Will he regret leaving me for someone else?

[ms.ac]

My ex and I have been together for about 4 and a half years. We broke up about 3 months ago because "I was aggravating him" obviously this was an excuse. We still talked a little until he got into a fight with his sister and she called me telling me he was hanging out with a girl at work and went to Boston with her for his birthday. I flipped out and he got mad. Well I didn't talk to him for a month and when I did he told me his sister lied to try to make me mad at him which was probably true to an extent. I knew he did talk to a girl at his work. Well we hung out a few times he told me he loved me and that he wasn't going to be with anyone else that he just wanted to be a lone for now and maybe in the future we could be together. He told me the other girl was nothing compared to me and that she wanted to be with him but he didn't , that she does everything for him, gets him lunch and that he just lets her but doesn't like her and was going to quit his job (he works with her) so he didn't have to see her, he said he loved me and wanted to be with me, brought me around his family again and everything, well 3 weeks later he told me he went on a date and was talking to someone, still not telling me what was really going on. When I said why are you dating other people when you were saying you wanted to be with me he said I was crazy that was a month ago and I need to get over it. (trying to make me feel crazy) Well his sister told me that she saw the girls caroutside his house one morning so I called him and he flipped out and told me he doesn't want to talk to me anymore he is with the girl from his work, that she is better than me, she makes him feel like he never has before, that she's everything I'm not,that she is an awesome person cleans cooks makes him so happy, that he does everything with her, just trying to hurt me, he told me he was telling me all those things because he was confused and trying to decide who he wanted to be with so he was talking to both of us and that he picked his words "a girl off the street over the person he has been with for 5 years" he also said you can't ruin my relationship with her because she knows about you, she knows you could be pregnant (I'm not) and she doesn't care she knew I was talking to you the whole time and doesn't care (obviously not a great person) she is older and has a kid, he said he wasn't going to regret it, to call him in a couple months and he will be happy, he will send invitations to his wedding then said oh wait im never getting married (he told my family he wanted to marry me by the way) , of course I flipped out, I yelled, said mean things to him and about her but I have stopped. (lasted 3 or 4 days) What he did was messed up, he made me believe he loved me and wanted to be with me for a selfish reason I see this, he threw away our 5relationship for lust. I realize yelling and showing him how much it hurts pushes him away and closer to her. Do you think he will regret what he did? I know I shouldn't care and should move on to someone who deserves me but why does he want to hurt me with such mean things I didn't do anything to him. if I call him he will call back just to yell at me. He doesn't ignore me he just Do you think when time goes on and the honeymoon phase is over he will regret what he has done? help, I love him so much and I want him to regret it even if he is a jerk and doesn't deserve me. Is he doing the whole grass is greener on the other side thing.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

In all honesty girl..who gives a crap what he wants! Get rid of that loser ASAP! It will not work with this other girl and not only you know..everyone knows it! Just forget him...dont contact him...inform his sister when she calls that you don't really care anymore! Stick your head up high and forget him! Go out with friends...do your own thing. It will definately take time to heal but you will get over him..and find that RIGHT guy who will treat you like a queen! He will eventually realize what he has done...but hopefully by the time he comes back crawling..you'll be to wrapped up with your NEW man to even care!

Go on and live your life now!

[ms.ac]

Don't get me wrong, I totally agree with you, I hope I can get to that point but I want him to regret it so bad! I'm just scared he won't. I love him a lot and it is really hard to deal with this but I know he doesn't deserve me. It is just impossible to not be really depressed when your love and best friend deceives you. I really hope he regrets it!

[XKatieX]

OMG what a jerk. I bet you anything that girl will cheat on him or hurt him and come running back to you. If he ends up regretting it, DON'T take him back..just be strong, you deserve so much better.

[boogieboy]

I'll give you my honest opinion, the way he treated you, he doesnt regret it one bit. Something you did drove him away from you, or he's just an ass who thought this new woman was a better fit for him than you. I doubt he's regretting anything when he throws it in your face like that. I also imagine he did all those things to you to keep you from trying to get back with him.

 

It will take you a while, but you will find someone new, and you will realize that he did you a favor by leaving you. He is a complete a-hole.

[lostmirthfulness]

Chances are he is not going to regret it.

 

I am about 3 months or so into a story somewhat close to yours.

