carra Posted December 18, 2003 Share Posted December 18, 2003 hi, i have posted my situation with my hubby of 1 year already, but just to update, he seperated from me about five months ago, which we have been communicating and seing eachother for unsettles issues, like helping me move. recently however, i have changed my cell number so he can't call me, and i have left a msg on his cell phone not to call me at work anymore. i refuse to contact him, because it hurts me too much to hear his voice. am i being to harsh? or should i just leave the situation as is, and maybe he will become curious, or miss me? or am i further driving a wedge between us? just a thought, but can the holiday season give a man mixed emotions? always seems to happen around the fall time hmmmm.... Link to post Share on other sites
Trixie49 Posted December 18, 2003 Share Posted December 18, 2003 If you have children together, it is imperitive that you keep contact - for the sake of your children. If you don't have children, I don't see any harm in ceasing contact. If that's what you both want to do and that is what makes things easier, then go for it. Just do what makes you happy. Good luck and try to keep your chin up. I know these things are hard, but it will work out in time. Link to post Share on other sites
NotaBadGuy Posted December 18, 2003 Share Posted December 18, 2003 Carra, sorry to hear about your situation. It has to be especially tough for you being the holidays and all. I am a man in the same sort of situation. Married in May...wife filed for divorce last week...seeing other man. I have severed all contact. She wanted to still be friends with me because I was always going to be an important part of her life or something like that. Its tough, don't get me wrong. I sat by the phone for some time waiting to see if she would call or send me an email. Every time she called at first, it was to tell me what a bad person was or how I was to blame for the situation or how she forgot something at the house. The problem is, we all make decisions on out OWN free will. Noone makes us do anything. Maybe he will miss you more for not wanting contact with him. Maybe it will push him further away. In the end, you have to take care of your needs. He has made decisions on his own free will as you have too. Changing your cell number is a big step because it may have been his only way of contacting you outside of work - which it seems you have taken care of too. If you have kids, then this may not be the best approach. But if you don't, then do something for yourself. That is what I have figured out I am going to do. I thought so badly that I needed her around to make me happy...but come to find out, I make me happy or I make me miserable. I know it is easier said than done. I battle day to day with it. But you cannot let it conquer you. Once you get on your feet and taking steps again, the guy may show up again....seems like they have the tendency to do that. Should that happen, you need to sit back and ask yourself what can this give me that I don't have on my own already? I may have to do the same. Love is a powerful thing. I don't have the answers and do not even want to pretend that I do. Just my thoughts. As for the question about the holiday season and a man having mixed emotions (around fall), you may need to ask the question a different way because I got sort of lost in the question. I will answer though. Maybe you might have some helpful insight for me. See under this same forum the post on Tyrying to understand....How can someone let go so easy. Good luck and always keep your head up. Link to post Share on other sites
carra Posted December 18, 2003 Share Posted December 18, 2003 sorry guys, i just reread what i posted and found a mistake. my hubby and i have been seperated for five weeks, not five months, my apologies, guess i was really tired when i wrote my msg. anyway, thanx for writing back. i dont have any kids, not evena pet! my hubby lives with his father's family. i don't know if he ever loved me, if he claims he doesn't anymore, because true love doesn't just go away. i think maybe he is just enjoying his freedom right now, and maybe later it will hit him what he has done, i don"t know. notabadguy- i read about your situation, and i totally feel for you, your wife sounds immature and, like my husband, she is being very selfish. i hope your wife realizes sooner rather than later, what a great husband you are and come crawling back to you on hands and knees! also, what i meant about men having mixed emotions around the holidays, was that a lot of men seem to become distant, or want some space from their ladies. Link to post Share on other sites
NotaBadGuy Posted December 18, 2003 Share Posted December 18, 2003 Carra, I also believe true love just does not fade away into the sunset. I believe my wife truly loved me at one point, but I think she lived in a fantasy world about marriage and thinking it is supposed to be this perfect situation. She ran to another at the first sign of trouble or discomfort. Hopefully your man is not that way. He does sound immature like my wife in so many instances. The freedom and what the world has to offer is overrated. My wife is heading down the road of self destruction. Before she left me, I told her this and she replied that I did not know what I was talking about. I told her it is a road you usually do not know you are traveling on until you hit the end of it. I know, I've been there. But she said she isn't doing anything wrong and she is a big girl who can handle herself. So be it. Its been about 2 weeks for any sort of contact with her. I probably will never hear from her again. But I have to stick with the no contact rule. As for the men and mixed emotions about the holidays, I don't know. I sort of have the same impression about women. I've always been under the impression that the distance and space issue always seems to appear when it begins to warm up. But I may be wrong. I think for my wife, it has nothing to do with the season as it has to do with this loser taking advantage of her when she was vulnerable or her for putting herself in that position. Talk is cheap though. I guess there's never a wrong time to do the right thing. That is clearly not what has happened here. I doubt I will ever see my wife come back crawling on her knees or wake up to reality. One day she will. But I don't count on seeing it. You should do the same. If your husband is acting anything like my wife (showing no remorse of any sort and thinking life is just this game that revolves around them), then beat him by not seeing you down on the ground. Be wary if he does show back up. Men have a way of saying just the right things at just the right times and then returning to the same old ways. Good luck and keep me posted. Link to post Share on other sites
carra Posted December 20, 2003 Share Posted December 20, 2003 notabadguy-ithink you're right about our spouse's living in a fantasy world about the way relationships and marriage should be. i think once the holidays are over, maybe they will relalize what they have been missing, maybe not. the only feeling i have toward my hubby right now is pitty. what about you notabadguy, do you still feel strongly in love with your spouse? for me it gets easier with each day. Link to post Share on other sites
NotaBadGuy Posted December 22, 2003 Share Posted December 22, 2003 Carra, thats a good question. I can say that I feel in love with my wife and totally care about the girl. But what she has done is wrong. She has taken the institution of marriage and all the morals that I believe in, as did she, and tossed then to the wayside for this instant gratification. I am a man of high integrity and take relationships and commitment very seriously. I have been out of town the last few days (reason for the late response) and have had soem time to think about things. It is tough being in the same town as she is because I know it is only a matter of time before i run into her and maybe her and the other guy. I don't know how I will react. I will probably turn around and walk the other way. Thats all I know to do. I have an excellent support group with some of my friends who were groomsmen in my wedding. The sad part is, no one I know ever saw any of this coming. I do pitty my wife because she will eventually be hurt. I truely believe that if you burn the candle on both ends that you will be burnt. Who knows how long that will take, but I know a lot of guys are dogs. This guy she is seeing would always brag about how many women he had ben with (30+). If that is any indication to what kind of person he is, then she has her blinders on. I don't want to see her get hurt. I really don't. And thats even after everything she was put me through. I am just not that kind of person. Is that wrong? At times I just wish I had no feeling at all about the situation, but then realize that if I didn't, then someting would be wrong with me. I have these feelings because I am the person who cares and the person who took his marital vows seriously. Once the holidays are over, who knows what will happen. I think that once the newness of my wife's situation wears off and this guy gets tired of being with her all the time, then she may wake up or move on to the next. I only wanted to give her what she deserved - the best. Instead, she chose to go out and search for what I could not temporarily give her at that instant. See, I am in graduate school. It is intense and always was - even when we were dating. I graduate in May and this was known and understood when we married. I always told her that this will be tough until school is over and I can financially support us. She knew this. What do you do to make it easier every day for you? Do you have something inparticular or is it just time in general? What is the current status of your situation? Any different? Keep in touch and keep me updated. Remember to keep your head up. Link to post Share on other sites
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