Update and a question...

[craig841]

For those of you who have read my previous posts in here, you will know about my friend who I have been asking questions about for a while now! Well I saw her yesterday for lunch and told her how I felt about her, feeling that if I didn't say it now I would never say it.

 

Having known each other very well for 4-5 years, I expected two possible outcomes: the situation would become massively awkward with her expressing surprise at me feeling this, or a complete 'at last thank f**k he's said it'. Either way the situation would be resolved.

 

What I got was an answer that was a bit more complicated. I explained how much I loved being around her and that I miss her a lot, and then finally asked if anything was going to happen between us. She didn't look surprised and implied that the issue had been floating between us for a while and it's about time we talked about it. She then gave two clear reasons why at the moment it wouldn't work: firstly I am far away atm (at uni for 24 weeks of the year and she is two and a half hours away from there at home, but in less than a years time will hopefully be only an hour away) and secondly she broke up with her controlling bf only a month ago, a relationship which exhausted her quite a bit, so she said she wants to be single for the time being.

 

We then went shopping together for a bit and she was totally comfortable with me being there, chatting, laughing etc...I hugged her a couple of times and she was receptive to it, zero awkwardness.

 

So here is the question: the ball is in her court now, which has stopped me stressing about the situation, but do her words mean exactly what they say they do? Is she open to the possibility of a relationship but wants to see how things go? She never made it plain that she didn't want anything, and knowing her well I think she would tell me in no uncertain terms if this was the case. Is it now a case of just relax, hang out and see what happens? Thanks.

[WTRanger]

This is a case where you must be hyper-aware of your situation. You cannot let yourself slip into the "almost boyfriend" role, and it will be very easy for you to do so. She'll need male companionship and she may come to you. It will be easy to fall into a holding pattern with her while you hope she comes around. When she does finally come around, her new boyfriend will be able to thank you for all the hard work you did getting her mind straight.

 

Be really careful here.

[craig841]

This is a case where you must be hyper-aware of your situation. You cannot let yourself slip into the "almost boyfriend" role, and it will be very easy for you to do so. She'll need male companionship and she may come to you. It will be easy to fall into a holding pattern with her while you hope she comes around. When she does finally come around, her new boyfriend will be able to thank you for all the hard work you did getting her mind straight.

 

Be really careful here.

 

Thanks WT...be there from time to time, but don't get too close...I see. I've sent one text to her since we saw each other, and it was purely a 'nice to see you' one, and she hasn't been back in contact with me since, so I'm planning on keeping my distance. I've said what I needed to say, and that's all I can do for now.

[ADF]

As much as you clearly care for this friend, I think you should take her "no for now" as a NO. Furthermore, you should put some distance between the two fo you.

 

The woman rejected you. If you keep following her around now like a love-struck puppy, she'll never respect you. Chances are, she'll met some other guy, and expect you to keep playing the loyal friend role. That will be absolute torture for you.

[craig841]

The woman rejected you. If you keep following her around now like a love-struck puppy, she'll never respect you. Chances are, she'll met some other guy, and expect you to keep playing the loyal friend role. That will be absolute torture for you.

 

Haven't really been doing this. It's been the case with our friendship too...we don't call each other up to complain about problems in our lives, we've just been two people who get on extremely well and enjoy each other's company, which in my view is a relationship waiting to happen. I'm capable of keeping the distance...I don't have to be there for her all the time.

[craig841]

Ok...I've heard nothing from her on the subject of us, but heard from someone else that she's scared a 4 year friendship could fall apart if we get together and she doesn't really know what to do. Yes same old excuse...but I need to find out for sure how she feels. Do I ask her myself and say 'look i'm not going to wait around on a hunch I need to know' or wait for her to come and tell me, which hopefully will only be a matter of time? I don't know what the consequences of each would be.

[WTRanger]

Yep, it may be time for an ultimatum here soon. You've been giving her plenty of time to think. You're telling me that she still doesn't know what to do? After how long to think? If you wait, it could be tomorrow or it could be never. Or somewhere in between.

 

If she wants to be single for a while, then that is her wish. Though, myself and plenty other of us LS'ers will tell you that as soon as some new guy comes along she'll not care about being single anymore. It happens all of the time.

 

You two have to understand that once the feelings surface, the dynamic of the friendship is forever changed. There is no going back. The only way these things work out is with direct, person to person communication. Anything less than that, the situation gets so complicated so quickly that the stress and heart break will eventually tear the two of you apart.

