Author LisaUk Posted December 13, 2009 Author Share Posted December 13, 2009 I know, I don't know if he cheated or not, he kept talking about this women at work and then there was a weird incident last Christmas which he tried to explain away. I don't know. I read another thread and someone had posted about how those that suddenly leave have usually got someone to go to, made a lot of sense. I was thinking about it before, last night and today. I'm not sure he cheated, but I think he may have had his eye on her, maybe checked it out before he decided to go. Then again, maybe not, that would mean what he said a few weeks after he left about still loving me and not being sure he had made the right decision and he may change his mind if he missed me, that would then make no sense. OMG I am going out of my mind, I'm losing it totally. I should have been getting married in 5 days. The weather forcast just said snow! We never get snow, how perfect would that have been? Urgh, I just want to stop crying and be me again. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted December 13, 2009 Share Posted December 13, 2009 Lis, This man left you. Don't shed another tear for him, he is not worth it! You know that! Link to post Share on other sites
soheartbroken Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 I know, I don't know if he cheated or not, he kept talking about this women at work and then there was a weird incident last Christmas which he tried to explain away. I don't know. I read another thread and someone had posted about how those that suddenly leave have usually got someone to go to, made a lot of sense. I was thinking about it before, last night and today. I'm not sure he cheated, but I think he may have had his eye on her, maybe checked it out before he decided to go. Then again, maybe not, that would mean what he said a few weeks after he left about still loving me and not being sure he had made the right decision and he may change his mind if he missed me, that would then make no sense. OMG I am going out of my mind, I'm losing it totally. I should have been getting married in 5 days. The weather forcast just said snow! We never get snow, how perfect would that have been? Urgh, I just want to stop crying and be me again. Lisa, I don't really know what to say, but I'm here for you, and I'm listening. With the wedding date coming up it's no wonder that you're feeling how you're feeling. Please don't contact him. Give it more time. He could reject you again, like you said, and that would set you back a lot. Don't you have exams coming up? You may want to contact him one day but do it from a position of strength. He will sense that you're still "weak" right now (you're not weak by the way, you're hurting). If you contact him, it will just give you even more to dwell on (you will replay the conversation again and again; it will make things fresh again). And try not to think too much about the OW possibility. You won't find an answer by thinking about it. After all that time together, I don't think that it was simply an OW coming between you two. Anyway, perhaps you are just venting and not really about to contact him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted December 14, 2009 Author Share Posted December 14, 2009 Lisa, I don't really know what to say, but I'm here for you, and I'm listening. With the wedding date coming up it's no wonder that you're feeling how you're feeling.It's pants. (Brit expression, hope you all understand it) Please don't contact him. Give it more time. He could reject you again, like you said, and that would set you back a lot. Don't you have exams coming up? You may want to contact him one day but do it from a position of strength. He will sense that you're still "weak" right now (you're not weak by the way, you're hurting). If you contact him, it will just give you even more to dwell on (you will replay the conversation again and again; it will make things fresh again). And try not to think too much about the OW possibility. You won't find an answer by thinking about it. After all that time together, I don't think that it was simply an OW coming between you two.What then, he just hated me? He planned a wedding with me b/c he hated me and was unhappy? What if he had been cheating on me for years, plenty of business trips away? I don't know SHB, I doubt it, I think CP is at the root of this, but what do I know, I thought he loved me and we were getting married this Friday. Anyway, perhaps you are just venting and not really about to contact him. Not going to contact him, no point. Thanks for listening SHB. Link to post Share on other sites
Crusoe Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 he is a fantastic person, that's why I loved him maybe I am just uselss and worthless just like he said I was when he left. We see in others what we have in ourselves. Link to post Share on other sites
nobmagnet Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 i wish you lived nearer me in the midlands. I have room for you here. keep strong he really is a contol freak like your mum. Given time you will have self worth back am you will feel alive again. I amso sorry you have such a big date coming up butif you have the strenghth get out party and smile.........even if you dont feel it! allmy love neet xx fellow brit Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted December 14, 2009 Author Share Posted December 14, 2009 Thanks to both of you. Means so much. I'm just emotionally numb tonight, don't know what to post, lets see what tomorrow brings..... Night all. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted December 15, 2009 Share Posted December 15, 2009 What then, he just hated me? He planned a wedding with me b/c he hated me and was unhappy? What if he had been cheating on me for years, plenty of business trips away? I don't know SHB, I doubt it, I think CP is at the root of this, but what do I know, I thought he loved me and we were getting married this Friday. Stay strong Lis, and quit putting the blame on yourself before I fly over there to talk some sense into you! I know this hurts Lis, but you need to stay strong and remember all the strength you've found and all that you have learned over the time I've known you. This is when you need it most. Don't torture yourself with the what ifs Lisa, it dosen't matter. He walked, he gave up the best thing he will ever have in his life and some day he is going to know that,but by then you will be deleriously happy with someone who is actually worthy of your love.....and knows how to return it. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted December 15, 2009 Author Share Posted December 15, 2009 Thanks Tojaz, but I don't think he sees it that way or that he ever will. I went over the letter he sent me again today, turns out this is all my fault for having strong opinions,("most of which have been your opinion as long as I have known you") (18 yrs), he said he felt we weren't compatible had differing opinions on fundemental issues about how we wanted to live our lives (his words). My fault, only myself to blame. I hate myself so much. Link to post Share on other sites
