Boundary Problem Posted December 8, 2009 Share Posted December 8, 2009 I am friends with someone I care about a great deal. But he is always trying to tell me what to do. Any advice? p.s. terminating the friendship is not an option and because of some issues, I don't believe in NC. I guess I just answered my own question. I have to talk to him about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Boundary Problem Posted December 8, 2009 Author Share Posted December 8, 2009 (edited) Oh - I just remembered why talking to him doesn't work - he doesn't listen. He thinks (knows) he's always right. I realize my solution generally has been to remain within sight, but ignore him. So he knows I'm there, but I focus on other things. And then he gives up for like a day or two, before he is back to telling me what to do. I often just tune it out, but he puts so much effort into his advice, I kinda feel bad for him. He puts A LOT of effort into telling me what to do. Kinda funny. Edited December 8, 2009 by Boundary Problem Link to post Share on other sites
Peaceful Guy Posted December 8, 2009 Share Posted December 8, 2009 ide like to help.. but i can't get a feel for what's going on yet. would you like to say more? Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted December 8, 2009 Share Posted December 8, 2009 I hate to say it, but BP seems to be talking to him/herself, and resolving his/her own issue.....! Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted December 8, 2009 Share Posted December 8, 2009 he puts so much effort into his advice... He puts A LOT of effort into telling me what to do. BP, you could try other approaches: 1. I really appreciate your time and effort giving me advice. What would you be focusing on if I wasn't around? How would you otherwise be spending your time and effort? 2. I really appreciate your time and effort giving me advice. What is it about me that is causing you to feel that you need to take care of me? Is it that (you believe) my own judgment is just way off? Can you help me improve that side of things so I'll be able to make better/wiser/saner decisions and choices for myself in the future? That is, help him to start exploring HIS OWN beliefs, needs, actions, etc. Maybe? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Boundary Problem Posted December 8, 2009 Author Share Posted December 8, 2009 2. I really appreciate your time and effort giving me advice. What is it about me that is causing you to feel that you need to take care of me? Is it that (you believe) my own judgment is just way off? Can you help me improve that side of things so I'll be able to make better/wiser/saner decisions and choices for myself in the future? That is, help him to start exploring HIS OWN beliefs, needs, actions, etc. Maybe? Yes it all comes from a good place. He is very protective. He just has this blindspot. He tends to give good advice too. But if I choose not to take it, he assumes I didn't hear properly and that is why he keeps telling me over and over. I don't mind it, but it just staggers me how much effort he puts into telling me what to do. It goes further, he gives me tests. He makes them up. And sometimes I pass, but sometimes I fail. So then he thinks I need a bunch of feedback on how to imporve. It is quite cute actually. He is one of my favorite people, he just drives me a little nuts sometimes. I'm sure I drive him nuts too. Link to post Share on other sites
Peaceful Guy Posted December 8, 2009 Share Posted December 8, 2009 well, this is helping me understand my relationship with one of my good friends. the reason that i get so opinionated about him and what he should do is that he constantly acts down on himself about what he's not doing.. so i try and give constructive ideas.. but he's really just saying, i want to feel this way.. i don't want to improve.. and that's okay for a while, but when he acts like a pill i really wish that he would do something. at least that's how i feel. but it seems like a trap.. like he'll go, "ah, i just sat around all day instead of doing what i should have.." and of course, i didn't care what he did before we met up.. because that's his life.. his decisions.. but then he acts all crap. its hard to deal with. i had another friend who i don't see anymore that would get angry about everything.. ide try to help him feel better and then he'd get all angry at me.. **** that! i know its not the worst thing in the world, but that "test" thing sounds.. well, i don't know.. if you like it its cool. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Boundary Problem Posted December 8, 2009 Author Share Posted December 8, 2009 Well everybody is different and has different needs, so I try to just live my own life and roll with it. All I know is that people seldom change, so I'm just trying to figure out the best way to deal with it. He kind of actually acts like the bossy older brother. Telling me what to do etc. I'm sure he would wrestle me if he could. I've never had a brother, so I like it. Another member of the family. Link to post Share on other sites
