Wife wants a Divorce... It's over...

[bobjones2399]

Hey everyone, been reading some post on here and found some helpful information but could use a little more.

 

Here's what I am going through...

I'm 31, my wife is 27. We have been married for just over two years now but been together for over 5. We have no kids but two dogs. We lived together before we were married and everything seamed fine. After we got married, something changed. I am not sure if it changed in me, her, or both of us. We had our share of problems that I thought to be normal especial when we were newlyweds. The problems and fights continued and repeated themselves. Most of the fights were not worth fighting over but they happened anyways. About six months ago I came home from work and there was a letter on the counter. It said our marriage was in serious trouble and if something didn't change soon, it would be over. When she got home, we sat down and had a long talk about where we needed to go. We had a serious lack of connection. After that, we fought now and again but it seamed to me that we were working on things. We still had a connection issue (not being as connected as a husband and wife should), but I thought things were getting better.

 

In mid October, one of her family members got cancer and she went home to help out and provide moral support (about 1,000 miles away). We talked every day and tried to stay as connected as we could. Two week ago my wife told me she wanted a separation. I was obviously upset and hurt and wanted to know why. She said that she was not happy anymore and didn't know who she had become. After all of the fighting and emotional ups and downs, she said that she loves me but is not in love with me anymore. I was worried. All this time away from each other, I thought affair... We may have issues but I know my wife and when she tells me that there is no one else, I honestly believe her. She is not like that. A few days went by with little contact between us. I called her and pleaded to get back together. I suggested marriage counseling, driving down to spend time with her, anything that could help. She said that the damage had been done and she wanted a divorce. My world fell apart... I went through an emotional roller costar. I didn't know what to do. I started journaling and free writing. Focusing on things that I needed focus on to help our relationship work. The journal and free writing helped me look back at the last couple years. I noticed signs and remembered things that I should have noticed at the time but did not. Things I should have picked up on and changed. What a fool I was. I was emotional disconnected from her for so long... I am so upset with myself for not being there for her when she needed me. I'm not saying that I'm totally to blame and she would say the same if you could ask her. Instead of being partners helping each other, we somehow became partners in unhappiness. I too had become unhappy. I told her I understood the decision and was willing to accept it. We had hardly talked this last week or so except for a few texts about bills and small talk since she said the D word... Divorce.

 

Tonight I called her and told her I was torn... One part of me said: If she wants the divorce to be happy and find her self again, I would give it to her. The other part of me says: We are still married and we vowed through thick and thin... How could I give up and let her give up on the marriage? What were the chances that we could work through our problems and get back together? She said there is no chance. I was hoping for 1 in a million or a miracle. ZERO. Again, I said I loved her and would do anything. She said if you would do anything, let me go and move on. There has been to much fighting and hurt to ever get back to our loving and connected roots. I thought of the meatloaf song... I would do anything for love but I wont do that... How could I? Turn my back on her? She means the world to me. My life is built around her. Where we live, the crazy work hours I put in for our future plans and goals... Everywhere I look I see her and things we have done together. She said that again it is about me and I'm not listening to her and don't care about her feelings. This is what she wanted and I needed to let go. We stayed on the phone for a while. She wouldn't hang up and said that it had to be me that did it. I was the one that wouldn't let go and I need to hang up and move on. It was hard but I did. I told her if she ever wanted to talk she could call me (I know she won't). I told her that I was sorry that I had caused her so much hurt throughout the relationship. She apologized too for all of the things she she did and said. I told her that I loved her and would miss her. Then we got off the phone... I had planned two weeks of vacation to spend with her and her family over the holidays. I am now uninvited.

 

I gave her my word that I wouldn't bother her or try to contact her unless it was something urgent. I don't know how much my word means to her but I will hold to it. We have been off the phone for just over two hours now and I don't know what I am going to do. I'm lost. I pray for a miracle and she will change her mind but I know that it is not going to happen. It is over and there is nothing I can do or say to change it. I know there is always two sides to every story but I feel hopeless.

