Newbie with a broken heart and long (sorry!) story

[Catseye8]

My boyfriend of one year broke up with me a few days ago, and I'm still reeling. We've always loved each other like crazy, got on really well, and made plans for the rest of our lives - but the past six weeks of our relationship just got really stressful, and then things snapped.

 

The stress was both of our faults. We were arguing about moving in together, because he just kept suggesting we did and then backing out on it. In retrospect he just plain wasn't ready - and I'm not sure I was, either - but I got so fed up of him changing his mind, I kept pressuring him to go through with it. For a few weeks after that, all we did was have serious conversations night after night - which I always started, because I was worried he was going to freak out again. (I've had some really crappy boyfriend experiences in the past, and when I started getting worried I just put all that on him and kept questioning him about every little bit of the relationship.) It was stressful and awful, and in retrospect we should both have just taken living together off the table and spent some time being happy together. But we didn't, and I gave him an ultimatum and said, either you follow through with moving in together this time or I'm gone.

 

It just felt like we got into this awful vicious cycle, where he never dared tell me what he wanted or what he was comfortable with, and then I flipped out when I found out he'd been misleading me, and then he felt guilty and said he'd do whatever I wanted… and so on. And we kept on talking *about* the relationship, rather than just being in it. He told me a couple of times that he didn't want to keep on having these conversations and we should just relax, but I couldn't let it go.

 

The other part is that he's been dealing with a huge amount of stress recently, mostly stuff I didn't know about, or didn't know how much it was bothering him. (Recent bereavements, family illness, and huge issues at work.) I always knew he'd been bad at talking about his problems to other people and admitting them to himself, but I thought he'd got better at that - yeah, apparently not.

 

So he came round the other night and told me he was really sorry but he had to break up with me. He said he wasn't ready to move in with me and didn't know when he would be, and he couldn't bear to string me along any more. He said he didn't know what was wrong with him, but he was absolutely terrified of any kind of change to his life, he couldn't cope with stress, and he didn't know how to talk about any of his problems to anyone. He said he wanted a family and children and he was terrified of ending up alone, and I was the only person he'd ever been able to imagine that with, but at the same time 'dealing with an adult relationship' really scared him, and he had to work out why that was. He said he didn't know why he couldn't talk about his problems, but he just couldn't - he said he was 'broken', and he needed to take time off work, see a counsellor, and just be completely alone to work on himself and what was wrong with him before he could deal with a relationship. And he said he had to do that on his own, that he just couldn't take any more stressful conversations, and he couldn't stand the thought of hurting me, and he couldn't be the boyfriend I wanted and I deserved better. Said everything in his life had just overwhelmed him - and he looked so grey and ill. He said he loves me like crazy, but that's not enough to make it work.

 

He said it needed to be a clean break between us and there wasn't any chance we could get back together the way he was now. He said he didn't want me to keep hanging around for him, so I should just move on. But then he said that in the future, when he was 'fixed', he'd like to imagine we could be together, and he told me 'I'm sure I'll try to come crawling back at some point, but you should just tell me to go to hell when I do.'

 

A few days later, I emailed him to say that I hoped he was ok, and that I now realised he was totally right about how stressful the relationship had got. I said we spent more time talking about the relationship than being in it, and that was hurting me too, and I'm sorry it took something like this to make me realise. (And I am, truly.) I said I appreciated he was right that he needed some space to get his head together, and that I needed some of my own too, and I was sorry we'd messed things up. I said I'd really like it if we could go back to talking via email from time to time about casual stuff, the way we did when we were first getting to know each other. He replied with this hugely thankful email telling me that was exactly it and I'd phrased it so much better than he'd be able to, and he'd really like to talk lie that. Since then, he's sent me chatty emails, he's asked about my life, he's told me about his, he even texted me to say there was a TV show on right now I'd really like. But he's still talking about getting our stuff back from each others' places.

 

I want him back so much, but I know I'm not in any place to do that right now. What I'm planning to do is take a few weeks/months to get my own head together, and let him work on his, and then suggest we try again - not the relationship we'd ended up in, but the more casual, much happier one we'd had earlier. Forget living together, forget all the stressful conversations, let's just go back to that. But I just don't know if there's any chance of that at all, or whether I/we've messed things up for good

[dietpepsi]

It sounds like you two might be at different points in your lives? If you are ready to live with him, and he is not. Although i have to say honestly, never give someone an ultimatum like that, because honestly you would have loved him regardless if you lived with him or not, it wasn't another woman or drugs or anything negative that you wanted him to do/not do, and in time he might have warmed up to the idea. You also should not take it as a personal attack, one of my past gf's brought it up, and i did not want to, nothing against her, i just wasn't ready, and it eventually caused a big enough riff to start the breakup cycle.

