In laws hate me and possibly our daughter too

[mom2008]

My h's parents hate me, I feel and my husband somewhat thinks so too. He definitely admits that they don't like me. But I never really thought that they would be able to dislike/hate their grandchild.

 

My father in law doesn't show it as much as my MIL. She is never supportive of anything that we do. Everything we do is wrong or simply not good enough in her own view.

 

She completely ignores me when she comes over (and my husband noticed that too), which is very rude.

 

She also favors my husbands brother, his wife and son. They live in an in law unit with them. In her eyes everything is perfect about them. When she does come to visit all she ever talks about is them (mainly bragging). Making comments how my daughter's snacks stink but the nephew's always smelled good. She openly favors our nephew over our daughter. She sees our daughter a lot less and when she does, she seems like she could care less almost as if our daughter isn't even there. She feeds our nephew and doesn't care to offer to our daughter. Always watching after our nephew to ensure he is fed, warm etc, and 'nothing' about our daughter. And our nephew is 3 yrs old and our daughter is 15 mos.

 

My husband thinks that thats what it is. They love them more and we just need to accept that. That I should just ignore it.

 

On the other hand, I disagree. Her behavior is hurtful enough for me, and I can imagine how it will be for our daughter as she gets older. I honestly don't care who she loves more, but rather expect that she respects and treats us all equally (mainly the grandchildren) while we're there which is 2-3 hours in a week if even that.

 

Is it too much to ask?

 

He thinks that if we were to bring it up, they'll simply just drop us totally out of their life. And I certainly don't want my h to loose his parents, but if they are that easily to drop us then they aren't worth it anyway (imo). That would confirm how much they really care about us.

 

What are your thoughts/ opinions? What would you do if you were in my shoes and if you were in my husband's shoes?

[Boundary Problem]

In some families the love is unequal.

 

Parents just are the way they are and they aren't going to change.

 

If the preference is that clear, then ask your husband what he wants. It is his family.

 

Children are smarter than you may realize. When they see this grandparent isn't too good with big gifts, they focus on manipulating the other set of grandparents.

 

But there is no necessity that YOU have to spend a lot of time with them. They aren't your family and they haven't made you feel all that welcome. Your husband can take the child to visit.

 

Or maybe he wants you to come - for support. Just ask him.

[streetlamp]

Limit your time together and get your h's backing. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. Some people are just mean!

[TwinkletOes26]

As a grandchild who is in your daughters position i know how much it hurts to have grandma not love me as much as my cousins. I would not subject my child to that woman. Who other than a black hearted....not gonna say the word im thinking ...would make a difference between CHILDREN. She sounds manipulative and just uncouth.

 

I would see her as little as possible. If your husband admits she doesnt like you then you have a perfect excuse NEVER to go over there. I would not subject myself or child to those people!!

 

When GROWN OLD people do stuff like this especially to children it burns me up for the sake of your child and you stay away from them.

[New Again]

Perhaps my grandmother isn't as extreme as your mother-in-law (hard to be objective about it).

 

But as a grandchild I have, as far back as I can remember, seen and felt favoritism like that...one of my grandmothers very obviously cares more about some of my cousins than me and my siblings.

 

I love her, but think she is a very self-absorbed and narcissistic person. I also think that maybe my cousins that she prefers she either sees as needing more attention, love, money, care, etc. from her (maybe she sees them as lacking; despite the fact that the way she talks they and their parents are wonderful and perfect). And/or maybe they are in a better position than I and my siblings to give her the kind of attention that she needs.

 

Of course we all love her, and call her, and go see her, and send her cards and gifts. But all my siblings and I (and my parents) hear from her are how freaking fantastic some of our cousins are. And she can't even be bothered to remember some of the things about us that she remembers about them.

 

But it doesn't bother me that much (kinda bothers my mom, it's my maternal grandmother). Like I said, I choose to see it as something outside myself. I may be right, I may not be....but I guess my point is that it's not always about you.

 

I don't think that makes it any better, but you can't control other people, ya know?

 

If your MIL is the narcissistic and needy sort, it probably means a lot to her that your brother in law and his wife are living with her, and you and her son suck for "abandoning" her or something. It's a possibility. And like I said, that doesn't make things any better, but it is what it is.

 

I suggest you simply raise your children to the best of your ability, instill solid values and morals in them, don't turn them against their grandmother or make them feel less because you feel slighted by her.