 

Its true - I loved the lady.

 

Chances are her entire world is revolving around this new dude - who knows she might even end up marrying him someday. Thing is, I have started to feel better now days, I am starting to accept the fact, that while my heart was there, it was just a passing fad for her.

 

I want her to regret it as well - because if she truly regrets it, that means she might come back to me. If she comes back to me, there still is no hope for us. Not after what has gone on, not how I was treated through the whole thing. I guess I just want the peace of mind knowing that she was better off where she was, instead of where she is.

 

But truth be told - maybe shes better off there and will never have any regrets.

[ms.ac]

I'll give you my honest opinion, the way he treated you, he doesnt regret it one bit. Something you did drove him away from you, or he's just an ass who thought this new woman was a better fit for him than you. I doubt he's regretting anything when he throws it in your face like that. I also imagine he did all those things to you to keep you from trying to get back with him.

 

I don't get what this means, he did all those things to me to keep me from trying to get back with him? He was telling me he wanted to be with me... that he loved me and stuff... he said he did this because he was confused and didnt know if he wanted her or me... he was being selfish... and probablly figured I would always be there, I really hope he regrets it so that it gives me something to be happy about, I just want him to hurt. I dont understand how you can be with someone for that long and hurt them like that. He could have stopped talking to me, hanging out with me, telling me he wanted to be with me from the get go. He was being selfish and I know i cant compete with a new relationship. He is just crazy for everything. He threw it in my face because I talked to his sister and called him out on it. He is an a-hole in general not just at this time. He took me for granted, he had a really good girl and he messed it all up. He bragged about her saying she knows I dont love her and she doesnt care?? and she already had a kid? are those things to brag about?? He said he loved me because we have been through a lot but he wasn't in love with me.. (just 3 weeks before he was telling me i was the love of his life right?? and making comments about me moving in and stuff??)..He often contradicts himself in everything he says.. we have had some problems in the past because he takes me for granted and thinks i will always be there, and he is always making money an issue with everything, I graduated college, I have a good job, I think he has always been somewhat jealous of me really, He told me he would be better than me now that he is not with me and I know that he mostly refers to money when he says this. I dont know but regardless of everything I want him to regret this with everything I have. How do you want to marry someone and love them one minute and turn around and do this to them?? I ask questions all the time.. could he have been scared because he was in such a serious relationship?? Is he looking for something better?? I know that this girl is not better than me and it was cruel to do this to someone that has been through so much with him and loves him.

Edited December 12, 2009 by ms.ac

[susiqusi]

Here is the story - We have been together for 2 years; he asked me to quit my good job (pension, benefits, etc) because he wanted to marry me and couldn't live without me. Until very recently we were so happy.

 

His ex had a drug problem, he broke up with her not knowing that, only knowing she was acting very oddly. He found out several months later from her why she was acting so weird - cocaine. He told me he always felt very guilty about this - that he should have helped her, and if he would have known they would still be together.

 

ALso...this is a woman he told me his family didn't really like. His daughter told me she was cold, and didn't really see why they were together, she was very needy.

 

She has kept up contact which really bothered me...never really left him alone, but I figured I should believe him when he told me they were through (even though alot of her stuff was still in the house we lived in together because "she doesn't have room for it").

 

The other side note is that his parents are both very ill and he is very worried about that,

 

Anyway.

Last night he told me he still loves her and he wants me to go away for a little while so he can see her and "decide". He tells me he still loves me, but he needs to see her ( spend time with her, sleep with her) to know.

 

I am a very strong, not needy, intelligent person, but now, here I am, with no job after 2 years, nowhere really to go (except to family) and hurting so bad I have no perspective.

 

Men in this forum - can you offer guy's view?

 

Many thanks

I'm really hurting....

[Tethys]

Here is the story - We have been together for 2 years; he asked me to quit my good job (pension, benefits, etc) because he wanted to marry me and couldn't live without me. Until very recently we were so happy.

 

His ex had a drug problem, he broke up with her not knowing that, only knowing she was acting very oddly. He found out several months later from her why she was acting so weird - cocaine. He told me he always felt very guilty about this - that he should have helped her, and if he would have known they would still be together.

 

ALso...this is a woman he told me his family didn't really like. His daughter told me she was cold, and didn't really see why they were together, she was very needy.

