Saw my ex with another man tonight

[Steadfast]

Isn't it funny, this roller coaster called separation and divorce.

 

Though the course of normal events, tonight I was asked to stop by my ex-brother in law's to pick up money they gathered for my daughter's cheerleading fundraiser. I wonder...no, I'm pretty sure it was a trap.

 

When I arrive, I see my ex wife's car out front and a few other cars parked there too. I knock and when her brother answered, he asked me to come in. There, in the living room is my ex sitting with a man I've never seen before; his arm around her and her hand on his leg. I haven't spoken to her in weeks and have not seen her for much longer than that. The man didn't bother to introduce himself and feeling them all staring at me, I picked up the money, smiled and wished everyone a good evening.

 

My ex had two affairs that I know of while we were married and strung me along endlessly afterward. Even so, I had not 'seen' her with anyone else before, and my internal reaction (shock, sadness and heartache) rather surprised me. We've been apart for nearly two years. What the hell?

 

I have dated some and am now seeing someone steady. My ex made it clear this angered her, so perhaps tonight was more than a coincidence. It seems staged and trying not to sound paranoid, her family probably helped arrange it. I say this because they were all clearly waiting for my reaction.

 

Perhaps I'm wrong. I am proud I kept it together, even if it hurt.

 

I love my new GF and my feelings have not changed, but this was definitely a watershed moment for our relationship...or what used to be. I'm dealing with it fine, but still...some old feelings of sadness returned.

 

Any thoughts, comments or criticisms from the LS collective? =)

[CBIIS1]

She'll do it to him too sooner or later. She was a bad person and you got used and hurt by her. Stop putting yourself in a place that lets her hurt you. See her for what she really is. Love is blind and you don't understand that she's not as good as you think she is. Why do you get sucked in by people like her anyway?

[Kic]

You are right to be proud - what you did showed composure and class.

 

That girl has some ego to have staged or agreed to take part in something like that. More evidence that you did right by moving on, my friend.

[Ronni_W]

Yep! Great job on keeping it together Still a tough one to have to go through, though. Hugs.

 

If your former in-laws were in on it, I really hope they're freakin' proud of themselves. Bunch o' losers.

 

Those feelings of sadness/melancholy...yeah, they can come up and bite you in the ass, sometimes very unexpectedly, with no external trigger, without any apparent rhyme or reason.

I've been divorced 10+ years. It still happens. I just let them (the feelings) be, and they fade soon enough.

[soheartbroken]

Isn't it funny, this roller coaster called separation and divorce.

 

Though the course of normal events, tonight I was asked to stop by my ex-brother in law's to pick up money they gathered for my daughter's cheerleading fundraiser. I wonder...no, I'm pretty sure it was a trap.

 

When I arrive, I see my ex wife's car out front and a few other cars parked there too. I knock and when her brother answered, he asked me to come in. There, in the living room is my ex sitting with a man I've never seen before; his arm around her and her hand on his leg. I haven't spoken to her in weeks and have not seen her for much longer than that. The man didn't bother to introduce himself and feeling them all staring at me, I picked up the money, smiled and wished everyone a good evening.

 

My ex had two affairs that I know of while we were married and strung me along endlessly afterward. Even so, I had not 'seen' her with anyone else before, and my internal reaction (shock, sadness and heartache) rather surprised me. We've been apart for nearly two years. What the hell?

 

I have dated some and am now seeing someone steady. My ex made it clear this angered her, so perhaps tonight was more than a coincidence. It seems staged and trying not to sound paranoid, her family probably helped arrange it. I say this because they were all clearly waiting for my reaction.

 

Perhaps I'm wrong. I am proud I kept it together, even if it hurt.

 

I love my new GF and my feelings have not changed, but this was definitely a watershed moment for our relationship...or what used to be. I'm dealing with it fine, but still...some old feelings of sadness returned.

 

Any thoughts, comments or criticisms from the LS collective? =)

 

Sounds like you handled it great, and it does sound staged.

 

Glad that you have a new gf and seem to be doing okay. I think your reaction (some sadness etc.) is perfectly reasonable.

[Gunny376]

I read this? And felt I WAS GUT-SHOT all over again?

[Gunny376]

Life is for living! Live life to its top!

 

Live Life to its top!

 

Live your life to its top!