[mom2008]

I really appriciate all of your responses. I just hope things get better here. I have so much resentment towards my h at this point for not standing up. Not so much for me but our daughter. As a parent its our responsibility to protect our children and so far I don't see my husband has done that. And its affecting the way I see him. Its not the person I married and not the type of father I had thought he would be.

 

Tear...

 

Again thanks to all of you! I will keep you updated on how things go. If my h finds the courage to take this matter into his hands and make it better.

[Eve]

The rule I live by is that people can do whatever they want.. but not in my house.

 

I would agree that Hubby needs to lead on this one but it may be that he simply cant. Sounds like he has always been second best. Make a plan together to deal with this woman. For example, from now on call her and say that you are doing such and such, would she like to come? Put the ball in her court. Some people are better when doing things. Then make excuses about when she can come around. Its not hard. Better that than her wasting your time with her stories. Guard your front door and your daughter will do the same as she gets older. This is unacceptable. Disconnect her power, which to me is comparing homes.

 

How rude is she! ... standing up in your house with her bad mouth. I wouldnt hear one single word of it.

 

Take care,

ve xx

[stillafool]

I really appriciate all of your responses. I just hope things get better here. I have so much resentment towards my h at this point for not standing up. Not so much for me but our daughter. As a parent its our responsibility to protect our children and so far I don't see my husband has done that. And its affecting the way I see him. Its not the person I married and not the type of father I had thought he would be.

 

Tear...

 

Again thanks to all of you! I will keep you updated on how things go. If my h finds the courage to take this matter into his hands and make it better.

 

 

If I were you I would not go over to my MIL's house. I would keep my child away from her. When and if she asks why you don't come to visit I would then tell her the complete truth. I can understand your being upset with your husband to a point but no matter what he says to his mother it isn't going to change her mind and he knows it. So just stay away from her. I would invite them to functions at my house but would not be upset in the least if they were a "no show". Let him visit his parents when he wants to see them. You and your daughter don't need them.

[bentnotbroken]

This is where my mothering would take the lead. Your job is to protect your child from anyone or anything. That is emotional abuse as well. It isn't easy to shield a child from family members. We try to live in peace, but sometimes depending on the level of maturity of the adults you are dealing with, that's not always possible. Your husband should have stepped up by now, but he like so many of us, find ourselves in the child's role(mentality)even when we are adults and have children of our own. We don't like to go against our parents or "make them not like us" so to speak. I suspect your husband has had to deal with this his entire life in relation to other siblings.

 

Now you have to take point. I am by nature confrontational, so I would address it directly. If that isn't your cup of tea, then do as another poster suggested, limit contact. Having the same blood does not require that we live with the garbage of those who share our DNA. If these people were physically abusive you would step in. No difference here. Except one and it is a biggie. The scars of emotional abuse can last a life time and cause unseen damage until it has permeated adult life.....ie your husband. Mom this is about your child, put on the lioness costume and protect that baby. It won't be easy but when did parenting become easy? Many blessings:)

[Eve]

I really appriciate all of your responses. I just hope things get better here. I have so much resentment towards my h at this point for not standing up. Not so much for me but our daughter. As a parent its our responsibility to protect our children and so far I don't see my husband has done that. And its affecting the way I see him. Its not the person I married and not the type of father I had thought he would be.

 

Tear...

 

Again thanks to all of you! I will keep you updated on how things go. If my h finds the courage to take this matter into his hands and make it better.

 

Just wanted to say that although I can see the point in removing yourself and the child from the situation immediately (as wisely suggestedby other posters) that there could be a benefit in approaching things in a more controlled way. Maybe its because I refuse to fear people .. but I always think its impotant to remove the sting firstly within situations. Hence, still offering to see the mil but withadded boundaries will show your child that you didnt stop contact. This may not be relevant as maybe the child already feels excluded ... but these things do have a way of coming back in another form unless resolved within a process.

 

Its just right now if contact was to be abruptly stopped a pattern could emerge whereby the emphasis has been to put up with things until you cant take them anymore and then break contact. This would be extended from Dad to daughter. Wouldnt it be more beneficial to make a plan and show your girl how to manage her feelings throughout whatever happens?

 

I am just thinking about your family unit longterm and a means to share and resolve this situation together. You know the saying, 'a divided house will not stand'.

 

Take care,

Eve xx