up, he's been contacting me more and I am happy to have him back in my life. We'd lost touch due to my serious R. I invited him out this past Saturday and we had a blast -- def sparks there, but as he'd never made a move previously I assumed he was maybe attracted to me but just not interested in me as "gf material".

 

I decided to see him Sunday, too, and things got physical. He asked me was I okay with just having sex, no feelings involved, b/c "you really mean a lot to me and I'd rather not have sex than ruin a good friendship" (his words exactly).

 

I was honestly okay with that. He makes me happy when I'm around him, and the sex isn't bad either (haha). Well then, afterward, he starts cuddling me, having serious talks with me, still kissing me... plus the sex was different than the last time we were together. Felt more intimate, more like making love than having sex. I just blew it off at first.

 

Well then an hour later we're still hanging out. I don't recall how we got on to the conversation, but he says he has feelings for me more than just friendship, tells me that he was jealous of my fiance when he saw our pictures of the beach weekend when we got engaged, told me some times he could see himself married to me, told me he doesn't have many "close" friends but that he trusts me and feels comfortable with me.

 

We hung out for five or six hours -- listening to music and cuddling on the couch, played Rock Band and laughed our butts off, he kept hugging me, and kissed me a few times. Then in texts, told me later on that he wanted me to stay the night but knew I had to go home and take care of my dog.

 

I saw him again last night to take him to pick up his car, and he kissed me on the lips when he got out of my car. I believe he's planning to come out for a trivia night at a bar with me and two friends tonight.

 

Additionally I told him in texts (stupid) that I have more than friends feelings for him, too, but that if he only wants friendship I can live with that. (I honestly can -- I'm not ready for a serious R yet anyway and am just having fun... but I love his company.) He said he knows I'm still messed up from my situation and that's why he "doesn't press any issues".

 

My gut says just consider him my friend and go on about life, but I'm just so curious. One side of my brain says he likes me a lot but doesn't see me as "gf material" still, but the other side of my brain tells me all this doesn't add up right -- I've never had a guy who didn't want a R or was just out for sex or FWB treat me this way before. Then there's the man-hater, pessimist in me saying he's probably treating five other women this way. haha -- he's a popular, attractive and successful guy with plenty of opportunity. Also is well-off financially... but I told him I was concerned about him sleeping with me at the same time as others (health reasons, not necessarily jealousy), and he says he hasn't slept with anyone else for three months and doesn't intend to.

 

Any insights? Thanks for reading if you got all the way to the end.

[Ruby Slippers]

From what you have described here, his interest sounds genuine. Why not go out on a real date and see what happens?

[norajane]

he says he has feelings for me more than just friendship

 

He said he knows I'm still messed up from my situation and that's why he "doesn't press any issues".

 

It sounds like he was pretty clear on how he feels about you. He likes you, but he knows you're messed up so he's not going to push it. I'm not sure why you're confused?

 

Don't you trust what he says? He's been a friend for years, right? Have you had any reason not to believe what he tells you?

[stace79]

It sounds like he was pretty clear on how he feels about you. He likes you, but he knows you're messed up so he's not going to push it. I'm not sure why you're confused?

 

Don't you trust what he says? He's been a friend for years, right? Have you had any reason not to believe what he tells you?

 

I guess I'm worried b/c

1) I like him so I'm afraid I'm reading too much into things.

 

2) I'm afraid that he's saying those things to be nice, but maybe he doesn't really want a R with me (or perhaps anyone).

 

3) Probably most likely is that he wants to get to know each other again, because while I was in my previous R we didn't talk much or see each other (about 3 years).

 

He bailed on me for tonight, which I'm disappointed about, by the way.

[norajane]

It makes sense to take it slow and see if his words match up with his actions, over time. See how he treats you.

 

In the meantime, you're probably not ready for a relationship. Your ex just recently broke up with you and you've been through a lot with your miscarriage and all. So work on getting emotionally and mentally healthy by NOT focusing on men at this point.

 

Enjoy your time with him, but don't set him up in your head as your next husband-prospect! You are vulnerable, and you could be rebounding. If you dive in too soon, you'll only end up messing up both the relationship and the friendship. Clear your head of your ex first.

[stace79]

It makes sense to take it slow and see if his words match up with his actions, over time. See how he treats you.

 

In the meantime, you're probably not ready for a relationship. Your ex just recently broke up with you and you've been through a lot with your miscarriage and all. So work on getting emotionally and mentally healthy by NOT focusing on men at this point.

 

Enjoy your time with him, but don't set him up in your head as your next husband-prospect! You are vulnerable, and you could be rebounding. If you dive in too soon, you'll only end up messing up both the relationship and the friendship. Clear your head of your ex first.

 

You're totally right. I guess my problem is that I just feel so light when I'm around him. I'm getting to where I'm "okay" or "normal" on my own, too, but he's just so fun to be around, and he seems to "get me" more than anyone. For instance he was showing me pictures of his kids on his phone, and after a minute or two he grabbed it back b/c he could tell I was thinking about my miscarriage looking at his girls.

 

I dunno if you all read the Twilight series, but J is kinda like my "Jacob"... except for the fact that I'm no longer in love with anyone else.

 

But you're right; I have to keep perspective on things so I will work on doing that. Probably good that we aren't hanging out tonight.

[stace79]

Enjoy your time with him, but don't set him up in your head as your next husband-prospect! You are vulnerable, and you could be rebounding. If you dive in too soon, you'll only end up messing up both the relationship and the friendship. Clear your head of your ex first.

 

Well, you are right about this --- while out last night my ex-fiance called and left me a voicemail. It completely threw me for a loop -- I didn't answer and did not call him back, and don't intend to. But it infuriated me that after our most recent convo, which was unpleasant, that he would contact me and esp about something as stupid as it was.

 

Anyway I called J b/c I was upset/angry, he invited me over and I spent the night. It's the weirdest thing -- he acts like he's interested, but there's just something off. It's tiny, and I can't put my finger on it. But I'm going to try and take your advice, just enjoy being around him and focus on my goals for the mean time. Thank you.

[norajane]

Anyway I called J b/c I was upset/angry, he invited me over and I spent the night. It's the weirdest thing -- he acts like he's interested, but there's just something off. It's tiny, and I can't put my finger on it. But I'm going to try and take your advice, just enjoy being around him and focus on my goals for the mean time. Thank you.

 

Really, try not to use this guy as a crutch to get over your break-up! That's completely rebound behavior. It's not going to help your relationship. And that kind of behavior is going to make him wonder if you actually like him, or if you are using him for comfort and support while you get over your ex.

 

Talk to your girlfriends when you are upset about your ex.

[stace79]

Really, try not to use this guy as a crutch to get over your break-up! That's completely rebound behavior. It's not going to help your relationship. And that kind of behavior is going to make him wonder if you actually like him, or if you are using him for comfort and support while you get over your ex.

 

Talk to your girlfriends when you are upset about your ex.

 

I guess you are right. I am going to try and cool it, not call/text him as much. Even if it wasn't the "crutch" thing like you mentioned, I'm spending too much time with him already. We've seen each other every day the past four days, and texting in the mean time.

 

Obviously it's been awhile since I was single, so I'm sort of re-learning.