broken hearted Posted December 15, 2009 Share Posted December 15, 2009 Lisa....NO, NO, NO!!! This is not true at all! You are not to blame. My stbx told me the same things, I was to blame for everything, I treated him horribly, he did nothing wrong, I was controlling, judgmental, emotionally abusive, etc, etc, etc. He brainwashed me into believing this crap all so he could justify his leaving and his affair. I have FINALLY come to understand that I am not to blame, I was not a horrible wife. You, Lisa, are an incredible woman and your ex was extremely lucky to have you. Believe me, one day HE WILL regret this when he sees or hears how happy you are making someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted December 16, 2009 Share Posted December 16, 2009 +1 to what Broken Hearted said. Lisa, it's a script they all say. My exh did the exact same thing. Everything was my fault. Controlling, judgmental, abusive, selfish, all i did was take take take and all he did was give give give. Absolutely TOTAL BS! Lisa, he needs to believe that. Otherwise, how could he walk away from an 18 year relationship? He HAS to villainize you, otherwise he'd have to look within himself and take responsibility for his own actions. If your ex had a real problem with your opinions, then he should have been MAN enough to say it. If he really had an issue, he should have stood up to you. He's a grown up just like you are. Instead, he took the chicken way out, kept quiet, and then used that as an excuse to leave and to shut you up. You wont blame him as long as you keep blaming yourself. And he gets to walk away "guilt" free because now in both of your minds it's your fault. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted December 16, 2009 Share Posted December 16, 2009 Thanks Tojaz, but I don't think he sees it that way or that he ever will. I went over the letter he sent me again today, turns out this is all my fault for having strong opinions,("most of which have been your opinion as long as I have known you") (18 yrs), he said he felt we weren't compatible had differing opinions on fundemental issues about how we wanted to live our lives (his words). My fault, only myself to blame. I hate myself so much. Your absolutely right Lisa! All you have to do is swear to never have your own opinions and give up on your personal values! Then I'm sure he would take you back!!!!.... .... but what kind of life would that be? Are you really willing to give up yourself, your values, your very identity to have a man that didn't treat you very well back in your life? I sure hope not!!!! That would truly be a waste of an amazing woman. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted December 16, 2009 Share Posted December 16, 2009 Lisa....NO, NO, NO!!! This is not true at all! You are not to blame. My stbx told me the same things, I was to blame for everything, I treated him horribly, he did nothing wrong, I was controlling, judgmental, emotionally abusive, etc, etc, etc. He brainwashed me into believing this crap all so he could justify his leaving and his affair. I have FINALLY come to understand that I am not to blame, I was not a horrible wife. You, Lisa, are an incredible woman and your ex was extremely lucky to have you. Believe me, one day HE WILL regret this when he sees or hears how happy you are making someone else. Good for you Broken. Nice to see you finding your strength! TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted December 16, 2009 Share Posted December 16, 2009 I never thought I had a self esteem problem... I've always been quite sure of myself and proud... but I have now... I have realised this recently and it's been quite shocking... after been "rejected" by my parents (violent father and ice-cold mother), I was craving LOVE and I thought I found it when I met my wife... this love, wanting to be loved that always escaped me, stayed with me only 5 years... I suppose people search for what they know and I found a woman that behaved like my mother... ice cold! Now, I've been rejected again... it's so hard and difficult, but we must remember that we are good people and that we will deal with it and we will win. So, Lisa, stop beating yourself up and be proud of yourself. You will win. Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted December 16, 2009 Share Posted December 16, 2009 Not sure if this applies here, but I read an ebook over the weekend that I ordered online. You can google Breaking up with a Narcissitic Man and it should come right up as the first link. It was definitely an eye-opener for me with alot of OMG moments. It really described my marriage and helped me to see why I began to hate myself in it, why I felt like everything was a competition with my husband and why I felt so alone all the time even while married. There is also a bonus book that advises on how to break the spell of loving someone like this, a person who blames you for everything and never sees their responsibility in the hurt they cause. Lisa, I think you may have been the one to have mentioned that my STBXH might be narcisstic in one of my earlier posts. Thank you for that, had you not mentioned it, I might not have looked more into it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted December 16, 2009 Author Share Posted December 16, 2009 (edited) Thanks everyone who replied, your support means more than you could ever know right now. My emotions are all over the place, one minute I'm down the next up, I'm a b******y mess! Broken, it's good to hear you sounding much stronger. Gitto thank you for your kind words and understanding. Trippi, I'm