 

She has kept up contact which really bothered me...never really left him alone, but I figured I should believe him when he told me they were through (even though alot of her stuff was still in the house we lived in together because "she doesn't have room for it").

 

The other side note is that his parents are both very ill and he is very worried about that,

 

Anyway.

Last night he told me he still loves her and he wants me to go away for a little while so he can see her and "decide". He tells me he still loves me, but he needs to see her ( spend time with her, sleep with her) to know.

 

I am a very strong, not needy, intelligent person, but now, here I am, with no job after 2 years, nowhere really to go (except to family) and hurting so bad I have no perspective.

 

Men in this forum - can you offer guy's view?

 

Many thanks

I'm really hurting....

 

Sorry to hear your pain. I dont really have any advice except that men are really clueless sometimes (I know I have been) and he might not realize how painful this is to you. Maybe you could ask him what your chances are with him? Or what reasons he would have to *not* go back to this other women. He may have serious doubts about what he's doing and maybe knowing that he has doubts might help you get through this until he "decides".

[susiqusi]

Thanks for the thought - I think I might ask him what might make him not stay with her.

 

Do you think the fact that alot of things are changing in his life (parents very sick, he is starting to feel his age, aches and pains) has anything to do with reaching back to his ex ( and a happier time?)

[boogieboy]

When I said why are you dating other people when you were saying you wanted to be with me he said I was crazy that was a month ago and I need to get over it. (trying to make me feel crazy) Well his sister told me that she saw the girls caroutside his house one morning so I called him and he flipped out and told me he doesn't want to talk to me anymore he is with the girl from his work, that she is better than me, she makes him feel like he never has before, that she's everything I'm not,that she is an awesome person cleans cooks makes him so happy, that he does everything with her, just trying to hurt me, he told me he was telling me all those things because he was confused and trying to decide who he wanted to be with so he was talking to both of us and that he picked his words "a girl off the street over the person he has been with for 5 years" he also said you can't ruin my relationship with her because she knows about you

 

Everything you said here makes me think he said these things to try to discourage you from trying to keep the relationship going after he broke it off. Trying to make you hate him so he wouldnt have to hear from you. But he was confused if he changed his story after that.

 

The reason he can tell you he could marry you one day and bail on you the next? He checked out of the relationship months ago, and told you those things to keep you off the track, or he kind of meant those things, but he was doubting himself.

[You'reasian]

I don't get what this means, he did all those things to me to keep me from trying to get back with him? He was telling me he wanted to be with me... that he loved me and stuff... he said he did this because he was confused and didnt know if he wanted her or me... he was being selfish... and probablly figured I would always be there, I really hope he regrets it so that it gives me something to be happy about, I just want him to hurt. I dont understand how you can be with someone for that long and hurt them like that. He could have stopped talking to me, hanging out with me, telling me he wanted to be with me from the get go. He was being selfish and I know i cant compete with a new relationship. He is just crazy for everything. He threw it in my face because I talked to his sister and called him out on it. He is an a-hole in general not just at this time. He took me for granted, he had a really good girl and he messed it all up. He bragged about her saying she knows I dont love her and she doesnt care?? and she already had a kid? are those things to brag about?? He said he loved me because we have been through a lot but he wasn't in love with me.. (just 3 weeks before he was telling me i was the love of his life right?? and making comments about me moving in and stuff??)..He often contradicts himself in everything he says.. we have had some problems in the past because he takes me for granted and thinks i will always be there, and he is always making money an issue with everything, I graduated college, I have a good job, I think he has always been somewhat jealous of me really, He told me he would be better than me now that he is not with me and I know that he mostly refers to money when he says this. I dont know but regardless of everything I want him to regret this with everything I have. How do you want to marry someone and love them one minute and turn around and do this to them?? I ask questions all the time.. could he have been scared because he was in such a serious relationship?? Is he looking for something better?? I know that this girl is not better than me and it was cruel to do this to someone that has been through so much with him and loves him.

 

I've dated successful women. Love 'em hope to be with one again, but hopefully on a more permanent basis.

 

Can't speak for this guy, because I don't know him or his circumstances. However, I can say personally that I won't committ to a woman who I think or perceive as not ready for a committed relationship.