 

All gave some!

 

Some gave their all! All gave some!

 

Live your Life to its top!

 

Live your life to its fullest!

 

KisaUK, JMargel, SoHeartbroken and so many others here?

 

Forget us not!

 

But damnit! Get your @zz busy living life!

 

Or get busy dyring!

[Midnight Rider]

Her and her family sound like strange and insecure people. To hell with them.

[Steadfast]

 

Sounds like you handled it great, and it does sound staged.

 

Glad that you have a new gf and seem to be doing okay. I think your reaction (some sadness etc.) is perfectly reasonable.

 

 

Thanks SHB...thanks to all of you. Gunny, you're awesome. The time you take encouraging and giving heartfelt advice is not wasted here.

 

Yes, it hurts. Not just because she was my sweetheart and the woman I loved and cared for, but the reality of the betrayal. I can't impress upon everyone here just how crazy in love we once were. Sixteen years! That's so hard to imagine; that it is now dead. But, I take comfort in knowing I didn't kill it.

 

It wasn't staged. After I posted my daughter told me she arranged it. She was cheering in a game and couldn't call. It simply was...what it was.

 

I've thought about it and...it bothered me seeing her with someone else. So what? Does it change anything? Are we any more divorced now than we were yesterday? No. Maybe I just need to see this, roll with it and move on. A part of me thinks it's a bit unrealistic to not feel a little sad, jealous or bothered. She stopped loving me, or never really did. What choice do any of us have? Get on with life.

 

The good news is all this keeps me humble! Guess I'm not God's gift to women after all. =( To her anyway, but she was the most important.

 

Thanks again everyone. No worries, I'll be fine-

Edited December 11, 2009 by Steadfast

[curiou]

It sounds like you handled things with aplomb. I admire that!

 

You were bound to find out sooner or later. Great job keeping it together.

 

I hope your new girlfriend is younger, healthier, and smarter! Living well is the best "revenge."

[trippi1432]

Thanks SHB...thanks to all of you. Gunny, you're awesome. The time you take encouraging and giving heartfelt advice is not wasted here.

 

Yes, it hurts. Not just because she was my sweetheart and the woman I loved and cared for, but the reality of the betrayal. I can't impress upon everyone here just how crazy in love we once were. Sixteen years! That's so hard to imagine; that it is now dead. But, I take comfort in knowing I didn't kill it.

 

It wasn't staged. After I posted my daughter told me she arranged it. She was cheering in a game and couldn't call. It simply was...what it was.

 

I've thought about it and...it bothered me seeing her with someone else. So what? Does it change anything? Are we any more divorced now than we were yesterday? No. Maybe I just need to see this, roll with it and move on. A part of me thinks it's a bit unrealistic to not feel a little sad, jealous or bothered. She stopped loving me, or never really did. What choice do any of us have? Get on with life.

 

The good news is all this keeps me humble! Guess I'm not God's gift to women after all. =( To her anyway, but she was the most important.

 

Thanks again everyone. No worries, I'll be fine-

 

Steadfast - stay away from the trap, she just wants to make you jealous because that gives her power and only a person with a self-centered heart would do that to you. She probably did love you at one time, but you now see her in the true light - pathetic-....time to move on.

[PWSX3]

Steadfast, thanks for sharing with us.

 

Helps us understand that when you do love someone that you just don't shut it off. It takes many years to get over & yes with time it gets better but I do believe when we marry someone we still have part of that person with us for the rest of our life whether you want to or not....

 

Hopefully those here that are struggling will understand you never get over the person but learn to live without them.....

 

I work with a gal that has been divorced for 10 years & we were talking about it & I could tell it still effects her.....

 

I feel you did a great job, showed the ex you are in control of your life & that she isn't able to play games with you if that is what she was trying to do.

[Steadfast]

Steadfast, thanks for sharing with us.

 

Helps us understand that when you do love someone that you just don't shut it off. It takes many years to get over & yes with time it gets better but I do believe when we marry someone we still have part of that person with us for the rest of our life whether you want to or not....

 

Hopefully those here that are struggling will understand you never get over the person but learn to live without them.....

 

I work with a gal that has been divorced for 10 years & we were talking about it & I could tell it still effects her.....

 

I feel you did a great job, showed the ex you are in control of your life & that she isn't able to play games with you if that is what she was trying to do.

