Looking for a different perspective

[Peacepod]

Hi I am new to the forum.

I have searched the threads and there are some situations that closely parallel mine but not quite. (I'll try not to make it too long)

 

I'm a single mom of 2 boys. I met someone in 2003 and we really hit it off. He has no children. I was limited in my dating times because of needing to devote time to my children however, he understood and would work with my schedule. After a year he got transferred by his job to another state a 6 hr drive away. We asked each other to make it work as an LDR.

Anyway about a year later we broke up. He suddenly seemed distant, and wouldn't say why and so we ended it. I went on with my life. Fast forward 9 months later there was a knock on the door and it was him. He apologized, said he was dealing with stuff and wanted me back. I knew I still loved him so we started back again with the LDR.

About a year ago he revealed that there was something he hadn't told me for a while because he knew I had already stated at the beginning of the relationship that I wouldn't be party to it: he revelaed that when we met he was still legally married to his wife but had been separated from for over a year. His divorce wasn't finalized until 1 year into our relationship (2004) I was upset but I forgave him.

Anyway he talks about marriage. He has family and friends and all roots here and says that he has no intention of living his life where he is now, I am not keen on moving there as I am not sure I would find a job very quickly in this economy nor would I be able to sell my house, and I do not want to put the burden of my children on him. We agreed that it would make more sense for him to move here.

He always talks saying, "When we get married......". Sometimes I say 'if'. He talks about it more than I do. I've never been married. He states that coming back to his home state he'd rather not come to live under my roof without a job knowing that I basically take care of my kids alone, he says he rather think of that if he lands a job here. We even talked of how much of a paycut he'd have to take to still be able to help me out and survive.

It's gonna be 7 yrs and counting after Jan 19. I don't press the issue of marriage but I know it's something I want.

I also get very homesick for my homeland and family but I don't want to leave him either but my single mother struggle would be greatly alleviated by having the support of my family in another country.

I am torn. Is he blowing hot air? I don't get it.

 

i GREATLY understand his concern of our financial situation. him moving here with no job and me having to support would disadvantage my children ALOT and he has said it would bruise his male ego because he feels he has 'provider' role. But in this economy what are his chances of finding a job as good as he has it there?

Edited December 8, 2009 by Peacepod

[norajane]

His chances are zero if he hasn't started looking for a job. And he isn't serious about moving back if he hasn't looked. And he's not serious about marrying you if he hasn't proposed.

 

YOu have to look at his actions, not his words, in order to determine what's going on.

 

Discuss this with him seriously. Tell him what you want. And ask him what his thoughts are and what he's willing to do. If he won't DO anything, then he's not the one for you.

 

Without knowing where "here" and "there" are, nor what kind of job he has, we cannot begin to guess his chances of finding a job.

[Peacepod]

Thanks for your reply.

 

He is a sales operations manager with a wireless communication company. I know that he has looked around each time he's in town, including asking friends (when they see me they'll let me know they're still watching out for any jobs).

 

So far he's looking more toward any state, county or city jobs.