 

You want this guy back? Go back to him - cool, calm, collected and lay it out. Be brave. Hash it out. If it doesn't workout, you know you've laid all your cards on the table and that there's nothing more to be said or done. Move on.

[boogieboy]

Thanks for the thought - I think I might ask him what might make him not stay with her.

 

Do you think the fact that alot of things are changing in his life (parents very sick, he is starting to feel his age, aches and pains) has anything to do with reaching back to his ex ( and a happier time?)

 

Unfortunately not. Bottom line I think is your greatest fear. He wasnt over her when he was dating you, and never gave you 100% of his heart in the last 2 years. Or he was into you 100% and all that went out the window one day when she said something that flipped a switch in his head. You might have filled his void that he was missing when he dumped her. But apparently he was deeply in love with her and thought it would be different this time, and you get to suffer for it.

 

So now you have to ask yourself, would you really want to return to a guy who never gave you 100%? You really want a guy back that easily could leave you for his ex? You really want a guy back that kept in touch with his ex just so he could try again one day? That always kept you on the backburner?

[susiqusi]

Unfortunately not. Bottom line I think is your greatest fear. He wasnt over her when he was dating you, and never gave you 100% of his heart in the last 2 years. Or he was into you 100% and all that went out the window one day when she said something that flipped a switch in his head. You might have filled his void that he was missing when he dumped her. But apparently he was deeply in love with her and thought it would be different this time, and you get to suffer for it.

 

So now you have to ask yourself, would you really want to return to a guy who never gave you 100%? You really want a guy back that easily could leave you for his ex? You really want a guy back that kept in touch with his ex just so he could try again one day? That always kept you on the backburner?

 

THanks Boogieboy

I never got the sense I was on the backburner - he treated me like gold...until probably 2 months ago - and I noticed a withdrawal.

But you're right, something must have happened to precipitate this. And I guess, even though quite awhile went by before he got involved (after her) the fact that she reached out and told him of her addiction (made him feel guilty and responsible) means that he likely wasn't over her.

But why would he commit so deeply to me, and have me change my life - leave the city and preople I knew to start a new life with him...now to be hurt so badly?

[You'reasian]

THanks Boogieboy

I never got the sense I was on the backburner - he treated me like gold...until probably 2 months ago - and I noticed a withdrawal.

But you're right, something must have happened to precipitate this. And I guess, even though quite awhile went by before he got involved (after her) the fact that she reached out and told him of her addiction (made him feel guilty and responsible) means that he likely wasn't over her.

But why would he commit so deeply to me, and have me change my life - leave the city and preople I knew to start a new life with him...now to be hurt so badly?

 

Something must have happened between the two of you. If its worth exploring, this is a conversation you should be having with the dude face to face. Speculating gives you some good ideas, but its speculating - talk with the guy.

[susiqusi]

Something must have happened between the two of you. If its worth exploring' date=' this is a conversation you should be having with the dude face to face. Speculating gives you some good ideas, but its speculating - talk with the guy.[/quote']

 

 

Well, he tells me he has been agonizing over the letter she sent him telling him of her coke addiction - and that he feels guilty.

And the other thing is that I mistakenly sent an email as a reply all to his daughter (with an innocent message about how I was looking forward to the holidays and wanted to put up some more pics of her kids around our house)...but what I didn't know was that the ex-gf was on the list of that email. Apparently she had asked the daughter to put her back on the list of pics that she sends around. My guy freaked ( got very upset with me and accused me of doing it deliberately) and I suppose his ex had called to say she was upset.

It's very weird. I feel so hurt and sad and confused.

[ms.ac]

Everything you said here makes me think he said these things to try to discourage you from trying to keep the relationship going after he broke it off. Trying to make you hate him so he wouldnt have to hear from you. But he was confused if he changed his story after that.

 

The reason he can tell you he could marry you one day and bail on you the next? He checked out of the relationship months ago, and told you those things to keep you off the track, or he kind of meant those things, but he was doubting himself.

 

 

I see what your saying, what happened was we started talking and hanging out again after not talking for a month. He told me there was no one and that the other girl that his sister said he was seeing was nothing and that you couldnt even compare us I was so much better. He was telling me all of these things and that he loved and wanted to be with me, not to sweat the little things and stuff, he then later said he said all of these things to me because he was confused with who he wanted to be with so he was basically trying to make me believe he wanted to be with me incase he did, I mean when we were together it felt real, then 3 weeks later when i confronted him about the other stuff is when he told me the "truth" about it all. I put truth in quotations because who knows what is really the truth.

