Who's really the weak one?? The dumpee vs The dumper!

[WiseOne1]

Viewing loveshack threads & post for around 4 years now, I've noticed that a lot of loveshack members tend to believe that being the dumper and not going NC means that your the weak one. They tend to believe that your the one who needs help accepting reality or accepting the breakup.

I tend to disagree. It's very rare that a dumper disappears 100% when the relationship ends, normally they hang around and beg to be friends, call even when asked not to, come over uninvited, not being able to accept that once they end the relationship that sometimes being friends is not possible!

 

Most likely the dumper only calls when they need a EGO boost, there lonely, or even when there new interest is not showing them attention or has left them. The dumper then crawls back to someone who's familiar, some one who they feel SAFE with and know they can count on, meaning the person that they "Dumped".

Have you ever ended a relationship and never bothered calling a ex?? I'm sure many of you have, I'm also sure that sometimes the rebound relationship doesn't work, however that person still go's on with live like it never happened and does not crawl back to there ex with there hurt pride.

 

The main idea of this passage is to wonder, to discuss, who's really the weak one?? Who's really the one that has the low self-esteem? Clearly the EX doesn't have the highest self-esteem if there Stringing you along!!

Clearly the EX isn't so confident if they begin to call when there new relationship turns bad.

 

Breakups hurt both parties "sometimes" sometimes the other has plotted on the breakup for months and months, therefore leaving them painless when it happens.

 

So is the person who begs for the EX back, maybe wishes that the ex returns, post threads and cries the weak person??

Or could it be that the person that was so confident, so proud, felt so strongly that the "GRASS WAS GREENER ON THE OTHERSIDE" but now has to go back over burned bridges, after saying harsh things, has to swallow there pride just to text you ; the person that's more emotional unstable?

[Kic]

Well, there's being weak, and then there's being at fault.

 

You know deep down, whether you're the leaver or the leavee, who was most at fault...who refused to change or compromise after the other person gave them so many opportunities. One person makes the decision to leave, or to let go completely after the other person has gone.

 

That decision...that is power over the other person's weakness.

[jlr]

I don't think because I miss my ex, or feel sad about it, that I'm weak. I mean sometimes I do when I'm depressed. But I think it's just because I have a heart. And because I loved that person.

 

My ex, the dumper, does appear randomly off and on. Usually, I'm never the one to reach out, even though I miss her and wish it would've worked out. I leave her be, and try to cope. But she, who thought doing this would change her life and make it better, constantly pops back up wanting to have communication with me.

 

So yeah, I see what you mean. Perhaps there's weakness on both ends, but if they made a big decision to dump us because we just weren't giving them what they wanted, why keep insisting we talk?

 

They often claim they like us as friends. Yeah, they're selfish. They only want to deal with the parts they like, and disregard anything else. They take what they want and look elsewhere for the rest. Sort of an ala carte type of relationship. That's not how any relationship, love or otherwise, works.

 

The truth is that when they feel the grass wasn't greener, or things blow up in their face, they come back to us looking for help or recognition.

 

It's like you thought you were so smart dumping me and that you knew what was best for you, why are you coming back to ME for advice? Wasn't I what you THOUGHT was the problem?

 

You're right, they're pretty weak.

[xoxo88]

When you think about the dumper who crawls back to their ex you might say that they are weak and desperate. But don't you think that they are brave because they try to give it another try? No matter how hurt and desperate they might be, they are brave enough to fight for the one they love. I read a book some time ago about stupid reasons why people break up. It is written by a psychologist so pretty reliable. It made me see how people throw their love away because they are stubborn or impulsive. Most of the break ups happen because of miscommunication. I'm not talknig about relationships where one of the partners is abusive and obviously the other one is abused. I'm talking about pretty normal relationships that end suddenly for no specific reason. As i was saying most of the break ups happen because of miscommunication. Let's say one of the lovers is unhappy about something in their relationship. He/she never says anything about it and it never changes. After a while the unhappy lover decides to leave the realtionship. The simple fact of telling his/her partner how he/she felt would have saved the relationship. So don't you think the dumper is weak? Not being brave enough to say how they feel is called cowardice.

[TheLoneSock]

What does weakness have to do with breaking up?

 

If one person feels the want or need for something other than what their SO is giving them, they usually end the relationship. It's not about weakness, it's about desire. If a person is abusive, their partner will probably desire someone less abusive. If a person is overweight, their partner may want someone fitter. If a person is boring, their partner may need something more exciting.

 

You can't look at relationships as I win YOU lose because your weak scenarios.

[jlr]

What does weakness have to do with breaking up?

 

Like I said, I don't think it's weak the way I feel. I think what WiseOne is talking about is the idea that someone who's dumped and is moping can be stereotyped as a weak person because they're having trouble coping. He's saying the dumper could also be seen that way, depending on your angle.

 

But you're right breakups are not necessarily about weakness. Though it depends on how you look at it. And every situation is different.

 

When you think about the dumper who crawls back to their ex you might say that they are weak and desperate. But don't you think that they are brave because they try to give it another try?

 

If they were trying to give it another try, sure. In my experience, they didn't fully come back. They just came back for sex, advice, company, guidance, but didn't want to get back together. I think this is what WiseOne is referring to, not people who decide they want to work on things.

 

As i was saying most of the break ups happen because of miscommunication

 

Amen. This is true.

Edited December 11, 2009 by jlr

[Nikki Sahagin]

I think the dumper may have moments where they regret their decision or realise their decision was premature or impulsive or innacurate. Its hard to know because i'm sure in most cases the reasons they break up with us are in part untrue; that they conceal the true reasons or perhaps some of them. I think some are motivated by society; to be independent and free and have numerous partners before settling down - to chase this version of love that isn't real. But I don't think they are weak, as much as confused. I think they are confused about why there love went away or why they were unhappy or why they wanted to leave, and I think this can cause great guilt or regret.

[jlr]

Nikki, I think that's dead on.

 

Confusion is the best word.

[WiseOne1]

Confusion is the best way or word to put it.

 

JLR : You are 100% correct about what I was trying to say. I'm simply stating that instead of the world having this mind frame that the person that gets dumped is the one who's emotionally stunned, and a lot of people preach on and on about moving on, and taking a hint, and having self-esteem...clearly the 98% of dumpers don't have the high SELF-ESTEEM that they projected or pretended to have.

 

xoxo88 : Definitely correct, the dumper is in many ways more WEAK or venerable, and NO I’m not saying that having a "heart" makes anyone weak. Dumpers lie, they make up excuses, one thing about the DUMPEE is that they are mentally strong, they fight and go after what they want, there not ashamed to get turned down or hurt unlike dumpers.

 

A word to sum up the average dumper would be "COWARD". They also might contain a little bit of stubborn, nothing in the world could have stopped them from dumping you, however nothing in the world can make them ADMIT to the fault and say they want you back.

Edited December 11, 2009 by WiseOne1