and in pain after wife left me

[confusedmarc]

My wife and I are both 29 now. We got married in the summer of 2006, after having dated for almost 7 years, so we have been together for 10 years. We had a great first year of marriage; we were both happy/ecstatic to be finally living together. After that first year, on our 1st anniversary, my wife told me that she would help me train for my first marathon; something that I had been itching to do, but had never had the time. I thought that she was fabulous for training with me; i was always a runner and she never was, but she said she wanted to experience this with me. The training was difficult for her; she hated the long runs that would exhaust us on the weekends and hated the routine of running 5-6 days a week for 4 months. After the race was over, she distanced herself from me. She said that she needed to spend more time with her friends and not with me, because she felt that during the training she had devoted too much of her time to me and not to her other relationships. I got upset that she felt this way and we had a couple big fights over her staying out very late several nights a week over the next two months. But somehow things seemed to settle down and we seemed to get comfortable again with each other. Over the next year, we were happy, but not ecstatic. Then about a year ago, the same thing happened; she started saying that she was devoting too much time to me and needed to spend more time with her friends. I felt hurt. For the past 12 months, things only escalated. She spent more and more nights out with friends. And the more that she spent out, the more I got worried about the state of our marriage; I questioned her whether she was having an affair. She got very defensive and denied it. She says that I was too controlling and not trusting. 7 months ago, she told me that she no longer loved me and was thinking of leaving me. I was very hurt. I tried to be the best husband, taking time off from work to spend more time with her, writing her love notes, buying her flowers, buying her expensive gifts, taking her out to nice restaurants. I thought that maybe the stresses of household work mixed with her job were weighing her down, so I completely took over all the household work- cooking, cleaning, and doing laundry, prior to that, we had previously tried to split hosuehold work 50-50. But none of this helped. She distanced herself more from me and spent more nights outs with her coworkers and friends, and would travel to her parent's house on the weekends, leaving me at home mostly over the summer months. Finally, 7 weeks ago, she told me that she needed a separation. She did not explain why. She moved out and into her (female) friend's apartment. I told her that I still loved her and tried to give her the distance and separation she wanted. We finally met yesterday and she accused me of being a "verbally abusive spouse" who is too "controlling," because I questioned her about going out with her friends and questioned her about having an affair. She says that she feels "confused," but she feels that she is "happier without" me, because I am not "controlling her" now and she can do what she wants. I know that I haven't been a perfect or best husband and during our arguments I have said mean things to her, which were inexcusable. But I have always apologized immediately for my words. and I feel like i have been a good husband. I always expressed my appreciation for her and encouraged her; she also now says that I hurt her "self-esteem." She wants to pursue a divorce and says that she will start the paperwork. I feel like she has been neglectful of my heart and my needs. I can't say that i am shocked, but I am hurt and in the worse pain that I have ever felt, I still love her and would like to go back to the time where she loved me; she says she doesn't love me anymore. I just wanted to know if anyone had any ideas or thoughts?

[hopesndreams]

My idea is to start the D ball rolling, my thoughts are that she's been cheating on you with another man. Hanging with friends? Highly doubtful. Have you investigated?

[PortuguesePrincess80]

Ha sounds like me but the opposite. Mine just started being a prick for no reason..lol

Anyhow it sounds like she made a mistake in marrying you. Like many say on here..they were more in love with the fact of getting married than anything else. Now that she has the freedom like her single friends do shes wanting to explore more like they do. I don't believe for a single minute that she doesnt love you anymore...but what you have to do at this point is give her her space. Do NOT contact her and let the pieces fall into place. She will eventually see that the grass isnt greener on the other side and will come back crawling. Sometimes they see this when its too late. I feel for you and I'm sure you'll come out of it okay..but you just need to be strong and really DON'T CONTACT her whatsoever. Let her have a taste of the real world if that is in fact what she really wants. The minute you start healing and finding someone else..guess who will be crawling back. Then its your choice!