 

All of the stuff he said to me may have been to make me hate him but I think it was more of emotional abuse, because it is not out of his character to do.

 

So you think that after 4.5 years and his confusion he could care less about me? You don't think he will regret this and kick himself for leaving me for someone else? I just think he has always taken me for granted because I have always been there. He is definetly an a-hole and is selfish.

 

I just want him to regret this.. Its just hard because he means a lot to me, and I am really close to his family.

[boogieboy]

But why would he commit so deeply to me, and have me change my life - leave the city and preople I knew to start a new life with him...now to be hurt so badly?

 

He doesnt think about hurting you, he just thinks about what he wants. You cant live life wondering what happened to he person you left, everyone has to move on. Why would he commit so deeply? well not really as deeply as you thought, but he put up a good act. And he doesnt want to be alone, no one does.

[D-Lish]

This guy is treating you very badly. He doesn't deserve the energy you're spending on him. Just the fact that he is dating someone else should be enough to ignore him.

[LovelyDaze]

I don't get what this means, he did all those things to me to keep me from trying to get back with him? He was telling me he wanted to be with me... that he loved me and stuff... he said he did this because he was confused and didnt know if he wanted her or me... he was being selfish... and probablly figured I would always be there, I really hope he regrets it so that it gives me something to be happy about, I just want him to hurt. I dont understand how you can be with someone for that long and hurt them like that. He could have stopped talking to me, hanging out with me, telling me he wanted to be with me from the get go. He was being selfish and I know i cant compete with a new relationship. He is just crazy for everything. He threw it in my face because I talked to his sister and called him out on it. He is an a-hole in general not just at this time. He took me for granted, he had a really good girl and he messed it all up. He bragged about her saying she knows I dont love her and she doesnt care?? and she already had a kid? are those things to brag about?? He said he loved me because we have been through a lot but he wasn't in love with me.. (just 3 weeks before he was telling me i was the love of his life right?? and making comments about me moving in and stuff??)..He often contradicts himself in everything he says.. we have had some problems in the past because he takes me for granted and thinks i will always be there, and he is always making money an issue with everything, I graduated college, I have a good job, I think he has always been somewhat jealous of me really, He told me he would be better than me now that he is not with me and I know that he mostly refers to money when he says this. I dont know but regardless of everything I want him to regret this with everything I have. How do you want to marry someone and love them one minute and turn around and do this to them?? I ask questions all the time.. could he have been scared because he was in such a serious relationship?? Is he looking for something better?? I know that this girl is not better than me and it was cruel to do this to someone that has been through so much with him and loves him.

 

 

The only way he will regret it is if you show him your integrity.

 

You must NEVER call,text or e-mail him again. You know he is just trying to get a rise out of you. It's a game to him. I should know, I have an ex like this. He is a proverbial as$hole.

 

If you cling, beg, ask, whine, inquire about the two of you's past relationship...it gives him fuel to be cruel to you. He won't love you a spoonful more if you "try to talk to him."

 

No, LET HIM GO. Sounds like his new relationship is a big stamp of FAIL and the only way it'll be shown for the true ugly colors as it is...is for him and that girl to keep it and let them crash and burn all on their own. They will not be a fairytale and live happily ever after. The foundation started too shaky and the future is dark as the night itself. You concentrate on making YOUR life better without him. You can do it!

[ms.ac]

The only way he will regret it is if you show him your integrity.

 

You must NEVER call,text or e-mail him again. You know he is just trying to get a rise out of you. It's a game to him. I should know, I have an ex like this. He is a proverbial as$hole.

 

If you cling, beg, ask, whine, inquire about the two of you's past relationship...it gives him fuel to be cruel to you. He won't love you a spoonful more if you "try to talk to him."

 

No, LET HIM GO. Sounds like his new relationship is a big stamp of FAIL and the only way it'll be shown for the true ugly colors as it is...is for him and that girl to keep it and let them crash and burn all on their own. They will not be a fairytale and live happily ever after. The foundation started too shaky and the future is dark as the night itself. You concentrate on making YOUR life better without him. You can do it!

