Hurt and confused...anyone have some good advice for me?

[reecepieces]

I am a 32 year old male, single-father with two children, a son who is 11 and a daughter who is 7. I am also divorced, about 6 years now. I caught my ex-wife cheating on me and found out that she was pregnant. I felt betrayed and very distraught. We had our problems of intimacy and I didn't voice my love for my ex-wife as much as I should have.

I'm not bragging but hey I love women and know that they should be respected. Even though my father and mother divorced when I was 15, I was brought up in a good environment, they never fought in front of us.

 

I met a wonderful 29 year-old women about 6 months ago, her name is Lisa, her son played baseball with my son on the same team, she also has 3 other children, a daughter who is 9, a son who is 5 and her youngest a boy who is almost 3. At first we had the small talk getting to know each other at the baseball games, saying hello to each other and talking about the games as they went on. I finally found out that she was single, well in the process of a divorce at the time, separated from her soon-to-be ex-husband for a year and a half.

 

I asked Lisa out to dinner and a night at a comedy club. The date was great, we had interesting conversation over dinner and we hit it off really well. We had a great time together on our first date and as the gentleman I am I simply walked her to her door and did not venture for a kiss on the first date. I promised to call again, soon for a second date and that I would see her at the boy's next baseball game. The second date, about a week later, went just as well and she ended up kissing me at the end of the night, so I returned the kiss. I could have sworn sparks flew and the chemistry was great. The third date, about another week also went well and she invited me inside her house where we consummated our relationship. It was amazing, I was stricken with love before we slept together but after that night I was totally in love. I couldn't go a minute without thinking about Lisa. We continued to see each other and were practically together every moment we could spend together. I would bring movies over to her house and sometimes my children would spend the night with me at her house. We continued to date leaving the children with a babysitter to continue our relationship between ourselves.

Things were great, we had so much in common it was almost unbelievable, every moment I could I would tell Lisa that I loved her and that she was beautiful. Which in fact she is and the truth is I still love her.

 

We continued to enjoy each other's company for about 2 months, during this time Lisa had been talking about moving back to her home town which is approximately 2 hours away from where we met. She wanted to move back to her home town for several reasons, church, school, her family was there (her mother), and could help her with the children. She told me that she wanted to be able to support her children and herself on her own, which I totally respected. She was not sure of the decision and therefore it took those 2 months to make up her mind. I, of course wanted her to stay in the local area, the same schooling opportunity was still here, I also made arrangements for a low-income apartment for her in the local area with a friend who oversaw management of several apartment complexes. I also promised to her that I would support her in everything she did, even offering to watch her children for free, should she need to work or be at school. I also told her that our relationship would be strained with the long distance between us. I was worried that once I was out of site that I would be out of mind as well. I was also worried that we would grow apart. Lisa reassured me that she would make the effort to keep our relationship strong and that she wasn't the kind of girl to give up on a relationship because of long-distance. Well, push came to shove and her mother offered to move her back to her home town. That was 3 months ago. Although I was reluctant to do so, my friend and I assisted her in all the loading and moving of all her household goods. I even drove the U-haul 2 hours and unloaded everything into her new apartment.

 

I put my heart and effort into everything I do for Lisa. I have been told that I'm a great guy. I respect women and I really respect this particular one for being as brave as she is to go out and start on her own. I have a lot of love for this woman and during the last month before she moved she started becoming distant and less passionate in her kisses and less affectionate. We did move fast in the relationship as far as practically living with each other for about 3 months, the thing was that it felt right to do so and I didn't get any negative feedback from her. We were in love.

 

During the first month Lisa was back in her home town, she had a lot of guys from her past contact her because they knew she was back in town and that she was in the process of a divorce. To rewind just a bit, her two-oldest children are from a different father than the younger two. The first father came calling asking her to get back with him. He's that someone who your mother told you not to bring home type, been in prison, into drugs, etc. Lisa told me that there was a better chance that her ex-husband and her would get back together before she would even consider getting back together with this guy. I admit it I was jealous of all the attention she was getting, at school she had a young guy ask her out and she told him that does not date children. A bit harsh but he still didn't get the point. I made one appearance at school to pick her up and I made an ass of myself I guess. I drove up and I had good intentions mind you, I stopped the car at the curb where she was and there was this guy standing next to her who had asked her out. I stepped out of the car, for reference I always open doors for her, her car door if she's getting in, any door. I started to round the car when she gave me this look of "What are you doing?!?" I immediately stood down and got back into the car as she opened the door herself, where she immediately reprimanded me for making such an effort. She told me that she didn't appreciate the manly act, I apologized and promised to her I would never do it again, I also told her that I didn't really see what the big deal was. I guess I was a bit possessive. I cite this example of me, I guess messing up and a situation I felt guilty about. I continued to see her on a weekly basis, one or two days a week. I noticed that she was still being less affectionate and that our lovemaking just was not happening as frequently. Steadily it seemed she was pushing me away and I didn't know what was going on, so being a bit insecure in the relationship I asked her what was wrong because she seemed less affectionate and distant. Lisa always answered that there was nothing wrong.

