Dating a man in an open marriage...

[Sabrina2009]

I wonder if I am fooling myself, and would appreciate any insights/thoughts...

 

Recently, I began a relationship wtih a MM. We actually found each other through an online ad looking for "friends with benefits." He told me the first time we talked that he was in an open marriage. I have since seen his wife's facebook page, which has many not-so-subtle hints about her dates with other boyfriends. I've heard them on the phone as well, where is is clear with her where he is at. So I'm not worried that he is lying to me about this.

 

I've also learned more about why they have this arrangement to begin with. Although from the sound of it, their marrige hasn't been all that great for the past 3 years, she cheated on him about 8 months ago, then suggested they open up the marriage. She now has two boyfriends that she sees regularly (one doesn't know about the other, evidently). I think his primary reason for agreeing to this is because they have a young child. She also doesn't work, and would not be able to support herself and the child without him.

 

What worries me is keeping it casual. I am the first person he has gotten involved with, and he has said he doesn't want multiple partners like his wife does. As we have gotten to know each other, it is clear that we not only have incredible sexual chemistry, we genuinely LIKE each other. We have common interests and opinions, and are equally likely to be curled up on the sofa talking as we are having wild sex.

 

I sought the FWB relationship because I have been working the traditional online dating sites for about a year, and hadn't met anyone I really wanted to be with. I thought some no-strings, no-drama fun was just what I needed. And for now, we are having a great time.

 

But he has already shown himself to be willing to provide emotional support (when I had some worrying health news) and I can see us both falling for each other in a major way. If we keep up the way we are going, I think one or both of us will want more.

 

I don't want to set myself up for heartbreak, but I can't bring myself to end the best sex EVER,and the most fun I've had in a very long time. Should I get out now, or ride it out and see where it goes?

[Fallen Angel]

Take your example from the Gingerbread man and run, run as fast as you can.

 

If you are already feeling that you could want more, then do what you need to do now to protect your heart. read the posts here from people in the OW position. IT SUCKS!

 

And it sounds like by agreeing to 'open' their marriage this way, they are saying to the world that there is no way they will be split up.

 

So if you can get out now before your heart is involved, i urge you to do so. You can find friends with benefits from a single man that may have a chance at more if you both want it.

 

Good luck.

[jwi71]

Oh boy.

 

You are NOT emotionally "geared" to be the OW...few are. Its not an insult. Simple what I see based on your post.

 

Your MM has clearly stated what this is. He has clearly stated WHY he won't leave up front. Know it, own it and accept it going forward. This means, you are a friend with benefits. Not a potential wife. Not a potential gf.

 

Like FA says...run run run.

 

This ends in heartbreak for you.

[CarrieT]

I was taken out for one of the best dates of my life by a man in a open relationship. He wanted me as one of his "playmates" and even offered to bring me home to introduce me to my wife.

 

I ran as fast as I could -- and he couldn't understand why.

 

Why? Because I want a man who will spend the night -- or the weekend -- without other commitments to another woman.

 

I have known people who are very happy as playmates of marrieds and I can't figure out why they would suffice with that; how can it ever go anywhere good? It can't. If you get emotionally involved, than there is the struggle of wanting something you can't have.

[OWoman]

I sought the FWB relationship because I have been working the traditional online dating sites for about a year, and hadn't met anyone I really wanted to be with.

 

This won't work, because it is not what you want. For you, FWB is a stopgap en route to finding a full-time, long-term partner.

 

That's not where he's at. He already has one of those. He's looking for a FWB.

 

You're wanting to change the terms of the agreement, and hoping he'll fall in with that. There's a very great chance he won't. You could try... but you risk a lot of pain and disappointment if he doesn't go along with your plan.

 

If you can't keep it light and straightforward, then get out before it's too late. He's offering hormones; your heart is not a appropriate exchange.

[fooled once]

I guess I have never understood the idea of sharing a man.

 

Yes, I was an OW for awhile, but in my defense he was separated and filing for divorce and living on his own for the first year. I never would have gotten involved had I known it was all bull crap.

 

I want my own man; I don't want to share and I sure as heck don't want him sleeping with anyone else, kissing anyone else, being intimate with anyone else. Sure, we can all buy the whole "they don't sleep together; they are just roommates" line but if the eyes are WIDE open ......

 

From what you write, you really don't want a MM. You want someone for you; you just haven't found it yet.

 

RUN Forrest RUN!

[skylarblue]

My first suggestion is to end it, because regardless of my own actions I think affairs are a suck thing to subject someone to and doesn’t say a lot (or maybe it does) about the APs. However, this guy isn’t having a “secret” A, so although my first response still is to get out now, it’s not simply because A suck. You say you don't want to set [yourself] up for heartbreak but can see us both falling for each other in a major way. You already think if we keep up the way we are going, one or both of us will want more. And since you’re already contemplating the possibility in things ("friends with benefits") changing and becoming more, most likely you will be the one falling and bringing yourself all the heartbreak you wanted to avoid. That being said… Should I get out now, or ride it out and see where it goes? Many would say to run before you get in too deep with emotions. Yet, they didn’t/don’t follow their own rational advice, so I have to say to each his own. If I felt (from your post) like you really only wanted to have a FWB, I’d say go balls to walls in enjoying the best sex EVER, and the most fun [you]'ve had in a very long time. Some people are geared for that kind of a R. You don’t seem to be. Even if you can ride out the FWB R emotionally and see where it goes there’s still the possibility of you becoming (for lack of a better word) “addicted” to the best sex EVER, and fun over time. How would that interfere with/in you pursuing a “real” R? Just some thoughts.

[whichwayisup]

He isn't looking to end his marriage or change his life. All he is putting out there is a fun time, sex and yeah abit of an emotional connection..But it isn't going to lead anywhere..

 

If you can handle that, enjoy it for what it's worth but DO NOT become too attached.

If you can't and feel that you're going to fall inlove with him, or hope/expect him to fall inlove with you, leave his wife and be with you, end it now.