 

What do I do?

[confused71]

Welcome to ls bob.

Sorry for what you are going through.

It must be hard for you being so far away and your mind must be racing wondering what she is up to.

 

But from now on no more begging and pleading or saying I love you because speaking from experience this will have opposite the desired effect on your wife and drive her away .

In fact its better to act like you are moving on without her and go No contact.She may then start thinking she is going to lose you and have second thoughts.

 

I am very suspicious about her being so far away and suddenly not wanting you to spend the holidays with her .I suspect there may be someone else involved but hopefully this is not the case.

[bobjones2399]

I know what you mean. I had tried not to call her and seam desperate but things were weighing on me. It's hard for me to believe that she has given up on us.

 

 

 

As far as someone else.... I have been very suspicious since but there has

 

been no history of it and I believe her. Hopefully I am not wrong on this one.

[tnttim]

First, all those feelings your having are natural. We all went through them. Your relationship died and your in mourning. You'll go through all the steps and it will take time. Now listen closely, how you act right now weighs greatly on your future. Read the 180 post, it's your new bible. Do not call her at all, no contact, or NC for short. Go out and do ****, anything, just try to have fun, it seems unlikely I know but you'd be surprised. Do not dwell on the past, or the future right now, think day by day. Take care of yourself physically, and mentally. You will likely eat way less and lose weight, so drink juices and v8's to stay healthy. If you can muster it up. go workout. When your ready talk to some woman, get back out there. Try to make new friends, and start new hobbies. Don't waiver at work, keep your personal life personal. Good luck

[whichwayisup]

Sorry you're hurting..

 

I really hope there's noone else.

 

All you can do is work on you, give her time and space, maybe she'll miss you and realize that the marriage is worth saving.

[bobjones2399]

Thank you for your thoughts. Where might I find the 180 post?

[bobjones2399]

Looked at the phone records. I never payed attention to them. I trusted her. Why would I look. She has been calling her old friend (male) since at least early October. She started talking to him before she told me she was going home to help her family. We hadn't been sleeping at the same times because different work schedules. While I was asleep she was talking to him up to 7 hours at a time. Looked at the recent activity. She is still staying up all night and talking to him. 5 hours the other night... I am going through all of this and it looks like she lied to me and is moving on. Thought she was supposed to be helping her family.

 

I remember when we use to talk like that. She must be falling for him. I am destroyed. I haven't talked to her about it. I'm not going to. No reason to fight anymore. It hurts bad though. Is she on the rebound? Guess its none of my business anymore. I need to find a lawyer and move on.

[soheartbroken]

Looked at the phone records. I never payed attention to them. I trusted her. Why would I look. She has been calling her old friend (male) since at least early October. She started talking to him before she told me she was going home to help her family. We hadn't been sleeping at the same times because different work schedules. While I was asleep she was talking to him up to 7 hours at a time. Looked at the recent activity. She is still staying up all night and talking to him. 5 hours the other night... I am going through all of this and it looks like she lied to me and is moving on. Thought she was supposed to be helping her family.

 

I remember when we use to talk like that. She must be falling for him. I am destroyed. I haven't talked to her about it. I'm not going to. No reason to fight anymore. It hurts bad though. Is she on the rebound? Guess its none of my business anymore. I need to find a lawyer and move on.

 

I'm really sorry that you're having to find this stuff out.

 

What the hell is wrong with people? Why can't people control themselves?

 

Again, I'm very sorry for what you're going through.

[imagine]

Quit after you have properly tried. To quote Winston Churchill "Never give up. Never ever give up"

 

Contact a marriage councillor that works. There are many duds. Some folk in the States recommend going to the MB weekend course. I have no personnel experience - I don't live there. Ask posters to recommend one near to your home.

 

Oh and you would not be the first to absolutely trust his wife to find his trust betrayed.