Peaceful Guy Posted December 8, 2009 Share Posted December 8, 2009 i think that aside from whatever you take from my little venting story above.. you should pay close attention to what you say before he starts giving advice. are you constantly complaining about something? are you convinced of something negative thats holding you back? you can't expect your friend to change his patterns if you don't change yours. give it some time, and if he's still locked in life coach mode then you could gently remind him that your feeling pretty good, and that you'll come to him for help when you need it. really, be aware of the "bummer trap" though.. just made that up, but i think it fits! if you keep falling down, you're friend is going to keep picking you up.. to the point of exhaustion. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Boundary Problem Posted December 8, 2009 Author Share Posted December 8, 2009 be aware of the "bummer trap" though.. just made that up, but i think it fits! if you keep falling down, you're friend is going to keep picking you up.. to the point of exhaustion. Actually he is the one who keeps complaining about some ex-girlfriend. I just ignore it for the most part. Part if it is just for attention - I think coginitively he is moving on, but he likes the drama/attention of whining about getting her back. He has so many other things going for him in his life, I just keep waiting for him to realize it. But he likes two conversation topics: 1. whining about getting his ex back; 2. telling me what to do. I think I'm a hobby for him. Sort of "do it yourself" project where he can make me into a better woman. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted December 8, 2009 Share Posted December 8, 2009 It is quite cute actually. He is one of my favorite people, he just drives me a little nuts sometimes. It sounds like, you're actually getting a lot of enjoyment and positive stuff out of his care and attention(?) -- despite that he sometimes goes overboard. I guess you can also just keep it lighthearted at those times when you have had "enough" (for that moment.) Like, laugh when you say, "Yeah, yeah oh-great-guru-whom-I-admire...I'll keep working on it, I promise. Now, what are we going to do about lunch? / what movie do you want to see on Friday night? / how is it going at home/work/school?" If you both can keep it working, then keep it working for as long as it offers benefits on both sides. And when you get to your "enough" for permanent, then you just gotta have a more meaningful and assertive conversation to start changing this dynamic permanently. Possibly? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Boundary Problem Posted December 8, 2009 Author Share Posted December 8, 2009 It sounds like, you're actually getting a lot of enjoyment and positive stuff out of his care and attention(?) -- despite that he sometimes goes overboard. If you both can keep it working, then keep it working for as long as it offers benefits on both sides. And when you get to your "enough" for permanent, then you just gotta have a more meaningful and assertive conversation to start changing this dynamic permanently. Possibly? I think you are right. I get a lot of enjoyment and positive stuff from his care and attention. A LOT. I just frankly don't want him wasting his time worrying about me. But I guess that is easier said than done. I think it is just the way his engine is built. He might be able to cut back a little, but the effort it would require for him would exceed any benefit to me I think. I just have to learn to live with it. I don't think big brothers change. They are bossy to the day they die. But you know they are always in your corner when the chips are down. So, there is that. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted December 8, 2009 Share Posted December 8, 2009 I just frankly don't want him wasting his time worrying about me. I get what you mean about that, but most likely it is also that HE is getting a lot of enjoyment and positive stuff out of giving you his care and attention. That is, I would highly doubt that he is seeing it as a "waste" of his time...maybe even feels that he is putting his time to really good use. Know what I mean? You could ask him about that, I guess; could ask if you are somehow disappointing him or if he's feeling frustrated that (in his mind) you still aren't 'getting it', or not getting it 'fast enough'. Maybe there's a bit of that kind of fear going on for you? But quite honestly, the more you talk about it, the more it sounds like it's working well for BOTH of you -- in general and for the most part. It sounds more like the only "issues" (about this specific thing) are those times when you start to feel that he's driving you nuts -- so maybe it's just that you need a more effective strategy (or two) to handle your end of things when you start to feel that way. Is how it's coming across. I say enjoy being on the receiving end, and allow him to continue to give in ways that he knows and feels happy-comfortable. Or, receive graciously and without guilt, I guess is another way of putting it. Don't know -- these are just the types of things popping into my head at this time Link to post Share on other sites
freestyle Posted December 8, 2009 Share Posted December 8, 2009 There's a very enlightening book I recently read on this topic. It's entitled, "Controlling People" by Patricia Evans. I'd highly recommend it. You might gain some new insight into your friend's behavior, as well as getting a peek into the inner landscape of people who feel the need to control those around them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Boundary Problem Posted December 8, 2009 Author Share Posted December 8, 2009 I worry that I do disappoint him, because I do only take his advice about 1/2 the time. And it is the other 1/2 the time where he tells me the same thing a hundred different ways and I don't do it for whatever reason - that I worry I'm taking away from his time to himself. I do know he worries about me. But I worry about him too. I've never been in a relationship like this before. So I'm just adjusting. Usually my relationships are I immerse myself in his life (and my life is private from him - he isn't interested), or we each live parallel lives and again I'm much more involved in his life than he with mine. This is the first time where I'm forcing the friendship to stay the course and assert my own life and insist that he be a part of it. I think it is new for me and I'm just getting used to it. But he is tugging pretty hard on the rope to pull me off course. So far I have no difficulty expressing myself. It is just important to take a step back sometimes and keep a clear eye on where I'm heading and not get distracted by someone with a very very dominant personality who likes to tell me what to do (for his own good reasons). Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted December 8, 2009 Share Posted December 8, 2009 (Again, just my own thoughts and ramblings -- please ignore whatever needs to be ignored .) This is the first time where I'm forcing the friendship to stay the course and assert my own life and insist that he be a part of it. ... But he is tugging pretty hard on the rope to pull me off course. What I'm hearing is that you want to become more self-determining, to be able to make your own decisions and face your own consequences. So kind of, more wanting to have Adult-to-Adult relationships (in the transactional analysis, not chronological age, sense.) That is, I would say it's more that you are asking (not "forcing") your relationship(s) to also honour your values, purpose, desires, needs...as defined and determined by you; that you want your 'stuff' to count as equally important and significant as the other person's. So yeah...those affected will be needing to make their own adjustments and give up some of the emotional-energetic 'space' that they previously occupied in the relationship, to make room for you. And yeah...you may come up against some serious resistance . I wouldn't necessarily see it as him trying to pull you off course, though. I mean, in terms of what is driving-motivating him it's likely more that he's just trying to keep himself on the same course as he has always been, where he is happiest and most comfortable. You've got it exactly, IMO -- stay focused on achieving your own goals as far as it all goes, and appreciate him even as you are guiding him to let go of his need to control your decisions and experiences. It will sometimes be tough, as you say, but sounds like you're totally ready for the challenge! In any case, BP, wishing you great success. Link to post Share on other sites
freestyle Posted December 8, 2009 Share Posted December 8, 2009 (Again, just my own thoughts and ramblings -- please ignore whatever needs to be ignored .) What I'm hearing is that you want to become more self-determining, to be able to make your own decisions and face your own consequences. So kind of, more wanting to have Adult-to-Adult relationships (in the transactional analysis, not chronological age, sense.) That is, I would say it's more that you are asking (not "forcing") your relationship(s) to also honour your values, purpose, desires, needs...as defined and determined by you; that you want your 'stuff' to count as equally important and significant as the other person's. So yeah...those affected will be needing to make their own adjustments and give up some of the emotional-energetic 'space' that they previously occupied in the relationship, to make room for you. And yeah...you may come up against some serious resistance . I wouldn't necessarily see it as him trying to pull you off course, though. I mean, in terms of what is driving-motivating him it's likely more that he's just trying to keep himself on the same course as he has always been, where he is happiest and most comfortable. You've got it exactly, IMO -- stay focused on achieving your own goals as far as it all goes, and appreciate him even as you are guiding him to let go of his need to control your decisions and experiences. It will sometimes be tough, as you say, but sounds like you're totally ready for the challenge! In any case, BP, wishing you great success. Excellent response, Ronni. Were you implying an adult-to-adult dynamic, versus a parent-child dynamic? I didn't look at it that way until I read your post, but I believe you boiled it down to the very basics. Well said! Link to post Share on other sites
Peaceful Guy Posted December 8, 2009 Share Posted December 8, 2009 so hey, are you two interested in each other romantically? Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted December 9, 2009 Share Posted December 9, 2009 Excellent response, Ronni. Thanks for your kind comment, freestyle. I really appreciate you taking the time to post it. To me it does sound that maybe BP's friend prefers to be and be seen in a "father knows best" type of role, so yeah...more Parent-Child (is how the friend likes it.) Of course, those can and do work great in same-age relationships...until they stop working for one of the two. Which it sounds as if it's not working quite so great anymore, for BP. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Boundary Problem Posted December 13, 2009 Author Share Posted December 13, 2009 Usually I just ignore it, but sometimes it gets to be a bit much. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Boundary Problem Posted December 13, 2009 Author Share Posted December 13, 2009 so hey, are you two interested in each other romantically? Right now we're just friends. In the long distant past we were interested romantically in each other. So he spends 1/2 the time acting like a bossy older brother and the 1/2 half of the time either approaching or pulling away romantically. Better than TV. His moods change like spring showers. Link to post Share on other sites
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