 

Lisa's past background from what I found out was that she was abused both physically and verbally by her soon-to-be ex-husband. I treat her with much respect and love. I would make a movement with my hand to her face to sweep a hair from her face and she would flinch something I noticed the first few times I made any quick motions with my hands. I was very concerned and asked her about her ex. I really felt for Lisa and she made me cry for her. I really felt sorry for her and the abuse she went through. Well during the time she was becoming more distant she finally said that she felt that we were not connecting on an emotional level. I tried to get her to explain what she meant and she told me she couldn't and I wouldn't understand. I thought this a ruse and some sort of excuse.

 

Lisa finally told me after about two weeks of worrying that our relationship was failing that she thought we should not see each other anymore. She felt that we were moving too fast, I convinced her that it wasn't the right thing for us and that we should work things out. I know that relationships have rocky-tendencies. We continued to see each other and I was still worried because things weren't changing for the better between us. Again she said that we shouldn't see each other anymore and she started saying hurtful things. I was hurt, really hurt. I finally said enough and had gotten angry. I didn't throw a temper tantrum or anything. I know how to control my anger.

 

I asked Lisa to collect my stuff so I could leave, she seemed to be stalling for some reason. I just wanted to leave so I started to help her pack up my things that I had kept there. I also reached for a framed picture of the two of us in our better times. This was when she really got angry at me. She told me to just get out and I could come back for my stuff later. She tried to grab what I had already collect of my belongings and I refused to let her have them. She called the police and of course they eventually came, Lisa told the police that my belongings was stuff that I had given to her children as a gift, (my toothbrush, the framed picture, a cell-phone charger, personal stuff.) I couldn't believe that the sweet, caring woman who I had fallen in love with actually called the police on me. Why did she want to keep the picture of us both. They made me let go of my stuff which she carried back into her apartment, leaving me enraged but in control. I didn't call after her or yell. I told the police that I thought they were being unfair in the situation and of course the situation being as it was at her apartment, she was looked as the innocent. I left with much anger in my heart.

 

I struggled with the fact that all of that had occurred that day. I was distraught and angry, yes. I was also really hurt that this woman who I would move the world for, shoot the moon, worship the ground she walked on, all those cliche's, would even think of hurting me the way she did. I spent the next two or three days brooding and wondering what had gone wrong, I spoke to my sister and asked her what I should do. My sister ended up finding Lisa's number in one of my phone bills, wasn't too hard to find...all she had to do was look to see which number was called the most. My sister spoke to her for a good two-hours and found out a little of what was going on with her. Apparently, Lisa was surprised that I could get that angry and was a bit afraid of that part of me that she had never seen before. She felt that we did move too fast. I knew that the long-distance was putting a strain on us and that was probably the reason she started being less affectionate towards me. She told my sister that she thought I would just disagree with her and tell her that we just need to take time and work things out like before. Lisa even told my sister that her friends told her that she was crazy to even think about letting me go, apparently I made a good impression with her friends as well. I also met a cousin of hers and Lisa's cousin told me that she was happy with me. That felt good to hear that. Oh by the way, my sister even thinks I'm a wonderful guy. Well my sister asked Lisa to call me, although it was hard for her because she didn't have a phone at the time...I ended up calling her and we talked over the phone a couple of times....it was very amicable. She told me she had some guidelines that she wanted to discuss with me as far as us. So I told her that I was willing to listen.

 

We eventually ended up setting up a date which kept getting postponed. I finally was able to set-up a semi-date, I say semi because I met Lisa at her son's orthodontist appointment and ended up taking her out to dinner with my daughter and her oldest two. We had a great time that night, talking about different things. I gave her a present that night as well, a brand-new 49ers "Jerry Rice" jersey, her favorite team and one of her favorite players. She loved the gift and told she had a really good time, thanked me for dinner and we ended up kissing. I swear to you that my knee buckled because of the kiss and I could have sworn sparks flew once again. I was immediately back in love with her. I kissed her once more before we left each other's company and the passion that I felt when we first kissed ever was there. I felt that things were back on track.

 

Well apparently I couldn't have been more wrong. One of the reasons Lisa also moved back to her home town was because she wanted to attend her local church. Again something I don't mind, I was raised Baptist, Souther Baptist my entire life, I attended church twice on Sundays, Wednesdays, Thursday Bible study, and Friday AWANAs as a teen-helper. In other words it was something that appealed to me. I was glad that she was back in church.

 

Well we finally had gone on our first date by ourselves. A simple dinner and a movie. We had a great time talking to each other, it felt like our first date actually. Lisa invited me into her apartment, we sat and watched TV for a while until the children were sent off to sleep. I spoke to her that night about where I thought our relationship was going and apparently she just wants to date.