[scorpmale001]

let her go, no Christmas, nothing....do not call/answer her calls...find every evidence u could find(if it is helpful)....otherwise leave for a long trip....next time when you meet her it should be for serving...

[bobjones2399]

Been doing more reading and ran across something called an emotional affair. Maybe that is what is going on here. Over time we lost that spark in our relationship. All the conversations with the old friend. She is getting something out of it that I cant give her anymore. If that's what it is, I wonder if she even knows it.

 

I will stay true to the no contact. I am still heartbroken and want her back though. Maybe I don't fully understand the implications of an emotional affair but as long as she hasn't slept with the guy... am I wrong here?

 

Think I am going through some grieving things here.

[silic0ntoad]

Even if she hasn't slept with him, she is putting you, HER HUSBAND, second, to another man. Come on bro, you know what I mean.

 

I wouldn't talk to her period. Or see her. Or hope of getting back with her. Not only did she shatter your world, but your trust, your bond, and HER VOWS.

 

The next time (and last time) I would see her? Serve her @$$ papers and disappear.

[Steadfast]

 

Been doing more reading and ran across something called an emotional affair. Maybe that is what is going on here. Over time we lost that spark in our relationship. All the conversations with the old friend. She is getting something out of it that I cant give her anymore. If that's what it is, I wonder if she even knows it.

 

I will stay true to the no contact. I am still heartbroken and want her back though. Maybe I don't fully understand the implications of an emotional affair but as long as she hasn't slept with the guy... am I wrong here?

 

Think I am going through some grieving things here.

 

 

Yes, you are grieving. Hard as this is to accept, it's a totally different demographic when a woman cheats and wants out. 99.9% of the time their mind is made up well before you even know what's happening.

 

Right now, you need to listen to the simple advise you've been given here. Your wife does not want to see you because she's into someone else. That's 'cheating' on him, as cold and horrible as that sounds. Plus, she is dealing with guilt from lying, her damaged self-esteem, uncertainty...

 

1) Don't call or contact

2) If she contacts you, listen carefully and don't let yourself be played

3) Only agree to see her upon a full confession and commitment

4) Remember: actions speak louder than words

5) See a lawyer

 

If your marriage can be saved, not following the above will remove all chances. This is a critical time. How you act and react will leave a lifetime impression regarding you on her; no matter what happens to your marriage, no matter how many men she sees. Show her who you are.

 

Sleep, eat, exercise, etc, and keep us posted-

[bobjones2399]

Thank you for the advice. I had been doing some reading about it elsewhere and you are totally right. If she would have focused all of that energy on our relationship, we might not be in this mess. Or the mess wouldn't be this bad. Your right about something else too. Me being uninvited from the holidays is a clear signal.

 

I kinda broke the no contact but it was brief. Wasn't sure she even realized what was going on here. I sent a text yesterday right after the emotional affair posting. I won't call or text again.

 

Text.... "I think you are having an emotional affair with your Chicago friend. Look it up. Don't contact me unless its urgent"

 

I probably could have worded it better. I haven't heard anything back. I don't expect to. I probably shouldn't even have sent it but I did. For all I know she deleted it before reading it.

 

Even if she gets pissed at me about it, its not going to change the fact that we are getting a divorce. If she realizes whats going on and wants to retry, I will follow the advice posted above. I think the only way that I would even consider allowing our relationship to continue is if I got a phone call... I'm at the airport come pick me up we need to talk.... Then a lot of marital counseling and time. Even then... I would be tempted to look at the phone records and such to see. I don't know if I could live with her and try to rebuild with that trust missing.

 

Thanks again for your advice on this. It has been really helping me.

[michelangelo]

Protect yourself financially at the very least.

 

Of course she's cheating. Seven hour phone calls?

 

I'd really be interested in seeing if the relative had cancer and how much consoling she was doing.

 

Be very cynical.