not sure if it was me, it may have been, but I am glad you have found something to help you. +1 to what Broken Hearted said. Lisa, it's a script they all say. My exh did the exact same thing. Everything was my fault. Controlling, judgmental, abusive, selfish, all i did was take take take and all he did was give give give. Absolutely TOTAL BS! Lisa, he needs to believe that. Otherwise, how could he walk away from an 18 year relationship? He HAS to villainize you, otherwise he'd have to look within himself and take responsibility for his own actions. If your ex had a real problem with your opinions, then he should have been MAN enough to say it. Dgirl, this is what worries me, that I am such a nasty b****h a, he was afraid to tell me? But then other times I think of how he was with me 18 years and if I was that bad surely he would have gone a long time ago? I also recall times he did express to me that he had a problem with me and we worked through that, he even said we had after he left, so if he couldn't talk to me how did he then? If he really had an issue, he should have stood up to you. He's a grown up just like you are. Instead, he took the chicken way out, kept quiet, and then used that as an excuse to leave and to shut you up. You wont blame him as long as you keep blaming yourself. And he gets to walk away "guilt" free because now in both of your minds it's your fault. Tojaz, I don't think even if I did that he would come back? But I would have done anything for him. Probably still would. Well, like I said I am up and down at the moment, right now I am in more an up, I feel bi-bolar! I'm going out with uni friends tomorrow night, bar hopping, last day of semester, I refuse to sit crying into my beer, I WILL HAVE FUN!!!!!!!!!! I'm single, gonna enjoy it! (If I can find the courage ). Will check in Friday THE DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Urgh. Hope everyone else is doing well. Lisa x PS Dgirl, Giotto and trippi, I added you all to my contacts if you want to put my face to my name. Edited December 16, 2009 by LisaUk Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted December 18, 2009 Author Share Posted December 18, 2009 Well, today should have been my wedding day. What can I say? I spent last night/the early hours of this morning in a bar having my confidence and self esteem boosted by the attention of a few men in their early 20's, who were not detered by either my age or my situation. A real eye opener. It helped, of course they were too young for me to take any of it as a serious propersition, but still, it's nice to be found attractive and told you are. As for thoughts of the ex, well maybe last night helped and it may be a temporary effect (hopefully not), but when I thought about it today, the thoughts of standing at that alter with him did NOT feel right. Something is different, not sure what but I knew it was not the same way I felt before, it would not be right for me now, nit after what he did to me, whatever his "reasons" were. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted December 18, 2009 Share Posted December 18, 2009 Funny, I seem to remember someone saying all of that would happen.......not to toot my own horn or anything. MEEP MEEP! Good for you Lis, keep it up! TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted December 18, 2009 Share Posted December 18, 2009 Well, today should have been my wedding day. What can I say? I spent last night/the early hours of this morning in a bar having my confidence and self esteem boosted by the attention of a few men in their early 20's, who were not detered by either my age or my situation. A real eye opener. It helped, of course they were too young for me to take any of it as a serious propersition, but still, it's nice to be found attractive and told you are. Girl you are a knockout! You've been in a relationship for a very long time, it's about time you enjoy the attention from the men again! Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted December 19, 2009 Share Posted December 19, 2009 See, no worthlessness Lisa, you are gorgeous and every bit of deserving to be wanted and loved. Walk in the world of knowing that because it is an awesome world. ;) Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted December 19, 2009 Author Share Posted December 19, 2009 Girl you are a knockout! You've been in a relationship for a very long time, it's about time you enjoy the attention from the men again! Hi Dgirl I never had this before, I was wih the ex from age 15, although I had a couple of boyfriends before him and a bit of teenage attention, I've never experienced male attention like this before. It's nice to know some find me attractive and want to get to know me, even if some of them are just looking to score! Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted December 19, 2009 Share Posted December 19, 2009 Hi Dgirl I never had this before, I was wih the ex from age 15, although I had a couple of boyfriends before him and a bit of teenage attention, I've never experienced male attention like this before. It's nice to know some find me attractive and want to get to know me, even if some of them are just looking to score! You're going to have fun! It's the best thing for your self esteem and the best thing about being single again. You get to choose who you want to spend your time with Like my mom told me, "Go out, date a lot of men and have lots of fun! ummm... Just not TOO much fun with all of them!" Link to post Share on other sites
nobmagnet Posted December 19, 2009 Share Posted December 19, 2009 whey hey! lisa you are a star that has hidden her stellafuse for far too long................look at you shine now??!! all the best hey intit cold?? neetx Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted December 19, 2009 Author Share Posted December 19, 2009 whey hey! lisa you are a star that has hidden her stellafuse for far too long................look at you shine now??!! all the best hey intit cold?? neetx Hi neet Thanks, I am having fun! Yes it's cold! I was out in a tiny top the other night - FREZZING! LOL Link to post Share on other sites
nobmagnet Posted December 19, 2009 Share Posted December 19, 2009 hey worth it tho!!!! hope you had tights on.......nothing worse than beefburger legs! xx Link to post Share on other sites
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