 

Great thoughts PWXS3, and very well said. You're welcome.

 

I think subconsciously I did post this for the many who are going through it too, or someday will. I love the line you wrote about 'not getting over' your ex, but learning how to live without them. So true. Part of us will always be a part of them, and the children have nothing to do with it.

 

I just finished (my last) post to Ann09 on the 'Confession...Scared' thread, and have been thinking a lot about bitterness. While it's true that many ex-spouses are wicked bitter, most often it's the betrayer who has more of it. Just go to any prison and talk to the inmates; that's proof. Also, if you are bitter it might mean you're angry because you can no longer control someone else; it sure isn't because you're happier! My ex started this, but she is way more bitter and unhappy than I am. Why is that? Wasn't the whole idea to 'better' herself, find 'true love' and live a happier life?

 

It's like the line from that song; "If it makes you happy, then why are you so sad?"

 

I love her, but (and I say this laughing, 'cause it's true!!) I'm not IN love with her. Not anymore. And she is very beautiful.

 

And curiou? My GF is not younger than my ex-wife (I'm 50, the ex is 41 and the GF is 45) but she's a totally different kind of person. Very loving, deep, and yes; very attractive. I know what you mean and I appreciate it, but to 'use' her against my ex would be abusing her, and I can't do that. I keep them as far away -mentally and physically- from each other as I can.

[PWSX3]

Something I learned in divorce care class was; when two people get married they become one but when you separate/divorce it's not two people leaving, but more like ripping of a piece of paper on a dotted line. You can't tear it down the line but some rips on your side of the line & some rips on there side of the line & it isn't a straight line anymore, & I really do feel that is true....

 

I also agree with you about the anger. If we don't forgive our spouse then we are the ones that hold onto that anger & it will follow us into other areas of our lives or our next relationship for that matter.

 

I still have feelings for my former W, but I lost the respect that she would give up on our marriage & that is when I lost the love for her.

[trippi1432]

Something I learned in divorce care class was; when two people get married they become one but when you separate/divorce it's not two people leaving, but more like ripping of a piece of paper on a dotted line. You can't tear it down the line but some rips on your side of the line & some rips on there side of the line & it isn't a straight line anymore, & I really do feel that is true....

 

I also agree with you about the anger. If we don't forgive our spouse then we are the ones that hold onto that anger & it will follow us into other areas of our lives or our next relationship for that matter.

 

I still have feelings for my former W, but I lost the respect that she would give up on our marriage & that is when I lost the love for her.

 

Thanks for posting this as a reminder...I recall that lesson in the first Divorce Care class I went to....I haven't gotten to the forgiveness class yet, although I do hope to get there one day.

[You'reasian]

Isn't it funny, this roller coaster called separation and divorce.

 

Though the course of normal events, tonight I was asked to stop by my ex-brother in law's to pick up money they gathered for my daughter's cheerleading fundraiser. I wonder...no, I'm pretty sure it was a trap.

 

When I arrive, I see my ex wife's car out front and a few other cars parked there too. I knock and when her brother answered, he asked me to come in. There, in the living room is my ex sitting with a man I've never seen before; his arm around her and her hand on his leg. I haven't spoken to her in weeks and have not seen her for much longer than that. The man didn't bother to introduce himself and feeling them all staring at me, I picked up the money, smiled and wished everyone a good evening.

 

My ex had two affairs that I know of while we were married and strung me along endlessly afterward. Even so, I had not 'seen' her with anyone else before, and my internal reaction (shock, sadness and heartache) rather surprised me. We've been apart for nearly two years. What the hell?

 

I have dated some and am now seeing someone steady. My ex made it clear this angered her, so perhaps tonight was more than a coincidence. It seems staged and trying not to sound paranoid, her family probably helped arrange it. I say this because they were all clearly waiting for my reaction.

 

Perhaps I'm wrong. I am proud I kept it together, even if it hurt.

 

I love my new GF and my feelings have not changed, but this was definitely a watershed moment for our relationship...or what used to be. I'm dealing with it fine, but still...some old feelings of sadness returned.

 

Any thoughts, comments or criticisms from the LS collective? =)

 

Sorry to hear about this. Good that you can keep your head up. Time to move on and grow with the new woman.