 

Ok... you definately understand, from your response I can see you have been in my shoes, while others claimed he was trying to make me hate him, this is not the case at all, he is an a-hole, that is EXACTLY what he tries to do to me, get a rise out of me, he loves it when I get upset, it makes him feel more powerful and wanted, I honestly think the whole situation made him feel like he was wanted, and I just hope that in the end, when he realizes the other girl is not me, he will regret it and I won't be there anymore, its easy for me to say but soooo hard to do, I have to hold myself back from calling him which I am sure many people can relate, when you have been with someone for a long time you feel like you know them and they are your best friend so you feel like calling and asking them what the hell they are thinking, but it doesn't work that way, i call, he feels more powerful... I yell about his rediculous girl friend it pushes him closer to her and farther from me, and she would look at him more like a treasure she won,, so not the truth.... He had something really good, I just hope one day he realizes how he messed everything up!

[LovelyDaze]

Ok... you definately understand, from your response I can see you have been in my shoes, while others claimed he was trying to make me hate him, this is not the case at all, he is an a-hole, that is EXACTLY what he tries to do to me, get a rise out of me, he loves it when I get upset, it makes him feel more powerful and wanted, I honestly think the whole situation made him feel like he was wanted, and I just hope that in the end, when he realizes the other girl is not me, he will regret it and I won't be there anymore, its easy for me to say but soooo hard to do, I have to hold myself back from calling him which I am sure many people can relate, when you have been with someone for a long time you feel like you know them and they are your best friend so you feel like calling and asking them what the hell they are thinking, but it doesn't work that way, i call, he feels more powerful... I yell about his rediculous girl friend it pushes him closer to her and farther from me, and she would look at him more like a treasure she won,, so not the truth.... He had something really good, I just hope one day he realizes how he messed everything up!

 

Oh, he will. It is BEYOND difficult to put forth what we know we NEED to do versus what we want to do.

 

Definitely show you are STRONGER and BETTER than he obviously thinks you are. Because when they fight (and duh,they will) and he questions why he even left you in the 1st place, you will be already over him.

This happens to me constantly. The guy that I cried and thought I'd die over, came back(called, came over, or whatever) and I was like, "No, thanks."

Exes have a bizarre kind of clock in them where they decide to come back just AFTER you are feeling great about your life. Weird, huh?

[ms.ac]

Oh, he will. It is BEYOND difficult to put forth what we know we NEED to do versus what we want to do.

 

Definitely show you are STRONGER and BETTER than he obviously thinks you are. Because when they fight (and duh,they will) and he questions why he even left you in the 1st place, you will be already over him.

This happens to me constantly. The guy that I cried and thought I'd die over, came back(called, came over, or whatever) and I was like, "No, thanks."

Exes have a bizarre kind of clock in them where they decide to come back just AFTER you are feeling great about your life. Weird, huh?

 

I know, I haven't talked to him since I found out (and the 3 days after when I was freaking out on him and doing all the wrong things)... When does it get any easier??? some days I feel like its getting better and then I break down... I feel like I haven't really faced it. I was with him such a big chunk of my life, to make matters worse he was my first real love (I am not his) and for it to end like this hurts me so much. It is so close to christmas and his parents want me to go and visit and stuff but I know I can't, it hurts so much to be replaced like that, I know that there is a huge chance that their relationship will fail, hopefully sooner than later... so that it will be more painful that I am not there anymore, I just can't stop thinking of her in my spot next to him, doing things we did together, its so hard when you haven't had any time to heal and you have to deal with the harsh reality that someone is taking your spot in the person you love's life...

 

just to add a detail because you have been with someone like this... before he told me the truth because I found out, he was telling me he was just dating other people and didnt know if he wanted to be with someone else,, he said he would help me buy a car and sell mine, he almost had me go to his work and buy a car from them!... They both work there... why the hell would he do that?? It just shows me he loves the attention.

[LovelyDaze]

You've said it.

He loves attention. Most of our exes are narcissistic like that. They truly don't think they've done anything wrong. It's me-me-me.

 

His new GF will be on "our team" soon enough...even better...HE will. One or the other is going to dump each other and end up wondering what went wrong. Well, they will need to realize that making a relationship on a bad foundation NEVER works.