Can I Share My Story?

[whitelotus]

Hi All,

 

I am new to the community but I'm thrilled to find a place to read about others who are in my shoes. Here's my story if you don't mind me sharing.

 

I have been married for 4.5 years and dated my wife for 2.5 before that. We have been separated since May and my life has been out of control since. First of all, when she told me that she wanted a separation, I was totally blindsided. We never fought, were very amorous and were always the couple that everyone wanted to be like.

 

My wife is in graduate school to get her phD and during her second year, she began to challenge the popular beliefs and traditions with post-modern thought (as a good student is taught). Well, in this period of self-discovery, she began to change her life goals. She no longer wanted kids, she wanted to live in foreign countries and travel the world. She questioned her religious veiws and even once asked me "how does it feel to be married to a totally different person?"

 

Anyway, I tried not to let her leave but I couldn't so I moved out and we started our trial separation. We had date nights each week but I was so torn apart by the separation that I was in no shape to convince anyone that they should be with me. She finally made the decision that the separation was no longer trial later this summer. I was devastated. I wrote letters, sent flowers, emailed. I even got all decked out and bought her a new engagement ring and proposed to her in a gesture to start fresh. Nothing worked.

 

The bad part was that she said that she still loved me and knew that I loved her. She said that I was a great husband but she constantly lived in guilt that she couldn't be the wife I wanted since she didn't want kids and wanted to travel and was a workaholic. I tried my hardest to convince her that those things were not as important to me as us remaining together. I would also love to travel and I am not set on kids. She is so confused and just doesn't know who she is any more. She refused couples counselling but is seeing her own therapist.

 

Recently, I have stopped pressuring her and focused on just trying to be there for her and show her that the magic is still there. She calls more now and we even see each other about once a week. She has been really upset emotionally lately. She claims that it is stress from school but one night she asked me "is the old me worth getting back?"

 

I am holding on to hope as it is all that I have left. I desperately want my wife back and hopes that she finds herself soon and that who she finds still wants me in her life. She recently asked me if she could spend Christmas morning with me.

 

Please tell me that there is still hope. I can't bear the thought of life without her. I would do anything for her and without her I just feel numb inside. Any advice on how to cope?

[moimeme]

Oh my goodness! She's on an emotional roller-coaster and she's got you flapping along in the wind behind.

It does sound as though she may have just had a spate of being discontented with life in general which may be wearing off. It's hard to tell. What to do? Make sure you have a lot of support and then grit your teeth and hang on.

 

See what Christmas morning brings. Perhaps it will convince her that she'll want to spend every Christmas morning with you or perhaps not but it won't hurt to wait and see. She clearly has issues; this is out of your control, unfortunately. You can't solve her problem; all you can do is take care of you until she sorts herself out.

[quankanne]

she's getting counseling, which is good, but refused to go to join counseling, which is bad for the both of you. I get the feeling that she's putting herself first in everywhich way -- even asking to spend christmas morning with you to fulfill her needs -- and it doesn't sound good, in my book. If she has an ounce of care or respect for you, she'll consider the couples counselling to at least figure out what direction to take with your relationship. For now, it sounds like she knows she has you waiting for her no matter what kind of self-centered garbage she throws your way, and that's not good for you nor y'alls relationship. Love her, but dop't let her walk all over you.

[reservoirdog1]

I agree with quankanne. Given how much you love her, I think it's probably too hard for you to have to see her so much or spend so much time with her if she's not willing to try to work on the relationship.

 

I'd suggest telling her that you'd like to spend Christmas with her, but only in the context of trying to fix the marriage -- and that includes getting her commitment to go to joint counselling. Tell her that you're not ready to just be "friends" or whatever it is that she's trying to turn your relationship into -- it's too painful, and if she doesn't want to be married or try to stay married, then you need to distance yourself. If she's willing to work on it and go to counselling, then spending Christmas together is a good thing. If she's not, then I think it'll hurt too much.

[jenny]

the thrill of postmodernism might wear off.

 

this is actually a known syndrome, as you mentioned, among grad students - it's so intoxicating to realize how much of what we think we know is bull$hit, and oppressive bull$hit at that. but, like most muscular theories, it's limited and far too readily applied to one's personal life.

 

as noted, your wife may have been discontent already; but this also may run its course. i've known about 6 people who went through postmodernist angst and wanted to change their lives dramatically; myself included, but were distracted after a few years and a few excellent arguments.

 

conversely, however, it sounds like she has already made some important decisions without you. it may be time to move on to find a nice modernist or humanist girl who is willing to settle down.