[craig841]

Yep, it may be time for an ultimatum here soon. You've been giving her plenty of time to think. You're telling me that she still doesn't know what to do? After how long to think? If you wait, it could be tomorrow or it could be never. Or somewhere in between.

 

If she wants to be single for a while, then that is her wish. Though, myself and plenty other of us LS'ers will tell you that as soon as some new guy comes along she'll not care about being single anymore. It happens all of the time.

 

You two have to understand that once the feelings surface, the dynamic of the friendship is forever changed. There is no going back. The only way these things work out is with direct, person to person communication. Anything less than that, the situation gets so complicated so quickly that the stress and heart break will eventually tear the two of you apart.

 

If we started something right now, it would potentially be long distance, but even if we waited for months for us to be closer to start something, I want to know sooner rather than later if I have a chance at all. If not, I would be able to move on quicker and try and phase her out of my mind (as much as it will hurt), if yes, we can go from there.

 

I've given her a week...seems long enough to me or do you favour waiting longer?

[WTRanger]

If its only been a week, there might be some more time needed. She did just get out of a relationship, so you really can't push too hard. At the same time, it is not fair to you to constantly live in limbo-land. Which is why this situation can get complicated. You can't push too much or she'll snap, and you can't wait too long or you'll snap.

 

I would say after the Holidays pass have the big conversation with her. She already knows exactly how you feel. Now it is time for her to cut the BS and just shoot straight with you where she sees you. That way, the stress of the season is past and you can focus on 2010. If all goes wrong, then you head back to school correct? Use the 2 hour distance as a buffer from her and try to move on.

 

Make sure both of you understand that no decision, is actually a decision in itself. So, "I don't know" is actually an answer.

[craig841]

Yeh, I see where you're coming from. I've already had a term of uni but if it goes to pot it will be a nice safe haven for me. I don't know whether I'm seeing her much before I go back in the new year, but I'll make sure I have the chat before I go back. Thanks

[craig841]

Ok a few days ago I texted her saying I needed to speak to her but she couldn't pick up. Then I posted here and you suggested waiting a little longer. She's now contacted me asking what I wanted...have I got to go through with it now? Or could I get away with lying and letting her come to me with her feelings rather than the other way around?

[WTRanger]

Dude, don't lie. Telling a lie at this point is fruitless. If she has the time now, and you don't think you can talk to her after this then you must go for it now.

[craig841]

Going NC. HATE HATE HATE that it has come to this. We had to talk and she basically said 'I prefer us a friends' and that 'I'm sorry but this really isn't what i wanted'. Way to F**K ME AROUND. Can't believe she did this to me. And the fact she said 'can we go back to normal now...this last week has been really awkward' was a whopping great kick in the teeth.

 

Maybe we'll get back in touch later in life, but for now I think this is the right decision. I feel so terrible right now.

[WTRanger]

Sorry to hear that is how things turned out. You need to understand that she is indeed going to lose someone she saw as a friend, but at the same time she needs to understand that you cannot be "just friends" with her. It's a rough spot, but letting her go her own way and you on your own way is really the best way. It is the only way that you can get things in your mind straightened out.

 

Learn from this situation. The goods, and the not-so goods. Maybe in the future don't go into a talk like this with pre-conceived expectations. Then in the end, it may not hurt as bad if all goes wrong. Because, honestly, did you envision the Hollywood ending where she runs into your arms?

[craig841]

Sorry to hear that is how things turned out. You need to understand that she is indeed going to lose someone she saw as a friend, but at the same time she needs to understand that you cannot be "just friends" with her. It's a rough spot, but letting her go her own way and you on your own way is really the best way. It is the only way that you can get things in your mind straightened out.

 

Learn from this situation. The goods, and the not-so goods. Maybe in the future don't go into a talk like this with pre-conceived expectations. Then in the end, it may not hurt as bad if all goes wrong. Because, honestly, did you envision the Hollywood ending where she runs into your arms?

 

Initially I did, but I finished knowing it wasn't going to happen. But the way she did it...it's given me incentive not to talk to her....how can she be so naive and not get that things can't just revert back to the way they were at the click of a finger? I have a feeling that it's going to be messy if she starts to wonder why I haven't been talking to her. Just in time for Xmas...whoopee!

