"Love" vs. "In Love".....how to know?

[Baileykeg]

I've spent hours staring at the screen trying to figure out what to say and how to explain how hurt, lost and frustrated I am right now. I can't put my finger on one thing and say "that's it" as to why I'm not sure whether I am "in love" with my husband anymore.

 

A little background. We met 20 years ago in high school. We had a special connection and an amazing physical spark. A "seeing fireworks" when we were together type of spark. We were young though and didn't pursue a relationship. Instead we stayed friends and kept in touch through our mutual friends for all of these years. We both went our own way but always maintained the feeling that there was "something special" between us. I had a child from another relationship and he married someone else. That marriage failed and our paths crossed again about 4 years ago when he was going through his separation. We realized that our special spark was still there and began dating. It was a long, emotional rollercoaster in the beginning dealing with his divorce, doubts about the divorce, and then certaintly that we belonged together. We married almost a year ago.

 

Our marriage has been good. We have wonderful friends and both of our families live near by. We travel and spend lots of time together. My son (who is 5) has bonded with my husband and is truly the only "daddy" he's ever known.

 

So why am I so miserable?

 

I am so frustrated, disappointed and generally let down by my husband since our marriage (and probably even before). He's gained about 50 pounds since we started dating and makes empty promise after empty promise to me that he's going to "get back into shape". He doesn't. It's affecting me and I'm no longer attracted to him because of the weight and even moreso because he doesn't seem to care.

 

I work full time, do 90% of the housework, all of the grocery shopping and cooking. At the end of the day I am exhausted. My husband helps around the house when he senses that I am pissed at him for sitting on the couch while I do everything else. Is is wrong to expect that he could pick up the vacuum once in a while without having to be asked? He can see the same dirt on the floor that I can? And yes, I have come straight out and told him this. Still nothing changes. Or if it does change, it only lasts for a few days and then we are right back where we started.

 

I've had two miscarriages (one at 6 weeks and one at 8 weeks) since June of this year. I am 40 years old. I am physically and mentally exhausted yet my husband doesn't seem to notice and instead whines (or pouts) about when we will have sex again. I've done everything I know to do, come short of just saying that his weight gain makes me not attracted to him anymore. I don't know what to do because I just don't find him attractive now.

 

We are up to our eyeballs in debt. My husband gets a quarterly commission that we agreed would be spent on debt and the occasional vacation. We used some of the monies to pay for our wedding with the understanding that we would be later down the road in getting out of debt by doing so. The last bonus he wasted away on frivilous things and didn't apply any toward debt. He just doesn't seem to be very concerned about our financial situation and it is very frustrating.

 

I am disappointed in him that he makes me promises and then doesn't keep them. I've told him that I am disappointed in him and he just doesn't seem to care or want to change.

 

He went out last night to have "a few drinks with some friends". He called at 11:30 to say he was going to hang out with one of the guys a little longer. Instead, he never came home at all. I am pissed. He sends me a text message this morning to say that he spent the night with a friend of ours. I don't believe him. I responded to his text that I don't believe him and that I want a divorce. This is the first time that I've mentioned divorce.

 

I'm tired of being let down, tired of the broken promises, tired of being disrespected and just plain tired of the fact that nothing changes. My husband said that he would go to a counselor in January after an episode of him losing his temper and being nasty with me after a bout of drinking. He promised that he could change and that therapy would help. He never went. There was a repeat episode this summer. Again the promises of the counselor and again he never went.

 

Today he tells me that I am the one that needs the counselor and that he's done nothing wrong.

 

I'm just at such a loss at this point. Divorce seems like a likely solution to my disappointment but I'm not sure. I just don't know how I feel about him anymore because it's all buried under all these other feelings.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I've spent hours staring at the screen trying to figure out what to say and how to explain how hurt, lost and frustrated I am right now. I can't put my finger on one thing and say "that's it" as to why I'm not sure whether I am "in love" with my husband anymore

 

Um... you don't love him anymore because he isn't meeting your expectations? Didn't you notice this before you married him?

 

You either love him or you don't. It's silly to put all these conditions on it, like "if you do the dishes, then I will love you". That's basically what your doing now.

 

You have a 5 year old who needs stability. Just pick 1 thing you want your husband to change. Then make it happen. Once that is done, take on something else.

 

Your both drowning in stress and debt. Don't let your situation dictate your relationship. It's your call.

[Baileykeg]

No, I don't see it as putting conditions like "if you do the dishes, then I'll love you". I see it as I am frustrated with the situation and the fact that he has become what he has become. No, he wasn't like this before we married. He was caring, made effort and didn't hurt me like he is doing now. How I felt mattered to him then.