[bobjones2399]

I have been doing a lot of thinking. All of the red flags I should have noticed. I am pissed off at her. I am angry. Why the F would she do this and not just come out and tell me the truth. Instead I am piecing it together from red flag memories and behaviors. If she said hey I'm having feelings for someone else, I would have listened, tried counseling, tried something.

 

Now I want nothing to do with her.

 

Ahhhh want to scream... I'm pissed. F*** her. I never want see or hear from her again.

[curiou]

Women and men are strange. By the time you get to the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" speech, the wayward spouse is emotionally long-gone.

 

Life is fickle and we can only safeguard ourselves by trying to be thoughtful, engaging, respectful partners. Even then, spouses can betray us. but if you've lived with love and honor to the best of your ability, you can look back after some time and be proud of how you acted during and after the marriage!

[bobjones2399]

I never stepped out. Physically or emotionally. It's not a matter of being proud of it. It's just not me. I may have not been as emotionally connected to my wife as I should have been lately but I NEVER stepped out.

[curiou]

Does she know that you know?

[bobjones2399]

I was paying the bills at the first of the month like normal. I logged into pay the phone bill and noticed we were getting near our limit on minutes for the plan we have. I saw that she was talking to someone a lot and didn't recognize the phone number. I hadn't gone back and looked at the history by then. I asked her about it and she said it was an old friend. Male friend I might add.

 

After I looked at the records and saw the patterns... look back at the older post. I sent her a text.

 

Text.... "I think you are having an emotional affair with your Chicago friend. Look it up. Don't contact me unless its urgent"

 

Other than that I haven't talked to her. She is smart. If she looked it up she knows that i know. I am not going to talk to her.

 

---Add on

She started talking to him during the day too... that's what pushed the minutes higher. When she was here she was only talking to him at night. Those calls don't count towards our daytime minutes.

Edited December 12, 2009 by bobjones2399
minutes

[bobjones2399]

Odiously I was upset earlier... I have calmed down. Everyone is allowed their feelings including her...

 

Is it wrong of me?... Unconditional love... she is my wife... I had relationships before her and if it doesn't work out I will have to move on... I wanted/want no one else. She is the only one I ever asked to marry me. I pushed her away. I accept that. I blame her but I don't at the same time. It takes two...

 

If she still wants it, that's what I offer. I'm not saying we don't still need some serious counseling or have some real problems.

 

I vowed...

 

That's what I feel deep down.... I love my wife... Unconditional love.

 

If only she felt the same way... Without contacting her and pushing her further away, how do I tell her that without letting her off easy for this sh*t storm we are in. What happened is not ok... but that's what I feel... Help... Pray... Post...

 

What do I do?

[bobjones2399]

Sh*t I sound like a nut case... I just reread my entire thread. Ups and downs. Probably normal but shouldn't be in public like this. Still I am all over the place. I do love her.

 

Unconditional.... I know what we have been through and I feel partly responsible. If I were in her shoes, that's what I would want. It can't be that easy for her though... If it were it, her actions would be considered alright.

[2sunny]

i'm sorry for your pain.

 

i'd be checking any money you two have together. she may have moved it... if she hasn't - you need to move it now, or you may find that she disappears with all of it.

 

then turn off her phone and quit paying any of her bills. if she intends to walk away like she says, she needs to take care of herself while you get the divorce finalized.

 

tell her she can figure out how the Chicago guy can pay for her bills if she can't.

[Gunny376]

Try! Try! And then TRY again!

 

Then QUIT!

No use in making a fool of yourself!

Of course she's scrogging the guy from back in the day in high school!

 

1 + 1 = 2

[tnttim]

If you want her back, I can help you. I'm reconcilling right now, and it's harder than when she was gone. I'll help you get to where I'm at right now but answer these questions first.

1. Do you love her?

2. Can you handle the fact she cheated on you?

3. Can you figure out the part you played in driving her away?

4. Can you follow easy directions?

If you answered yes and want my help, I'll help you.