 

Lisa told me that I am the only one who she goes out to dinner and movies with...well that kind of date where two adults have a good time. I'm the only one who ever kisses her, something else she told me. She told me that she doesn't want to make the same mistake she made with the first two men in her life. She wasn't looking for a serious relationship and that she wanted to make sure that she can support herself and the children, which she is doing. She also told me that she doesn't want 'any' man to spend the night at her apartment. She told me that she doesn't want to have pre-marital sex, which I respect and she wasn't going to start a serious relationship for two years. Another issue I respect.

 

Now I know that she is busy with her schooling, her children, and work. Lisa has a track record of not calling anyone, not even her best friend. So that's not too big of an issue, other than I gave her a cell-phone to call me...free...whenever, and she never calls still. I used to call her every other two days, find out if happened to have a day off which she squeeze me into her schedule. I understand that she has 4 children to spend time with and I respect that as well. Recently when I call she seems irritated that I called and very short with me so I haven't called her, my excuse...in the past two and a half weeks I've been sick. A flu-virus which put me in the hospital one day for dehydration and now I've got a resulting sinus infection from all the congestion I had from the virus. I wrote her a quick e-mail saying that I hope she had a wonderful Thanksgiving and that I hope that she and her children are doing well, I also told Lisa that I was sick and that was the reason why I haven't called her. I ended the e-mail by stating that I hoped to hear from her soon. I didn't even get an e-mail telling me that she hopes that I feel better, nothing, nada. I feel like I'm being led along on, even though she states that she's busy with church, school, and her children. What do you think I should do? I really love Lisa, I do think of her a lot. I feel that we were put into each other's live's for a good reason. When things were good between us they were great and she even says so. I don't understand why she is so short with me lately. Should I just move on? Something I really don't want to do because I do love Lisa with all my heart.

[dyermaker]

I'm so very sorry, there was something about your post that made me really sad. Maybe it was when you opened the car door for her, and she got mad. I really have no advice on getting her back. I know when you say that you respect her decisions, it still means you're hurt.

 

I think it's just sad timing--you are ready to give love and be loved, and she's in defense mode because she's been hurt. I'm not sure what to do, I know tha doesn't help you at all. But, I just want to say that I'm sorry, and I'm sure someone else has some advice for you.

[johnnywinner]

I am having my own relationship situation with my girlfriend,my post is in the getting married section.I CAN UNDERSTAND YOUR PAIN. My view is do not be intense.She wants to take it slow.She is not sure if she wants a serious relationship.You may have to keep occupied and get into hobbies that you like.You can not be seeing and calling her everyday. Let her miss you a little.You are coming on strong.She may be very attracted to you,but not ready for engagement rings.You see you are sure if yourself.She may feel confused.Give her time to absorb it all.She may be thr girl of your dreams soon.You have to give it time.This is my opinion.YOU CAN READ MY STORY IN GETTING MARRIED SECTION.TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK?GOOD LUCK,I WISH YOU WELL IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP, JOHNNYWINNER

[SanS]

I know that you really want to give her all of your love and you sound like an ideal boyfriend, but it sounds like she has the radar and the walls up. I was in a bad abusive relationship for 4 years. For me, now it takes a lot of understanding, patience, and space...its very hard for me to trust men...and for awhile I seemed to unconsciously destroy relationships that were good...and kept the bad ones or searched for bad ones. Its pretty messed up...and she could be doing this very thing. Its all mental. Now im looking for whats good for me..but still have a problem when a guy is "good" for me. Its almost like I feel like I dont deserve it...it makes me feel very uncomfy. There has been a couple of people to get through though. For me, its all about knowing when to back off, and when to get close. Just give her time. Be her friend first....she has to learn how to trust you. Try to take things slowly, and be there for her. Let her know that you will be there for her if she needs you. On the flip side, you may want to decide on how much you are willing to put up with...it sounds like she is trying to unconsciously destroy the relationship in a way..like I have done in the past. If you think shes worth it then....give her the time and space...but...I can assure you its going to take a lot of patience, and trust on your end. I dont know how you would be able to get "In" with her but for me Ive found that a strong friendship comes first...the rest comes later. Remember it has to do with comfort, and making her feel that things are okay. If you can be just her friend....and she lets you then great. If not then maybe you should move on.

 

HTHS

[AllyKat]

Im a bit confused on this one. One minute she is all into you, then its not there? I think if you back off, she may come around. To me, it just seems like she is backing away for a reason...no I dont know that reason.

 

I have been in an abusive relationship with my daughters father. I can understand that. But, do you think maybe right now she has alot on her plate? I mean, she is 29 with 4 kids! Im not putting her down, but she sounds like she isnt sure what she wants.

 

Maybe if you back off and let her miss you...she may come around. I just dont like the way she treated you...it seemed heartless...regardless of what she has been through, YOU dont deserve that. She needs to understand that she cant treat you like that. It isnt fair.