 

 

You may just need this time and space.

[Catseye8]

Yeah, the ultimatum was stupid Honestly I'm not sure that I was ready to live with him either - I just felt like I had to stick to it, after I'd agreed the first time and made such a big thing out of it. And also, I didn't like the way we were living where we were spending pretty much every night together at one or the other's tiny one-bedroomed place - I just wanted to feel like even if he was there in the evening, we didn't have to spend the evening With Each Other in quite the same way. Oh, I don't know.

 

Basically, what I really wanted was to be happy and content, the way I was before we stopped spending so much time together and before this living-together thing came up. And now it turns out that's what he wanted too, and we might've messed it up for good. I feel so stupid.

[dietpepsi]

It may not necessarily be all messed up, not the same sure, but it looks as if he has feelings for you for sure, it may just take some space on each of your parts to be able to figure it out.

[Catseye8]

Thanks - I really hope so I've just realised for the first time that what I really wanted was to spend a bit less time together, not feel like we were smothering each other, but I felt awful about telling him that. And then when he was breaking up with me, he said he felt like we were spending too much time together and he didn't like it, and moving in together would make it worse. All that time and hassle over moving in together, and what we basically wanted was the same thing all along. Gah, I'm an idiot.

[dietpepsi]

Well from this point on, if you guys reconcile, complete and calm honesty will probably be in order. Take this time to figure out how you feel about a long term relationship, and you how feel about spending too much time together, or not enough time together. Think about your personal boundaries and how much you are able to give and take. It may really help to figure out what exactly you want out of a relationship. A little introspection goes a long way, even if you don't reconcile, you can still have a better future knowing exactly what you can and cannot do in a relationship. You may figure out after some time that you do not want to reconcile with someone you don't see eye to eye with. Of course I don't know you or him, but use your best judgement to try and think objectively about it.

 

I guess for now though, all you can do it sit tight. It's hard, but try and hang in there, and see what happens. If a smothering atmosphere was talked about, you definitely want to make yourself a little scare right now, and he will see how he feels without that atmosphere, your ex will respect this.

Be tough

[Catseye8]

That's what I'm doing at the moment - I need some space for myself to figure things out too (and I told him that). But you think it won't ruin the chances of getting back together if I wait a while before talking to him about any of this stuff? I get that he needs time too - he was in a really bad state and needs to do his own thinking. But if one of the main issues we broke up over was a misunderstanding, both of us getting frustrated with spending all our time together and him thinking it's what I wanted when it's really not, then wouldn't there be a risk that not telling him that would make it less likely we'd get back together?

 

I don't think I want to talk to him about stuff right now, anyway. Just hoping that's the right decision, and I shouldn't be phoning him right now to say 'We wanted the same thing, I just didn't realise it!'

[dietpepsi]

You do have to be careful of "She is just saying this, thinking it's what i want to hear" If you tell him this stuff too soon it would be like "Oh by the way, i feel the same way as you do about it all" He may have a hard time justifying the validity of your claims to himself so soon after the breakup, he may think you are only trying to appease him. I think you just don't want to tell him too soon.

 

I would wait to tell him for a little bit for that reason, you are the best of judge of his personality, so make use of that when thinking what is a good time to contact him.

 

When you do, you may want to consider a hand written letter and mail to him, something personal, to let him know you are thinking about both of your feelings. Let him know you feel that his personal space is important and apologize for being overzealous about moving in together, and that you recognize this fact, tell him you realize he was doing what he thought was best to save the relationship and that you didn't see that at the time, and after some thinking you think that not moving in together was the right thing to do, and through his actions it made you realize your personal space is important to you as well. You know speak from the heart. I wouldn't say anything about getting back together yet, just mail him the letter, and let him know these are the thoughts you are having. Let him know he is still on your mind, but you are respecting his decision.

 

Maybe spray a bit of your scent in the letter, regardless of the circumstances if i opened a letter from a girl i had still had feelings for and a nice familiar scent hit me. wow, i would love it.

 

 

Just suggestions though, work is slow today, so i have time to sit here and think about this stuff haha.