[liftedcj7on44s]

You dont fall in love with someone based on the way they look alone. You fall in love with someone because that person makes you feel different inside. If he has gained weight and you no longer are attracted to him then I would say that you are not in love with him anymore.

 

Sometimes you have to look past a persons flaws to truly understand that person. We all have flaws, everyone.

[FeelingLonely98]

I suggest that you don't "come short" of talking to him about his weight gain, his laziness, his staying out all night, ... ETC - instead tell him that all of these are definitely making you feel NO attraction to him. Why "come short" of telling him? Might hurt his feelings? Look at what it is doing to YOU. 1000 times worse! I do NOT believe that everyone has to continue "loving" their spouse if that spouse has no desire to make themselves look halfway decent and they let themselves go to sh*t. He didn't have to eat so much. Instead of sitting watching TV while you work at night - he could go exercise if he does not want to regularly help you with household chores. I have little sympathy for spouses that eat so much that they balloon to obese levels and then their spouse is no longer attracted to them. AND even LESS sympathy for guys who think it is a woman's job to do most of the household work. Lazy SOBs.

 

TALK to him about how you really feel BK. Tell him that if things do not change NOW and permanently then the marriage is in serious jeopardy. YOU MUST COMMUNICATE. ok?

[Kic]

If you've clearly let him know of each of his shortcomings and you've addressed his complaints (if he has any - you did not mention any), then it's time for NC / separation. You communicate very clearly in your post, so I suspect that he understands what he needs to do and just need some motivation at this point.

 

Let him do his own chores. Let him go without sex. The man needs to starve in order to finally appreciate the food on the table - so be it!

[whichwayisup]

Marriage is hard work! After a year of marriage, not going to counselling, trying to salvage things, give it your best, give him a chance, is a waste, don't you think?

 

I mean, you two started out as an affair..Where everything was good, the sex was hot, the intensity high... Now that it's a marriage, real life problems, day in and day out..You are finding he's not the perfect guy you thought he was..?

 

It sounds like he is depressed. Gained weight, doesn't help out..

 

Talk to him, ask him if he's happy? Find out what he is feeling too.. Maybe getting married was a mistake and he just can't bring himself to talk about it, or maybe he is depressed and feels unmanly...Knows he's letting you down and he is having a hard time. Talk to him.

 

And you have said your son has bonded with him..another reason not to just give up so fast, bury your feelings and quit on the marriage.

[Baileykeg]

Thanks for everyone's input. I guess I'm just wary of trying to talk to him again about all of our problems because I know what the outcome will be. He'll say he's oh so sorry, will promise to do better, bla, bla, bla and then in a week or so nothing will have changed. I'm tired of the cycle. Tired of being miserable. I just don't know what to do at this point that is different. Maybe separation is a good start. I just don't know.

 

WWIU - maybe you are right. Maybe marriage was not the right answer after all the drama we went through. I'm just at a loss as to where to go from here.

[whichwayisup]

But you ARE married.. And what counts now is how you handle this. You love(d) this man, for a long time..Finally you two are together, and life has thrown afew curve balls at you both. Do you fix things? Run away and divorce? Each of you need to decide if the marriage is worth saving. Seems you both have gone through alot of crap to be together..

 

I really think he's depressed.

 

Anyway, why not write him a letter, then sit beside him, let him read it. Instead of pointing out all the negative, focus on the good.. And that you dont' want to lose him. That he needs to put effort in and be a husband, a family man, a stepfather to your child..

 

Separation may not be the right answer because the glue that holds you two together isn't that strong..Or so it seems..

[Baileykeg]

I like the idea of a letter. I often seem to be able to express myself better on paper than in person. Maybe it's a place to start and see where it takes us.

[FeelingLonely98]

I really think he's depressed.

 

I think she is depressed!!!!!!!

[FeelingLonely98]

I like the idea of a letter. I often seem to be able to express myself better on paper than in person. Maybe it's a place to start and see where it takes us.

 

I say you BaileyKeg should tell him that you can not be married if he does not make these changes permanently - not just for a week. Yes, M is hard work. And you ARE working at it, even now on LS. You are trying to gather info to make the best decision. WHether you do it in a letter or in person (in person is better) tell him that permanenet changes are needed in order to save the M. If after both of you doing the best you can then it is still the same then a D is inevitable.

[curiou]

Fifty pounds overweight? That is crazy!

 

You absolutely have a right to NOT be attracted to someone who has let himself go for no other reason than laziness. It speaks to respect for your expectations about liveliness, longevity, and health! I work at least 12 hours a day most days of the week, and take call a few days every month, and I feel my health is just as high a priority as reading the news every morning.

 

I think I'm going running now. Ugh.