 

I'm going to get a big fat 'told you so' from my friends who know her...bit of tough love goes a long way tho. I'm just so surprised at myself for letting what was an amazing 4 year friendship go, to all intents and purposes, down the drain in the matter of half an hour. It certainly takes a lot longer to build things that it does to break them.

[craig841]

I'm wary of this turning into a blog, but this will be the last post on the matter. Now that I've calmed down from the initial event, I emailed her today saying I needed time away from her to sort myself out and get over her and the whole situation because I still wanted to be friends with her in a non-romantic context. She replied saying she completely understood that I needed and said she would be right back where I left her if and when I decide to get back in touch. Thanks to everyone who helped me here.

[Flying Goose]

I'm wary of this turning into a blog, but this will be the last post on the matter. Now that I've calmed down from the initial event, I emailed her today saying I needed time away from her to sort myself out and get over her and the whole situation because I still wanted to be friends with her in a non-romantic context. She replied saying she completely understood that I needed and said she would be right back where I left her if and when I decide to get back in touch. Thanks to everyone who helped me here.

 

Dear Lord - why did you go and say that? You see, although it seems like a wonderfully warm idea that you can live happily ever after as friends in a 'non-romantic' context, that's a false hope, a bad idea, a catastrophe at worst. It almost sounds as if you are apologising for liking the girl. Truth be tolds, boys 'liking' girls and girls 'liking' boys are entirely normal consequences to their interactions - as long as they're both sexually viable. It's not dirty, it's not silly, it's human - those are the basics.

 

Drawing artificial lines in the sand where (e.g. a girl says) 'this boy' can be a 'boyfriend' (i.e. I can sleep with and let myself get close to) and another boy cannot does not reflect some grand meaning, or philosophical quest to not destroy 4-year old friendships. It simply means that this boy i.e. you are not worthwhile enough as a friend, enemy or whatever words she chooses to use, to be worth being important to her in any significant way. Translation is - "you are not important" and she'd like you to stay that way. That may arise from vanity - i.e. she or her friends don't find you physically or socially attractive enough for her to be associated with, or other human limitations, but believe me when I say this that is all it means. Apologising to someone who thinks you're unimportant is an unfortunate error.

 

You see, as WT pointed out - once you tell someone you like them and they understand what that means (i.e. it means you don't want to draw artificial lines in the sand about what can and cannot happen between you, you want to explore all human possibilities with them BECAUSE you consider them important), you CANNOT take it back. You cannot change the past.

 

A common delusion thereafter is to think "oh but we were friends, can't we go back to that?". Often however, when you look at it clearly you were never friends. Boys and girls are seldom truly friends! One uses the other for something and sad to say, girls usually use the boys as a temporary provider of 'love' which we'll interpret as attention and comfort. Boys tend to either fall into the trap (as you appear to have) of hoping the girl will reward this by finding them important (enough to date i.e. sleep with) or fallout of it and become emotionally unavailable, therefore gaining the girl's respect! Being used for your attention and comfort is not a friendship. Mentally boys are less requiring of emotional reassurance than girls (at least not in the same way)- your 'friendship' thus will almost invariably spiral into a one-way relationship where she uses you as a temporary provisor of love and you gain nothing in return. Becoming friends is an idea that appeals to her because it gives her everything without the slightest doubt that she has to give herself in any way, or consider you truly important.

 

One idea which I think sums it up is this. Girls (and boys) ultimately always want their husband/wife to be their best friend. Conversely that implies that their best friends should also be the most likely to become their husbands/wifes. If a girl considers you to be an important friend but is unwilling to consider more with you - then be reassured that the following is true - you are neither an important friend nor a potential partner. Actions are infinitely more important than words. It is not what people say that matters, it is only what they do. If you were as good friends as you think you were, she would have dated you in an instant (either before or as soon as she became available)!

Edited December 26, 2009 by Flying Goose

[craig841]

I was never ever used for my attention and comfort. Absolutely not. This isn't my delusion...it was a true two-way friendship. Except she's now decided she's shallow and that I'm not attractive to her that much or something.

 

And when she says in the email that she sincerely wants to keep being friends with me, am I supposed to assume she's lying?!

 

Also I'm not apologising...I told her plain and simple that it wasn't going to work at the moment, and told her I still liked her.

 

Whatever...for the time being I'm done with her. If she wanders back into my life in the future then so be it. But for the time being I need to forget about her.

Edited December 27, 2009 by craig841